The Nostalgia Critic

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Nostalgia Critic:
They want to, you guessed it, take over the world.

M. Bison:
Of *course*!

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Nostalgia Critic:
...which makes this scene... [bell rings, caption appears]... Entirely Pointless!

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Nostalgia Critic:
[sung] *A-Chuck-A Norr-Issss!*

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Nostalgia Critic:
Elephant! [the Burger King appears as a chorus sings a note]

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Nostalgia Critic:
I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so *you* don't have to.

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Nostalgia Critic:
Zuul, motherf***er, Zuul!

Nostalgia Critic:
[when ever something inappropriate comes up in a family film] You know for kids!

Nostalgia Critic:
A Bat... Credit Card?... They gave him a Bat... Credit Card? They had the BALLS... to give one of the greatest superheroes of all time... A bat... credit card? NOOO! NOOO! Does not compute! Does not compute!

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Nostalgia Critic:
[when doing a top 11 list] Why top 11? 'Cause I like to go one step beyond.

Nostalgia Critic:
Remember what used to be that little film that not too many people knew about, so you kinda shared it in the hopes that it'd get more attention? And then it somehow ridiculously backfired to a point where now it gets too much f***ing attention as a goddamn enterprise? I suppose in many respects this is expected, but by God, they just market it in the most obnoxious way! There's never a sense that the advertisers are doing this because they like the movie. It's so obvious they're doing it because it's popular and will make a quick buck!

Ralphie:
[after he bumps the car into a post and snaps a cable holding a reindeer statue up on a roof of a nearby building and the statue starts falling down toward the car; in slow motion voice] Ohhhh... fudge!

Nostalgia Critic:
[Also in slow-motion] Because first movie!

The Old Man:
You letting this joker cut in? It's dog-eat-dog out here! Stake your claim! [Honks car horn] Son of a b*tch!

Nostalgia Critic:
[Imitating Daniel Stern] This is how I really am! I'm not playing a character! Son of a b*tch catchphrase!

Nostalgia Critic:
[Repeated line whenever a similar clip from A Christmas Story surfaces; voice gets sillier throughout] Because... First Movie!

Nostalgia Critic:
But of course maybe I like Ralphie's acting in this because he barely gets a f***ing line. Practically ninety percent of his dialogue is the voice-over narration... and it never shuts up.

Narrator:
The Old Man maintained his well-deserved status... The Old Man lived for the thrill of the hunt... The Old Man's scheme was always the same... The Old Man remained positive in his encouragement... The Old Man was a veritable cliche repository... As The Old Man would say...

Nostalgia Critic:
[Screaming] Why don't you just marry the f***ing Old Man! Jesus Christ! The audio book has less narration than this! We don't need every moment of life explained to us, guy!

Narrator:
Then I opened the fridge. I look confused because I heard a strange voice. Then I closed the fridge because if not the cold would get out. I then drank my soda and began walking back. I started with the left foot, then proceeded with the right foot, then proceeded with the left foot... then proceeded with the right foot.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Ralphie daydreams about Drusilla being held hostage by a Nazi interrogator] Oh, hey. Daydreaming because... first movie!

Nazi Interrogator:
I could help to refresh your memory. [Drusilla spits in his face. The Nazi Interrogator wipes his face, kisses his glove and laughs evilly]

Nostalgia Critic:
Ewww. That's so weird addition to have in your fantasy. In fact, let's have the Perverted Ralphie Counter on the side. I get the feeling we're gonna need it throughout this film. [Gestures. A number one pops up on the Perverted Ralphie Counter]

Drusilla:
[Ralphie smashes through a window and shoots a ceiling fan. It falls on the Nazi Interrogator's head and knocks him out] Oh, mon cheri, you saved me from a fate worse than death.

Nostalgia Critic:
No, no. You're still in the movie, honey.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Ralphie is in band class behind Drusilla who is playing the flute] Meanwhile Ralphie fetishises more in school about his millennial girlfriend and just tell me he doesn't up the creepiness in this scene.

Narrator:
For forty-five minutes twice a week Drusilla and I could be together. Close enough to smell her lavender-scented shampoo. [Ralphie smells the back of Drusilla's head and starts banging louder on the cymbals]

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, yeah. That's definitely going up on the counter. [a number 2 appears on the Perverted Ralphie Counter]

Narrator:
[as Ralphie continues to bang overenthusiastically on the cymbals] Someday my beauty, there'll be a veil upon that hair... and I'll lift it so our lips can meet as they pronounce us man and wife. [Ralphie gets even more carried away. Drusilla looks annoyed. Flick finally puts a hand on Ralphie's shoulder and he stops abruptly. Everyone looks at Ralphie]

Nostalgia Critic:
Jesus Christ, kid! Put a few more up there. [Three more numbers pop up on the Perverted Ralphie Counter. Total is now up to 5] That was really f***ed up.

Music Teacher:
A little less holiday spirit, Mr. Parker.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Imitates Music Teacher] And change your pants!

Music Teacher:
From the top people. [Band begins playing again]

Nostalgia Critic:
[Imitates Drusilla] Hmmm... You know I wonder what was poking me in the back of my head... Oh, my god!

[Jeremy Scott of "Cinema Sins" joins the Nostalgia Critic to make "Christmas Story 2" eggnog]

Jeremy Scott:
[putting a few drops of eggnog into a blender using a turkey baster] Start off by finding the most classic and beloved Christmas treat you can imagine, and pour only a drop of it into your blender. Because even though it was perfect the way it was, we need to needlessly update it despite the fact that nobody asked us to.

Nostalgia Critic:
[adding in a package of hot dogs, wrapping and all] Next, you'll want to put in a vegan hot dog, because clearly there's no meat to this product whatsoever.

Jeremy Scott:
[slapping the Critic with a chicken drumstick before adding it into the blender] After that, you'll want to find a drumstick that's been needlessly used for slapping. Renditions of classics often contain unnecessary slapstick.

[they both pause and try to think]

Nostalgia Critic:
What's that? You didn't laugh at that joke? Well then, clearly we're making the right recipe.

Jeremy Scott:
Naturally, you're gonna need stars.

[the Critic looks in the fridge and pulls out a starfruit, which he then puts in the blender]

Jeremy Scott:
Look deep in the back of your fridge for the leftover starfruit that's expired way past its prime. It hasn't aged well and you probably forgot it even existed. But it's cheap, it's available and that's all that really matters.

Nostalgia Critic:
[pouring in some water from a pitcher] Finally, water it down as much as you can so you can't recognize what it was originally trying to replicate in the first place.

Jeremy Scott:
[they then blend the ingredients together] Blend whatever charm it had left into a creamy liquid, ready to be pointlessly forced down your throat.

Nostalgia Critic:
[after blending, they pour the stuff into two mugs] Be sure it's poured into a glass that looks festive and tasteful, deceiving you into what you're about to subject yourself to.

Jeremy Scott:
[putting a lit cigarette into both mugs] Finally, garnish with a lit cigarette, and enjoy.

[the two reluctantly drink the "eggnog" from their mugs, then suddenly run to the kitchen sink where they throw up]

Jeremy Scott:
Well, what other reaction would you have expected?

Nostalgia Critic:
It's weird, because the Santa here is a lot more mean than in the last one, but, of course, because this store seems anti-progress, they decide not to fire him and get a new one. This results in what I suppose is supposed to be Ralphie standing up for Christmas.

Ralphie:
[to the shoppers] You can all go home! No more Santa for you! He is not worth it!

Nostalgia Critic:
[Flick and Schwartz start beating each other with candy canes] But naturally, it's just a forced segue into... I dunno, whatever the hell this is.

Ralphie:
Are you crazy? You're gonna get us fired, man! [Ralphie gets attacked by the candy canes held by his friends and he starts attacking them in kind]

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, bullshit! Haven't you heard? This place is like a cult! Once you go in, you can never f***ing get out! You have to get a blowj*b by the decapitated head of one of the customers in order to finally get kicked out of this place!

Hyper Fangirl:
[talking on a cell phone] Hi, Benny! It's Hyper Fangirl. How are you?

Benny the Assassin:
Not well. I just found out that "Clueless" is a f***ing ripoff.

Hyper Fangirl:
I need your help. I finally know what to do to the Nostalgia Critic.

Benny the Assassin:
Don't you ever learn your freakin' lesson?

Hyper Fangirl:
No, and twenty grand says neither do you.

Benny the Assassin:
I'll be there in ten minutes.

Hyper Fangirl:
But you don't know where I am.

Benny the Assassin:
I know where everyone is.

Nostalgia Critic:
The narrator is voiced by the writer of this sh*t stain, and though doing a decent mimic of the original author, his shaky voice sounds like he's saying these lines with a gun to his head.

Narrator:
Randy was a fledgling Buck Rogers fanatic, who had his own way of braving life's little conflicts in this world or any other.

[the Critic is then seen reading from a script, shaking in fear]

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating narrator] They forced me to write this or they'd take away my other testicle!

[gun is heard clicking]

Nostalgia Critic:
I mean, "It was a beautiful day in Indiana..."

Nostalgia Critic:
[about the first film being overly marketed] Even if that is the reason behind it, you're not supposed to be so lazily blatant about it. This is where "Christmas Story 2" comes in. Nowhere else will you find the needless, desperate, moneygrubbing whore element of Christmas than with the very idea of this film. It's such a horrible thought that even the trailer got probably the biggest amount of downvotes I've ever seen in awhile. [shows off a shot of the YouTube page for the trailer video which has 15,455 downvotes] I don't think Hitler could come back from the grave and get as many downvotes! If people say Christmas has gone commercial and lost its soul, this is the product to prove they're right. Because, yeah, thirty years later, we just demanded that the rest of the Christmas Story saga be told. We just couldn't sleep until that obvious cliffhanger ending was addressed. It just makes me realize how much Christmas has become glorifying, buying a bunch of bullshit that we don't actually need. What's next? "It's A Wonderful Life II"? "A Christmas Carol 2"? "The Star Wars Holiday Special 2"? When's it gonna end? I swear, this special is so bad that not only has it put me off of the original story, but it may have put me off of Christmas altogether!

Santa Christ:
Heyo!

Nostalgia Critic:
Ahh! Santa Christ, why are you here?

Santa Christ:
Well, I heard someone was trying to make "A Christmas Story 2" eggnog and I thought, well, I'd give it a whirl. [He takes a big swig of the stuff, which surprises him] Wow, that was a bad idea.

[Hyper Fangirl and Benny the Assassin are trying to make the Critic appreciate Christmas and "A Christmas Story" in particular, but he imprisons them in a room]

Hyper Fangirl:
How are we gonna get out of here, Benny?

Benny the Assassin:
Don't worry. All I need is a bobby pin... [the Fangirl gives him one from her hair]... and the complete works of Lewis Carroll. [she gives him a book] Thanks.

Nostalgia Critic:
We open with what I know you've seen an abundance of in the first film: CGI backdrops. Oh, it's like I'm back in the '40s already. To the film's credit, they do try to sepia tone it so that it looks a bit more like the first film, but it comes out like the Lifetime Network and the Hallmark Channel took a piss on the same negative.

Narrator:
And there I am, with that same dumb round face, and the same penetrating 20/90 vision.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes, the more we say the word "same," the more we hope it'll mentally brainwash you into thinking that they actually are the same. They're not, of course, as we see the father is now played by Daniel Stern, portraying him as an overcooked Rodney Dangerfield.

The Old Man:
I'm telling you, boys, if I earn that team, things would be a whole lot different.

Nostalgia Critic:
[mimicking Daniel Stern] Great, another role I can do with bug eyes and speaking out of the side of my mouth! [normal voice] To the actor's credit, the kid playing Ralphie actually does a decent job. He captures the spirit of the original performer but still manages to make it his own. The rest? Well, remember that bad community college play you had to watch a long time ago?

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Drusilla] Oh, look, the only character in the movie to have less lines than Ralphie. The out-of-place millennial girlfriend who you, of course, want to see get with Ralphie because... well, she's hot and doesn't say anything, and apparently, those were great qualities in the '40s.

Nostalgia Critic:
Y'know, I think there's other ways around this, Ralphie, rather than taking off your pants.

Chester A. Bum:
[Hyper Fangirl crash lands] Welcome to Earth.

Hyper Fangirl:
[looking around, she stoops to pick up the first thing she sees] I'll trade you this cigarette butt for your coat.

Chester A. Bum:
Oh my God, it must be my birthday! [Fangirl walks away, huddled in the coat, while Chester sits on the street, shivering and staring with glee at the used up cigarette] S-s-s-s-sucker.

Nostalgia Critic:
Every minute this movie plays, a snowman is hair drying himself to death.

Nostalgia Critic:
Seriously, what the f*** is wrong with you? Do you honestly think these actions are gonna win me over?

Hyper Fangirl:
I... I... I ju...

Nostalgia Critic:
No no no no no no. You break into my home, you kidnap me, you stalk me. I've had it up to f***ing Jupiter with you!

Hyper Fangirl:
I was just trying to get you back into the Christmas spirit by making you like A Christmas Story again.

Nostalgia Critic:
I love Christmas. I love A Christmas Story. It's YOU I can't stand. I swear, my life would be so much happier if you would just disappear from it.

Hyper Fangirl:
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you trying to say?

Nostalgia Critic:
[loses his temper] I hate you! I hate everything about you! If there was a likability scale between 1 and 10, you'd be negative pi! You'd be outlawed in 28 states just so people wouldn't have to talk to you again! If there was a cologne of you, you'd be Essence of Annoying. If cancer got cancer, YOU would be the one they would name it after! Knock knock.

Hyper Fangirl:
Who's there?

Nostalgia Critic:
Nobody! Because nobody would ever want to see you! When people ask monks what the meaning of life is, they say 'stay away from your dumb ass!' You're Beethoven's lost symphony: Death to Joy. Will anyone in an orange sweater, brown hair, glasses and a likable personality please raise their hand?

[Fangirl raises her hand]

Nostalgia Critic:
You're too stupid to even get that joke! On the evolutionary scale, you're the only one who's walking backwards! You're the Surgeon General's warning on every pack of cigarettes!

[suddenly dressed as a cheerleader]

Nostalgia Critic:
Gimme a I, gimme a H-A-T-E-YOU. I HAAAAAAAAAATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!

Nostalgia Critic:
Santa Christ, I need your help with something. I just threw out this really annoying person named Hyper Fangirl.

Santa Christ:
Well, what did she do?

Nostalgia Critic:
[sighs] She tried to make me appreciate Christmas.

Santa Christ:
Wow. You're a douche.

Nostalgia Critic:
So, with the ceremonial swearing of a Channel Awesome producer who has already reviewed this...

Mike J.:
Merry motherf***ing Christmas, you cun...

Nostalgia Critic:
This is Christmas Story 2.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Hyper Fangirl] She did all these terrible things and she deserves to be punished for it.

Santa Christ:
Last I heard she was flying 30,000 feet through the air completely set on fire. Sounds like punishment enough to me.

Nostalgia Critic:
You're not gonna be on my side, are you?

Santa Christ:
I don' think YOU'RE on your side.

The Old Man:
It means that you jinxed it, that's what it means! Everything was going great until you showed up.

Nostalgia Critic:
Y'know, the father in the first film was tough and had his flaws, but he was still very likable. This guy is just a complete a**hole from beginning to end. What's his encore, singing "Great Balls of Fire" at the burn ward?

The Old Man:
[to Mother, re: Randy's gift] I told you he'd like it. And you wanted to get him socks.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Mother] Well, last time I save your ass handing over my life savings for a f***ing carp. [as himself] My God, what a terrible human being.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Benny and Fangirl escaped the Critic's office and are appearing in a pop-up ad] What are you?

Benny the Assassin:
Adoring Christmas, as you should be.

Hyper Fangirl:
We just don't want you to lose the holiday spirit, Critic.

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, I swear, if I see your face again, I will lose your HEAD in a CORNFIELD! [slaps ad away, then quickly brings it back] Okay, that was really dark and I don't condone that kind of behavior, but nevertheless, PISS OFF!

Nostalgia Critic:
A cat in Bea Arthur's cooch.

Nostalgia Critic:
[as Merlin] No, no, I said bring me a knight, not show me cut scenes from Rookie of the Year.

Player:
Fuller, get me my bat.

Calvin:
[sarcastically] As you wish, your highness.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, act like the ball isn't gonna rape you and then you can talk back to the players.

Player:
Hasta la vista, Fuller.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Schwarzenegger] You do not have copyright of that catchphrase! I eat you! I eat you all!

Calvin:
[wearing a knight helmet] Smells like something died in here.

Nostalgia Critic:
Um, someone DID die in there.

Nostalgia Critic:
So Calvin and Katie go rollerblading through King Arthur's castle... wow, that did sound as stupid as I thought it would.

Nostalgia Critic:
Calvin and Katie go riding in the forest when they spot Winslet and Craig doing... [they're kissing] WHOA! Hot British SEX! I never thought those three words would come together, but WHOA!

Princess Sarah:
[Sarah and Katie share a tender, sisterly moment] I will always look after thee. [Sarah strokes Katie's hair as Critic pants like a dog and leans closer to the screen]

Nostalgia Critic:
[the scene fades; screams] NO! Go back! Go back! I wanna see them get it on! [the scene turns to King Arthur and Calvin] Son of a b*tch! We're right in the middle of hot medieval lesbianism, one of the few things I want to see before I die, and all of a sudden it cuts to these two putzes? I mean, come on! What kind of sexual eroticism can they possibly get on with those two?

Calvin:
Never swallow.

King Arthur:
Never swallow.

Nostalgia Critic:
[stares, then screams] Go back to the lesbians!

King Arthur:
The people believe me to be a coward. The guards are still loyal to Lasko. We bide our time, young lad, and when the hour is nigh, we'll nail him.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes, we'll wait until he kills me in my sleep, marries my daughters and takes his place on the throne. Then, we'll really get'em.

Nostalgia Critic:
What? You're gonna let him walk after all he's done?

Calvin:
You're gonna let him walk after all he's done?

Nostalgia Critic:
Even the idiot knows this makes no sense!

Princess Katie:
Is there nothing I can say or do to make you stay?

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Calvin] There's several things you can do to make me stay. You just won't do them.

Nostalgia Critic:
This is the kind of movie you show your kids to punish them.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, they're actresses first and sisters second, and that's good enough in my porno... book.

Mara Wilson:
Hello, Critic.

Nostalgia Critic:
[surprised] Mara Wilson?

Mara Wilson:
I heard you've been saying some pretty nasty things about me.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, hey, forget it, missy! You knew what you were doing back then as a kid! If you didn't want people like me making fun of your work, you wouldn't have chosen so many crappy movies. I don't care how old you were!

Mara Wilson:
So you think kids should be held accountable for what they film, no matter what their age?

Nostalgia Critic:
Damn right, sister!

Mara Wilson:
[smirks] Because I came across some interesting videos from a little town called Bothell, Washington.

Nostalgia Critic:
[suddenly nervous] Bothell, Washington?

Mara Wilson:
Yes, of a certain Internet critic who made movies when he was a young lad.

Nostalgia Critic:
You're bluffing. You don't really have those videos.

Mara Wilson:
Roll the film. [an old video of the Critic when he was younger is shown] Ah, isn't it wonderful? [shows off another video of the younger Critic]

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh my God, I thought I had these burned!

Mara Wilson:
You're a regular Daniel Day-Lewis!

Nostalgia Critic:
Shut up!

Mara Wilson:
How brave of you to go with those braces. Tell me, was it meant to look like your teeth were eating over them?

Nostalgia Critic:
SHUT UP!

Mara Wilson:
The acne is a nice touch, too. I bet you purposely never showered just to get that effect.

Nostalgia Critic:
It was Seattle during the grunge era; none of us did!

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. When you hear the word "critic," what's the very first thing you think of? [cut to a photo of The Nostalgia Critic] know, I know. But aside from me, what's the first thing you think of when you hear the word "critic?" [cut to a photo of The Angry Video Game Nerd] No! Get him offscreen! All right... aside from me and the Nerd, what's the first thing you think of when you hear the word "critic?" [cut to a photo of a man in a tribal outfit holding a violin] Why would you... all right, aside from me, the Nerd, and... Half-Naked Violinist Running Down the Street... screw it. It's Siskel and Ebert.

Nostalgia Critic:
They're probably the best-known movie critics in all of media. Their trustworthy tagline "Thumbs Up" and "Thumbs Down" is still being used even today. But what is it about them that's so damn memorable? It's ironic that the lasting impression movies leave on them creates a lasting impression that these two leave on us. Don't try to understand that sentence- your brain will explode.

Nostalgia Critic:
They finally found a replacement: Richard Roeper, a much younger and more energetic critic compared to Roger Ebert, but sadly, not quite as up to par with Gene Siskel. Roeper simply seemed too young to be talking on the same level as Ebert about a lot these films. For example, Ebert's favorite movie is Citizen Kane. Roeper's is Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Nothing wrong with that- I like the movie, also- but it does certainly show the difference between the two.

Richard Roeper:
All right, come on, I'm being punk'd, right? Now let's do your real review.

Nostalgia Critic:
Even though it's obvious Roeper really enjoys and admires movies, Siskel and Ebert practically breathed movies, from what they wrote to what they talked about. Everything was movies. Roeper was a columnist before he became a critic, and because of this, he sort of fell into the same traps that most critics on TV do: trying to slip in the one-liners.

Richard Roeper:
That's like saying the napkin's good in a bad restaurant.

Richard Roeper:
I'm a hipster who knows what's right for the kids.

Richard Roeper:
I swear, it seems like English is a second language for her.

Richard Roeper:
The obvious joke is Half Past Dead would be a documentary about Steven Segal's career.

Nostalgia Critic:
But now, to his credit, he seems like a nice enough guy. His columns are funny, he has a great respect for Ebert, and I really liked how he always promoted lesser-known actors from the films he reviewed. But, sadly, disaster struck again. Ebert was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and underwent radiation treatments on his salivary glands. An emergency operation resulted in him losing his voice. Because of this, Ebert had to leave the show to Roeper and, sadly, would never return. The show now starred Roeper and a series of guest critics. But after not being able to agree with the new direction the producers wanted to take it, Roeper left as well.

Nostalgia Critic:
In 1998, things started to take a turn for the worse. Siskel was checked into the hospital for treatment of a brain tumor. But did that stop the guy from reviewing films? F*** no! He actually did the reviews from his hospital bed with a picture posted like he was right there. Which was a little creepy, but it still showed he had balls. But hell, if there's a way to get something done, you just take that way to get it done. Isn't that right, Ma-Ti? [a still picture of Ma-Ti, which changes based on his mood, appears with the caption "Ma Ti Live from Beating Heart Hospital"]

Ma-Ti:
Oh, yes, Critic, just do your best and you will succeed.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah. That guy has balls, doesn't he?

Ma-Ti:
Yes, Critic, he certainly has strong, plentiful balls.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, by the way, what the hell are you doing in the hospital?

Ma-Ti:
I'm having my balls removed.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh.

Ma-Ti:
I'm officially a p*ssy.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, I don't know if that officially makes you a...

Ma-Ti:
P*ssy!

Nostalgia Critic:
I actually got to meet Roger Ebert at a book signing near Chicago. He autographed one of my favorite books of his, Your Movie Sucks. In fact, I have the book right here. Look at that pissed-off face. I can only hope to see so many bad movies I get that pissed off. So, let's see exactly what he wrote: "Your Movie Sucks... but you don't! Roger Ebert." Ha! You hear that! Anyone who doesn't like me out there: Roger Ebert, one of the greatest critics of all time, says I don't suck! Only my movies suck! My movies suck! Ha! Wait...

Nostalgia Critic:
It now appeared that the television legacy of Siskel, Ebert, and Roeper was officially gone. And it was instead replaced by these two douchebags, Ben Lyons and Ben Manken... Monkeywich... I hate them already. The show tried to incorporate a lot more interviews, opening nights, and a bunch of other gimmicks that just didn't seem like the original show. Because of this, the show did poorly, and has since then been replaced again by two more critics, Michael Phillips and A.O. Scott. They're a little better, but still not the same. That wonderful chemistry and creative energy that only Siskel and Ebert had would never be recaptured. But, then again, maybe it shouldn't be. That's probably what made them so great to begin with: they both shared an understanding and companionship that no other person could duplicate. I think that's what makes it all the more special and all the more lasting. Plus, both Richard Roeper and Roger Ebert are still writing. And despite his operation, Ebert says he feels fine. Actually, I think he looks kind of cool. I mean, he has a permanent smile on his face. That's actually kind of awesome. In fact, I tried having a permanent smile once, but it only lasted two days. In fact, every time I smile now, it hurts like a bastard.

Nostalgia Critic:
It's true that their relationship was very hard to figure out. They claimed they never hung out outside of work, but the way they acted sometimes, you'd swear they were brothers fighting over a toy truck.

Gene Siskel:
It's Thriller Week on Siskel & Ebert at the Movies, and we've got three new...

Roger Ebert:
It's called AND the Movies, not AT the Movies.

Gene Siskel:
That's this week on Siskel... & Ebert... & the Movies. And the a**hole. And that's Roger.

Nostalgia Critic:
In fact, this video of them shooting a promo has gotten a ton of hits on YouTube just for that very reason.

Gene Siskel:
Roger is the only guy in the history to ever answer "Yes" to every question he's asked at McDonald's.

Nostalgia Critic:
But for as many insults each of them could take, they always dished back double the amount.

Roger Ebert:
When they saw Gene walking in with... a little kid behind the counter called for the manager and said, "Mr. Jones, can you come out here? You can understand Mr. Siskel, can't you?"

Nostalgia Critic:
But at least they could agree on one thing: they both f***ing hate Protestants.

Roger Ebert:
Goddamn Protestants. Biggest thing that happens for them on Sunday is a bake sale.

Gene Siskel:
No, they've got to decide what color yellow tie to f***in' buy.

[the Nostalgia Critic is shocked]

Roger Ebert:
That's right. The only f***ing religion that has the Reader's Digest as a prayer book.

Nostalgia Critic:
I would just like to point out that, um, not all critics are prejudiced against certain religions. I, for example, am only prejudiced against these: [the names of various religions quickly scroll by, ending with "Whatever religion the Oompa-Loompas practice"] Especially the middle one.

Nostalgia Critic:
The cool thing about them is that even if you don't agree with their review, they're still incredibly fun to listen to. Like I love how Ebert actually thought Congo was supposed to be bad.

Roger Ebert:
And it's supposed to be funny. This movie was written by John Patrick Shanley. It's in the same mood as his movie Joe vs. the Volcano. It was hilarious!

Nostalgia Critic:
[unconvinced] Yes... and, uh, Dominic from Video Game Confessions does a good British accent.

Dominic:
Oi!

Nostalgia Critic:
Faker.

Nostalgia Critic:
Imagine, Dom DeLuise in a Don Bluth movie.

Nostalgia Critic:
Um, should he really be reacting this way to a toddler kissing him? I mean, if any people you knew reacted this way, especially in Central Park, I don't think you'd watch with charm at all. I think you would probably call the cops.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Ganorga singing] I'm so animalistic to be canibalistic, bad is rad and I'm ballistic.

Nostalgia Critic:
[screams] Tell a story! Seriously, there's only so much whimsical pandering an audience can take. Do something of substance! No, no, not sing! Not sing!

Nostalgia Critic:
Good God. My Little Pony, The Care Bears, Teletubbies, Cabbage Patch Kids, The Smurfs, Barbie, Pound Puppies, Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Barney the Dinosaur, all the High School Musicals, Jem and the goddamn Get Along Gang are f***ing BUTCH compared to this!

Nostalgia Critic:
Stanley, how dare you destroy a great animator's career with your mere existence!

Stanley the Troll:
Oh but I didn't, Mr. Critic. I'm sharing all the good-good-goodness that comes from flowers, sunshine and animals that smile with their mouthes open.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, but couldn't you make something with a little more intelligence and charm to it? I mean, this is so annoying.

Stanley the Troll:
But annoyance is part of my charm. I'm like that cute little puppy who barks alot, or a unicorn's horn shoved up your ass, or pancreatic cancer.

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, look, I'm just gonna hang up. Obviously I'm getting nowhere with you.

Nostalgia Critic:
So everybody sleeps because I guess it's the movie's nap time.

Nostalgia Critic:
[gasps] Did he actually suggest that somebody has balls in this movie?

Nostalgia Critic:
I don't care if it's innocent and cutesy, it's a piece of sh*t.

Nostalgia Critic:
I had to sit through it [points to camera] and you're gonna sit through it.

Nostalgia Critic:
So she sends him to the land of rock and steel, where nothing grows, in Central Park, New York. Okay, did you guys even read your own script? There's flowers everywhere, you morons!

Nostalgia Critic:
[On two of the actors' attempts to hide their British accents] Sounds about as convincing as House. [audience boos] Oh come on, it's obvious. It's so incredibly obvious.

Nostalgia Critic:
Son of a b*tch... [dials phone]

Stanley the Troll:
Pretty-pretty-pretty, yes?

Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, how come your dreaming is so much more powerful than my dreaming?

Stanley the Troll:
That's because I have buttery butterflies, beautiful flowers and the wasted talents of ex-Disney animators.

Nostalgia Critic:
[screams] YOU ARE SCUM!

Stanley the Troll:
I love you.

Nostalgia Critic:
Then our main character appears. His name is Stanley and the only way to describe him is imagine Bilbo Baggins just ate the Lucky Charms leprechaun and got sh*t out through Dopey's anus. And that's the nice version.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Hayley Mills] Yes, we all have to learn to appreciate what we have. For example, I could have been the star of Saved by the Bell. I was the star of Saved by the Bell, yet for some reason I'm not the star of Saved by the Bell. Good Morning, Miss Bliss my f***ing ass!

Nostalgia Critic:
This movie... grr! It's just... gah! It's really... f***ity f*** f***! [calms down] Okay, I apologize... f***, f***, f***! I'm sorry, it's just... MAN is this a bad one. I mean, just saying the title of this movie pisses me off, that's how bad it is. Just watch: A Troll in Central... f*** this movie! A Troll in Central Park.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh God, as if Hobbits couldn't get any gayer.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, my god. Do something important! I can't take this. I really can't. This is the guy who directed The Secret of NIMH, one of my all time favorite movies. How can he bring himself into such a f***ing low?

Nostalgia Critic:
So, Stanley enslaves New York because... he can dream it, I guess.

[last lines]

Stanley the Troll:
Posey, posey. I love poseys. Hello.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, Stanley, you know. Your movie inspired me greatly and, uh...

Stanley the Troll:
Oh, that's beautiful.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, and I finally realized that I think I can dream just as strong as you can dream. Maybe even "outdream" you. So, um... I have a very special dream lined up for you, right now. I hope you enjoy it.

Stanley the Troll:
Oh, that's wonderful, Mr. Critic! I sure hope that involves flowers and butterflies and... Uh-oh. Excuse me, there appears to be a porcupine growing out of my anus. Oh, wow, yes, that's incredibly painful, actually. Oh, oh, yes. Incredible amount of pain, ha, ha. Oh, oh, oh, nope. Now, it's transformed into a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Hello, Mr. Lizard, how are you...

[we hear a roar]

Stanley the Troll:
Oh, God! He's eating my organs! He's eating my organs! Oh, God! Oh, no, no! This is incredibly bad! That's incredibly bad!

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to.

Stanley the Troll:
...such a whimsical happy tree... Ow! Now, he's going after my nads! My enchanted nads! Oh, hoh! Please, please, GOD! I still love you.

Nostalgia Critic:
Ok. This is what happens when you let your five-year old write the screenplay.

Nostalgia Critic:
Ok. This is why there's a difference between a housekeeper and a babysitter. Did they teach you that in jolly old London?

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait. So if you just dream that certain things will exist, they'll just magically exist? That's... Nuts!

Nostalgia Critic:
You can't just dream for something to happen and expect it to magically happen! That's not how life works!

Nostalgia Critic:
What are you trying to teach your kids, movie? That if you just dream your dog will come back to life or your parents will come back together?

Nostalgia Critic:
This isn't pandering to your kids. It's simple logic!

Nostalgia Critic:
Dreams don't happen by just dreaming. You make it happen!

Nostalgia Critic:
Sweet Jesus! This musical number's still going! Whats the point? Whats the purpose? It doesn't further the story! Its not funny! Its not entertaining! Why are you still on?

Nostalgia Critic:
So Stanley comes back to life, the kids parents... never turn around. So, I guess they never see him, and he rebuilds Central Park with his enchanted power.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, God. There's more movie.

Nostalgia Critic:
Its junk food. brightly colored junk food for the mind.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, tell that Rice Krispie elf!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I really like how you deciphered my hidden meaning. [Message saying "Lick my sh*t, Nostalgia Critic"] Well you were close. It was actually, "lick my balls, you piece of sh*t Nostalgia Critic."

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes, yes, I forgot to carry the 1.

Nostalgia Critic:
You... dirty... stuck-up... sadistic... sh*t-eating, cocksucking, buttf***ing, penis-smelling, crotch-grabbing, ball-licking, semen-drinking, dog-raping, Nazi-loving, child-touching, cow-humping, perverted, spineless, heartless, mindless, dickless, testicle-choking, urine-gargling, jerk-offing, horse face, sheep-fondling, toilet-kissing, self-centered, feces-puking, dildo-shoving, snot-spitting, crap-gathering, big-nosed, monkey-slapping, bastard-screwing, bean-shitting, fart-knocking, sack-busting, splooge-tasting, bear-blowing, head-swallowing, b*tch-snatching, handjobbing, donkey-caressing, mucus-spewing, anal-plugging, ho-grabbing, uncircumsized, sewer-sipping, whore mongering, piss-swimming, midget-munching, douchebag, ho-biting, carnivorous, mail-order prostituting *a**hole*!

Nostalgia Critic:
So it seems that the Angry Video Game Nerd has officially become The Irate Gamer to my incredible genius. [audience boos] Okay, okay, that was a bit too far.

Nostalgia Critic:
I posted my list of reviews on April 21st. The Angry Video Game Nerd posted his review on April 22nd. That means he had to write the material, set up the shots, shoot the video, transfer it, edit it, and post it on his website, all in less than 24 HOURS. What kind of sick, jealous rage pushes a man to such limits? Well, let me tell you something: I will not be intimidated. In light of this rivalry, I've decided to push my review to next week, as opposed to two weeks later. And I am going to avoid your review like the plague, 'cause I don't want any of your video game nerdiness tampering with my views! So, I leave you, Angry Video Game Nerd, with this statement: I'M the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you... You hear me?... YOU don't have to! [gets up to leave, then leans back in] By the way, what'd ya say about Lucas, isn't that kid hilarious? Oh my God, I have so much fun writing jokes about... I hate you! [leaves]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What? Are you raised in a barn? Shut the f***ing door!

Nostalgia Critic:
[after he's kicked into a pile of boxes] Who keeps piles of boxes around? Honestly!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, don't you talk about my boxes! I like boxes!

Nostalgia Critic:
That's the f***est thing I ever heard, sh*t-mop.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Shitload of f***.

Nostalgia Critic:
F*** monkey.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I'm giving you both middle fingers... at full force!

Nostalgia Critic:
Cow-humping transvestite!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Fe-fi-fo-f*** you!

Nostalgia Critic:
Ass-blower!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Turdburglar! Robble-robble-robble!

Nostalgia Critic:
[mocking tone] Oh, look at me, I'm the Angry Video Game Nerd! [Both of them babble at each other incomprehensibly for a few seconds]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Shuuuuuuuuut up! Shuuuuuuuuuuuut up! Shuuuuuuuuuut up!

Nostalgia Critic:
You f***y little f***less f***ing motherf***ing f***et of f***ing world!

Nostalgia Critic, The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***!

Nostalgia Critic:
Cocknocker!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
...Jerk.

Nostalgia Critic:
[gasp] That's it!

Nostalgia Critic:
Now where's my other student, F***up McDumbass?

[as slovenly student]

Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, teach, here's my project and it's awesome! It's got a lot of running, a lot of chili dogs, there's a monkey and a chicken and they just yell all the time. Blah blah blah blah blah, it's totally awesome.

[as teacher, deadpan]

Nostalgia Critic:
McDumbass, did you put any effort into this?

[as student]

Nostalgia Critic:
No, I just got high. [the Critic gives the project an F]

Nostalgia Critic:
You make them sound annoying for a reason... THEY ANNOY YOU!

Tails:
[surrounded by Scratch, Grounder and Coconuts] We're surrounded, Sonic. Call 911.

Sonic:
No way, Tails, this is nothing. 911 is for real emergencies.

Nostalgia Critic:
That's right, kids, don't call 911 if someone's trying to kill or kidnap you, only call for important things. Like if the cable goes out and you can't watch The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. That's what's important.

Nostalgia Critic:
[to Princess Sally] You're not really a princess. You just took the title 'cause it sounds cute. Take some authority! You're a queen! Queen it up, b*tch! They don't all have to look like Queen Elizabeth II; you can still be pretty, but start moving forward and take some responsibility! The furries will respect you for it.

Nostalgia Critic:
[seeing the second Sonic show] Effort! Honest to God effort!

Nostalgia Critic:
[Sees the end of the last Sonic the Hedgehog episode, and there is a monster shrouded in darkness] Holy sh*t, what is that? Oh my God, I can't wait for the next episode. What the hell's gonna happen?

[the word CANCELLED appears over the show logo]

Nostalgia Critic:
*F*** YOU*!

Nostalgia Critic:
It's the kind of thing they would show Malcolm McDowell in "The Clockwork Orange" in order to break his mind.

Alex DeLarge:
[being forced to watch "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"; screams] Stop it! Stop it, please! I beg you!

Dr. Robotnik:
It warms the cockles of my heart.

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, the less I know about your cockles, the better.

Nostalgia Critic:
So, what's wrong with this show? What's *right* with this show? *That's* the shorter answer!

Nostalgia Critic:
[on the voices of Scratch and Grounder] And if you thought Sonic's voice was annoying, just get a load of this ear sodomy.

Nostalgia Critic:
But surely you can't take something as silly looking as Robotnik and make him the least bit intimidat... [sees Robotnik] JESUS! Man, even Robotnik's cool as sh*t.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Dr. Robotnik] Wow, he hates Sonic so much that he actually has the word "hate" tattooed on his very teeth. That's a lot of hate.

Nostalgia Critic:
...I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to earth and lives in the realms of the real world... UNTIL TODAY, when that reality was *challenged* by a blue-tinted hedgehog and his flying fox with two tails! This is the gateway to madness that the world of children's programming has chosen to call "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog".

Nostalgia Critic:
[on Coconuts] I don't know why, but this vengeful, war-hungry monkey always reminds me of George W. Bush. Maybe it's the cowboy hat, I don't know. [as George Dubya] He's got weapons of mass acceleration.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Grounder blows into his hand and out pops a pumpkin] What? Pumpkin! Pumpkin, what? What? Pumpkin? What? I don't care what drug-induced land you're in, you cannot blow in your hand and come up with a pumpkin. How did you even come to that conclusion?

Nostalgia Critic:
What's next? He's gonna blow in his hand and a beautiful woman's gonna come out? [a rubber woman attached to Scratch's hand inflates] Whaaaaaaaaaat? How can you blow into your hand and make a woman? Why would you even be chasing hedgehogs if you can blow into your hand and make a woman? It does not add up!

Nostalgia Critic:
[showing picture of Chester A. Bum] You must be at least this high to watch.

Sonic:
Guess you guys won't be staying for a second show!

Nostalgia Critic:
Ya got that right.

Nostalgia Critic:
What *else* could you *possibly* teach that would be as stupid as that?

Sonic:
Even you can learn something from a sloth.

Nostalgia Critic:
[fires hand gun, yelling] F*** THIS SHOW! F*** this show! F*** this show!

[shoots characters' heads off, one by one]

Nostalgia Critic:
F*** this show, f*** this show, f*** it, f*** it!

[fires gun repeatedly until there is an explosion]

Nostalgia Critic:
[Describing the show] Imagine coming across a mentally disabled person who's not only criminally insane but was also drunk, high, and had a whole frontal lobotomy leaving him with little to no intelligence left in his brain.

[shouting]

Nostalgia Critic:
He would be NORMAL compared to "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"!

Nostalgia Critic:
My god! How do you even advertise a show like this? I mean, what did the commercials look like?

[as an announcer]

Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, kids! Ren and Stimpy making too much sense for you? Then put on "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"! You'll love this cosmic out-of-body raping of your senses. It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on,

[pointing at a picture of Chester A. Bum]

Nostalgia Critic:
You must be at least this high to watch.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about the second Sonic show] The show is called "Sonic the Hedgehog". The later got the name "Sonic: Sat AM". Why? Because it came on Saturday mornings, I guess. Now, isn't that kind of stupid? Isn't that like calling the title of a show "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Eastern Standard Time"? Look, I know it's customary to release a show after some time has gone by, BUT WITHIN THE SAME F***ING YEAR? That's as crazy as the rest of the bullshit I had to put up with today!

Nostalgia Critic:
The show takes place in Who-Gives-a-Sh*t-Land. I call it that because clearly, you look at the backgrounds knowing the creators just threw up their arms and shouted, "Really, who gives a sh*t?"

Nostalgia Critic:
[about the Sonic Says segment] But even the messages are weird. I mean, there's the usual stuff like learn to share and eat your veggies, but some days are just... strange.

Sonic:
Believe it or not, every year some ignorant kid takes a ride in a clothes dryer just like this one. If you think it's smart to climb in a dryer, you're really all wet.

Nostalgia Critic:
...Really? Kids climbing in dryers is such a national problem, they have to devote the entire end of an episode to that? You know what? Given the intelligence of the people who watch this show, this is probably a good thing to teach, because my guess is, when they're not trying to operate heavy machinery with their butt-cheeks, they're probably trying to do something stupid like this!

Nostalgia Critic:
[about the second Sonic show] It literally took nothing and turned it into something, unlike...

[shows the first Sonic show]

Nostalgia Critic:
THAT OTHER F***ING SHOW! They took nothing and turned it into even less than nothing!

Nostalgia Critic:
[trying to make sense of Sonic's love of chili dogs] You know, at least with other cartoons, there's some sort of rhyme or reason: Bugs Bunny with carrots, Winnie the Pooh and honey... a blue hedgehog and chili dogs? What's the connection? My guess is it's what gives him his super sonic speed. That's to say I'm sure he's fast on his feet, but nothing can breathe fire like a gas-producing bean product that makes you want to sh*t more than a Metamucil cocktail.

Nostalgia Critic:
[shows off footage of Sonic and Tails being chased by robots] Now, I know what you might be thinking: "Are you just showing the opening of this show again?" Nope, this is literally all the show is, just chasing and yelling. It's like a cartoon show for kids that have Tourette syndrome.

Antoine:
I am hating to be a, oh, how you say, such a worry-worm, but this terrible place, it's... it's not so good for our health. We go home, yes?

Nostalgia Critic:
[mocking French accent] In fact, why don't we just surrender? 'Cause that's all we French know how to do, right? Surrender, make love, and be unbelievably snooty. Now, where's my French beret, accordion, twirly mustache, and striped shirt?

[pause]

Nostalgia Critic:
Jerry Lewis.

Nostalgia Critic:
[surprised to learn about the second show's environmentalism] Wait, wait, I can't comprehend this - an environmental message that's... SUBTLE?

[the word SUBTLE appears in big red letters]

Shyamalan:
[singing to the tune of the Looney Tunes ending theme] Why does everybody keep on hiring me all of my work is sh*t!

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Sarah Palin is stupid. There, I got the Sarah Palin joke out of the way, let's talk about Alaska.

Nostalgia Critic:
So, they're clearly establishing that none of this is a dream and that it's all reality? Okay, despite the fact that this is clearly going against what the original book was doing, why would all of these obvious symbols that worked it's way into the fantasy be presented? I mean, what's the point if it's all real? mean, it's suddenly being like...

[Santa Christ walks by going in the opposite direction]

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, hey Santa Christ!

Santa Christ:
Hello!

Nostalgia Critic:
What are you doing here?

Santa Christ:
I don't know!

[Commenting on a homoerotic scene between Ripley and Call]

Nostalgia Critic:
Did I mention this director was French? Very, very French!

The Spoony One:
So one of the kids escapes from the evil experiments and runs to the safest place he can think of: a high voltage electricity box.

Linkara:
But it's okay, he's saved by a flash forward to the future.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh no, he grew up into Christian Slater.

Christian Slater as Edward:
So maybe you're thinking I'm an a**hole, scaring that kid for no reason.

The Spoony One:
No, we think you're an a**hole for a lot of other reasons.

Christian Slater as Edward:
You don't have to believe me.

Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One, Linkara:
Why start now?

Linkara:
You know, you don't have to beat up the door, pal. You could just as easily go through the window you smashed through.

Nostalgia Critic:
[repeated line, said when Spoony messes with his computer voice speaker] I like to wear women's clothing.

The Spoony One:
So we get to a scientist named Aileen played by Tara Reid. How do we know she's a scientist? Well because she has glasses of course. And as we all know, any woman who wears glasses is either a scientist or an adventurous librarian.

Linkara:
Is he trying to out-Slater Christian Slater?

Nostalgia Critic:
So we see the professor guy apparent has been keeping some of these monsters for himself. Taking their blood and injecting it into his own. What does this have to do with the story? Nothing. Uwe Boll is just a weird f***.

Nostalgia Critic:
[repeated line; as Slater] Why the hell was I in Star Trek VI?

Linkara:
But his monologuing doesn't last long as he's interrupted by Aileen dropping by his place. Perhaps she's come to share some info or figure out why he lied about being dead or...

The Spoony One:
[Edward and Aileen start making out] Or maybe she's just a whore.

Linkara:
What kind of woman acts like this? Breaks into your home and just starts making out with you. Granted, I wish more women acted like that, but this is really pushing it.

Chester A. Bum:
Change? Ya got...? [is shot]

90s Kid:
Whoa, what's with all these flashing lights? [is shot] Oh, not radical.

Stephen Dorf:
We been trying to stop something they created this whole time. My guys are dying out there for nothing. For f***ing nothing! GOD DAMMIT!

Nostalgia Critic:
[mimicking] I'm acting.

Stephen Dorf:
I got a feeling this is just the beginning.

Nostalgia Critic, Linkara, The Spoony One:
Awwww!

The Spoony One:
How long is this movie?

Linkara:
This movie has a talent for somehow having too much plot and yet no plot at all.

Linkara:
So now with the monsters blown up, everything is fine, right? Noooooo. For it turns out some other group of monsters that was never explained or shown to us attacked the city while they were fighting in the cave, resulting in a complete evacuation of the entire city, ALL IN ONE NIGHT! Wow! That's a LOT to buy, movie. That is a LOT to buy.

Nostalgia Critic:
One night? They evacuated the city in one night? Holy f*** balls is this stupid.

The Spoony One:
And you know what makes it really tragic is that everyone in the city had just two days left 'til retirement...

Nostalgia Critic:
Shut up.

Linkara:
[a character is shot] What... he didn't even hit her! Look, it goes right above her head. Was the shock of somebody trying to kill her too much for her to handle?

Nostalgia Critic:
Actually, think about it, that gun shot was computer generated, so the director actually had to say in post-production, 'make sure that shot doesn't hit her.' What a cocksucking douchebag.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I feel a film this bad would take at least three reviewers, so unless you can find someone else...

Linkara:
[comes in] Hi, guys!

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh Jesus, no.

Linkara:
I saw the Nostalgia signal in the sky. [Cut to a shot of a spotlight showing a picture of the Critic's face in the sky]

Nostalgia Critic:
Why did I install that?

Linkara:
No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony.

Nostalgia Critic:
How did you get in here?

The Spoony One:
I'm from the future.

Nostalgia Critic:
What?

The Spoony One:
Just kidding, I broke in.

Narrator:
The Abkani believed there are two worlds on this planet: a world of light and a world of darkness.

The Spoony One:
The Abkani were kinda stupid that way.

Narrator:
The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the earth.

Nostalgia Critic:
They never think to look under the fridge.

Linkara:
What's with this guy and his fear of doors? Did a door kill his family?

Nostalgia Critic:
[robotic computer voice] We loves Edward. We loves him so much. Oh, we hates Edward. We hates him with all our...

The Spoony One:
No, no, Critic, it doesn't work unless you actually have the Gollum voice.

Nostalgia Critic:
My precious.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark with a group in the daylight?

Linkara:
Sounds great.

The Spoony One:
Totally looking forward to it.

Nostalgia Critic:
Goody.

Christian Slater as Edward:
I don't think we're supposed to be here.

Nostalgia Critic:
You're... an... idiot.

The Spoony One:
I guess Stephen Dorf was right, she really would be okay.

Nostalgia Critic:
Nobody associated with this movie is okay.

Aileen:
Some doors are meant to stay shut.

Nostalgia Critic:
Like the DVD case to this movie.

Linkara:
Now it says "if you made it to this door, you weren't intimidated by the other door."

The Spoony One:
So Slater tries to shoot the guy, but it turns out bullets are just like Milk Duds being thrown at him.

Linkara:
[Edward now shoots him in the leg] Yes, because it worked so well the first time!

Aileen:
[a soldier falls through the floor] Marco!

Nostalgia Critic:
Polo.

The Spoony One:
And it probably doesn't help that every single one of these soldiers has just two days until retirement.

Sam:
I tracked down the three you asked me about.

Nostalgia Critic:
Even though you are showing him four, you moron.

Sam:
Not alot in common except they all grew up at the same orphanage.

The Spoony One:
Oh is that all? Just from the same orphanage? That's like saying, "oh, they have nothing in common except for that one huge thing they have in common."

The Spoony One:
[about the long narration text scroll] This isn't a bill for health care, just get to the freakin' action already!

Linkara, The Spoony One:
[to the tune of the Star Wars theme] Boring. This is so boring. This is so boring. Get to the show.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hey look, it's that guy who consistently almost has a career.

Linkara:
Stephen Dorf?

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes.

The Spoony One:
[enters from off-screen] Did someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for years.

The Spoony One:
So I guess 22 years before that onslaught of rambling text, there was a sweet, innocent old nun who ran a lovely little orphanage where she sold her children to the most adorable science experiments.

Linkara:
Wait, what?

Linkara:
This movie jumps around more than a Mexican jumping bean on a grasshopper... on a jackrabbit... on a pogo stick. [Spoony and NC give him a look] This movie sucks!

The Spoony One:
Be careful! Jesse Ventura has been known to kill people.

Linkara:
So rather than just attacking the guy, he climbs up a fence, walks over a bridge and THEN attacks the guy. I guess he figured he could use the exercise.

Aileen:
If you wanted somebody to build a puzzle, why would you hide the pieces so far apart?

Linkara, Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One:
Because it's a puzzle, you dummy! It's supposed to be hard to solve!

The Spoony One:
Well it appears that you have... oh, a cut scene. I'll tell you later.

Linkara:
[as the professor injects himself with monster blood] Mmmm, that's good McGuffin!

The Spoony One:
It's like he's taunting us with how bad he is. Like he can post anything he wants and yet somehow he'll still stay rich. Only in America.

Nostalgia Critic:
And yet, ironically, Uwe is German.

Nostalgia Critic:
There, it's over. Now leave.

The Spoony One:
Oh, but I got all these other Uwe Boll movies we could watch, like House of the Dead.

[NC slaps him]

Linkara:
Remember to buy Revolution of the Mask.

[NC pokes him in the eyes]

The Spoony One:
What about Dungeon Seige?

[NC slaps him]

Linkara:
Hey, you leave him alone.

[NC hits him]

The Spoony One:
I got BloodRayne.

[NC pokes him]

The Spoony One:
BloodRayne 2.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Linkara hits NC with his hat] Pick five.

[slaps Linkara]

The Spoony One:
Why you gotta be so mean? We could watch Seed.

[NC hits both of them]

The Spoony One:
Alright, Critic, it's on!

[NC is tackled by Spoony and Linkara]

Nostalgia Critic:
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.

Linkara:
How much text is in this movie?

The Spoony One:
It's like Alone in the Dark: The Audio Book.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Uwe Boll] He's also well known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the man-sh*t out of them. Class act.

Stephen Dorf:
It's classified. That means it's none of your f***ing business!

Linkara:
[in Clint Eastwood voice] What about the business of that little girl?

[repeated line]

Linkara:
Unless, of course, that man was...

Linkara, Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One:
Chuck Norris!

The Spoony One:
As of wearing glasses makes you look any smarter. [Linkara and Critic, who both wear glasses, stare at him] I need glasses.

Linkara:
So for some reason, everyone decides to just walk off the movie. I mean geez, I knew Uwe Boll was a terrible director, but to have all the actors walking off the movie at the same time is pretty bad.

Sam:
This must be why his entire nervous system is compromised.

Linkara:
If by "compromised", you mean INVINCIBLE!

Christian Slater as Edward:
Seems all the pieces fit together.

The Spoony One:
[imitating Aileen] Oh, is that what you call what we just did? I mean, I slapped you after we hugged. You don't even wanna know what I'm gonna do after we've had sex. 'Cha.

Linkara:
'Cha.

Nostalgia Critic:
Chaw.

The Spoony One:
Uh oh, Uwe Boll's turning the light switch on and off again, that must mean there's danger nearby.

The Spoony One:
This gets the attention of the agency of paranormal investigations, Bureau 713, filled with the most attractive people that GQ can afford.

Linkara:
Hey look, a wall. That's different.

The Spoony One:
So long, rare white cab driver guy.

Nostalgia Critic:
You know, for protecting us from the things we don't believe in, he really sucks at it.

Boy:
My mommy says there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark.

Linkara:
My mommy also says I should pick an accent before I act.

The Spoony One, Linkara:
[chanting] Padding, padding, padding. Padding, padding, padding. Padding, padding, padding.

The Spoony One:
What's with the physically impossible Street Fighter move?

The Spoony One:
[imitating valley girl] Okay, yeah, don't-cha know, like everybody knows about the Abkani.

Linkara:
It was all over MTV News last week.

Nostalgia Critic:
For sure.

Linkara:
We see Slater trying to walk away from the plot, when he has a sudden suspicion like he's being followed. And... he's not.

The Spoony One:
Huh. You know, from the way they were shooting, I could have sworn he was being followed.

Linkara:
Nope, he's just walking home with no conflicting obstacles whatsoever.

The Spoony One:
Huh. Kinda pointless, really.

Linkara:
Yep.

Linkara:
So, let's go back the way we just came.

Nostalgia Critic:
Walking at its best, folks.

Stephen Dorf:
[a soldier is hit] Lay down, relax, everything's going to be fine.

Linkara:
Well she's a goner.

Nostalgia Critic:
...Leading us back to the Kennedy assassination, opening up the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which means that Mario Lopez is a woman.

Nostalgia Critic:
[looking at himself in a mirror] Who are you? Who am I?

Nostalgia Critic:
DiVinci knew about this and left secrets for us to find. Everything goes back to the number 23... wait, no, it's just a coincidence. Only strangers can lead us to paradise. It's all part of the illusion.

Nostalgia Critic:
I'm no rope expert, but I think she can get out of that.

[repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
F*** you all!

Nostalgia Critic:
Then you see the guy who runs the place, played by a survivor of being frozen, Christopher Lloyd.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't booby.

Nostalgia Critic:
Batman has driven me batshit crazy!

Nostalgia Critic:
Tranquilizers. Always come prepared when Joel Schumacher's involved.

Nostalgia Critic:
[singing] Here's a film that's so awful, I'd rather have a guy/ Come circumcise me with an axe, poke me in the eye/ I'd rather drink a giant bowl of ape and monkey splooge/ and there's another million things that I would rather do.

Nostalgia Critic:
While trying to find a cure for his beloved wife, Mr. Freeze spends his time conducting an orchestra of killer eskimos singing "I'm Mr. White Christmas, I'm Mr. Snow." That's just stupid.

Nostalgia Critic:
[on Mr. Freeze's secret lair] A neon-lit ice cream puff. How can nobody figure out that he's in there? It's the equvelent of Walt Disney hiding out in Disneyland. Don't you think someone's gonna take a look?

Nostalgia Critic:
Meanwhile, the Batman who used to hide from the limelight and steal any hidden photographs taken of him is now making public appearances at a sexist auction where men bid on beautiful women to take out on a date.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, Alfred is sick? Alfred is sick? Do we really need to concern ourselves with the butler in this one?

Nostalgia Critic:
Wow, just think of how many starving children we could have saved with the money used for these effects.

Nostalgia Critic:
I think all that's missing here is for Poison Ivy to shout "Curses". Come on, say it. I dare ya. I double dare ya, motherf***er. You know you want to. You know you want to use every cliche in the book. Go ahead, say it! Say it! SAY IT!

Poison Ivy:
Curses!

Nostalgia Critic:
GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE!

Nostalgia Critic:
So she becomes the fearsome Batgirl, the only character in this movie who should have bat-nipples, but doesn't seem to have them.

Nostalgia Critic:
[singing] It's... Supercrapaf***erificexpealibullshit, film so bad the sensors really oughta go and pull it/ Sadly there's not many words that only rhyme with bullshit/ Supercrapaf***erificexpealibullshit.

Nostalgia Critic:
But besides that, Mr. Freeze's main goal seems to be making jokes about a subject matter that unfortunately lends itself to many insufferable puns. And I'll give you four guesses as to what that subject matter is: A- Celebrity gossip; B- Political Satire; C- Family dilemmas; or D- Ice;

Mr. Freeze:
[archive footage clips] The iceman commeth. Let's kick some ice. Can you be cold? Freeze well. Cool party. Stay cool.

Nostalgia Critic:
If your answer was D, NO F***ING SH*T!

Batman:
Freeze, you're mad.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes, listen to the sane man in the bat suit.

Mr. Freeze:
I'll kill you next time.

Nostalgia Critic:
Why not kill them now?

Nostalgia Critic:
So as you can tell, Schwarzenegger is by far the worst actor in this movie.

Poison Ivy:
I've got some... wild oats to sow.

Nostalgia Critic:
Until this person came along. And you are?

Poison Ivy:
Poison Ivy.

Nostalgia Critic:
So while Freeze tries freezing the world, Ivy tries seducing the Dynamic Duo. And here's something you never thought you'd see in this movie: a man kissing a woman. [Ivy kisses Robin] No, Robin, no, you're just confused.

Nostalgia Critic:
I never thought a catfight between Uma Thurman and Alicia Silverstone could be so boring.

Nostalgia Critic:
But what about Alfred? Isn't he still at death's door? Fortunately, Freeze's wife has the exact same disease as Alfred, and having a change of heart, gives Batman the cure he carries in his suit. And he didn't use this on his wife, because...?

Nostalgia Critic:
So you see, kids, the moral of the story is drop your studies, forget all about school, dress up in tight leather and live your life as a superhero. Why? Because Batman said it's okay. I'd say this was a horrible lesson for the kids, but I don't think it matters. No kid ever saw this movie. Batman was a gigantic bat bomb.

Robin:
Bat bomb?

Nostalgia Critic:
Bat bomb.

Batman:
[to Robin] She was trying to kill you, Dick.

Nostalgia Critic:
You watch your mouth.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well guys, this is it. The big one. The sh*t-stopper. The constipation of American cinema. A bowel blockage from which nothing of any value can possibly be removed. What is said to be one of the worst films of all time. I'm of course talking about the indescribable terror that is Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin.

Nostalgia Critic:
So yeah, if you're not a fan of one-liners, don't worry. There's only 167 BILLION more of them.

Nostalgia Critic:
So our heroes suit up for the opening fight, and yes, those costumes do come complete with bat-nipples and bat-asses.

Mr. Freeze:
What killed the dinosaurs?

Nostalgia Critic:
Gee, does it have something to do with ice?

Mr. Freeze:
The Ice Age!

Commissioner Gordon:
What happened? How'd they get away?

Nostalgia Critic:
How dare you didn't stop them. It's not like this is a job for the poli... how dare you didn't stop them!

Nostalgia Critic:
So Batman comes busting in along with his sidekick Robin on his motorcycle. As the fight scene rages, we get an onslaught of lame lines and over-the-top stunts.

Robin:
Nice catch!

Batman:
You break it. You buy it.

Nostalgia Critic:
In fact, you may notice a similarity to another familiar style. Can't quite put your finger on it? Maybe this will help.

stage direction:
[60's Batman music begins playing as Batman and Robin are seen fighting back to back. "Pow," "Wham," and "Lame" balloons appear when Batman and Robin hit someone]

Nostalgia Critic:
That's right. This Batman movie has stopped moving forward with its dark storyline and complex character development and has instead gone back to the campy, bright and colorful style of the original Adam West TV show.

stage direction:
[smiles and leans slowly toward the camera until his face is directly in front of the camera]

Nostalgia Critic:
HAAAAAAALLLLLLLP!

stage direction:
After the infamous "Bat Credit Card" scene

Nostalgia Critic:
A "Bat Credit Card?" They gave him a "Bat Credit Card?" They had the BALLS to give one of the GREATEST SUPERHEROES OF ALL TIME, A "BAT CREDIT CARD?" NO! NO! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!

stage direction:
Doug is being restrained by someone off screen. Caption says "20 minutes later"

Nostalgia Critic:
I apologize for that outrage. It was childish and immature. I just get a little peeved when I see one of my childhood icons carrying... A BAT CREDIT CARD! YOU BASTARDS! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! YOU'LL ALL DIE, YOU'LL GET THE GAS!

stage direction:
Doug is being restrained once again. Caption says "One hour later"

Nostalgia Critic:
Ahem. RAPE MY CHILDHOOD, WILL YOU? YOU WILL ALL DIE! YOU WILL ALL DIE!

stage direction:
Doug is being restrained once more. Caption reads "Seven hours later"

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay. I'm cool, I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm fine. So, After Batman uses the... you know what...

Nostalgia Critic:
Meanwhile, back at Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson get a visit from an unlikely visitor: Alfred's niece, Barbara, come all the way from Britain.

Barbara Wilson:
[Speaking without a hint of an accent] Uh, the new computer science division.

Nostalgia Critic:
I'm sorry, I just can't understand you under that incredibly thick British accent.

Barbara Wilson:
I don't know, all this luxury really isn't my style.

Nostalgia Critic:
Definitely Liverpool.

Barbara Wilson:
I've always lived kind of rough.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, I f***ing hate "Bio-Dome". I f***ing hate "Bio-Dome". I f***ing hate "Bio-Dome". I f***ing HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. [screams like a crazy man until he gets splashed with a bucket of water, calming him down] Thank you. Anyway, I f***ing hate "Bio-Dome".

Christopher Lloyd:
[plainly] I was frozen today.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, that's good to know. Thanks, Christopher Lloyd.

Nostalgia Critic:
They should just re-title this movie "Stupid White People Doing Stupider White Things."

90's Kid:
What you see is what you... [knock at door]

Nostalgia Critic:
Who's that?

90's Kid:
Oh it's probably just my landlord with another eviction notice. [banging] and a battering ram [rifle c*cks] and a sawed off shotgun. Gotta go!

Nostalgia Critic:
I smell shinanigans, or in their case, sh*t-nanigans.

Nostalgia Critic:
So the Blair Witch is Bigfoot from Monster Truck Rally? 'Cause that would be friggin' awesome!

Kim:
Keep your motherf***ing change!

Chester A. Bum:
Did she say "change"? I'll take that!

Nostalgia Critic:
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and pumpkin juice! [Beat] Why'd I say that? 'Cause it makes about as much sense as this f***ing movie!

Nostalgia Critic:
[after the movie ends] Well, all-in-all, the more I think about it, I think they wrapped up all the questions pretty well. Except: Was that the Blair Witch behind it the whole time? Did that "Twin Peaks" girl have anything to do with it? Oh, and what about the author, was she possessed or behind it at all? Actually, whoever it was, what was the motive? Why kill all these people? Were they under a spell, or just crazy? [Shows Jeff] I mean, we know *this* guy was crazy because he was in a mental institution. In fact, what was up with that opening with the mucus pouring into his nose? They never explained THAT. Hey, how come they saw crazy images *sometimes* and didn't at *other* times? Was there ever a rhyme or reason to it, or did they just do it out of nowhere? [Shows Video footage from the final scene] For that matter, how do we know the video footage is what we're really seeing? I mean, is that what really happened, or did the ghost, or witch, or whatever it is play with that too? We saw clearly it can mess with the footage. Speaking of which, why was the footage only playable when it's being played backwards? And even then, how did they see the snippets of it when they were playing it forward? Oh yeah, and did they ever explain why the goth chick was psychic? Because that was a "thrilling" backstory, wasn't it? I'm so glad they had THAT in the movie... THAT was essential to the plot! Hey, is there any chance you can explain why you were cutting to those bits of those people being murdered out of nowhere? Did it add anything to the story? Did it build any suspense? Now that I think about it, from a storytelling point of view: What does this have to do with the f***ing Blair Witch? The connection, if there is one at all, is never made! In fact, wait a minute: WHAT THE F*** WAS THE BOOK OF SHADOWS? Did they ever mention *that* in the movie? Why the hell was that the title? They don't talk about it; we never even see it! Don't you think maybe the title of your movie should goddamn have something well f***-sh*t-damn to do with your movie? It's never explained! [beat] Hey, you know what, come to think about it: THIS MOVIE IS BUTT-ASS!

Nostalgia Critic:
Welcome to Bland Sh*t 101. You ever have one of those pesky ideas that seems unique, original, and charmingly inventive? Don't you just HATE those?

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, and did I mention he's the only one who knows how to operate a computer? Yeah, the two brothers who want to start their own business don't know how to operate a computer. More bullshit, please.

Damien:
Don't rub it, be a man.

Nostalgia Critic:
"Don't rub it, be a man." Yeah, I had that T-shirt growing up too.

Nostalgia Critic:
So Preston is invited to the birthday party of a kid who doesn't like him... I'm not sure how that works.

Nostalgia Critic:
Did the film's score just gasp?

Nostalgia Critic:
That's right, he mistakes the kid for Juice. You see, all adults are freakin' idiots in Bland Sh*t 101, especially in kids' films.

Nostalgia Critic:
But wait a minute, this movie almost has a creative premise going. Surely there must be some way we can make it more conventional. How about a comic relief limo driver? There we go. And make sure not one word of his dialogue is funny. Ha ha. I love comedy relief that doesn't provide comedy or relief.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Shay] J. Edgar Hoover she ain't.

Nostalgia Critic:
It's been over two minutes. How about some lame jokes?

Shay:
Is he an entrepreneur?

Preston:
Nope, he's American.

Nostalgia Critic:
Good, good. And since there's clearly no interest in developing our characters, let's end with a prat fall. [Preston falls backwards in his chair] Oh ho ho, Blank Check, your quest for cinematic forgetfulness is beyond compare. [whispers] F*** you!

Nostalgia Critic:
Ah! A couple seconds of development and explanation. Isn't there any crappy montages we can cut to? [cut to montage of Preston playing with his new "toys"] Here we go. That's right, bring on the needless padding. Continue to film scenes that are only made for the trailer.

Nostalgia Critic:
So I guess the moral of our story is bad deeds always go unpunished and money is the route of all happiness. But really, would you expect any other message from the Disney corporation?

Nostalgia Critic:
But wait, don't bland, uninventive comedies need to have mindless montages? [cuts to Preston going on a shopping spree] Oh yeah, the movie's stylin' now!

Nostalgia Critic:
So, some burglars are trying to break into a place and there's just one lone kid there to defend himself. [pretends to think] What's that movie everybody was trying to rip off at that point in time? Oh, Home Alone! And I just so happen to have the Home Alone rip off checklist right here. Let's get markin'. Impractical traps filled by unimaginably stupid villains? Check. Gratuitous shot to the crotch resulting in cartoony sound effect? Check. Unfunny dialogue hoping to be turned into an obnoxious catchphrase?

Preston:
That musta hurt.

Nostalgia Critic:
Check! Oh, will the hi-larious moments ever stop... ripping off other hi-larious moments?

Nostalgia Critic:
Ah gee, this story seems way too simple. Isn't there some way we can make it needlessly complicated? Well, it turns out that attractive banker is not a banker at all; she's an FBI agent trying to find the money that Quigley stole before. That seems totally unneeded and implausible. Way to shitty it up, movie. I almost enjoyed a few seconds there.

Malcolm:
Hey Critic. What are you looking at?

Nostalgia Critic:
My next movie review called Bloodrayne.

Tamara:
Pretty bad, I take it?

Nostalgia Critic:
It's an Uwe Boll movie.

Malcolm:
Uwe Boll? Aren't his films so bad they cause people to bash their heads in with a sledgehammer?

Nostalgia Critic:
Uh huh.

Tamara:
After jumping out of a plane?

Nostalgia Critic:
Yup.

Malcolm:
After blowing up an airport?

Nostalgia Critic:
That's right.

Tamara:
After crashing a car filled with explosives doused in gasoline while shooting a semi-automatic while going into oncoming traffic while singing "I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy?"

Nostalgia Critic:
Twice.

[During the opening credits of "Bloodrayne", it says "Special appearance by Billy Zane"]

Linkara:
Wonder if the word "special" is code for blackmail?

Nostalgia Critic:
I'd just assume most of Billy Zane's career is blackmail.

Linkara:
If you thought Twilight was the worst disservice to vampires the world has ever known... it is, but this one's pretty bad, too.

Nostalgia Critic:
Uwe Boll, the most faithful movie adaptor of video games since the directing team behind Super Mario Bros, returns with what many consider his crowning achievement of sh*t: Bloodrayne.

The Spoony One:
The movie, based on the classic videogame - And by based, I mean more gangbanged and mutilated than a Game of Thrones character - once again demonstrates Boll's talent, if you can call it that, for cutting more corners than a paper snowflake.

Linkara:
We have something we need to address first. The elephant in the room, which of course, is him! [points at Spoony]

The Spoony One:
Wh-What did I do?

Linkara:
Oh, you know exactly what you did! It happened a few years ago! The drama that was caused! Everything that happened on Twitter, on Facebook, on everything like that! The betrayal of everything that we stand for! Roll the clip! [the clip in question is of the Alone in the Dark review. The camera zooms in on Spoony's shirt which says Castleton] You never went to Castleton!

The Spoony One:
I dropped out, okay?

Nostalgia Critic:
This is Bloodrayne.

Fortune Teller:
Kagan's not a man, he's a vampire, and you are his creation.

Rayne As Played By Kristanna Loken):
He killed my mother.

Fortune Teller:
Dhampirs are rarely a product of a happy union between a vampire and a human?

Rayne As Played By Kristanna Loken):
You lie.

Nostalgia Critic:
So you mean your vampire father killing your mother was a happy union?

Linkara:
Boy, somebody's in denial.

Nostalgia Critic:
So we begin this classic American story about a classic American hero in the classic American heartland of... Italy.

Nostalgia Critic:
What, did Mario Puzo write this? Come on, where's the action?

President:
Are you kidding? I'm not bailing out on Captain America.

Nostalgia Critic:
Good, you can probably kick more ass than he can.

Nostalgia Critic:
So they break into the house, shoot Kris Kristofferson and kill dear ol' Bernie.

Nostalgia Critic:
[the subtitle "ROME" appears over a screen shot of Rome] Meanwhile, Red Skull dis... oh f*** you, movie!

Nostalgia Critic:
Um, wow, Captain America kinda sucks.

Nostalgia Critic:
Boy, our armed forces really kinda suck, don't they? They create a neon action hero who can't fight, and let the ruler of the free nation get abducted without a cut scene. These guys couldn't defeat Cobra.

Nostalgia Critic:
[after Steve gets mowed down by a motorcycle] Duh, oh yeah, for some reason I thought I was a super hero or something.

Nostalgia Critic:
This looks like a job for flamboyance!

Nostalgia Critic:
This is crap, plain and simple. It's a wimpy super hero, it's a boring story, and the production value looks like it was more out of the '70s than it was in the '90s.

Nostalgia Critic:
Look at the highlights on the back of the box. It's Captain America getting beaten up by Red Skull and getting strapped to the bomb. These are the heroic highlights, kids. Oh, I also like this where it says "Captain America is a high-flying adventure for children of all ages" as long as you're over the age of 13.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Captain America's saucer knocks down a guard tower] What, did they invade F-Troop?

Nostalgia Critic:
Say, wasn't there a Captain America in this movie?

Nostalgia Critic:
The president is quick to act as he sends... one pudgy middle-aged journalist to handle the situation. Am I in the circus?

Nostalgia Critic:
So Captain America escapes the evil super models on dirt bikes because he heroically cowers into a pick-up truck being driven by Ned Beatty. I honestly could not make this up if I tried.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Steve Rogers] I don't care if you look like a female Jon Voight. It just turns me on more.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Steve as he rides a bike off a cliff] God, I suck!

Nostalgia Critic:
[after immediately seeing Captain America in his outfit; starts laughing] Wait, no, no, you can't do that, movie. You can't just toss him into that outfit. I mean, have ya seen it? There's car wash clowns that look more dignified than that.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating the president as a child] I wanna invade countries at will, get a B.J. in the Oval Office, and not be able to pass a questionable health care bill. President.

Sam:
This Red Skull guy was closely involved in the murders of Robert Kennedy, John Kennedy, Martin Luther King...

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop. You're seriously going to bring up the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. in a movie that has this thing in it? [cut to a cheesy monster effect] Why do I get the feeling that's not gonna mesh?

Steve:
Would you pull the car over, please? I think I'm going to be sick.

Nostalgia Critic:
So Captain America pretends to be car sick and, I'm not kidding here, steals the car away! This guy's an a**hole! When he's not getting his useless butt kicked, he's either hiding under something or running away. Talk about Captain Douchebag.

Nostalgia Critic:
[the subtitle "Alaska" appears over the Alaskan tundra] Yeah, I know, because it changed so much over the decades. Will ya lay off the descriptions?

Nostalgia Critic:
So the rocket somehow lands in Alaska, without exploding, and leaves Captain America in the snow. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Our hero. Just when you're hoping he'll disappear from the movie altogether, he sorta does. Literally decades go by without any mention of the guy. I guess the movie decided to just give up on him.

Nostalgia Critic:
So we get all the way to the '90s where that Tom Kimball grows up and actually does become president of the United States. A white guy as president? Who's gonna believe that in this day and age?

Steve:
Speak English? [woman shakes her head] I was wondering...

Nostalgia Critic:
[scoffs] I like that. Do you speak English? No? Well then I'll just keep speaking it.

Nostalgia Critic:
The daughter somehow manages to follow the car on foot and proceeds to help him out with her Italian, which makes the previous scene... entirely pointless.

Nostalgia Critic:
So he confronts Red Skull as we get some flips, kicks, punches, the president tosses him his multi-colored pizza pan as he escapes to the roof.

Nostalgia Critic:
So Red Skull goes to arm another bomb, which is in a piano... whatever, as Captain America does what he's best at: hiding like a p*ssy.

Captain America:
Heads up. [Cap's shield returns, decapitating Red Skull's assistant off-screen]

Nostalgia Critic:
I just decapitated a hot chick. I AM the great American hero.

Nostalgia Critic:
[the credits roll during an epilogue speech] Okay, if you start rolling the credits over the dialogue, we kinda figure it's not important. Most important plot points happen BEFORE the movie is over.

Col. Lewis:
Besides, you got that crazy, fire-proof uniform Dr. Vaselli made up for you.

Captain America:
She didn't know much about camouflage.

Col. Lewis:
But she sure did love the red, white and blue.

Nostalgia Critic:
She thought dressing you up like a human bulls-eye would do much better at throwing the enemy off.

[repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
[after shooting Mother Brain with a gun] I'm awesome.

Announcer:
[the words "end of series" appears] Captain N: The Game Master.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Simon Belmont while showing clips of him on this show] Oh, Simon. What have they done to you? They took this cool badass of a superhero and turned him into a foppy, egotistical gay-wad! It's like if Bruce Campbell's chin never stopped growing. I mean, where did they even get the idea to gay him up so much? I mean, the original hero has long hair, wears leather, carries a whip, jumps around in a skirt... I think I just answered my own question.

Nostalgia Critic:
I love whores. I love everything about them. How willing they are to sell their souls for money, and how cheerful they can be in the process. Oh, I'm not talking about the people who sell their bodies. No, no, no. I'm talking about media whores. The people who create stories and ideas solely for the purpose of selling their products. In the late '80s, and especially the early '90s, there was no bigger brothel for media whores than Nintendo. Now, before you go nuts, I LOVE Nintendo. Who doesn't? It's like the greatest video game company in the world. But that doesn't mean they didn't sell out time after time when it came to their spin-off products, mostly in television and movie development. Time after time, Nintendo has put out horribly written and horribly executed shows and films that had no interest in actually entertaining the viewer, but rather just selling more Nintendo games and accessories.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about how Mother Brain sounds like Audrey II] So THIS is what would happen if you crossed Joan Rivers with Tina Turner.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Princess Lana] Like a lot of these shows, I got to ask again: Why the hell isn't she a queen? I mean, I know younger girls associate princesses with youth and beauty, but come on! If there's no one else there to rule, you're a goddamn queen! But just like a lot of other shows I've reviewed, they get to keep their cute little title because the king is still technically alive, but just not around. [the Critic creates a Random Plot Generator]

Nostalgia Critic:
[talking like Lana] I'm still a princess because my father's...

Random Plot Generator:
Lost. Dead. Drunk. Darth Vader. Insane. Stuck.

Nostalgia Critic:
[talking like Lana]... stuck... Yeah, that's it... in a...

Random Plot Generator:
Time warp. Black hole. Castle. Elevator. Parallel dimension.

Nostalgia Critic:
[talking like Lana]... parallel dimension... Ooh, that's rich... where he has no royal authority.

Random Plot Generator:
He just eats combos and farts.

Nostalgia Critic:
[talking like Lana] So I don't have to make any hard choices or take any responsibility...

Random Plot Generator:
Just bumming it.

Nostalgia Critic:
[talking like Lana]... because he's still technically king, and I just have to smile and wear pretty dresses.

Random Plot Generator:
Go me!

Nostalgia Critic:
[talking like Lana] Politics is FUN!

Nostalgia Critic:
[holds gun at the ready] Ruler. Ha! [turns to the right, expecting the ruler when it hits him from behind instead] I really hate this episode.

Casper:
[responding to a character in the movie] Hey, her screaming turned into the Nostalgia Critic! [pause] [Nostalgia Critic tries to attack Casper, Casper just taunts him] SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT!

[repeated line]

Casper:
Timing!

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Ophelia] So she shows all the photoshopped pictures of history she says that she's been given a gift that's been passed on through the ages, and that she has tried to prove this theory as a professor in the past, but nobody has ever believed her. Why?

Ophelia:
Male academia.

Nostalgia Critic:
...I'm sorry, what was the reasoning again?

Ophelia:
Male academia.

Nostalgia Critic:
...Okay. Look, lady. Um, I'm not gonna act like there isn't some double standard bullshit going on in the world. Uh, women getting paid less than men, that's bullshit. Uh, men sleeping around with women being called a player, but a woman sleeps around with men, she's called a slut, that's bullshit. But when you go around with your "theories" that there are in fact "Catwomen" who exist today and have existed years in the past because the spirits of the Egyptian gods are in these little tiny felines going around who breathe on dead women, bringing them back to life, a sort of "Catwoman zombie", if you will, who now exist and fight crime even to this day... why do you think nobody believed you again?

Ophelia:
Male academia.

Nostalgia Critic:
[makes buzzer sound] Wrong! It's because you're f***ing crazy! Male academia? Suck my sexist, women-bashing, chauvinistic, stripper-watching, porn-loving, overly-paid dick!

[shows Patience in her Catwoman outfit]

Nostalgia Critic:
If this movie's all "women are power," how come in the next scene she's dressed like a poster a 13-year old boy would hang over his bed and jerk off to?

[a meeting of Catwomen Anonymous is in session, with the various actresses who had played Catwoman in the past in attendance]

Group Counselor:
Okay, I think we've made some progress today. I think that Miss Hathaway, talking about the benefits of winning her Oscar, shows us all how we can move on from not starring in our own Catwoman movie.

Michelle Pfeiffer:
Oh, please.

Group Counselor:
Miss Pfeiffer disagrees?

Michelle Pfeiffer:
Yes, Miss Pfeiffer disagrees. They talked about making a Catwoman movie for years, and I was supposed to play the part. But they waited too long and the fanbase died down, resulting in that abomination with Halle Berry.

Anne Hathaway:
Shh, shh, shh. You know we never mention She Who Must Not Be Mentioned.

Michelle Pfeiffer:
But aren't you technically mentioning her?

Sean Young:
It doesn't matter. Pfeiffer's role should have been my role to begin with!

Group Counselor:
Yes, Sean Young. We all remember how you ambushed Tim Burton dressed as Catwoman in order to force him to put you in the role. [looks into the camera] That's not comedic writing. She really did that, folks.

Sean Young:
Doesn't matter! Berry stole the role from all of us and she ruined it!

Michelle Pfeiffer:
Yes, it was the first time that Catwoman had been given the leading role, and she botched it up forever.

Anne Hathaway:
Yes, and she has never paid for her actions.

Group Counselor:
Now, now, ladies, let's stay focused, okay?

[the Catwomen Anonymous meeting continues, in which the Catwomen blame Halle Berry for ruining Catwoman forever]

Group Counselor:
Eartha Kitt, I believe last week you were discussing how you felt like a Catman trapped in a Catwoman's body.

Eartha Kitt:
No! I agree with them! We should keep our focus on the p*ssy b*tch who stole all our chances to shine! If it wasn't for her, one of us could be the definitive Catwoman!

Sean Young:
...Aren't you dead?

Michelle Pfeiffer:
Kittkat is right! It's time for retaliation. We can't just sit here all day and listen to this halfwit psychic analysis.

Group Counselor:
Psycho.

Michelle Pfeiffer:
What did you call me?

Anne Hathaway:
The counselor's name-calling! This group is falling apart!

Sean Young:
We need to take action!

Anne Hathaway:
We will get a leading role!

Eartha Kitt:
Purring Rs, unite!

[the Catwomen raise their claws at the counselor and purr loudly at him]

Group Counselor:
Ladies, ladies! This is getting out of hand. Now the Catwoman movie is so despised that no one would ever write that character in a leading role. Okay? I doubt you could even get the lead in a Catwoman review.

Eartha Kitt:
The what?

Group Counselor:
The Catwoman review. The one coming out this week.

Michelle Pfeiffer:
By who?

[the group closes in on the counselor as the camera cuts to the Nostalgia Critic title sequence]

Nostalgia Critic:
This film not only tops a lot of "worst comic book films of all time" lists, but it also tops a lot of "worst films of all time, period" lists. And you can definitely see why: It is a special kind of "bad". The kind of bad that the main characters from "The Producers" would put together as an intentional flop to cash in on some sort of money scheme. Yeah... that bad!

[the Critic is completely weirded out by Patience's cat-like behavior]

Nostalgia Critic:
Movie, come on! This is a third grader's idea of what Catwoman should be, not paid writers and directors. No, I take it back. Third graders read comics, so even they would have a better understanding of what makes a better Catwoman than you! Julie Newmar would be telling you to calm down. Crazy cat ladies would be calling you crazy cat lady. Is this really, like, your best foot forward? Years and years of rewrites and fine tuning and this is honestly what you've come up with? We haven't even gotten into the dumbass costume yet and already I'm embarrassed for you! I'm embarrassed to look at you! It's like that kid that joins the football team even though he's like that big and you show your support anyway, but that turns out you shouldn't have because he's in the hospital with five fractured ribs and he's like, "Why'd you support me? Why'd you show your support?" and it's like I don't know. I saw a movie where a woman sniffed catnip and it f***ed me up! I mean really? Who would take being a Catwoman this ridiculously serious?

Nostalgia Critic:
We see Catwoman goes inside a club in thinking she can find the answers of who tried to kill her.

Bartender:
What can I do for you?

Catwoman:
White Russian. No ice, hold the vodka, hold the Kahlua. [translation: just plain milk and cream]

Nostalgia Critic:
...I'M A CAT!

[the Catwomen have tied the counselor to a chair, placed in front of a closed door with a tiger behind it, and then left to deal with the Nostalgia Critic]

Narrator:
How will the counselor get out of this one? Will he be the main course for our ferocious feline? [the counselor simply unties his ropes and gets up from his chair] Will he be ripped to shreds and left for tiger chow? Will his body be gnawed at until the gnawer can gnaw no more? Will he be next week's kitty litter? [the counselor casually leaves the office, goes to his car and drives off] Will tiger digestion be his new iPod playlist? Will he have to spend the rest of his life as a kitty kebab? Can the counselor stand being part of a gr-r-r-r-reat balanced breakfast? [cut to the counselor eating a burger at a fast food spot] Is there any escape from his delicious decadent doom? Tune in tomorrow! Same Bat-Time! Same Bat... Site!

Sean Young:
[riding a giant earthworm] I am the Kwisatz Haderach Give-A-Dog-A-Bone!

Nostalgia Critic:
We open with our main character deceased, obviously trying to symbolize the movie's ability of being dead on arrival.

Nostalgia Critic:
[seeing Patience's Catwoman costume close up] Look at that thing. It looks even dumber close up, doesn't it? I can't tell you how it looks on her far away, 'cause I never see it on her far away. Instead, they place it on her CGI puppet which makes me keep checking the TV to make sure I haven't put on a rerun of f***ing "ReBoot"! Someone needs to show these idiots how Catwoman is really done!

[the phone rings and the Critic answers it]

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello?

Michelle Pfeiffer:
[on the phone] Hello, Critic. We're just giving you a fair warning that you better watch your back and keep an eye out around every corner, because a fearsome band of sharp-toothed panthers are on the prowl. [Michelle hangs up and the Critic puts the phone]

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, guess I'm not gonna throw caution to the wind here.

Michelle Pfeiffer:
Catwomen unite! [the Catwomen all hiss] We will find this Nostalgia Critic, and force him to have us star in his review.

Group Counselor:
[the Catwomen have tied him to a chair] You know, ladies, I really don't think this is helpful to that healing process.

Michelle Pfeiffer:
Oh, but we have such plans for you.

Sean Young:
Yes. In a few moments, once we conveniently leave... [gestures toward a closed door, behind which a growling sound is heard]... that door will open to reveal a ferocious killer tiger.

Anne Hathaway:
Ripping you limb from limb, leaving only counselor bones.

Eartha Kitt:
Thus concluding our death trap that ties into our villainous identities.

Michelle Pfeiffer:
Come, ladies, we have a Critic to visit! [the Catwomen all leave]

[the movie had opened with Patience having died]

Nostalgia Critic:
But we'll of course get back to that later as we see the EVIL corporation our main character works for: make-up! But they're trying to hide that better as the husband and wife owners of the company, the wife played by Sharon Stone, are stepping down from being its spokespeople because... they just f***ing look evil!

[this is in reaction to the "payoff" of the contrast that was building between Patience's old, meek self, and her new, confident Catwoman self]

Nostalgia Critic:
YEAH! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE!

Nostalgia Critic:
So the film starts with the birth of our main character and [sees baby with large, orange hair] Oh God. You really want me to walk out early in this movie, don't you?

Bradford:
Your ignorance is no longer charming.

Nostalgia Critic:
His ignorance was never charming!

Nostalgia Critic:
So Edison goes through a bunch of throw-away jokes to try and find a job. He even tries out for Annie. Wow. That joke fails before it's even set up.

Nostalgia Critic:
So Edison finally comes across his most brilliant invention: a TV dinner that actually is a TV as well.

Edison:
Hi, I'm Chef Edison and when I'm away from home, I still like to catch some of my favorite TV shows. That's why I always bring one of my Chef Edison TV dinners wherever I go. With flavors like, 'Uh, Beavis and Broccoli', N.Y.P.D. Blueberry pie, and M*A*S*H potatoes, there's no reason to be a couch potato at home.

Nostalgia Critic:
[stares] Ya know, I think I'm going to start on the apology from the filmmakers. [writes] 'Dear film viewers, we are extremely sorry for the film we have given you. We should have known better and will remember next time to treat you like you have a brain. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry... sorry.'

McMillan:
I leave my entire stockholdings, 40% of McMillan Industries to my new friend, Edison.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well unfortunately he didn't say Edison's last name, so legally this wouldn't fly. But in the magical world of Bullshit Land, he becomes the new chairman of the board.

[repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello, Raquel Welch. Goodbye, Raquel Welch.

Nostalgia Critic:
[as Carrot Top and Courtney Thorne-Smith kiss] Eww! You gave up Melrose Place for THAT?

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Carrot Top] He's like Yahoo Serious if he were sh*t out by a donkey.

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait a minute. Edison. Like Thomas Edison, the great inventor. I just got it! [laughs hysterically]

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh for the love of butter, these jokes are too predictable! I mean, you can just replace the dialogue with: dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, *penis*! [in deep voice] JUST MOVE FORWARD!

Nostalgia Critic:
So if you haven't guessed, this movie is based around unfunny cartoon humor. Don't believe me? Here's an unfunny cartoon. This whole opening looks like that Mathmatics game you played in the first grade. You know, the one that tried to entertain you, but by the end you just wanted to eat the f***ing screen?

Edison:
[to McMillan] You surf?

Nostalgia Critic:
Of course he surfs. He didn't just bring his stunt double for nothing, did he?

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, I think I can see where Tom Green got his inspiration.

Nostalgia Critic:
He makes an ass of himself. Next!

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes, we get it. He sucks at tennis. Please move forward!

Nostalgia Critic:
So of course he hits her up for a date as they go to a history museum, to eat lunch as a Native American and a cowboy. What makes you think I don't?

Detective Norris:
Look, Mrs. Barclay, I sympathize with you...

Nostalgia Critic:
No, really. I do. I have a My Little Pony that slaughtered my family.

Phelous:
I have a miniature Pikachu who ate my children.

Nostalgia Critic:
I have an army of Legos that crucified my hamster.

Phelous:
I have a Ninja Turtle with a drinking problem.

Nostalgia Critic:
What we're trying to say is: you're crazy.

Chucky:
I have a date with a six-year-old boy.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Critic and Phelous stare awkwardly] Next joke.

Phelous:
Yeah, next joke.

Phelous:
Yeah, it was pretty tough to sit through, but on the bright side, I didn't die in this episo...

[a gunshot is heard and Phelous falls to the side, dying]

Nostalgia Critic:
Sorry, I died like four times in this episode. I figured you deserved one. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remem...

[Phelous starts to speak an indecipherable language as he gets up briefly, summoning lightning before he dies. Nostalgia Critic stares at Phelous' body]

Pencil Sharpener Phelous:
Critic! I'm a pencil sharpener!

Nostalgia Critic:
Really? Y-You transferred your soul into a pencil sharpener?

Pencil Sharpener Phelous:
Yeah, my mind went blank, and all I could think of was pencil sharpener.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, how's that working out for you?

Pencil Sharpener Phelous:
Not well, Critic! I'm a pencil sharpener!

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, I'm sure you can still get a lot of good vengeance with that.

Pencil Sharpener Phelous:
Oh, I can, Critic. I can.

Nostalgia Critic:
I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

Pencil Sharpener Phelous:
You better watch your fingers around me, Critic. Because next time you sharpen a pencil, you could get a little cut. Pencil sharpener! Ha-ha-ha! And, um... uh... next time you sharpen a pencil, I'll take too much off it! Your pencil won't be the way you wanted it! Oh, I'll get you with that! And also, when you're sleeping, I'll slit your throat, 'cause I've got a blade on here. Actually, it's probably not sharp enough for that. I'll just stick with annoying you with dull pencils or... sharpen too much pencils. You can't avoid me forever, Critic. You're gonna need to come to your pencil sharpener when it's time to write your next script on the computer-Oh, damn it. Hey, uh, C-Critic? C-Can you stick your face in me just for a second? I-I just want to show you something. There's something really, uh, c-cool in here-I'M GONNA GET YOU! Aww, you're not really doing it. You can't fit your face in here, okay. Never mind.

Nostalgia Critic:
[looking annoyed] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to. Especially when you shouldn't have to. By God, is today's movie bad! It is one of the worst Christmas flicks you could possibly see! It's a wonderful little piece-of-sh*t bomb called "Christmas with the Kranks"! [shows clips of the movie] This is based on the John Grisham novel. [displays a cover of the book "The Firm" by John Grisham] Yes, that John Grisham. He was so good at making white people afraid of the justice system that I guess he decided to make white people afraid of Christmas, too. He succeeded, but in a way he probably didn't intend. It's mind-blowing how little this movie tries, how tired the writing is, how it doesn't attempt in any way to give us anything new! The jokes are years old, the acting is like something out of the '50s, its message is beyond half-assed and lazy, it's just friggin' horrendous!

Nostalgia Critic:
Good old Arnold. You're no stranger to my reviews, are you? How can anyone not like this guy? He's a commercial puppet, yet a personal icon. He beats the crap out of people, but has a heart of gold. He's a horrible actor, but by God he's trying. We all love you, Arnold, no matter how good or how bad your movies are. So I tried to figure out which movie did its best to both glorify and exploit everything Arnold has to offer - "Commando"!

Nostalgia Critic:
Everything that is wonderful about Arnold and terrible about Arnold is in this movie. Every over-the-top '80s action clich? makes its way into this flick. It's unbelievable! We got one-liners, we got explosions, we got the bad guys in suits, we got kidnapped children and, of course...

[Imitates Arnold]

Nostalgia Critic:
WE GOT AHNOLD!

[Back to his normal voice]

Nostalgia Critic:
It's so over-the-top that it's almost like a satire of Schwarzenegger films. It's just fantastic! So put on your black striped makeup that doesn't seem to camouflage anything. This is "Commando."

Nostalgia Critic:
[as the movie begins] So it starts off with a garbage truck. Don't all great movies?

Nostalgia Critic:
[after the boat explodes] Oh, come on, guy, you could've had three for three, there! How about something like, uh, "Death ahoy!" or "Happy sails!"? You're not the henchman I remember.

Nostalgia Critic:
So as the credits roll, we find out that Arnold's name is John Matrix.

Neo (from 'The Matrix'):
Whoa.

Nostalgia Critic:
Conan the Cummer!... Ew!

Nostalgia Critic:
[Conan is reading a scroll] [Imitating Conan] Hmm. How to speak with an Austrian accent, this scroll is very informative.

Nostalgia Critic:
The movie, oddly enough, starts with a Friedrich Nietzsche quote.

['That which does not kill us, makes us stronger' appears on screen]

Nostalgia Critic:
I'll be sure to tell myself that as I watch the movie.

Nostalgia Critic:
Conan the Destroyer!

Nostalgia Critic:
[music plays as title appears]

Nostalgia Critic:
It sucks balls! Let's watch!

Nostalgia Critic:
Speaking of which. How come Gods always want virgins ? Wouldn't sluts be more accepted ? They put out more and they just have a better understanding of the human body. Is pledgeable logical.

[first lines]

Nostalgia Critic:
If you're like me, you're excited that we get to review commercials again! Oh, the nostalgia. Oh, the memories. Oh, the mass marketing manipulation. You can't wait for 'em; neither can I! Seeing how we called the other episodes, "After These Messages", "We'll Be Right Back", "Exclamation Point", "The Fourth One", and "The Quickening", this one I'm entitling... "Ehenzeeahneh". Let's just get to it! COMMERCIALS!

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Tiger Talkboy] Ah, the only good thing to come out of "Home Alone 2", aside from an even gayer Tim Curry.

Nostalgia Critic:
McDonald's is one of the kings of children's marketing, using a clown who's a surprisingly slower killer than Pennywise.

[the title sequence of the show begins, but the Critic cuts in]

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know the opener. Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, you know the rest.

Nostalgia Critic:
Let's travel all the way to Japan for one of the greatest ads of all time! It's for the Sega Saturn. And to emphasize how intense it was, they created Segata Sanshiro! The most aggressive spokesperson EVER! It didn't matter what you were doing. If you're off to play baseball, he beat the sh*t out of you, and say "Play Saturn!" instead! Going out dancing tonight? F*** that noise, you're playing Saturn now! [Segata appears in an ad, dressed as Santa] Hey look, it's Santa! Oh, sh*t, it's Segata! Better start playing Sega, goddammit!

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: TV spot for "A Troll In Central Park"] Oh, god. You ever look at an ad for a movie and say, "Sh*t. I'm gonna have to look at this for a few months"?

Announcer:
Now, Don Bluth, the director of "An American Tail"...

Nostalgia Critic:
The director who gave us some of the greatest animated movies of all time says, "You know what? Maybe Barney was on to something."

Announcer:
"A Troll In Central Park". Now, you, too, can enjoy the wonder and enchantment of a friendship that grows and blossoms.

Nostalgia Critic:
[frustrated as he sees clips of Stanley the troll] God. I'm just waiting for Dirk the Daring to slice his head off, or the T-Rex from "Land Before Time" to devour him, or the owl from "Secret of NIMH" to peck his little face out! [a caption of what he says next covers the screen:] DON BLUTH UP THIS DON BLUTH FILM!

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Super NES Super Scope] Ah, yes, the Super Scope! The R.O.B. the Robot of the Super Nintendo. Okay, so you're a Nintendo kid, and you have a ton of fun blasting things with your blaster. What do you want that's even more advanced than that? Well gee, how about a shotgun or a machine gun or... a bazooka? Okay, in hindsight, it does sound kind of cool. I mean, bazookas make big explosions, and we're all sick f***s, so we'd like that. But with those other guns, you could be mobile. You can move around, you can pretend to be an action hero. Who pretends to have a bazooka? What little kids is like... [talking like one kid] "Hey, you want to go play cops and robbers?" [talking like another kid] "Nah, I'd much rather play gigantic piece of plastic on my arm, making it immediately sore, and sitting still, looking through a little eyepiece." "I'm going to hear about you on the news, aren't I?" "Yes, you are."

Nostalgia Critic:
[a female sous chef is working in a kitchen during a PSA from "Prevent-It.ca"] Here's a little PSA from... Canada? Nuh-uh! Nope! I've learned my lesson! Canada is f***ed up! They may all look cute and innocent, but then they're sneaking in rape whistles, and putting d*cks in your mouth, and God knows what else! Well, I'm not falling for it this time!

Female sous chef:
I'm a sous chef here. With any luck, I should be head chef by next year.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, well, that... sounds kinda nice.

Female sous chef:
[has a ring on her finger] I've got an amazing fiancee.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, well, that sounds sweet. A nice couple finally found love.

Female sous chef:
But I won't be marrying this weekend.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh? What, did you have to change the date or something? God, that's always so hard when that happens...

Female sous chef:
Because I'm about to be in a terrible accident.

Nostalgia Critic:
[suddenly looks concerned] Eh?

Female sous chef:
[picking up a boiling pot] But really, I should've cleaned up the grease over there, and they should never put the deep fryer so close... [suddenly, she slips on some grease on the floor, causing her to fall to the ground and the water in the boiling pot to fall on her face, painfully scarring her face. The woman screams in pain as another chef comes in to try and help her, while the Critic is totally freaked out by what he just saw]

Nostalgia Critic:
OHH! OHH, GOD! OHH, GOD! [he becomes quite furious] CANADA, YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU? SHE WAS GONNA BE MARRIED, AND THEN YOU F***ED UP WITH HER FACE! YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! [the PSA's message is displayed: "There really are no accidents"] No, no, no, no, no! I don't care what you're advertising, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! I AM NEVER VISITING YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SCARY! YOU'RE A SCARY PLACE, CANADA! PUT IT ON YOUR FLAG! [the Canadian flag is shown, along with the message: "We're scary"] YOU'RE SCARY! WE'RE KEEPING MICHAEL J. FOX, YOU KEEP WHATEVER THE HELL WE GAVE YOU!... Which is probably nothing... 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! [the accident is shown one more time, freaking out the Critic even further; he quickly changes the channel]

Nostalgia Critic:
[a boy is playing Dragon's Lair in a dark, foggy room at Showbiz Pizza] Hey, kids! Remember when Chuck E. Cheese made Showbiz Pizza disappear? Under... mysterious circumstances...? Well, this is how they used to advertise on TV.

Announcer:
The most advanced video game you can play is awaiting your discovery at Showbiz Pizza Place.

Nostalgia Critic:
Actually, maybe the reason they ran out of business is because they put fog machines on top of their games for some reason.

[briefly doused with fog, causing him to cough]

Nostalgia Critic:
Come on! I can't see the Princess' cleavage!

[coughs some more]

Nostalgia Critic:
It also doesn't help that each game was given one giant dark room to itself. About as cost-effective as Willy Wonka shrinking his giant chocolate bars. But who gives a sh*t? He's playing Dragon's Lair, the most gorgeous robbery of your money ever. We lost so many quarters to this thing 'cause we had to keep reminding ourselves we weren't watching a movie.

[dreamily]

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, I hope Dirk's reunited with his Russian mouse family...

[suddenly, in the game Dirk gets attacked, startling the Critic, who resumes playing the game]

Nostalgia Critic:
I mean, dammit! I'm playing a game!

Linda Parker:
Ayds help me lose the weight and has nothing in it that could make me nervous.

Nostalgia Critic:
I think a lot of people would disagree with you on that.

Nostalgia Critic:
[criticizing Don Bluth's film "A Troll In Central Park"] I know what you're thinking, "Aren't I being a little too hard on an animation legend?" Well, if he has a problem with it, he can tell me himself! [the TV channel then changes to show Don Bluth himself, staring silently at the Critic, who is surprised beyond belief] Don Bluth? [Bluth remains silent while the Critic becomes overjoyed] Oh, my God! I AM THE BIGGEST FAN EVER! Oh my God! Don Bluth's looking at me right now! "Secret of NIMH" is one of my favorite all-time movies! Holy sh*t! "American Tail", where he's just like, "I'll never find my parents!" Mother right there! Look to the f***ing left! "Land Before Time", oh my God! Before George Lucas was a swear word, that was, like, the most unbelievable thing! You're like, "I want a kick-ass movie about dinosaurs!" YOU ARE AMAZING! And what are you doing right now?

Don Bluth:
Just waiting. I want to see what you're gonna do.

Nostalgia Critic:
What? [Bluth resumes being silent and looking at the Critic] Oh, I see. Because I made fun of some of your work in the past, you're giving me the silent treatment, huh? Okay, all right. I'm not gonna be intimidated by a film giant like you. You gonna give me the silent treatment? I'm gonna give you the exact same thing back. [the Critic and Bluth stare silently at each other briefly, but then the Critic becomes nervous] Knock, knock. [Bluth remains silent] Oh, come on, it's the law. You have to say "Who's there?" [Bluth remains silent] Knock, knock. Who's there? Yugo. Yugo who? Yugo BYE-BYE! [changes the channel]

Nostalgia Critic:
Vanilla Ice, the first rapper to make Zack Morris look threatening, was at the top of his game in the late '80s and early '90s, so Hollywood couldn't help but try and cash in on his 15 minutes of shame by making him the star of his own motion picture "Cool as Ice." So let's see how this melting pit of ass begins.

[Vanilla Ice makes his appearance]

Nostalgia Critic:
There's his whiteness. Why does he have a Post-It on the side of his head?

[Commenting on Ice's dancing style]

Nostalgia Critic:
It's the latest dance move, the Raggedy Ann Seizure.

[the credit 'Special Appearance by Naomi Campbell' is shown]

Nostalgia Critic:
'Special Appearance.' Is that business talk for "You kidnapped her"?

Nostalgia Critic:
[Commenting on Johnny's hairstyle] Look at his hair. It looks like a level from "Super Mario Brothers."

[a woman writes her name and number on a piece of paper before bending down below camera where Johnny is standing, arms raised]

Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, now!

[the woman gets back up]

Nostalgia Critic:
[vo] Oh.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Does the watching motion with his hand] I'm watching you, PG movie.

Nostalgia Critic:
[VO as Johnny] Aw, man, we're in the desert. I'd better be careful or else I'm gonna melt. 'Cause I'm ICE!

Nostalgia Critic:
[vo] Over there, man! There's a real good spot to rip off 'Top Gun'!

[after Johnny has scared a horse and caused the woman riding it to fall off]

Nostalgia Critic:
Wow. What an Ice-hole.

[Citizens in a neighborhood including two boy scouts, an old man and a man riding his lawnmower stare in wonder as the camera pans past them]

Nostalgia Critic:
[speaks like a snotty British person and is having tea] By jove! Who allowed those raving rapscallions into our neighborhood? [laughs and takes a sip of his tea]

Johnny (Vanilla Ice):
Y'all can fix these?

Nostalgia Critic:
The spatula on my head approves of this situation.

[Commenting on an abstract house; so abstract, that it has giant salt and pepper shakers, text covering the entire wall, and mandolin-shaped chairs]

Nostalgia Critic:
[vo] OK, what is up with this place? That old couple lives here? It's like if Flavor Flav redesigned Pee-Wee's Playhouse!

[a posse member makes a sandwich with green peppers, sardines, a pineapple slice and mustard before biting into it]

Nostalgia Critic:
[vo] Oh, that's nice. You're making Weird Al's food look like gourmet cooking.

George (Weird Al Yankovic):
[In a clip from the movie 'UHF'] A Twinkie wiener sandwich!

Nostalgia Critic:
Put a search out for Shire Baggins!

Nostalgia Critic:
I mean, what's next? A hostage negotiation handled by a three-year-old girl? [pause] Oh, I don't have a bit, I'm just asking.

Nostalgia Critic:
Boy I wish I was running over that fruit cart right now.

Nostalgia Critic:
The movie's so desperate, they couldn't even afford a Culkin.

Nostalgia Critic:
Kid, you're not Penny Gadget. She had a computer book and an IQ of kazillion. You had a bit part on Sisters. I don't think that's gonna get you very far.

Nostalgia Critic:
Your tax dollars at their f***est, people.

Nostalgia Critic:
It's a pile of ass on a pile of balls with a pile of dick. What's that make? A pile load of ass-ball-dick.

Nostalgia Critic:
Did this movie invent the Twinkie-cam? That needs to be seen more.

McKenna:
Looks like drugs.

Nostalgia Critic:
It does? [the criminal dropped a belt with little plastic tubes on it] It looks like my old Mad Scientist chemistry set. Holy sh*t, Doctor, we were making drugs? [as Mad Scientist] Why do you think I'm so MANIC all the time?

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, Mr. Director, what do you have to say for yourself?

The Fonz:
'Eyyyyyy.

Nostalgia Critic:
'Eyyyyy f*** you.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hand over your badge, movie. You're suspended.

The Nostalgia Critic:
I'm the Nostalgia Critic.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I'm the f***ing Nerd.

The Nostalgia Critic:
I remember it so you don't have to.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And I... sh*t on your mom's face.

The Nostalgia Critic:
Is it me or do all the turtles have the exact same voice?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I think they just paid one a**hole to do the whole thing.

The Nostalgia Critic:
This is like Spinal Tap, only not funny.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
More like Spinal Crap.

The Nostalgia Critic:
Has anybody noticed that this is starting to sound like Christian rock music? Because, you know, that wasn't lame enough.

[as Michaelangelo]

The Nostalgia Critic:
And now I'd like to tell you about this other dude I know.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[as turtle] Who's that, Raph?

The Nostalgia Critic:
A totally gnarly dude named Jesus. He died for our sins, and that's awesome!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Jesus rocks, dude!

The Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, MC Hammer called. He's being out-sucked.

The Nostalgia Critic:
[as Donatello] Well, my work here is done. Time to get rip-roarin' drunk.

The Nostalgia Critic:
Good God those kids look bored. They're not even looking up. They're looking at the floor. They actually find the floor more engaging than the giant green reptiles. You have to suck PRETTY HARD for that to happen.

The Nostalgia Critic:
Oh my God!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the hell is that?

The Nostalgia Critic:
That's putrid.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That's heinously anus.

Splinter:
[on video] They are definitely happening... musically.

The Nostalgia Critic, The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the f*** does that mean?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Cowabunga.

The Nostalgia Critic, The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Cowa-buncha-dick-cheese.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Boy, do we have the biggest piece of sh*t f***ing,

The Nostalgia Critic:
Cock blowing,

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Horse raping,

The Nostalgia Critic:
Splooge drinking,

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Anal f***ing,

The Nostalgia Critic:
Monkey jerking,

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Dick knocking,

The Nostalgia Critic, The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Biggest piece of cow diarrhea we've ever seen. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Coming Out of Their Shells Tour.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
More like coming out of their ASS.

The Nostalgia Critic:
Believe it or not, there was actually time when the Ninja Turtles were so big that they actually had their own rock band put together. I am dead serious.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Dead f***ing serious. There's people dressed up in costumes, running around on stage, performing some of the worst songs you've ever heard in your f***ing life.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I'm not ashamed to admit, I had the cassette tape and I listened to it all the time. Well, yeah, I am ashamed. But I'm making up for it now, hopefully.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They're NOT real! Stop acting like they're f***ing real!

The Nostalgia Critic:
They don't even look like the real Ninja Turtles. They look like Ninja Frogs. You're listening to frogs! It's all a lie!

The Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating producer] We didn't care that they were hideous mutated creatures. We worked with Courtney Love for crying out loud.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about Splinter] Why the f*** does he look like roadkill? He looks like road that's been killed more than in Ninja Turtles III.

The Nostalgia Critic:
What does that mean?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It means road that's been killed... it... that... I don't know, it means I'm angry!

The Nostalgia Critic:
Oh wait, there is one scene where he hands a guy a power cord.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Cowabunga Corner?

The Nostalgia Critic:
Why certainly, it's right off Bodacious Boulevard.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
'The hell kind of city is this?

The Nostalgia Critic:
A f***ing weird one.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
None of the staging makes sense. There's a scene where this kid just skateboards across the stage. Why? Did he get lost or something? Maybe he made a wrong turn on Bodacious Boulevard. Who the hell is that kid? Little f***ing bastard. Where's the security when you need them? There's a kid skateboarding across the stage.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh my God, that is the WORST Shredder I've ever seen! What is he, Iron Chef Shredder?

The Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, where'd you get that costume from? Target or Wal-Mart?

The Nostalgia Critic:
And look, it's April! It has to be her, cause she's wearing yellow. You can give her any face or hairstyle you want, but as long as she's wearing yellow, their f***ing little brains will buy it.

The Nostalgia Critic:
At the height of this musical ass-fisting came a video showing us a behind the scenes look at the band's creative ability, simply known as The Making of The Coming Out of Their Shells Tour. Look at the size of Mikey's head, he looks like a child molesting alien.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And it wouldn't be so bad if they just showed how they put the costumes together and how the mechanics work, but no, they stay in character the whole f***ing time.

The Nostalgia Critic:
This is pretty much the worst thing to ever have the Ninja Turtles name on it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is even worse than Ninja Turtles... Three. [Critic shudders, Nerd crosses himself]

The Nostalgia Critic:
[as Mikey] Well we gotta get out our sexual aggression somehow. Lord knows we're surrounded by pipes and a hot chick in a jumpsuit that we can't touch, 'cause you know, we're f***ing turtles. So you make do with what you got.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[as Raph] Yeah, we're horny in a half shell.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the hell? They're groping turtle asses? That's f***ing gross.

Billy Brill:
[on video] I think this band is going to be around for a long time. I wouldn't be surprised if they won a Grammy award or an American Music award. It's not gonna surprise me at all.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What a schmuck.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow, they're really comparing them to Aerosmith and AC/DC? That's pretty ballsy, guys.

The Angry Video Game Nerd, The Nostalgia Critic:
[Leonardo plays a one-string bass] How the f*** is that possible?

The Nostalgia Critic:
You cannot play bass with just one string on your guitar. That's like trying to play tennis with just one string on your raquet! [screams] IT DOESN'T WORK!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about what message the band is trying to convey] Eat fattening pizza?

The Nostalgia Critic:
Annoy your parents and play loud instruments?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
No, no, here's what the message is...

The Angry Video Game Nerd, The Nostalgia Critic:
Buy our f***ing products!

The Nostalgia Critic:
God, this is making the Country Bear Jamboree look like Metallica! It's just painful!

The Nostalgia Critic:
Hello, and welcome to Angry Nerd-Nostalgia Critic review.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Boy, do we have some great fun planned today, don't we, Critic?

The Nostalgia Critic:
We sure do, Nerd. [they clink mugs]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So anyway, why is this disgrace a f***ing let down of mutated proportions? Well hold on to your vomit bags, let's find out.

The Nostalgia Critic:
I think they just gave up on sentences and just started shouting random words; Excellent!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Awesome!

The Nostalgia Critic:
Radical!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Tubular!

The Nostalgia Critic:
Paper!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Olive Garden!

The Nostalgia Critic:
The alphabet!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Goat cheese!

The Nostalgia Critic, The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah! [they clink mugs]

Raphael:
Whoa, and if you coulda heard us at first, man, we were bad. Like, thank you, dude. Next!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, not like now. Now we're f***ing awesome!

The Nostalgia Critic:
We're incredible.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
We're like gods.

The Nostalgia Critic:
We play for the Pope.

Nostalgia Critic:
I swear, if Nicolas Cage was a drug, he smoked two bags' worth.

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Chef Boyardee products] Ah, good old Chef Boyardee, causing children around the world to grow up and shout, "I can't believe I used to put this in my body!"

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Count Chocula cereal] Believe it or not, there was actually a period of time when Count Chocula was a live-action character. And would you like to see what he looks like? [a shot of a live-action Count Chocula is shown]

Count Chocula:
If you crave chocolate, too... [the Critic jumps back in fright, screaming]... Count Chocula can satisfy the chocolate monster in you!

Nostalgia Critic:
What the hell is that? He's like a Silly Putty combo of the Nesquik rabbit and fat Weird Al Yankovic! And okay, that chin seriously needs to be censored. I swear, I'm looking at Forest Whitaker's testicles right now, and that should not be under the mouth of any cereal mascot!

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: McDonald's] If a strange man dressed like a clown lures you with magic tricks and, oh, I don't know, offers you McDonald's to go with him, chances are you should probably run for home. Or as Sonic puts it...

Sonic the Hedgehog:
You get outta there!

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Batman-themed Diet Coke] So you think celebrity endorsements are bad now? Take a look at what they did to the Caped Crusader when "Batman Returns" came out.

TV Anchorwoman:
News alert! Someone is stealing Gotham City's power supply.

Nostalgia Critic:
That's right, is he gonna stop rioters? Or capture the crook responsible for this crime? F*** no, he's gonna get him some Diet Coke!

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Red, White and Blue Pancakes from Denny's] My god. Everything this country stands for, all the bloodshed, all the cries of freedom, all the wars, all the battles, all the patriotic treasures of the world, all found here in this humble, brilliant piece of brilliantness.

[Reggie is watching an "I don't want to grow up" Toys "R" Us commercial]

Reggie's Mom:
Reggie!

Reggie:
Aw, go away, Mom!

Reggie's Mom:
Reggie, when are you gonna get a job?

Reggie:
I told you, Mom, I'm a Toys "R" Us kid!

Reggie's Mom:
You keep saying that! What does that mean?

Reggie:
You couldn't possibly understand, Mom!

Reggie's Mom:
I'm never gonna have any grandchildren!

Reggie:
They just complicate the plan, Mom! The Toys "R" Us plan!

Reggie's Mom:
I'm going to watch old home movies of you and see where I went wrong!

Reggie:
Toys "R" Us kid, Mom! Toys "R" Us kid!

[this is in response to a PSA from Canada that starts with a baby shower and ends up being about rape]

Nostalgia Critic:
[with a frozen smile on his face] What the f***, Canada?

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: "Ninja Turtles" VHS tapes by FHE that reveals the "true story"] Um, I'm not a scientist or anything, but I'm just gonna take a wild guess that the insane adventures of four anthropomorphic lifeforms living in the sewers, skateboarding, eating pizza, and fighting the ninja army led by Uncle Phil probably, *probably* takes place in the world of fiction.

[the Critic appears as having a younger sister, both appearing in a parody of a "Milk, It Does a Body Good" commercial; every time she takes a sip of milk, she grows somewhat older]

Little Sister:
[growing older as she drinks her milk:] You may think I'm a shrimp now, big brother, but I'm drinking milk! Which means I'll grow long hair, beautiful skin, and become totally self-absorbed, meaning I won't even think for myself, and instead marry a wealthy millionaire who only wants me for my body. [after taking another sip, she now holds a comb] And then I'll feel this emptiness inside that only the miracle of cocaine can cure. [holds the comb to her nose and takes a snort; becomes derelict] If that's not enough, I'll turn to heroin for an even greater high! [now looks and speaks all deranged] And then I won't know what's real anymore and I'll wonder where my life went wrong! [tosses a rope around her neck] And then I'll be so jacked up on highballs that I'll try to kill myself in my main closet! [suddenly sobers up] But then I'll discover rehab and realize it was all part of God's plan. [suddenly becomes derelict and deranged again] But then, I'll relapse and fall right down the slippery slope again! [grabs the Critic's shoulders and shakes him] OH JESUS, BROTHER, HELP ME! [suddenly becomes a bum, wearing a coat and holding a glass of milk] And then I'll die cold and alone with my only friend, the glass of milk that started it all. [the Critic looks around nervously and runs off]

Commercial Announcer:
Milk. What the f***? [Chester A. Bum walks up]

Chester A. Bum:
Hey! [he kicks her] This is my spot! [she hisses at him; he runs off scared]

[this is in response to Diet Coke's slogan, "Just For The Taste"]

Nostalgia Critic:
No, that's the *last* reason anybody drinks it. The first reason is... well, now, honestly because Batman drinks it! He loves it so much he would literally let the city DIE just to get the last one! That's probably the best endorsement you can give a product! So I guess it works.

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Chef Boyardee products] "Tasty wholesome pasta"? I can think of three things wrong with that sentence.

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Canadian PSA about rape involving a baby shower] Talk about an uncomfortable blow to your nads! Is this how you do all your serious commercials? Start off with something innocent and lighthearted and then smash it down into cruel, cruel reality? [the following message is shown: "1 in 2 girls growing up in Canada will be physically or sexually abused."]

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Kix cereal] The funny thing is, Kix is the only cereal that tastes different, literally, with every single bite you take. It's like it gets worse and worse with every single nip. I'm not even joking. You could do a diagram on the natural progression of what every bite does to your taste buds. [the Critic eats some Kix cereal to demonstrate his point]

Nostalgia Critic:
The first bite demonstrates a tasty enjoyable experience that seems rather satisfying. Notice how the smile has deteriorated by fifty percent on the second bite, signifying less enjoyment out of the experience. The third bite clearly shows the mistake one feels having placed this product in their mouth. Surely part of the box must've worked its way onto the spoon. [the Critic looks disgusted and spits the cereal out] Clearly they've made a cereal out of packing peanuts. This mistake will not be made again.

Nostalgia Critic:
[the Kix cereal's tagline is: "Kid Tested, Mother Approved"] Uh... yeah, let's say it like it really is, people.

Commercial Announcer:
Kix: Kids Tolerate It, Mother Has Coupons.

[Doug and Malcolm are dressed as office workers, standing around a water cooler]

Doug:
You know, a hard day's work doesn't call for water out of the cooler.

Malcolm:
What do you got there?

Doug:
I got me a nice bottle of Mountain Water. Cool, refreshing, big on taste, but also big on satisfaction. And what do you got there?

Malcolm:
I got pancreatic cancer. [Doug looks disgusted; the following message is shown: "45,220 people get pancreatic cancer a year. This message brought to you by the National BUZZKILL Institution of Canada."]

Wicked Witch of the West:
Dorothy has escaped the castle! Spread out! Find her! FIND HER! [points to one Winkie] Except for you. You come here.

Winkie Guard:
[approaching her] Yes, milady?

Wicked Witch of the West:
It's been a long day, hasn't it, Oh-ee-oh henchman #5?

Winkie Guard:
Yes, milady.

Wicked Witch of the West:
And you'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?

Winkie Guard:
Yes, milady. Unless someone half your age were to kill you, in which case I would swear allegiance to her blindly.

Wicked Witch of the West:
Okay... What do you say I ride your broomstick for a while?

Winkie Guard:
What do you mean?

Wicked Witch of the West:
Fill my pointy hat.

Winkie Guard:
Don't follow.

Wicked Witch of the West:
POP my ruby slipper!

Winkie Guard:
Totally lost.

Wicked Witch of the West:
Jesus! Do I have to spell it out for you? I want to have sex with you!

Winkie Guard:
Oh!... Still don't get it.

Wicked Witch of the West:
...I don't have any other words to say. Not one part of that sentence could be interpreted in any other way.

Winkie Guard:
Oh, I think I see what you're saying.

Wicked Witch of the West:
Good.

Winkie Guard:
You want me and Henchwoman #12 to hook up? Well, don't worry, my lady. I'm still working on it. [calling offscreen] Hello, Henchwoman #12.

Henchwoman #12:
[calling back] Still not into you, creep!

Winkie Guard:
She's so into me.

Wicked Witch of the West:
Oh, forget it. You're fired! I'm gonna go hit on a flying monkey. [leaves]

Winkie Guard:
I need a better union.

[the Critic is watching a Count Chocula commercial, featuring a live Count Chocula, in which a young boy somehow turns into a monster, with only Count Chocula cereal to change him back]

Nostalgia Critic:
I don't even know what the commercial's about. It's a monster that wakes up, but when he's fed Count Chocula, he turns back into a kid... I-I WHO CARES? You can't take your eyes off that image of Robin Williams coming out of a Muppet's butt!

Count Chocula:
If you crave chocolate too...

Nostalgia Critic:
GAH! Turn away, turn it away! Burn it with acid!

Count Chocula:
Count Chocula satisfies your chocolate monster... in no time flat! The monstrously good part of a complete breakfast. Count Chocula can satisfy the chocolate monster in you!

Nostalgia Critic:
You stay the f*** away from my chocolate monster!

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Chef Boyardee pastas] Now, of course, making famous characters into edible shapes is nothing new. There was Pac-Man, Smurfs... Hell, even tic-tac-toe got a pasta.

Chef Boyardee announcer:
[singing] Wherever I go, it's Xs and Os. / Makes me feel so hungry for my tic-tac-toes.

Nostalgia Critic:
What some people forget is that for the longest time, they tried to make a game out of eating their products. Yeah, listen.

Chef Boyardee announcer:
And when you get three Xs or Os on your spoon, you win! / First one to capture all three dinosaur shapes wins!

Nostalgia Critic:
Why must you turn dinnertime into a competitive sport? Wouldn't the more appropriate rules be...

Commercial Announcer:
Hey kids! If you can eat the elbow macaroni and ketchup we're calling pasta without vomiting it up through your ears, nose, or mouth, you win!

Nostalgia Critic:
[re: Toys "R" Us commercials] The only other problem I had with these commercials was that half the toys were never *at* Toys "R" Us. You ever noticed that? I don't know if it was a copyright thing or what, but half of these products they were advertising were never at the store. Like imagine if you were a Ninja Turtle nut, like I was. Look at THESE f***ing things! [shows a shot of dancing Ninja Turtles] Holy sh*t! I want the life-size dancing Ninja Turtles, please! [the phrase "Don't Have It!" is displayed in red letters] What? Don't have it? Well, okay. I'll take that gigantic teddy bear he's bouncing around on. ["Don't Have It!" is displayed in red] What? Well, how about that game where you bomb the battleship? ["Don't Have It!" is displayed in red again] F*** you! Look through the store. There has to be a game where you can bomb a battleship. Gah, this place is an insult to Geoffrey the Giraffe! ["He's Not Real!" is displayed in red letters] He's not real? ["NO!" is displayed in red]

Nostalgia Critic:
[crying out] I don't wanna grow up! [puts his hands in his face]

Critic's Mom:
Critic, when are you gonna get a job?

Nostalgia Critic:
Shut up, Mom!

[in the "Take Care of Me Twins" commercial, the girl tending to the twins in question gives a freaky-looking smile toward them]

Nostalgia Critic:
Just look at the smile she gives! That's the smile of "I'm about to kill these little bastards if someone doesn't take them away from me."

[a commercial for Denny's Red, White and Blue Pancakes is shown]

Nostalgia Critic:
[standing up] Everyone rise for the greatest commercial ever. I know it's current, but trust me when I say it is destined to become a nostalgic commercial classic. It starts off with a guy just going into a Denny's to get some pancakes. What follows is a moment of pure and absolute beauty.

Man #1 in commercial:
Red, White, and Blue Pancakes, huh? What do they taste like?

Man #2 in commercial:
America.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes! Yes they do, nodding strange old man! Denny's Red, White, and Blue Pancakes taste like America!

[the Critic is abhorred by a Canadian PSA involving a baby shower, in which it is claimed that 1 out of 2 women get physically or sexually abused]

Nostalgia Critic:
This can't be good for tourism. Who the hell would want to go to Canada after learning that statistic? Do they have that on the entry sign to the place? "Welcome to Canada. One in two girls will be physically or sexually abused?" That's pretty awkward! I mean, how do you think the expectant mother feels? [in the PSA, the expectant mother receives a present; the grandmother-to-be tells her it's a rape whistle]

Nostalgia Critic:
[as the mother] Well, Grandma just ruined the baby shower. I'm gonna go hit the vodka. Oh, wait, can't drink. That's right, that's right. Again, great timing, Grandma. [normal voice] I know you mean well, guys, but... JESUS! ["Blame Canada" plays briefly]

Nostalgia Critic:
[the Critic activates his JO Signal] Goddammit there's no clouds outside, when the hell would that ever happen? [time passes the critic activates the signal again] Goddammit it's during the day, tap dancing crap!

Nostalgia Critic:
You good?

JesuOtaku:
[sniffles] I'll be fine. [her mascara is running]

Nostalgia Critic:
You weren't even wearing mascara! How is it running?

JesuOtaku:
I don't know!

Nostalgia Critic:
Alas, Disney would never do anything different, anything original, or anything groundbreaking ever again - [Gargoyles comes up] OK - one.

Nostalgia Critic:
It was a fantastic show and we loved every single minute of it. Why? Because it never relied on any sort of cheap Disney gimmicks. We had Aladdin for that.

Guisman:
I JUST want total domination of ONE major American city!

Nostalgia Critic:
[sighs] Alright... [points]

M. Bison:
Of course!

Nostalgia Critic:
I'll never get sick of that joke.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating thugs] Hey, next week I'm getting a root canal. Ah ha ha ha! Hey, I just found out I have cancer. Ah ha ha ha!

Nostalgia Critic:
With a game this popular, Hollywood producers quickly put their minds together and came up with the idea to make a movie out of it... seven years later. I mean, come on, by this time you could find Double Dragon in toy dispensers. It's not like it was at the height of its popularity.

Nostalgia Critic:
So the film starts off with this bullshit:

Narrator:
Thousands of years ago, an evil army of shadow warriors terrorized the great city of Chang-San. The good king sacrificed himself to create a mystical madallion. The king split it in half. This is the legend of the Double Dragon.

Nostalgia Critic:
No, this is the plot to Surf Ninjas.

Nostalgia Critic:
Anyone can talk about it. It's quite a different thing to actually experience it.

Nostalgia Critic:
So as it turns out, New Angeles is a crime-ridden hell hole where earthquakes occur every couple'a seconds, criminals rule the streets and the police never come out after dark. How is that any different from the old Angeles?

Nostalgia Critic:
In the city, we meet the Lee brothers, Jimmy and Billy. They meet every Wednesday at the Karate Kid reenactment guild as they practice their infamous karate moves: like the fire-blazing drop kick, the fearsome, raging roundhouse, and the fatal demon-head nookie of doom. It's a terrifying world where criminals wave their fingers at you, little people do... whatever the hell this is, and news programs are hosted by George Hamilton and Vanna White. Wait, what?

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh good. Punch her in the stomach and take her away, will ya? We're trying to get this movie off the ground.

Nostalgia Critic:
I'm sick of your stalling, movie. It's time you do something with that woman. Do something with that wo... [Satori is killed in an explosion] Well that was... harsh.

Nostalgia Critic:
Bottom line: this movie is horrible. It's about as entertaining as colon cancer. Nobody in their right mind should, would, or could like this movie.

Nostalgia Critic:
Is it me or have I been dying a lot lately?

Nostalgia Critic:
Maybe the idea for the movie was just so good that it could cross the boundaries of the zeitgeist and give us one hell of a timeless classic. But I really doubt it.

Nostalgia Critic:
But Rourke puts a grenade in the baby's bed, givin new meaning to the term baby boomer.

Nostalgia Critic:
But it turns out the bad guys have replaced the baby with a bomb. A... bomby!

Nostalgia Critic:
So that's where all the weapons of mass destruction were.

Douchey McNitpick:
That is so 2003.

[repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
But I digress!

Guy:
Mr. Bluff got us into Funkytown to have a dance...

Nostalgia Critic:
Stop saying "F***ytown!" It's a G-rated flick. Learn to pronounce your N's!

Nostalgia Critic:
[to Skeeter] You are a waste of thought.

Patty:
Guy got Mr. Bluff to give us money to have the dance at... are you ready for this? Funkytown!

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, I swear to God, she said "F***ytown."

Patty:
Funkytown!

Nostalgia Critic:
You know, it's gonna be an orgy theme. Think Bazooka Joe meets A Night in Paris.

Nash:
[to Nostalgia Critic] You are weird.

Nostalgia Critic:
The film opens in the Nineties, but for some reason people act like the Fifties as being told by the Seventies, as we see school bully Roger, not voiced by Billy West... [boos and hisses ensue] Buy your torches and pitchforks here.

Nostalgia Critic:
Didn't you see Tomorrow Never Dies? It's a James Bond scheme. Wake the f*** up!

Nostalgia Critic:
So Doug tells Patti about what's going on... right in front of Guy, who's good friends with Mr. Bluff!

Doug:
We have proof that Mr. Bluff is polluting the lake.

Guy:
I wouldn't go around saying stuff you can't prove.

Doug:
I've got proof!

Nostalgia Critic:
[screams] DUMBASS! Dumbass, dumbass, dumbass, dumbass! How much of a dumbass are you? In fact, if you look up "dumbass" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of... [shows a photo of Tommy Wiseau] Well it should be you in there!

Patti:
I can't believe it, I had no idea Doug would lie about that.

Nostalgia Critic:
I say we judge strictly by how it looks, and in no way question motivation or character.

Nostalgia Critic:
So when the day of the big news conference arrives, Doug thinks there's something suspicious about all the reporters. [All the reporters are dressed in trenchcoats, fedora hats and dark glasses] Gee, what coulda given him that idea? Maybe because they're all dressed like Robert Stack flashers?

Nostalgia Critic:
So after they find out that the reporters did indeed work for Mr. Bluff, and that it was just a plan to capture the monster, the mayor's plan is going to be: A, Have Bluff arrested. B, Document all that she can through video and eye witnesses that the monster is real. Or C, have some of Bud's famous leftover meatloaf?

Mayor Dink:
Now what do ya say we have some of Bud's famous leftover meatloaf?

Nostalgia Critic:
[screams] AM I ON MARS? Tell me I'm on Mars! None of this makes any goddamn sense. I must be on Mars!

Patti:
[the lake monster is disguised as a teenage girl] Look at Doug with that cute girl.

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait, what?

Patti:
Look at Doug with that cute girl.

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, alright, I can believe the boys getting excited about the dance. I can believe the mayor not using her powers at all to prove an earth-shattering discovery. I can believe high schoolers can build a giant robot and a shrinking ray and not have any of that get any media attention. But, if you expect me to believe that any high school girl, high school girl mind you, would look at this deformed demon, thinking he's a female student and actually verbally acknowledge that she's cute, YOU ARE ON METH!

Mr. Dink:
[on his virtual reality machine] Everything is right where it is in real life. It's exactly like being here, only much more expensive.

Nostalgia Critic:
Kinda like watching Doug on the big screen when you could be watching it at home for free.

Patti:
Do you really think I'd be good at organizing a dance? I've never done anything like that.

Doug:
I think you'd be great at whatever you wanted to do, Patti.

Nostalgia Critic:
Especially me.

Nostalgia Critic:
So that was Doug's 1st Movie. Aren't you so glad they brought that to the big screen?

Nostalgia Critic:
I mean, what was even the purpose? Nothing about it screamed cinema, so why did they even make it? I should probably guess that it suffers from the same problem that the show suffers from: IT'S BLAND AND BORING! I hate this movie! I hate this show! I hate everything having to do with it!

Nostalgia Critic:
Um, hey, here's an idea; instead of calling a news conference about a sea monster, um, why don't you call a news conference about a bunch of high schoolers who have a F***ING SHRINKING RAY? OR A GIANT F***ING ROBOT? Don't you think... THAT should get some attention? Don't you think instead of just shrugging comedically these kids should get a Nobel Prize for changing the world of science as we f***ing know it? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU JELLYBEAN-COLORED SIMPSON REJECTS?

Col. Jessup:
[repeated throughout the review to reflect the Critic's views on Doug] You f***in' people!

Don Bluth:
[the Critic keeps losing the game] Whoa, you're really bad at this.

Nostalgia Critic:
[angrily] YA THINK?

Don Bluth:
I could usually win this in ten minutes.

Nostalgia Critic:
That's because you made this, schmuck!

Nostalgia Critic:
[grudgingly playing Dragon's Lair] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. This is my punishment for making fun of Don Bluth. I have to play Dragon's Lair. It doesn't sound that bad, but have you actually played Dragon's Lair? Of course not! Nobody has! You just watched it like everyone else did and waited for that eccentric millionaire to come in, blow all his money and figure out what moves you're supposed to do. Okay, here's the thing: the game really is innovative and beautiful. Nothing had ever been done like it before. BUT IT'S FREAKIN' HARD! Imagine "Legend of Zelda 2," "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and "Silver Surfer" blindfolded. That, is only the training to how hard this game is!

Don Bluth:
Is someone regretting not talking about how awesome I am?

Nostalgia Critic:
[showing a copy of The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare] You do know the last time I did anything game related, it totally blew up in my face, right?

Don Bluth:
Yep.

Nostalgia Critic:
[grumbling] I really hate you right now.

Don Bluth:
Hey, do I need to do a death glare again?

Nostalgia Critic:
You know what? Try me! I bet I've gotten used to it by now. [Bluth glares again, scaring the Critic] Doooooh! You're like that shaming disapproval of every morbid grandparent!

Don Bluth:
Less talking, more reviewing.

[in the game, Dirk comes across a glowing blue diamond and tries to grab it, only to fall to his death]

Nostalgia Critic:
What? Wait a minute! It was a glowy thing! How am I supposed to not go after a glowy thing in a game? It's a glowy thing! It's like telling a dog not to go after a bone! It's freakin' nature!

[in the game, Dirk comes across a room with a wall closing him off; the door behind it glows]

Nostalgia Critic:
Glowy thing. [hesitantly]... Yes? [Dirk successfully jumps through the closing wall to the other side] Ha-ha!

[in the game, Dirk comes across a bottle labeled "Drink Me"]

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, another glowy thing.

[Dirk drinks the contents of the bottle, only to suddenly crumble into a pile of dust]

Nostalgia Critic:
OOOOOOHHHH! It said, "DRINK ME!" The goddamn game gave me an instruction, and it lied to me! I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DRINK IT EVEN THOUGH IT SAID DRINK IT! WHO'S RUNNING THIS GODDAMN PLACE, GLaDOS?

[a message appears briefly saying, "The drink is a lie"]

[in the game, a chain glows and Dirk grabs it, but it opens up a water gate, releasing a torrent of water that washes him away]

Nostalgia Critic:
Wha... ha... That was two glowy things! You just got in my head not to even go after one glowy thing, and then you give me f***ing two? That's like telling me not to go after a cupcake, and then you give me two cupcakes, and then you smack me in the face for not going after the two cupcakes! WHAT DO YOU WANT? In the depths of your ignorance, what do you want?

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh wow. This person needs to die.

Nostalgia Critic:
Look at him, he looks like a Conehead on fire.

[repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
NO!

Nostalgia Critic:
And it's directed by [the director's name is Ate De Jong] Oh f*** you, let's just jump to the movie.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Fred] But unfortunately, the devil's ball sac appears for more 'hi-larity.'

Nostalgia Critic:
So Fred sinks the house boat as Elizabeth has to tell Fisher she's lost everything that she owns.

Janey:
[sighs] Everything I own is on that boat.

Nostalgia Critic:
Um, that is the wrong reaction. You don't act like someone just got dirt on your rug. Your f***ing home is gone. The correct response is, "b*tch, I kill you and your goddamn imaginary friend. Here is the number of a mental hospital. You are dangerous."

Nostalgia Critic:
If this is psychological healing, then Michael Myers is the poster child for mental health.

Nostalgia Critic:
He is so delightful. It's like having a stand-up comedian at the holocaust.

Nostalgia Critic:
Why do I see this movie ending with the line, "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers"?

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes, apparently she's entered Tim Burton Land. Look, he's remaking something that has black in it.

Nostalgia Critic:
Aw, so this was all Fred's attempt to make her to come to grips with her childhood. You know, there was a more subtle, non-destructive way of doing that, you jackass!

Fred:
You have to go alone. I can't get back now.

Nostalgia Critic:
But who else will almost ruin my life?

Nostalgia Critic:
The psychological ramifications are just disturbing. It's trying to be Alice in Wonderland, but it's more like Wonderland in Alice. It's just creepy.

Nostalgia Critic:
So, now that all of our favorite cartoon characters are together in one spot, what are they gonna talk about?

Simon:
Marijuana.

Nostalgia Critic:
[stares; puts hand to ear] Scusi?

Simon:
Marijuana.

Nostalgia Critic:
[somewhat incredulous] Did... Did Simon of the Chipmunks just say "marijuana"? What... What would possess Simon of the Chipmunks to say "marijuana"? No... No, no, no. This has gotta be some kind of mistake. They can't be talking about the same kind of marijuana *we're* thinking about...

Simon:
An unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.

Nostalgia Critic:
[shocked] Oh my God. Why is Simon of the Chipmunks talking about marijuana? What kind of a slap in the face is that? I mean, Simon shouldn't know what marijuana is! Simon is one of the embodiments of childhood! He's from Alvin and the Chipmunks for cryin' out loud! JESUS, I feel so dirty. Simon of the Chipmunks just said "marijuana"!

Nostalgia Critic:
Is there any other American icon that can smash the foundations of my childhood any quicker?

Bugs Bunny:
What's dis? A joint?

Nostalgia Critic:
Why does Bugs Bunny know what a joint is? Bugs Bunny shouldn't know what a joint is. If Bugs Bunny knows what a joint is, that means he knows what drugs are. If Bugs Bunny knows what drugs are, that means the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are, and if the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are, then it just explains too goddamn much!

Nostalgia Critic:
You know what the irony is? I think that most of these cartoon characters were on drugs long before this special ever came out. I mean, look at'em: Garfield is always hungry, Pooh is happy as hell, Daffy is hyped up on speed, and Michaelangelo... well, listen to him.

Michaelangelo:
Your brain must be, like, really messed up.

Nostalgia Critic:
I even think our beloved president smoked a doobie before he came out. I mean, look at him. He's looking at Barbara's head like it's a giant cheeseburger.

Nostalgia Critic:
[referring to Michael's bad behavior] Corey thinks about telling her father, but he's too busy being an alcoholic... and gay... and the Brawny Man.

Nostalgia Critic:
[after Michael steals Corey's piggy bank] He uses it to get more drugs which he hides in a box that he keeps under his bed. And what exactly does he keep in that box? A silly puddy egg, four turds, and two cinnamon buns glued together, because hey, he was high and he thought it was a good idea at the time.

Nostalgia Critic:
Any objections?

Smoke:
I make'im feel good.

Nostalgia Critic:
Got me there. [takes a hit off a bong]

Nostalgia Critic:
You know, I thought this would be really cool, but it turns out all my favorite cartoon characters are f***ing narcs!

Nostalgia Critic:
You know, for a movie called "Dungeons and Dragons", I've seen *a* dungeon and *a* dragon. Couldn't you show us something a little more meaty outside of earwax rape?

Damodar:
Just like you thieves, always taking things that don't belong to you.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, that *is what a thief does*. Isn't that sort of like saying, "You painters, always... painting"?

Nostalgia Critic:
George Lucas must be rolling in his grave.

Judge:
I've sent you to reform school, the Drunk Tank, the local psychiatric ward, because you used to be a good kid, playing ball for the Jewish Community Center with the best jump shot this town has ever seen.

Bart Simpson:
What an odd thing to say.

Davey:
I've still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. [Gets up and jumps once] I'd hit a three-pointer for you except I'd have to drop my pants and pop the thumb up my boo-boo.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Chuckling] Charming. Destined to become a classic holiday line.

Tiny Tim:
God bless us, everyone.

Grinch Narrator:
Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more.

Davey:
I'd have to drop my pants and pop the thumb up my boo-boo.

Nostalgia Critic:
[In a British accent] Dickens himself could not write better!

Nostalgia Critic:
[after the Happy Madison audience laughs at another poop scene] That's it! I've had it with this motherf***ing Happy Madison and their motherf***ing audience! [Critic gets up and walks into the bathroom. A farting and peeing sound is heard. Critic walks out] Hey, look everybody! Poo! [Audience laugh and run into the bathroom as the Critic reaches into his jacket. Critic pulls out a grenade, pulls the pin out and throws it in. Critic closes the door and holds his foot on it. An explosion is heard. Laughter stops] A moment of silence for the Happy Madison audience. [Critic takes off his hat then promptly puts it back on] That was fun. [Walks off as Nostalgia Critic commercial bumper appears]

Nostalgia Critic:
So Whitey feels a good way to get his attitude up is to take him to the mall.

Whitey:
You need to clean your brain out, pal. And to me the mall is the best place to do it.

Davey:
So what's good about this place?

Nostalgia Critic:
[Imitating Whitey] Product placement! [Normal voice] No, I'm not even kidding. We let our sponsors do us like backdoor whores! Look at some of these!

Whitey:
The Body Shop... The Tie Rack... GNC... Radio Shack... Petland for a cat or two... Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo... Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, my god. [Picks up Man of Steel poster] Baby, I'm so sorry. I mean, I thought your product placements was the worst but after seeing this... [Critic gently pushes Man of Steel poster away] You go and be subtle and I'm gonna suffer through the rest of this.

Nostalgia Critic:
So why didn't they go with her? Well, maybe she wouldn't be nearly as funny being needlessly shoved down a porta-potty and climbing out covered in poo. [Happy Madison audience laugh uncontrollably] Oh, that's right. This is a Happy Madison audience where something they see come out of them every day is suddenly hilarious because it reminds them of something that was scandalous when they were 2 years old. Watch. [a pause] Poo! [Audience laughs]

Audience Member #2:
[laughing] Oh, poo! Oh, poo!

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, look! He's freezing him to the poo! [Audience laughs]

Audience Member #2:
[laughing] Oh, frozen poo! Oh, frozen poo!

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, look! A bunch of deer coming up to lick him out of the poo! [Audience laugh even louder] Hey, look! Abbott and Costello are misunderstanding the ballplayer's names and starting positions. [Audience falls silent] Oh, no! They have to think for that! We don't want something smart here! This is a Happy Madison audience!

Audience Member #4:
Where did I come from?

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, no! They're growing intelligent! Show another poop scene! Show another poop scene! Look! The deer's smiling with poop in his teeth! [Audience starts laughing again] Now give them your money. They work for seconds to think of this awe-inspiring humor. [Audience laugh and start throwing money]

Audience Member #2:
[laughing while throwing money at the Critic] Take it! Take it all!

Nostalgia Critic:
[Bell rings and the caption "Feeding Time" appears] It's feeding time! Who wants White Castle Slider fruit snacks. [Audience raise their hands. Critic throws a switch. Fruit snacks begin flying at the audience and they start eating it while making seal sounds. Critic laughs] It's funny because they shouldn't live.

Nostalgia Critic:
You know how with the Grinch you sorta love to hate him? Well, Adam Sandler movies are worse than cancer. Yeah, I have no joke there. It just feels f***ing good to say how much I hate Adam Sandler.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, uh huh, they go that route: they actually give Davey a backstory involving his parents dying in a car accident, and of course, this is the reason he's such a jerk to everyone. Yeah, 'cause a movie with sh*t-eating deer, three-breasted women and an extreme close-up on hairry white asses clearly can segue so easily into heavy drama like this.

Nostalgia Critic:
Alright, I gotta know. [gets up and follows the Eight Crazy Nights poster down the hall, where Rachel stands texting]

Rachel:
Hey, Critic, where are you going?

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, this movie's whored itself out to everybody. Might as well see what it's like. [off camera sounds include repeated pounding and the Critic moaning in agony. Glass shatters and the Critic screams]

Rachel:
How was it?

Nostalgia Critic:
Empty, hollow and not over nearly fast enough.

Rachel:
I could've told you that.

Benjamin:
Hey, Awesome Claus, what did you do today?

Awesome Claus:
Well, I made Christmas a whole lot more awesome this year.

Benjamin:
Really? And how did you do that?

Awesome Claus:
Well, I kicked Ron Howard in the balls for making The Grinch, shot at every greedy f***-ass who went shopping on Thanksgiving night , and produced 8 Hanukkah movies that were actually funny to people who can count past the number 4.

Benjamin:
Wow, I think my balls just grew while talking to you.

Awesome Claus:
It's all part of spending millions of dollars to animate something that actually makes an impact on somebody's life. I'm Awesome Claus.

Nostalgia Critic:
So the credits roll and I'm blown out of my ass to see that four people wrote this piece of sh*t. Four people? How the flying f*** do you think that process worked? [imitating idiot writer] Duh, we make movie. [slams head] We make movie. [slams head] We make movie. [slams head] Duh, I write poo. [Happy Madison audience laughs from Heaven] Hey, how about that. People may die, but stupidity is forever.

Whitey:
You'll stay with me and my sister for a while.

Davey:
I ain't living with you buffoons.

Whitey:
What other options do you got, Mr. Rockefellar?

Nostalgia Critic:
You mean between freezing to death outside and listening to your annoying voice? [singing] Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Nostalgia Critic:
And y'know, even as a testament to how f***ing bad this movie really is, even with a backstory that his parents were killed when he was young, they still make him too unlikable to sympathize with. Even the Grinch Narrator would be like...

Grinch Narrator:
And given the choice between the two of you, I'd choose the uh... [picture of Davey Stone] Oh hell no, I'm going with the green guy. At least he didn't make Jack and Jill. [singing] That movie was shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Narrator:
Wow, just when you started to really like Davey.

Nostalgia Critic:
Is that what we were supposed to be doing?

[repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
CAT!

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, it's after Christmas again and once again I can't help but feel the post-Christmas blues. I mean, all this time waiting for Santa to bring me something wonderful and fantastic and really great gifts. Instead, what does he bring me? A Play Station 3 Entertainment System, a brand new controller, a controller for the Blu-Ray player, Soul Caliber 4... and no Batman: Arkham Asylum. What have I done, Santa? What have I done to deserve such torture? Instead, what did I get instead of Batman: Arkham Asylum? Ernest Saves Christmas.

Nostalgia Critic:
You need to get laid, Ernest.

Nostalgia Critic:
[notices oddly-placed bumper sticker in Ernest's glove compartment that says "Keep Christ in Christmas"] So Ernest wants to keep the "Christ" in Christmas, even though he's in a movie with Santa Claus. Yeah, hold on a second. [dials phone number]

Movie:
This is the movie.

Nostalgia Critic:
[screams] HELLO!

Nostalgia Critic:
[Deleted line] Yes, I think he entertains the autistic children.

Harmony Star:
I'm 22.

Santa Claus:
My mistake.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Santa] So I can tap that then.

Joe Carruthers:
How'd you find my house?

Santa Claus:
It comes with the job. What did you do to yourself?

Nostalgia Critic:
No, no, that's not the question. The question is, how'd you find my house?

Nostalgia Critic:
We are Hollywood producers. We are the gods, we are the gods. [evil laughter]

Mary Morrison:
So, did you ever find your sack?

Nostalgia Critic:
Stop calling it that!

Nostalgia Critic:
So that was Ernest Saves Christmas. It's stupid, it's cheesy, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense... and I watch it every year.

Nostalgia Critic:
So here's my question to all these movies where they try to prove Santa doesn't exist. If Santa doesn't exist in these worlds, how do they explain the presents just magically appearing under the tree if the parents don't get them? [cut to a shot of Ernest mugging] That's what I thought.

Santa Claus:
Joe, you are going to be the new...

Nostalgia Critic:
Adolf Hit...

Marty Brock:
[interrupting] This is it, Joey. The hand of fate is reaching out to you.

Nostalgia Critic:
What better way to start off this terrifying month than with a terrifying movie... not really scary, just terrifying.

Nostalgia Critic:
Ernest Scared Stupid really lives up to its name. It has Ernest, it's stupid, and it's scary in its own right. That the idea of sitting through this ass testicle of a movie scares the living sh*t out of me. So, let the bitching hour commence.

Bat Bargo:
I'm Batman.

Nostalgia Critic:
So we see that the movie was written by John Cherry and Coke Sams. So yes, this movie was officially written by Cherry Coke. That's how strange an experience we're in for here, folks. We're in a movie written by a soda. Fasten your seat belts.

Nostalgia Critic:
[upon Lady Hackmore's first appearance; imitating Doc Brown] Marty, I've transformed myself into a withering black lady.

Nostalgia Critic:
That was Catwoman, everybody. Adolescents around the world used to jerk off to that.

Nostalgia Critic:
[as Ernest is wearing Roman garb] Um, no, sorry. Cinema Snob already reviewed Caligula. Besides, I don't want to see you naked.

Nostalgia Critic:
Ah, it's been a while. Let's see Jim Varney and Eartha Kitt try to outmug each other again.

Rachel Tietz:
Though one door has opened, I will never forget the good times we've had. The fun, the laughs, the fact that Malcolm's worn more women's clothing than I have.

Malcolm Ray:
Oh, thanks.

Nostalgia Critic:
A lot of you probably know that I did a tribute to Siskel and Ebert and he tweeted about it and I am so pathetic that I still have that goddamn tweet framed. I might be the only person to ever frame a tweet.

Nostalgia Critic:
Given how intelligent this guy is and how aware of his status he was, and what a big name he was. He *must've* known what an impact he had, not just on me, but on so many of us. He must've known how much we appreciated him.

Nostalgia Critic:
It really, really breaks my heart that he's gone. But what I do know is that what he's left us is a great education about movies, about understanding movies, about the passion of loving movies, and that's a greater education that I know I couldn't teach, I know so many other critics couldn't teach, but he found a way and he did it so unbelievably well. And I can say very honestly, so many people got it. We heard it and we loved it and we loved you, Roger Ebert. I'm the Nostalgia Critic and you will always be remembered.

Nostalgia Critic:
If a piece of sh*t took a piece of sh*t, and that piece of sh*t took a piece of sh*t, and that piece of sh*t took a piece of sh*t, and that piece of sh*t took a piece of sh*t, and that piece of sh*t took a piece of sh*t, and that piece of sh*t made a MOVIE... and THAT movie took a piece of sh*t... THIS is the piece of sh*t you would SEE! [takes a deep breath] "Felix the Cat".

Nostalgia Critic:
What the f***topus?

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Felix] Hahahaha, you stupid skull! Hahaha! Alright, time to get some reading done. [picks up a book called "History's Monsters"] Hahahaha! Stupid people who died at the hands of Josef Stalin! Hahahaha! [blows raspberry]

Nostalgia Critic:
F*** you, you decapitated Macy's Day balloon! You are sh*t on a dick!

Nostalgia Critic:
It's like if Dr. Seuss really hated children and wanted to give parents a way of punishing them, without necessarily beating them. And yet the psychological scars would still be the same.

Nostalgia Critic:
[seeing the opening shot of the 3D talking Felix head] In case you're wondering, no, there's no other 3D animation in the entire picture. So, really, this is completely pointless. It's like watching that annoying Mario head at the opening of Mario 64. [a clip of Mario's head from that game is shown] Yeah, it looked nice then, but it's awkward and disturbing now. [Felix and Mario appear side by side]

Felix, Mario:
Which one of our voices is more annoying?

Nostalgia Critic:
[very much disturbed] Don't make me choose!

Nostalgia Chick:
[Explaining the Big Lipped Alligator Moment] Perhaps you don't remember the big lipped alligator scene from "All Dogs Go To Heaven." This is named after the random musical number sung by a big lipped alligator towards the end of the film: a scene that comes right the f*** out of nowhere, has little to no bearing whatsoever on the plot, is way over-the-top in terms of ridiculousness, even within the context of the movie; and after it's happened, no one ever speaks of it again.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, like the dancing fire gang from "Labyrinth," the pink elephants from "Dumbo," the creepy-ass tunnel scene from "Willy Wonka."

Nostalgia Chick:
That's right.

Nostalgia Critic:
And now this festering pile of pointlessness.

Nostalgia Critic:
And seeing as how The Nostalgia Chick helped me last time, I figure it's only fitting to make the offer again. So what do you say, Nostalgia Chick? Ready to go into the rain forest one more time?

Nostalgia Chick:
Nope.

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay.

Nostalgia Critic:
[mocking Batty] Modern day references... LAUGH!

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, my God, this carnival is awesome! Makes you totally forget about the little baby animals we're supposed to be rescuing.

Nostalgia Critic:
AAH! AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT IN AUSTRALIA! WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO?

Nostalgia Critic:
Aww, no BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT.

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait a minute, why about f***ing Weebo? A flying robot with the ability to think and create emotions. Don't you think that would be worth a couple bajillion dollars?

Phillip Brainard:
This is really not an area where you're qualified to offer prospective.

Nostalgia Critic:
You're an idiot.

Nostalgia Critic:
Why does Robin Williams suck in movies?

Nostalgia Critic:
You know, they have a word for this in basketball, I think it's... um... cheating.

Nostalgia Critic:
But cyber sex will have to wait as he comes up with his next, genius use for the Flubber invention: basketball. That's right, instead of selling his invention to some business or some scientific research lab, getting the money to save the college, he tests the effects of Flubber on basketball. Why aren't you committed?

Nostalgia Critic:
Gee, I wonder if it's gonna bounce around, break stuff and result in someone getting hit? [the Flubber basketball hits a wall and lands on Brainard's head] Like f***ing clockwork! Why don't they just call this movie "Sh*t Bounces and Nobody Laughs."

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating announcer] Dale is dead, everybody. Dale is dead. This game is officially dedicated to Dale who sacrificed his body literally head-first to score the winning point. Dale is dead!

Nostalgia Critic:
[screaming] WHAT? He STILL couldn't make it to the wedding? This guy is ass scum! No, stop applauding. This isn't charming, this is disturbing! Very, very disturbing. After 4 times, he still couldn't make it to the altar? He is a ball of SH*T! Why are you marrying him? Nothing indicates that he would make a good husband. Where are you spending your honeymoon, divorce court? Imagine if you guys had kids, what would happen then? [imiating Brainard] Oh, I'm sorry that I drowned little Timmy, but I was working on this very important experiement. [in normal voice] Run away, woman! Run away. Go marry that jerky guy. At least he would show up. True he's a diabolical villain but... he would f***ing show up! What a horrible ending. What a horrible movie. What a flat-out horrible experience!

Nostalgia Critic:
I mean, occasionally, he'll get a good one, but for the most part, they're pretty bad. We know he's funny and we know he can act, so how come he keeps turning out sh*t after sh*t after sh*t? Maybe its because he keeps picking movies that downplayed his talent as supposed to glorified them.

Nostalgia Critic:
No. You need effort. Actually effort! Because if you don't, you get Flubber!

Nostalgia Critic:
Why does that voice sound familiar? Oh, it's Ariel! Cool, that's why I was thinking of jail bait as well as fish bait.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Brainard] Oh, this isn't anything, it's just a scientific breakthrough that could change the way we look at life as we know it. Where's that useless Weebo?

Sara Reynolds:
In this case, once is justifiable, twice is understandable, but three times...

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, honey, a word of advice to you: if he misses your wedding once, dump him. Twice, kill him. Three times, go Loraina Bobbitt on his ass, but for God sakes, learn a f***ing lesson!

Nostalgia Critic:
But it turns out Brainard isn't really a noncommittal f***-ass, he's just... quirky.

Nostalgia Critic:
And yes, that not-quite Shia LaBeouf is played by Wesley from Star Trek, Wil Wheaton.

Wil Wheaton:
I have a science requirement, you moron!

Picard:
Shut up, Wesley!

Nostalgia Critic:
I can't believe how badly this movie is written and I still can't believe that it was written by the late great John Hughes. None of these characters are likable and the ones that are are either stupid or have serious psychological issues. But to be fair, maybe it was the other writer. I mean, there were two writers on this movie: John Hughes and this other guy. Maybe it was the other guy. I mean, in my opinion, I think it would be very difficult to find a film that was not only bad, but worse than this movie that was only written by John Hugh-. [Home Alone 3 poster appears followed by the Shock Horror music] Oh, snap.

Nostalgia Critic:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I'M THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! Not the Pussified-Emotional-Cries-over?-every-Sesame-Street-related-m?otion-picture-epic-where-every?-person-puppet-and-occasional-?animated-animal-tugs-at-your-h?eartstrings- CRITIC!

Chester A. Bum:
here's this lady, who looks like one of my acid fantasies...

Chester A. Bum:
I ATE MY CAR THINKING IT WAS A COOKIE ONCE! Only it wasn't a cookie... or a car... IT WAS MAN!

Chester A. Bum:
Dude what is your deal? This is his home! GO BACK TO RUSSIA!

Nostalgia Critic:
So they come across a chocolate vampire who's a mascot for chocolate cereal. Clearly this is supposed to be Cap'n Crunch.

Count Chocool:
I am the undead. Alright? The undead, you-you're not dead, but you're not exactly living either. It's sorta like being in summer school. Ha ha ha ha. Aw come on that's funny, now that's funny. Let's not lose our senses of humor.

Nostalgia Critic:
You have to have one before you can lose it.

Nostalgia Critic:
What the hell is "Foodfight" and why does everybody want me to review it?

Researcher #1:
Well, according to our research, "Foodfight" is one of the worst, if not *the* worst animated film of all time.

Nostalgia Critic:
Worst? Like, worst worst?

Researcher #2:
It only came out last year, but it seems to be growing an underground following at a surprising rapid rate.

Researcher #1:
If our data serves correctly, this flop could be as popular as "The Room" and "Birdemic" combined. It could easily be the next big thing.

Researcher #2:
[pressing several buttons on her phone] Only a few online critics have reviewed it so far, which means its potential can still be milked like a lactating Clarabelle Cow.

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait a minute, so you're saying that if I jump aboard the bandwagon before it even becomes a bandwagon, I can be one of the frontrunners of the bandwagon?

Researcher #1:
Potentially.

Nostalgia Critic:
The film was supposed to be sort of the "Wreck-It Ralph" of food icons, combining copyrighted characters who are often seen in grocery aisles. It was also supposed to come out in 2002. But due to production problems, copyright issues and even someone stealing the footage... Really, somebody wants to steal this?... the film was tinkered, altered and pushed back ten years later. But thank God ten years doesn't make such a difference to such Hollywood giants like Hilary Duff, Chris Kattan, Eva Longoria, and 24/7 dodger of controversy, Charlie Sheen. I'm sure all these people will be just as big in 2012 as they were in 2002. [cut to a clip of the Looney Tunes cartoon "The Ducksters"]

Man in audience:
[calling out] YOU'LL BE SORRY! [cut back to the Critic]

Nostalgia Critic:
There's even reports that $65,000,000 went into making this stinker. $65,000,000? Well, maybe it'll be like "Waterworld" where at the very least the size and scale of this can be impressive. So, let's find out by taking a look at "Foodfight".

[the Critic starts the movie, whose animation quality speaks for itself; it is pretty bad]

Nostalgia Critic:
$65,000,000, folks! Clearly, the money is on the screen. By God, look at this! How can that amount of money go into something that's so shitty-looking? Was someone actually deranged enough to team up Uwe Boll and Tommy Wiseau as this film's budget accountants? The money laundering from this must be a loophole black hole!

[In reference to Chuck Norris' appearance]

Nostalgia Critic:
It's okay. Your Fairy Beardmother is here.

[Repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
Chuck Norris wants to put himself in every man.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Glenn] You wanna know what I'm into? Child abuse. Lots of it. You wanna see a sample of that, you little sh*t?

Nostalgia Critic:
So the kid is given a foster home with a perfectly nice couple, which of course he HATES.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Glenn] Uhh... f*** adoption. F***, f***, f*** adoption.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Randolph] I hope you make no connection to that animal, whatsoever. I don't wanna see any of that kindred spirit stuff.

Lori Petty as Rae:
You really messed up our observation area.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, well, you messed up Tank Girl.

Nostalgia Critic:
It's the least I can offer after he broke into my theme park, vandalized my walls and disturbed my whale.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Dial] Well, at least I've still got my white shark insurance at Sea World.

Nostalgia Critic:
So Jesse is now working there as a professional... boy.

Nostalgia Critic:
Jesus, I swear this guy is a robot.

Nostalgia Critic:
So why was this movie such a big hit? Because Michael Jackson did the song for it. I think he's the only reason this movie made money. He was still, like one of the biggest things in the world at the time, so if he said, "Hee hee, watch this whale". People are gonna watch that f***ing whale.

Nostalgia Critic:
But like I said, it's not a terrible movie. I mean it's not as bad as something like... A Troll in Central - Nope! Nope, nope, nope, I know how this works. If I say the entire title that means I have to review it next week. Yeah, I know this joke. I'm not doing it. There is no way that you're going to get me to say A Troll in Central Park... F***!

Nostalgia Critic:
This is a story about a boy and his Willy... let me try that again. This is a story about a boy and his relationship with his little whale... no. This is a story about a boy who likes to hang on to his big fish... okay, it's not what you think. It has Michael Jackson in it... okay, forget it.

Nostalgia Critic:
Wow, what first-year Photoshop student put that title together?

Dial:
Oh, God, I hate that whale.

Nostalgia Critic:
And yet, I like Gilmore Girls. Weird, huh?

Jesse:
You're still a beautiful animal, though.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, real streetwise kid as I said. [in tough guy voice] Yo, I ain't playin', man, this is the real deal! Hey, you don't like it, shove it out your piehole! [gently] You're such a beautiful animal.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Dwight] Oh, hey, a supportive black person looking out for a lost white person. Gosh, I haven't seen that in a movie since... every movie ever made, I think.

Dwight:
Nobody's heard from your mom in six years, Jesse.

Nostalgia Critic:
Your father, on the other hand, wrote you another letter from prison. He says... [opens letter and looks at it] I'll tell you when you're older.

Jesse:
I'm outta here. I'm going to California.

Jimmy Woods:
[inserted clip] California.

Nostalgia Critic:
Shut up.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Full House] You know what this is? This is the life of people in picture frames. No issues, no real dilemmas, just a bunch of cuddly inconveniences. This family makes Norman Rockwell look BUTCH. Grow some balls, will ya!

Danny:
[to D.J] But you've still got me.

Stephanie:
You've got me too.

Nostalgia Critic:
And me.

Linkara:
And me.

Benzaie:
And me.

That Chick with the Goggles:
And me.

Angry Joe:
And me.

Nostalgia Critic:
For those of you blessed without the knowledge of this show, I'll fill you in. "Full House" ran in the late '80s and the early '90s on ABC's Friday lineup, TGIF, which usually had about four family-friendly sitcoms that always got called back toward depressing reality by ending with "20/20". Thank you, Hugh Downs.

[the Critic looks closely at a label on Michelle's shirt, which reads "Manufactured by Planet Volplax"]

Nostalgia Critic:
OH MY GOD! The Olsen twins are mutant alien robots bent on world domination! I knew it all along!

Nostalgia Critic:
Knowing Bob Saget the way we know him now, this is actually really funny to watch. Anyone who watches Bob Saget's standup knows that he is a raunchy, raunchy man. And you know that saying all this family-friendly bullshit is probably just killing him. In fact, let's compare Dan Tanner and Bob Saget for a second, shall we?

[Bob Saget as Danny is shown]

Danny:
I know exactly how you feel. And I know how much you girls miss your mother.

Bob Saget:
[doing standup] I banged half the girls in the room, and that is f***ing... Not true, I have not banged anyone here. I've stuck my pinkie in your butts, a couple of you.

Danny:
She was devastated. It broke my heart to see the tears in her eyes.

Bob Saget:
F*** that sh*t. No, thanks, I'm good. Do not... Kids, don't f*** that sh*t, you'll get an infection. You listen to me.

Nostalgia Critic:
Dan Tanner? Blow. Bob Saget?

[imitating the Joker]

Nostalgia Critic:
You... are my number-one... guy!

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Michelle] I guess this was the character who stole the show, or would, if there was anything of value to steal. For some reason, the Olsen twins really took off and made a video series that literally transformed them into millionaires. I swear it also transformed them into Barbie dolls, but to be fair, I think the dolls were a little less plastic.

[in realizing that the Olsen twins are alien robots bent on world domination, the Critic goes out to warn the world, only to run into - the twins themselves]

Olsen Twins:
[creepy voices] Come play with us, Critic... Come play with us... Come play with us, Critic... Forever and ever and ever and ever...

Nostalgia Critic:
[terrified, pulls out a gun] *TWIIIIIIINS!* [he fires the gun at the twins' heads, blowing them up]... I did it. They're dead. Can you believe them, trying to take over the world?

M. Bison:
Of course!

Nostalgia Critic:
Of course. Well, seeing as they are in fact dead, I'll just turn around and return to my regular duties... 'cause, you know, they're dead. It's not like they're going to pop up anywhere, anywhere else especially on my way back to the room. So, I'm just going to make that turn that I talked about just a second ago. And here I go. [he does a dramatic behind and finds... nothing] You see? Nothing there.

Olsen Twins:
[suddenly appearing again] Uh-huh.

Nostalgia Critic:
So, I'll just go back to work and... [He suddenly stammers as he realizes the twins are alive again and start attacking him]

Nostalgia Critic:
[looking irritated] I really hope you people appreciate what I do for you, 'cause let me tell you, it's not always easy.

[gets frustrated]

Nostalgia Critic:
The stupid-ass sh*t that I gotta sit through is just...

[calmer]

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, it's not always fun. I mean, a bad movie is one thing; that's, like, two hours. But to watch episode upon episode of manufactured pwescious sh*t, or "pweshit", as I like to call it, quite often, it's just more than I can bear. The only upside I have is that I get to share my misery with the people who requested it in the first place. With that said... "Full House".

Nostalgia Critic:
So, what's the story you're pleading me not to tell you? Well, the world's raunchiest family icon, Bob Saget, plays a character named Dan, who just lost his wife to the always horrible... insert-name-here disease. He lives in San Francisco with his three daughters: DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle, played by the pair of twins often mistaken for talented, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. But raising three girls is tough! So Dan calls upon a guitar player who is not cool and a comedian who is not funny. The mullet mimbo known as Jesse played by John Stamos, who is also Danny's brother-in-law, and Joey played by Dave Coulier. And if you think there's anything odd about three prissy guys living in a house with no women, you've clearly never been to San Francisco.

Nostalgia Critic:
Garfield is a great character. In many respects, he's kind of immortal. Much like the Looney Tunes or Mickey Mouse, even when he's not funny, we'll still watch him because he's timeless, and will last forever. That's how good a character he is. THIS in no way represents any of that!

Nostalgia Critic:
The stories were epic and the characters were fleshed out. Well - scaled out.

Nostalgia Critic:
So, why was Gargoyles such a kick-ass show? Lots of reasons... And you probably wanna know what they are.

Nostalgia Critic:
Cut to years later when a millionaire named Xanatos, played by Riker from Star Trek, actually goes to the trouble of raising the castle above the clouds resulting in probably the most epic yawn of all time.

Nostalgia Critic:
How come my mind never does what I tell it to?

Nostalgia Critic:
After the first two seasons were such a big hit, they went into their next and final season called "The Goliath Chronicles." This is where I kind of remember it getting weird. It wasn't horrible, but it just wasn't as strong as it used to be. Xanatos is now a full-time friend, Demona was rarely seen, and the villains were replaced by these weird sort of gargoyle KKK rejects called the Quarrymen. That's... really lame. The stories were a lot weirder, too. For example, there's an episode where Broadway becomes a TV star, and another one where Goliath actually goes on trial. I wouldn't be surprised if there was an episode entitled "Shark Jumping and You."

Nostalgia Critic:
This show came on while I was in the middle of high school, around the point when you kind of stop watching kid's cartoons. So the rare time someone would mention this show, I'd be like... [He acts as though he is denying the existence of the show]... Gar-what? Garwhuh - I don't know any "Gargoyle-" I-ge-je-buh-PFFT! But in secret, I would be watching every one of them, because it was just that good. I don't know if it really changed anything in terms of kid's shows like "Batman" or "Animaniacs," but it was certainly a welcome detour from what Disney usually did. It really stood on its own and created some really wonderful and really unique stories. "Gargoyles" is a blast from the past that is sure to live on in the future.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it- [Suddenly becomes angry] -Because you won't f***ing shut up! I mean, by God, ever since I reviewed the first Ghost Rider movie, all you guys have been saying is "Review Ghost Rider 2! Review Ghost Rider 2! It's so much worse than the first one!" Well, fine, you... barking dogs of entitlement! [picks up the DVD] Here's the goddamn DVD! [picks up remote] Here's the goddamn remote! Let's goddamn watch it!

Mike J.:
I found a way to record myself onto every Ghost Rider 2 DVD in the world.

Nostalgia Critic:
Really?

Mike J.:
Yeah, it was... actually quite easy.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hmm.

Mike J.:
I've done it because no reviewer, not even the Nostalgia Critic, who has re-reviewed about ten films I reviewed, but we'll just ignore that all together, because I can let things go like that, should have to sit through this flaming skull of dog sh*t alone.

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait, how do you know everything I'm going to say?

Mike J.:
Because this movie is actually so repetitive and predictable, it's actually given me the ability to predict everything in the world which is mediocre.

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait a minute, that means you think I'm mediocre!

Mike J.:
Yeah, but you get the views.

Mike J.:
Oh my god, it's Heimdall from Thor!

Nostalgia Critic:
No it's not. It's just the same actor

Mike J.:
No, all the Marvel movies must be connected! He came through the Rainbow Bridge to have Ghost Rider join the Avengers! This created a time paradox, where The Human Torch became Captain America, Bruce Banner would get plastic surgery, twice, and Howard the Duck would exist in a universe where he can actually be funny! Now, what doesn't make sense about that?

Nostalgia Critic:
Why Stan Lee was in Princess Diaries 2?

Mike J.:
Damn those movies! Always f***ing up the Marvel canon!

Nostalgia Critic:
My God. They use actual meat. No raccoons at all.

Ed:
Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

Nostalgia Critic:
You certainly can, Ed. You certainly can. DIE!

Nostalgia Critic:
I can safely say I am not the least bit happy. Why? Because I have to review what many consider to be a double order of bullshit with extra crap and a side of dick-cheese. The fast food abomination simply known as Good Burger.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Robert Wuhl] Hey, I don't need this. I had a cameo in Batman.

Nostalgia Critic:
Abe Vigoda, what are you doing? Is there just really no movie that you'll say no to?

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait a minute, are you actually trying to have a moment? Are you actually trying to emote... an emotion? Other than disgust? I'm sorry, but it's a little hard to get into this "moment" when one of the last scenes we saw was...

Otis:
I think I broke my ass.

Kurt:
If anyone can get the sauce out of Ed, she can.

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, I don't wanna know HOW she gets the sauce out of Ed. I just assume that's private.

Nostalgia Critic:
My God, Hallmark cards are funnier than this!

Nostalgia Critic:
Hold on, will somebody give Abe some direction back there? Give'im a cookie or something? I mean, come on, that's Abe Vigoda, not a dish rag! He's the funniest thing in this movie and I don't even think he's supposed to be there!

Nostalgia Critic:
Abuse to women is funny.

Nostalgia Critic:
This is crap! This is godawful! Good Burger? Good God, what a load of sh*t! It's like if sh*t could sh*t and that sh*t could sh*t and that sh*t could sh*t and that sh*t could raise money to put together a team of filmmakers to produce a steaming pile of flaming violent sh*t!

Ed:
Is it because I'm black?

Nostalgia Critic:
Ah! A funny joke!

Dexter:
Here you go, Ed, you get to keep $13.00.

Ed:
Wow, that's almost $14.00.

Nostalgia Critic:
Wow, that IS the stupidest thing I ever heard, plain and simple.

Tumbleweed:
You know what? F*** it.

Dexter:
What is this, American Gladiators?

Nostalgia Critic:
What is that, a joke?

Nostalgia Critic:
Stay back, men, I think that's real ketchup.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh that's right, smack your ass. Show us what a delightful character you are, you little troublemaker.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, don't get philosophical with me, kid. It's not that kind of movie. [as Ed] We're all born to die, sir.

Nostalgia Critic:
Mondo Burger is people!

Ed:
Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

Nostalgia Critic:
No, but you can take this... [gives him the finger] And shove it up hard!

Mr. Wheat:
Why, why would this man give us a test on the last day of school before summer starts, well I'm gonna tell you why, because... the MIND never sleeps.

Nostalgia Critic:
Right on, my... mid-70s, early '80s, Black Panther, hippie environmentalist, blaxploitation, flower child... brother?

Nostalgia Critic:
So Ed tries to convince his boss that Dexter should begin the job at Good Burger.

Ed:
Hey, Mr. Bailey, this guy needs a job. Can he have one?

Mr. Bailey:
No!

Nostalgia Critic:
End of movie. Bye. [gets up to leave]

Ed:
Come on, Mr. Bailey, he really needs one... [Critic gives up and sits back down]

Shaq:
I feel hungry.

Nostalgia Critic:
Take the food, take anything, just PLEASE don't do any rapping!

Nostalgia Critic:
Uh-oh, how's Ed gonna screw up this time? Oh, Ed, you nincompoop. But I'll bet it will all work out in the end somehow, it always does. Uh-oh, it looks like all those chemicals are causing the burgers to explode. That's so out of the ordinary, I dare call it wacky. You people had better run faster, there's no telling what other zany antics could follow. Ooh, it's that character nobody likes. Do you think he'll get his comeuppance in the end? That all depends, do you want CHEESE on that? Oh ho ho, looks like God is finally smoted you for making Jingle All the Way, Sinbad.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Richard the Rooster] Oooooh, Gordy! While you were busy with the Hindenburg disaster, Osama bin Laden came back to life, turned into a Transformer, and is destroying Chicago with the Dark of the Moon!

Jinni Sue:
[to Gordy] Goodnight, Pinky.

Nostalgia Critic:
[with a southern accent] Child, did you say goodnight to your vagina? Don't make me force the Bible on something I find confusin'!

Nostalgia Critic:
[singing] I'm full of Christmas semen./I don't know what it is but it's hot!/It's like Heaven's orgasm/Inside an oatmeal cookie shot.

Nostalgia Critic:
And honestly, I know I'm gonna sound really weird and perverted for saying it, but Grandma's kinda hot. [audience jeers] Don't give me that. Okay, look, I swear I'm not into 80-year-old women, but look at the way they drew her: just take away two lines, change the hair, maybe lose the glasses. She's kind of a bombshell. I don't know what "old" women the director's been looking at, but... are they single?

Nostalgia Critic:
Spankenheimer? Sounds like a German porno that takes place in an S&M dungeon. [in German accent] Guttentaug, I am Spankenheimer und this is lover, F***figneugen.

Grandpa:
We had to chop our trees down by hand. I'll never forget the time I had to use a beaver for a chainsaw.

Grandma:
Last time you told it, it was a woodpecker.

Nostalgia Critic:
[after short pause] So let me get this straight: a penis-shaped tree is reminding you of the time when you confused a beaver for a pecker? The song would be a lot more interesting if you included this stuff in it.

Singer:
[singing, to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"] Critic didn't like this part.

Nostalgia Critic:
I don't like this part.

Singer:
[singing] Should we also dictate farts?

Nostalgia Critic:
What, are you gonna dictate farts?... What the hell are you doing?

Singer:
[singing] I'm singing what you are saying.

Nostalgia Critic:
Why? It's like putting the Adam West theme in The Dark Knight. There's no reason for it.

Singer:
[singing] Well they're good enough on their own/ All we got's a Grand-MILF to bone.

Nostalgia Critic:
Will you stop trying to make old ladies hot?

Policewoman:
Better get lookin' for the old broad.

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait a minute, did she just say looking for the old broad?

Policewoman:
Better get lookin' for the old broad.

Nostalgia Critic:
The hell kinda family special is this? Somehow I have a feeling the original song didn't have such choice lyrics.

[singing]

Nostalgia Critic:
The old broad got run over by a reindeer / Lousy b*tch was blind as a one-eyed whore.

Nostalgia Critic:
[singing] 'Cause it's snowing/I love shopping/And I fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-f***ing love Christmas.

Nostalgia Critic:
Merry Christmas. I know a lot of you were expecting me to have some sort of big explosion of joy and cheer like I do all the other years, but... a lot of people have been saying, "That was kinda scary, and not really keeping with the Christmas spirit." So, to keep me more relaxed, I have a Chill-Pill patch, so it'll keep me completely under control. [shows off a Chill-Pill patch on his neck] So, this year, things are gonna be a bit more traditional. We have a fireplace, decorations; we even have snow. [Snowflakes start falling - indoors] I have no idea how that's possible.

Nostalgia Critic:
Why, hello, Malcolm and Tamara! Got some cookies and eggnog for us this holiday season?

Tamara:
Yes, to relax us in this time of... This isn't right.

Nostalgia Critic:
Huh?

Tamara:
This is Christmas. You should be able to celebrate it however you want to.

Nostalgia Critic:
Sorry, Tamara, but I don't want to scare the sweet people at home with my disturbing obsession. I want to be relaxed, soothing, marketable. That's what people like.

Malcolm:
Yeah, you weren't here the previous years. Trust me, this is for the best.

Tamara:
[frustrated] This isn't right! [she leaves]

Malcolm:
[whispering to the Critic] You're doing great! [Malcolm leaves, too]

Nostalgia Critic:
And seeing as we are having a much more calm and subdued Christmas, we're going to celebrate with a traditional calm, subdued Christmas special. Here's a little ditty I like to call "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"... Mostly because it's called "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer".

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And do you wanna know what I remember? [Pulls out Teddy Ruxpin doll] This hideous thing! Teddy Ruxpin, one of the creepiest toys that ever hit the market! Aside from being dull, annoying and hideously ugly, Teddy Ruxpin is just downright scary. He's a mechanical doll that actually comes to life when you pop a cassette in. Watch. [Puts a cassette into Teddy Ruxpin]

Teddy Ruxpin:
[singing] Come dream with me tonight.

Nostalgia Critic:
Ugh. God, it's just one step away from getting a robot to totally look after your kids. It's stupid, it's creepy, and it deserves to be shelved. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

Nostalgia Critic:
[waking up] Oh, it's you. How'd you get up here?

Teddy Ruxpin:
I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I really, really like you.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, well I don't like you, you little Berenstein bastard.

Teddy Ruxpin:
I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I want to do horrible things to you.

Nostalgia Critic:
[Awkwardly] That's an... odd thing to say.

Teddy Ruxpin:
I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I want to *kill* you.

Nostalgia Critic:
[still awkwardly] Okay, I think I'm just gonna take that little demented tape out of you right now and...

[looks behind Teddy Ruxpin to remove the tape from him, only to notice it missing; his eyes widen in shock]

Teddy Ruxpin:
I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I didn't care very much for that review you did.

[the Critic looks at Teddy nervously]

Teddy Ruxpin:
Nostalgia Critic...

[the Critic yelps and throws Teddy across the room, then runs out of the room]

[the Critic had destroyed Teddy Ruxpin with a knife, but the toy somehow rebuilt himself, then pulls a gun on the Critic]

Teddy Ruxpin:
Now, are you going to write another review, or am I gonna have to get nasty?

Nostalgia Critic:
[terrified] Alright, alright, I'll do another review.

Teddy Ruxpin:
[laughs] I knew you'd see it my way.

Nostalgia Critic:
Just answer me one thing: what the hell are you?

Teddy Ruxpin:
You really want to know?

[the Critic nods; Teddy's voice turns demonic while his eyes turn red]

Teddy Ruxpin:
I'M THE DEVIL!

[from the Critic's perspective, Teddy turns into a demon; the Critic screams his head off]

[Teddy Ruxpin has forced the Critic to do a more positive review of him]

Nostalgia Critic:
[nervously; eyes twitching] As you can see, I've been totally wrong about Teddy Ruxpin. He's a good, good toy. Very friendly, very nice, and not the least bit homicidal. So, I recommend Teddy Ruxpin to anyone who has an active imagination. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't...

[suddenly screaming]

Nostalgia Critic:
HELP, HELP! THE TOY'S ALIVE, AND HE'S GONNA KILL ME!

[Teddy turns sharply to the Critic]

Nostalgia Critic:
HE'S GONNA KILL ME! HELP!

[suddenly, the room goes dark]

Nostalgia Critic:
WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS? WHO TURNED OFF...

[suddenly, he gets cut off the sound of a gunshot that flashes brightly in the dark; the Critic is silent]

Teddy Ruxpin:
[singing as his eyes glow red] Come dream with me tonight...

[the Critic, having had a run-in with a live Teddy Ruxpin, looks at himself in the mirror]

Nostalgia Critic:
That wasn't real. It was just a figment of your imagination. [laughs nervously] You gotta lay off the wacky tobacky.

Teddy Ruxpin:
Oh, Mr. Critic! [the Critic faces Teddy] Why did you say all those mean things about me?

Nostalgia Critic:
You're not real. You're just... a thing... that's not very real.

Teddy Ruxpin:
Oh dear. Then I guess I wouldn't be able to do... this. [Teddy charges at the Critic and bites him in the groin, causing the Critic to let out a scream of pain]

Nostalgia Critic:
Not utilizing an incredibly popular icon is like not utilizing an incredibly convenient cameo.

[looks to his left]

Nostalgia Critic:
Hey, you got any water around here?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[coming in, holding a glass of water] Oh, you want some water, eh?

[the Nerd pitches the water in the Critic's face, then leaves]

Nostalgia Critic:
MC Hammer is one of those people.

Nostalgia Critic:
Known as the music you play at a wedding when you wanna show how ironically white you are, MC Hammer used to be everywhere. He had the number-one rap album, concert, show appearances, commercials, he was all over the place. And at the height of his popularity, came what many consider to be the most embarrassing part of his entire career, and that's saying a lot, the MC Hammer cartoon, "Hammerman".

Nostalgia Critic:
Give Vanilla Ice some credit. He didn't even put a Saturday morning cartoon on TV. [shows a poster for "Cool as Ice"] No, he put his on the big screen to embarrass himself.

MC Hammer:
[lecturing on not doing graffiti, which is illegal and wrong] Next time you feel like doing a little artwork, do it on some paper. And who knows, you might end up drawing a cartoon like Hammerman one day!

Nostalgia Critic:
NO! You've got it the other way around! That should be the *punishment* for kids doing graffiti!

Nostalgia Critic:
I haven't seen this many wizards and fairies since last year's Gay Pride parade.

Nostalgia Critic:
Man I am looking forward to hundred and hundreds of pages to see how this turn... [peeks at the end] He lives. Thirty dollars wasted. I'm going to Hooters.

Nostalgia Critic:
They actually have a Potter's Butter Beer. Because nothing celebrates the release of a childrens' book like getting plastered off your ass.

Nostalgia Critic:
We're all gathered here to celebrate the release of the new Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Dorky Hallows... er, Deathly Hallows.

Nostalgia Critic:
Literally thousands of children, parents and very lonely adults have come out here to see what J.K. Rowling has farted up this time.

Nostalgia Critic:
There's a rumor going around that you are the son of Mary Poppins and Where's Waldo. What do you say to that?

Nostalgia Critic:
I gotta ask you, um, what poor sheep died to give you that beard?

Nostalgia Critic:
I just love Christmas specials that totally ignore Christmas.

Nostalgia Critic:
So they fly to the planet of New Jersey where they try to find the water crystal thingy to locate Orko.

She-Ra:
The beast monster!

Nostalgia Critic:
Isn't that a little redundant? Isn't that kind of like saying, "look out, the tortoise turtle! He's evil bad!"

Nostalgia Critic:
My God, those transforming robots are transforming into some kind of transformed evil. I think they're called... Care Bears.

Christopher Lloyd:
[Bow is zapped with a freeze ray as he is trying to shoot a bow and arrow] I was frozen today!

Nostalgia Critic:
[whimpers] This is gonna suck, isn't it?

Nostalgia Critic:
It's a car in space! The question is invalid!

Diamanda Hagan:
It's John Carter returning from Mars!

Nostalgia Critic:
You saw that?

Diamanda Hagan:
Someone had to.

Diamanda Hagan:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Nostalgia Critic:
I think so. But how can I get Catherine Zeta-Jones in a Batman outfit?

Diamanda Hagan:
I was thinking about Insano.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, yeah, Insano. [Beat] How can he get Catherine Zeta-Jones in a Batman outfit?

Nostalgia Critic:
Anyway, if it's one of the women on the site, I'm sure that I looking for a nice-looking piece of- [sees Diamanda] F***! Good god, oh sweet Jesus, don't hurt me!

Nostalgia Critic:
This isn't a movie! This is a series of horny fan-fiction that somehow got a budget!

Kiki:
If anybody says they're a better witch than me... I'll f*** 'em up!

Nostalgia Critic:
He recently passed away, but what he left behind will last forever. He directed such classics like The Breakfast Club, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and so forth. He also was a talented writer writing screenplays for the National Lampoon Vacation movies, Home Alone, Pretty in Pink, and many more. Yes, John Hughes certainly seemed like *The Voice of a Generation*. Then, Home Alone 2 came around. He wrote it and it sucked. Then, Baby's Day Out came around. He wrote it and it sucked. Then, 101 Dalmatians, Flubber, Just Visiting, Dennis the Menace, that shitty-ass Miracle on 34th Street remake, ONLY BY HIM!

Nostalgia Critic:
What happened? He was like The Voice and then he got lost to this slapstick inspired sh*t... or slapshit as I like to call it.

Nostalgia Critic:
How could such a great writer stoop us such an insulting, demeaning, and absolutely unentertaining low?

Nostalgia Critic:
[closing lines. Critic as John Hughes finishes typing on computer] There! I did it! I finally did it! I wrote the worst Home Alone script ever! [laughs] I know I'm contractually obligated to write at least one more movie, but this script is so bad that no studio would ever buy it! [laughs some more] What are they going to do? Hire the director of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" to direct this? [laughs some more] No studio's that stupid! [laughs some more] John Hughes, you are a genius! [laughs and carries his laptop to an area off-screen]

Studio Executive:
We'll take it! [ka-ching!]

Nostalgia Critic:
MY CAREER IS OVER!

[repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
MY Jack.

Nostalgia Critic:
Can you form a sentence out of these words: Up the f*** shut!

Nostalgia Critic:
Is it possible to make fun of a movie you like? I don't know, but I'm doing it.

Peter Banning:
Jack, you're in charge now. This is my very special watch, so you can keep track of the time.

Christopher Walken:
[inserted clip from Pulp Fiction] I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass two years.

Nostalgia Critic:
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I don't believe in fairies. [Flora from Sleeping Beauty drops from the sky; Critic shrugs and walks off]

Nostalgia Critic:
On their way, she sprinkles some fairy dust on a kissing couple and they fly up in the air. It's a cute joke, but something about that couple seems familiar. It's George Lucas and Carrie Fisher? I swear to God that's not a joke. George Lucas and Carrie Fisher are the couple kissing on that bridge. Go, neurotic fan-fiction writers, to your keyboards! A new world of sexual Star Wars fantasies awaits you!

Film Brain:
[inserted clip] Symbolism!

Nostalgia Critic:
What was that?

Captain Hook:
I want my WAR!

Nostalgia Critic:
The Ninjas must *die!*

Captain Hook:
It's Peter Pan.

Nostalgia Critic:
I recognize him from his peanut butter.

Nostalgia Critic:
You know, it's at times like these I wish the pirates of Neverland would join forces with the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Nostalgia Critic:
Dude, was there f***ing smoke on that ball? Smee is a f***ing Olympian!

Nostalgia Critic:
[as Peter is fighting some pirates, another group just stands still in the background] Uh, feel free to join in, guys. A super hyper adult-child with a sword is not easy to battle one on one.

Nostalgia Critic:
Fortunately, the Goonies of the Caribbean show up to give Peter some much needed help.

Rufio:
[dying in Peter's arms] Do you know what I wish? I wish I had a dad... like you.

Nostalgia Critic:
That and... not getting stabbed would have been nice.

Captain Hook:
Peter! I swear to you, wherever you go, wherever you are. I VOW there will always be daggers baring notes signed James Hook. They will be flung into doors of your children's children's children.

Nostalgia Critic:
You've seen Hollywood make sequels out of worse scenarios. This must end TODAY!

Captain Hook:
After all, what would the world be like without... Captain Hook?

Nostalgia Critic:
Probably like a world without bean chairs. Some would notice, but not a huge loss.

Lost Boy:
*That* was a *great* game.

Nostalgia Critic:
[mimicking] YOU are a BAD actor.

Nostalgia Critic:
So they call the police as Detective Phil Collins here comes in to look over the situation. I'm not even kidding. That's really Phil Collins. IMDb it. It's totally him.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Peter Banning] Dude, how big a killjoy is this jerk? [as child] Dad, is there a Santa Claus? [as himself] No! [as child] Is there an Easter bunny? [as himself] No, we made that up too. [as child] Is there a God? [as himself] Well scientifically speaking, they've never proven that God exists, so probably not. In fact, the majority of religions, if not all religions, are completely false. [child cries] Oh, WHAT?

Peter Banning:
Someone give me a hand.

Captain Hook:
I already have. [crowd ooh's]

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh yes... I went there.

Toodles:
Lost, lost, lost.

Peter Banning:
Lost what?

Toodles:
I've lost my marbles.

Nostalgia Critic:
Pray to God you laughed at that joke, because this movie has at least three variations of it.

Peter Banning:
[reading message from Captain Hook] Dear Peter, your presence is required at the request of your children. Kindest personal reguards, JAS Hook, Captain.

Nostalgia Critic:
P.S., I don't care what anyone says, I really liked License to Wed.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating Tinkerbell] I've been waiting here 9 hours in this dress just praying that you'd stumble on to this. Thank you for stumbling on to this.

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, so if he went to Neverland to never grow up, then why is he constantly growing up? He was a baby then he was a boy and now he's a freakin' teenager? I'd sue Neverland for f***ing false advertising.

Nostalgia Critic:
That's five major plot holes in the past five minutes. Five major plot holes. What the hell happened? You were doing pretty good up until then. What, did the writers of Lost come in and explain everything?

Nostalgia Critic:
So we cut to the next day at his son's game... why Santa Christ is the umpire, I have no idea.

Captain Hook:
And you'd better deliver, Miss Bell, or no amount of clapping will bring you back from where I will send you.

Nostalgia Critic:
There's a buttcrack with YOUR name on it.

Captain Hook:
Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have decided to cancel the war.

Nostalgia Critic:
I will instead run Ernest Goes to Camp. [audience aw's]

Nostalgia Critic:
[to the tune of the "DuckTales" theme] Duck Tits, woo-hoo!

Howard:
Oh no, it's a quake!

Nostalgia Critic:
Don't you mean a quack?

Howard:
No one laughs at a master of quack-fu.

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, the obvious joke should've been "tae quack do", but we'll let it slide.

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Dr. Jenning as the Evil Overlord] My god, he's transformed into Cobra Commander!

Nostalgia Critic:
A long time ago, a young filmmaker named George Lucas helped create a parallel dimension in a galaxy far, far away. It's a strange world with bizarre aliens and unbelievable creatures. A world that the sci-fi community will never, ever forget. [gets slightly agitated] Okay, the punchline is "Howard the Duck".

Nostalgia Critic:
So we see Howard in his parallel world where he lives in an apartment of in-jokes. He sits around drinking beers, smoking cigars, and reading the latest edition of Playduck. You know, a kids' movie!

Nostalgia Critic:
[in response to seeing a female duck's breast] What is the point? You're making a kids' film starring a cute little ducky, and you start out with *duck tits*? Are you mad? What creepy pervert thought that up? [an image of George Lucas quickly flashes on the screen] I mean, this movie is rated PG, right? This is considered PG material? Are you seriously telling me that showing female breasts is wrong, but showing Daisy's knockers isn't going to cause any psychological damage? I think the people who rated this movie had psychological damage! I mean... EEEEEWW!

Beverly:
[to Howard] What am I gonna do with you?

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, roasted or extra crispy comes to mind.

Howard:
Every duck's got his limit. [cut to another scene] No more Mr. Nice Duck. [cut to still another scene] This is obviously no place for an intelligent duck.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, um... Just to check, how many more puns are there going to be where you simply insert the word "duck" in the common everyday phrases... [a shot of Howard is shown with the message "1,358 More"; the Critic takes out a bottle of Jack Daniels] Okay, I'm just gonna have this on standby. I hope you don't mind.

Nostalgia Critic:
[as Howard and Beverly chat with each other] YOU KNOW YOU'RE TALKING TO A DUCK, RIGHT?

Nostalgia Critic:
For all the strange things George Lucas has done, whether it be bad... [shows off a poster for "Star Wars: The Clone Wars"]... unnecessary... [shows off a poster for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"]... or just downright racist... [shows off an image of Jar Jar Binks]... nothing compares to the weird cinematic bomb that he actually made the strange choice of producing: "Howard the Duck". And if you think Jar Jar Binks was bad... he still is, but this is a creation that equally matches that theatrical travesty.

Nostalgia Critic:
[looking at Howard] Look at this thing. It looks like Donald Duck's missing nephew, Drunky.

Nostalgia Critic:
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Ducks are from some parallel dimension where apparently they have duck tits. And no shame.

Evil Overlord:
I am now one of the dark overlords of the universe.

Nostalgia Critic:
[imitating the Evil Overlord] And your mother sucks c*cks in hell! BLAAAAAH!

Howard:
Where am I?

Beverly:
Cleveland.

Howard:
Cleveland? Uh-huh, that's a perfect weird name for this planet.

Beverly:
Planet? No, no, that's a city. The planet's called Earth... I think.

Nostalgia Critic:
"Earth, I think"? Yeah, um... just to check, this idiotic waif isn't going to play any major part in this movie, by any chance, is she?

[a shot of Beverly is shown with the message "Love Interest"]

Nostalgia Critic:
[pouring a shot of Jack Daniels] Okay, bottoms up.

Beverly:
[about the villain] He's in a bad mood!

Nostalgia Critic:
I REALLY hope she dies.

Doug Walker:
On January 23, 2014 former Channel Awesome producer Justin Carmical committed suicide. This is something that has raised a lot of confusion and a lot of questions because anyone who knew Justin knew this didn't seem in character with him. It simply didn't make sense to us because the Justin that we came across and we remembered was always positive. He was always upbeat. He was always talkative. Even if you were in a bad mood or if you were in an awkward situation or if something wasn't comfortable he would always start talking. He would always try to cheer you up and try to make you feel better. And I think the reason that Justin is *really* something special is because, despite knowing what we know now, we will still remember him as this upbeat, cheerful, positive wonderful human being and that's because he has shared so much of that positivity with us. He has shared so much goodness with us. So, this is a collection of, certainly not all, but many of the times that he has gone out of his way to make us feel better. To entertain. To make us laugh and just share so much with us. So, to you Justin, just thank you so much for sharing so much with us.

[this is Team 80s Dan's reaction to "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"]

80s Dan:
Horrendous!

Dolly:
Poppy sh*t.

80s Dan:
It's horrendous poppy sh*t.

Travis Crabtree:
Anus bubble.

Mrs. Crabtree:
Cancer sore.

Travis Crabtree:
Vomit dick.

Dolly:
Douche sucker.

80s Dan:
Turd!

R.O.B. the Robot:
Well, I, for one, loved it.

Travis Crabtree:
Shut up, R.O.B.

R.O.B. the Robot:
You're a dick!

[canned studio laughter]

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Short Round] Is there anything more annoying than someone that just screams every other line they say? [screaming] I MEAN, THAT'S REALLY OBNOXIOUS!

Nostalgia Critic:
[in the movie, Indy grabs a fork and holds Willie hostage with it] Our hero, everybody! When he's not holding knives to women's backs, he's drowning puppies in buckets of poison. Then again, I guess Indy always has been a bit of a prick when it comes to helping women. He holds a knife to his future love interest. He finds his other girlfriend kidnapped, only to leave her behind. He has another chance to save her, but throws it away just to see what's in the box! And Elsa? Well... she was a Nazi anyway.

[the cast of 80s Dan think "Temple of Doom" is the best Indiana Jones movie ever, while "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" is the absolute worst ever]

Nostalgia Critic:
I'm sorry, I can't let this fly!

80s Dan:
What are you talking about, 80s Doug?

Nostalgia Critic:
"Temple of Doom" sucks!

[the cast of 80s Dan all vehemently disagree]

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, I know people really hate "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull", but how come "Temple of Doom" always gets a free pass? It has some of the silliest scenarios, the stupidest lines, and the most obnoxious characters! So how come this one usually gets overlooked whenever talking about bad Indiana Jones flicks?

80s Dan:
Because it's awesome.

Nostalgia Critic:
It's not! It's terrible! And to prove it, I'm gonna go over it and show just how freakin' silly this film is!

80s Dan:
[scoffs] You're gonna find something silly in an Indiana Jones film?

[scoffs again]

80s Dan:
Good luck there, pal.

Nostalgia Critic:
[smugly] Let's begin.

Nostalgia Critic:
[during the dining scene] You know, as a person who loves Indian food, I should be insulted by how culturally insensitive this is, but if there is a culture that can make this stuff taste good, by God, it's the Indian culture! So I'll give it a pass. [in the movie, they open up monkey heads to reveal chilled monkey brains to eat, much to Willie's disgust] Oh, come on, lady. What do you think you're gonna eat when the original caretaker from "The Shining" is at the head of your table?

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, at least to its credit, it does start off like an Indiana Jones movie. I mean, you got the mountains, the rough and gruff tone, the epic feel of adventure, the...

[the scene opens on Club Obi-Wan where Willie dances and sings with a group of other female performers]

Nostalgia Critic:
...dancing Broadway singer, the line chorus, the tap-dancing number? Did I just pop in a copy of "That's Entertainment" by mistake? What the hell is this? Would you ever guess this is an Indiana Jones movie just by the opening?

80s Dan:
That's why it's so great! It plays with your expectations, and it catches you off-guard.

Nostalgia Critic:
But it has nothing to do with anything. I keep expecting the cast of "Blazing Saddles" to bust in!

[in the movie, Indy's friend, waiter Wu Han, gets shot and killed, while the Critic think he's just "a wasted script page"]

Nostalgia Critic:
Farewell, totally pointless Lucas character. You'll be buried next to Mac from "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and the Bothans from "Star Wars".

Nostalgia Critic:
[frustrated with Willie] That's it, I'm changing my Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress. I'm switching her out with Jubilee, and putting Willie in the number five spot. Yeah, Jubilee's fashion sense is much weirder, but you know what? She f***ing tried! Her? [Willie is whining about being outdoors; the Critic groans] Christ! Take her out, Marion! [Marion Ravenwood fires a gun at Willie, causing her head to explode] By god, she's awesome!

Nostalgia Critic:
[about Mola Ram] Oh, no, it's the Manos: Hands of Fate guy. Hey, give some credit; that guy's phony-baloney nonsense is probably closer to a real religion than this one is.

[repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
What the f*** are you doing?

Nostalgia Critic:
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it because I f***ing want that hamburger phone. Somebody get me that hamburger phone. I'm not leaving till you do. Cut to the credits, see if it makes a dif- [credits roll]

Nostalgia Critic:
The answer will be revealed in... [opens envelope and looks at slip of paper; screams] Another f***ing flashback!

Nostalgia Critic:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but first you gotta throw'em.

Nostalgia Critic:
[drunk] I'm playing the Stephen King drinking game.

Spider Sam:
Good God! That game's been known to kill!

Boy:
[looking at a dirty magazine] You think our moms look like that?

Nostalgia Critic:
I did not just hear that.

Boy:
Hey, Jack, you ever get a boner?

Nostalgia Critic:
I did not just hear THAT!

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, Ford Coppola, a little lesson on boys, seeing how you clearly never were one. Boys don't ask about this stuff, we just act like we know it and horribly make fun of the other dumb boys who actually ask about this stuff.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Christmas. I Christmas so Christmas Christmas... CHRISTMAS!

Nostalgia Critic:
[the scene spins around and around] I think I'm gonna hurl! [Snowman first appears] I think I'm gonna hurl!

Nostalgia Critic:
To me, there's only two times of year: Christmas and "f*** you, when the hell is Christmas?"

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait... is that a chained up Superman with Batman's head? What twisted weird-ass thought that up? [pause] Michael Keaton shall come back as THAT!

Nostalgia Critic:
Jack Frost is jack sh*t. The premise is stupid, the premise is stupid, and did I mention the fact that the PREMISE IS F***ING STUPID!

Nostalgia Critic:
[after watching Jack's car drive off a cliff and crash the movie cuts to one year later] I mean, good lord, that was terrible! Where'd they get the transitions from? Cast Away? I mean, that was kind of a huge leap, movie! What, you're just trying to brush death off like a lot of those awkward Disney films? [cut to Jack's car crashing off the cliff then switching to Bambi]

Charlie:
Nobody knows about this place. I come here to think.

Nostalgia Critic:
You don't come here often then, do you?

British Announcer:
We are live at a press conference here in Chicago, Illinois, where we hear that any minute, The Nostalgia Critic is going to make a public appearance addressing his last video. For those who are unaware, the Nostalgia Critic posted a Let's Play of "Bart's Nightmare" last week, which was considered by many to be so horrendously unfunny, that they would rather shove a needle factory up their scrotums. OH! And here is the Nostalgia Critic preparing to explain his actions.

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello everyone, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, uh, I remember it so you don't have to. Uh, they allowed me a short amount of time out of the Internet State Penitentiary. Little surprised to see that place actually existed. But apparently it's right next to the State Home for the Ugly. So, they allowed me a short time out to answer your questions addressing the video I did last week. Uh, yes?

Reporter Lady:
How does it feel to know that you made the absolute worst Let's Play ever to be put on the internet?

Nostalgia Critic:
Bad. Definitely, uh, bad! Uh, but hopefully I can make some more funny videos and move on from there. Yes?

Male Reporter:
I had a robber break into my house, kill my wife, and eat my children. Uh, he's not as bad as you.

Nostalgia Critic:
Thank you for that. And, uh, I'm very sorry for your loss

Male Reporter:
Don't give me your pity.

Nostalgia Critic:
Uh, yes?