The Smoking Room

Sally:
What's that book where they're all behind the wardrobe?

Robin:
Anne Frank?

Sally:
Narnia, like those Narnia books

Annie:
It wasn't the food at his party was it?

Robin:
Why are you asking me? I'm not Quincy!

Annie:
Because I had a whole plate of those mini tartlets

Robin:
I think he just dropped dead

Annie:
Phew! Well, here's hoping eh?

Clint:
I saw this video once yeah, they was all dressed up like Marie Antoinette, well they wore the wigs. Let them eat cock it was called.

Annie:
We're all just here to learn a lesson, and once it's sunk in we move on to a higher plain.

Sally:
Where do you pick up this crap?

Annie:
On my mystic mug. A friend brought it back from Goa, it's covered in holy writings and when you drain the dregs you can see Vishnu giving you four thumbs up.

[Barry has been told that he has three minutes until he's interviewed - Barry is dreading it]

Lilian:
Oh let's face it Barry. Another 15 minutes wouldn't really have helped your chances.

Monique:
Yeah she's right [gesturing to herself] They're either looking for new ideas and fresh input [points at Barry] or the devil they know.

Annie:
I've lost two people and I'm still able to smoke!

Sally:
You haven't lost two people. You've lost someone who just worked in the same building as you... and a rodent.

Robin:
[Annie bursts into slapstic tears] Oh her bunny rabits dead.

Len:
What? [Looks up at the sky] You piss-taking bastard!

Lilian:
When did it happen, sweetheart?

Sally:
[Annie mumbles something under her tears, Lilian looks at Sally, confused] Yesterday.

Sally:
[Annie mubles another thing, Lilian looks at Sally] It was hopping round her flat.

Sally:
[Annie mumbles another thing, Lilian looks at Sally] When it chewed through the televison cable.

Sally:
[Anne mumbles another thing, Lilian looks at Sally] Poor old Bright-Eyes was... [They both look over at a sobbing Annie who mimics someone being electricuted. She contiues crying, Len comforts her]

Len:
Bright-Eyes? F***ing burning - like fire!

Sally:
[talking about Annie] ? and if she has got the clap...

Lilian:
[gasps] Has she?

Sally:
Claims to... But then again she claimed to have met Ben Affleck in Safeways so... forget I mentioned it!

Lilian:
[after a long silence] Who'd she catch it off?

Sally:
I shouldn't say.

Lilian:
[Robin mouths something at Lilian. Whispering] Who?

Robin:
[after several failed attempts] Clint!

Lilian:
Never!

Sally:
Robin! Can't the poor girl have any privacy? As if the itching ain?t enough!

Lilian:
My uncle Colin took 12 months to die. Every day you'd say, "Please let this suffering come to an end." but no - just go steadily worse. No - I would wish that on anyone.

[sucks on a her cigarette]

Lilian:
Couldn't book holidays! You went out gallivanting - people called you callous, it was a bloody nightmare!

Robin:
I'm up for euthanasia when it gets to that stage.

Lilian:
Oh, yeah! Bump them off! I mean you do it to an animal why not to your relatives?

Robin:
As long as they said that's what they wanted.

Lilian:
Even if they hadn't, sod them an injection! I mean they're none the wiser - it's a kindness!

Sharon:
[Robin has asked Sharon is she knows the theme tune to a program] Television's boring - a load of people you don't know chuntering away in the corner of the room!

Robin:
Am I ever gonna get this!

[storms off]

Sharon:
I've no objection to you lot watching television if it helps you to relax and prepare for the next day, but I have a social life.

Lilian:
We never see you down the Nags!

Sharon:
I said a social life - not a drink problem.

Sharon:
Here's an interesting piece of information - the Eskimos have no word for snow.

Robin:
Sorry, Sharon, but you can't call them Eskimos now - they're Inuits.

Sharon:
They're imbeciles! No word for snow. They're surrounded by the stuff!

Robin:
They haven't just got one word for snow, they've got words for light snow, heavy snow...

Sharon:
Frozen snow?

Robin:
We've got a word for that - snow.

Sharon:
But that was my one piece of trivia for when conversations dry up.

Robin:
Still wrong.

Robin:
I always think that if you sit around for long enough everything will sort itself out.

Sally:
I'm not sure that plan's working.

Lilian:
[talking about the building being vandalised] Poor Tess is shaken up. It's brought back all that nastiness with her neighbours over that high fence she built.

Barry:
It was 17 metres tall.

Lilian:
I know, but you know Tess - she's a very private individual. There were smashed windows then. A dog dirt daubed door. The side bin overturned.

Heidi:
Her own neighbours.

Lilian:
Yeah - but who can blame her? They were dragging her through court.

Heidi:
Keith's put me on a health kick. He says I lost my shape after Dane was born. I'm only allowed to eat meat.

Annie:
[talking about Sally making headline news in the local paper] I don't know why everyone's making such a fuss - she's not the only one to make the press.

Sally:
What were you in? Readers' Wives?

Annie:
Yes. I've got no qualms about it. So what if I wasn't actually his wife? Although I was ashamed to be seen on that rug. Fake bearskin? Looked like someone had murdered Bungle.

Robin:
[talking about Janet's engagement] You need to ask yourself some serious questions, Jan. Is it real love? Is it real passion? Or are you just terrified of ending up alone?

Janet:
I think so. Does it matter. And of course I am.

Janet:
Perhaps Noel isn't the most dynamic man in the world. And perhaps he is quite inhibited sexually. And perhaps our married life won't be a thrilling, torrid sequence of "I love you", "I hate you", "I need you", "I can't bear you". And perhaps while I wanted a Heathcliff to my Cathy I've found a Ken Barlow to my Deirdre.

Lilian:
Years ago, if you were gay, your only options were the clergy or suicide. Or presenting a gameshow.

Sharon:
I don't need the eskimos do I? This is small talk!

Sally:
[talking about a bee] They teach us in boxercise that you can hurt your opponent much more mentally than with a well-aimed slap - psyche them out and their confidence goes.

Robin:
How do you psyche out a bee?

Sally:
You just follow them around, going, "Your honey tastes like sh*t, mate. You're a crap buzzer. Black and yellow stripes? Don't go." They soon get depressed and fly off.

Monique:
[Monique has returned from a job interview that Barry is also up for] Hello, I'm Monique. Looks as though we'll all be colleagues within a month or so.

Barry:
Shouldn't that be might?

Monique:
Of course. On the package they offer me and whether BFJ can bear to let me go.

Lilian:
Oh I think they could.

Barry:
So, Janet, why am I only "possibly" going to get this promotion?

Janet:
Well, there's the interview to get through first.

Barry:
Yes, but that's just a formality!

Janet:
It certainly isn't!

Barry:
Ha! They're not going to give the job to Malcolm, are they?

Robin:
Alky Malky? Oh, congratulations, Barry, it's in the bag!

Janet:
I think it was very brave of Malcolm to admit he's an alcoholic.

Robin:
What choice did he have? He was sprawled over Reception in a pool of his own vomit, with a traffic cone on his head! And he'd shat himself!

Annie:
Not just himself...

Janet:
Hello again, Monique!

Monique:
Hi! [gestures with her cigarette] Just calming the old nerves.

Janet:
Nerves? Oh, that was a sterling performance!

Barry:
Yes, I believe you came in to talk to me, Janet?

Janet:
Oh! Yes, sorry... Um... Malcolm's turned up to his interview in rather a... jolly state... with the traffic cone *again*. I've suggested he lie down somewhere... Other than Sharon's office...

Sally:
I, erm, got the low-down on Annie's new fella...

Robin:
Oh, yeah?

Sally:
Yeah. His name's Dan. He's thirty seven, he works in insurance and she reckons he looks like Marlon Brando.

Robin:
Yeah, right!

Sally:
Oh, not with the vest and leather cap, the big fat Godfather version?

Robin:
Oh... Well, as long as she's happy...

Sally:
Oh, I don't think she is! He sounds a bit... kinky. Got her to dress up as a copper... Well, she didn't say as much, but... Read in between the lines, I reckon there were handcuffs involved. Yeah... Truncheon... Maybe. Probably up her arse...

Lilian:
[reading aloud from a women's magazine] "I'm a fifty three year-old woman living in North London. I have a very dry vagina and I'm frequently forgetful. I veer between hot sweats and shivering even when the central heating is on full and I've completely lost my sexual appetite. Am I going through the menopause?"

Robin:
Well, I'm no expert, Lilian, but I'd say you definitely are!

Lilian:
Not me! On the Problem Page!

Robin:
Oh... Right.

Lilian:
And of course she's menopausal! Fancy having to ask!

Janet:
I don't know how you've got the energy to exercise at lunchtime. I'm run ragged every morning...

Robin:
Snap!

Sally:
Well, there's jack-sh*t else to do round here...

Lilian:
No... Just that Bob the Builder ride outside the shop... Strictly for under-tens...

Lilian:
What does "sh*t happens" mean?

Janet:
Oh, can we *please* stop talking about... "Mm"!

Sally:
It means what it says... "Sh*t happens"... Everybody shits?

Lilian:
Tess Pownall couldn't... She had to have surgery...

Robin:
It means sh*t's a fact of life, there's no getting away from sh*t.

Janet:
There certainly isn't in here!

Janet:
Do you ever ask yourself, "why am I doing this"?

Robin:
All the time...

Len:
Only when I'm eating strawberries... Pips play havoc with my plate...

Janet:
Sharon says if I work hard I could end up like her... But that's no incentive... I don't want to be a high-powered businesswoman.

Len:
Nah... Wouldn't suit me!

Sally:
I want to go to Dancefest UK. Beats-FM got fifty free tickets.

Clint:
Weird amount.

Sally:
[pauses, thinking to self] Free. Fifty *free* tickets.

Robin:
Where's Annie today?

Sally:
Annie who?

Robin:
Annie you share an office with. Annie, your mate?

Sally:
How would I know? We're not joined at the hip.

Clint:
There were these two birds on telly, yeah, they *were* joined at the hip. I think they were sisters.

Len:
You're that thing, Barry.

Barry:
What thing?

Len:
Where you can't throw stuff away. Something to do with your arsehole.

Sally:
Anally retentive?

Len:
That's it.

Sharon:
Janet? Janet!

Janet:
Yes?

Sharon:
[points to a napping Robin] What do I do about this?

Janet:
Hm... Maybe we should wake him up... He's probably due another cigarette by now... [gently nudges Robin] Robin? Robin?

Sharon:
[shrieks at Robin] Wake up you lazy bastard!

Sally:
Do I need this? I've just left Annie in the bogs having some sort of fit!

Sharon:
What's wrong with her?

Sally:
She's melodramatic! I mean, we're all stuck here, but she's got to go that extra mile, in't she? Throw a panic attack into the mix!

Sharon:
Does she need medical help?

Sally:
She needs a kick up the arse!

Robin:
I Just want my bed...

Sally:
[rummages through a carrier bag and pulls out a bottle of vodka and a jar of pasta sauce] You should worry, I'm meant to be down the pub. But I'm not letting a bit of snow disrupt my plans, I can get pissed here. Bought this at lunchtime.

Robin:
Been doing your weekly shop?

Sally:
Weekly?

Sharon:
What do you think you're doing?

Sally:
Eh? Oh, the pasta sauce? I forgot to buy mixers. It's mainly tomato and... Diced mushroom... Be like a Bloody Mary.

Sharon:
But... Drinking at *work*?

Sally:
We're not *at* work... We're just... In the building.

Lilian:
Oh, God! I've been stuck in the car park for half an hour going precisely nowhere! And there's a documentary on tonight that I do *not* want to miss!

Clint:
Men with Breasts?

Lilian:
That's the one!

Sally:
Have the men got breasts or is it about what men are like when they get their hands on a pair?

Barry:
Grateful...

Lilian:
No, they've actually got them, it's some weird syndrome... Ooh, nature's cruel! That poor chap on the advert was so good-looking!

Clint:
And? He had a really cracking pair of tits!

Lilian:
Ooh, I saw a film once where they were all snowed-in! "Snowed In", it was called... And eventually, they all had to eat each other! Imagine that, human flesh!

Sharon:
I wouldn't mind a wee taste...

Lilian:
Well, I suppose if your life depended on it...

Sharon:
Oh, if my life depended on it, I'd tuck in with no qualms!

Janet:
I ran over a dachshund once...

Clint:
[shocked] Why?

Janet:
It just ran out! I didn't even see it... But I felt the bump... I still wake up at night sweating...

Robin:
At least you've been getting *some* sleep...

Janet:
It comes to me in nightmares... Its little sausage body, looking for its head...

Clint:
You know what you should do, Jan? Put a bowl of Chum out and then its little ghost head will run in, gobble it all up...

Sharon:
Janet, you could be on the phone now, working out how I'll get home, instead of treating us to tales of dead dogs!

Lilian:
Do you know? I can't say I'm minding being stuck here now. And, truth be known, I'm still not used to being in an empty house.

Clint:
Has someone stolen your furniture?

Lilian:
Devoid of people? Pain and all as Greg was, it was nice when I walked into a room and said "what have I come in here for?" to have somebody go "I dunno!"

Sally:
Nothing could get in through a window that small!

Lilian:
An alligator could, if it was on the prowl... Or a smallish wolf...

Len:
F***!

Annie:
I was feeling terribly stifled, trapped as we are, but I applied my visualisation techniques.

Sharon:
[sarcastically] Oh, good!

Annie:
I imagined myself walking free through open fields... Awful lot of cow sh*t about...

Clint:
Bet you're missin' out on a mad one, eh, Sharon?

Sharon:
A mad what?

Clint:
Night out! You earn a good whack! Bet you hit the bars and it's "another bottle of champagne!", yeah? "Another bottle of champagne!", yeah? "Another bottle of champagne!"

Sharon:
No!

Clint:
Don't you like champagne?

Sharon:
Certainly not in those quantities!

Sally:
So where do you go if you don't go to the pub? Movies?

Sharon:
I can't see the appeal... It's just sitting in the dark, staring forwards...

Lilian:
Do you not get lonely at home on your own?

Sharon:
I'm not on my own, I've got a cat.

Lilian:
Aww, what's its name?

Sharon:
Oh, it hasn't got a name! Can't see the point. But I'll sometimes talk to that. Say, "get out!" or "get off the sofa!"

Robin:
I can't take much more of this... I think I'll check into that B&B, near the petrol station.

Lilian:
Oh, that was closed down months ago! Bloke who ran it was a pervo... Secretly been videoing all the rooms!

Sally:
Dirty sod!

Lilian:
Yeah... But when the police played back the tapes, they just showed endless travelling salesmen sat up in bed reading John Grisham.

Lilian:
[referring to her cigarettes she brought back from her holiday] You know the best thing about these?

Robin:
They're stronger?

Lilian:
No, although they are a bit. No, the warnings are in Greek... Haven't got a clue what they say! Although, Aristotle told me the odd expression... "Please", "thank you"... "Harder"...

Heidi:
[looking at one of Lilian's holiday photographs] Why is Tess holding two wizened yams? Oh... they're not yams, are they?

Heidi:
This looks like quite a tacky affair... No wonder poor Tess had her jaw dislocated. That's why Keith insists we holiday in this country, don't get all the rowdiness...

Annie:
No, or any of the fun.

Heidi:
Keith always says, and I've come to agree with him, that anything you can find abroad is right here on our doorstep...

Sally:
Oh, yeah! 'Cause there's a pyramid at the end of my road and the Leaning Tower of Pisa's by the roundabout.

Heidi:
Mind you, when I was a little girl my uncle brought a souvenir spoon back from Belfast and all through the sectarian murders and the shopping centres being blown up I'd think, "that's where my spoon came from"... Not the exact arcade, I can't be that precise, but the vicinity... It's important to have that link with other countries...

Miranda:
God, Robin, do you remember that girl, used to sit farther down the bench, she was always sniffing the gas taps?

Robin:
Wendy Walker! God, that is so weird, I often see her around here!

Miranda:
Never! She doesn't work here?

Robin:
No, she's a tramp. I see her looking through the bins.

Miranda:
Yeah...

Robin:
Still wears that Happy Mondays t-shirt... It honks!

Miranda:
It would do...

Len:
Well, I best go do me rounds. I'll be countin' the days till I'm shakin' hands with Mickey.

[Len leaves the smoking room]

Sally:
Has Len got prostate problems?

Robin:
At his age? Probably. Why?

Sally:
Must be agony, going for days without a slash...

Robin:
"Shaking hands with Mickey" isn't a euphemism, he's going to Disney World, to meet Mickey Mouse.

Heidi:
Ooh! Holiday snaps!

Lilian:
Yeah, they're mine.

Heidi:
Oh, can I see? Aw, I love holiday snaps!

Robin:
Do you?

Sally:
Lilian, I never even asked! How was it?

Lilian:
Fantastic!

Sally:
Did you cop off with a hunky Greek waiter?

Lilian:
No, we went self-service.

Heidi:
Oh, it's such a clich?, isn't it? The middle-aged divorc?e falling for some lowly-paid menial kidding herself she's in love and he's just eyeing up her cash... Aww... Sad...

Len:
[discussing his trip to Disney World] I can't believe it. I'm finally going to meet Mickey Mouse!

Lilian:
And Minnie!

Len:
Ooh, that b*tch...

Barry:
Is kneecapping one word or two?

Robin:
Mm... Two, I'd say. What's the clue?

Len:
I'll kneecap whoever put my name on that list!

Barry:
"Mercy killing".

Robin:
Oh, no, that can't be right. Kneecapping isn't a mercy killing, it's a punishment beating.

Len:
I'll be doling out a punishment beating!

Robin:
It'll be "euthanasia".

Barry:
Oh, yes! Should've known that one, recently had my St. Bernard put down.

Lilian:
Aww... Old age?

Barry:
No. It just *stank*!

Janet:
It wasn't my idea to appear on the poster! Sharon thought it lacked the human touch.

Lilian:
Well, she's right, you look like some sort of android!

Janet:
*Before* my picture went on it.

Janet:
[referring to a list of participants for the paintballing event] According to the one downstairs, the only people planning to go paintballing are Marge Simpson, Osama Bin Laden, Barbara Windsor and the Bear in the Big Blue House.

Robin:
Oh, is Babs going?

Janet:
It's for people who work *here*.

Robin:
And?

Janet:
Barbara Windsor is an actress... Of sorts.

Robin:
No, there's a Barbara Windsor here, in Distribution.

Janet:
Which one's she?

Robin:
Oh, God... Um... Well, she's... She's a lovely woman... Um, always beautifully turned-out. P*ssy-bow blouses. [after Janet simply stares at him, puzzled] A sort of... Wispy beard?

Janet:
Very strong Northern accent?

Robin:
No, that's Stan. She's... She's got a beard, buck-teeth and her eyes look in different directions.

Janet:
Is her name Barbara? Oh, for years I've been calling her Carol! I am thinking of the right woman, aren't I? Wears one of those Spice Girl shoes, orthopaedic?

Robin:
Yeah, that's Babs.

Janet:
Well, I never knew she was Barbara Windsor... Aw, you're right though, she's a lovely woman... And it's another name to add to my list!

Annie:
So you are going to the paintball, are you, Robin?

Robin:
I dunno... See, Clint's been telling me about how your bollocks can swell up.

[Annie suddenly bursts into tears and runs out of the smoking room wailing]

Sally:
Nice one, Robin! Could you be any more insensitive? Want to mention her big fat arse while you're at it?

Robin:
What did I say?

Sally:
Banging on about Clint's balls.

Robin:
Not Clint's in particular.

Sally:
Yeah, well... Annie reckons he's given her the clap.

Robin:
How?

Sally:
Now, let's see... Perhaps he sent it round in a jiffy bag?

Robin:
No, I mean, when did they have a shag?

Sally:
At Lucy Wu's party. Course, there was talk of spiked drinks... Rohypnol.

Robin:
Clint wouldn't do that!

Sally:
No, he accused *her*!

Len:
Have you seen who put their names down for this paintballing thing? Ant and f***in' Dec! Well, I definitely ain't going if those two midget gobshites'll be there!

Janet:
They're not *really* going... And I do wish you'd moderate your language, Len! I don't come into work to hear that kind of talk.

Lilian:
Oh, it's all over, language. I was sworn at by a kiddie the other day, she couldn't have been more than six! She called me a "C"!

Sally:
She didn't say that?

Lilian:
Yeah! She said "F off, you mother effing C!"

Janet:
I blame the television.

Lilian:
"Kiss my A, you effing C sucker!" That's another thing she said... And a "Y"... she called me that an' all. Have to say though, I'm not as clear on what's rude and what's not these days. I mean, words that years ago you'd never have mentioned are quite commonplace now. Like... "Buggery" used to quite shocking. But, you'd take "buggery" in your stride now, wouldn't yer? And new words... Like "tosser"... How rude is "tosser"?

Robin:
Not really.

Janet:
Very!

Lilian:
What about... "Beaver"? I don't mean the animal, obviously, I mean, when they use it for your doings?

Robin:
It's more of an American thing, "beaver".

Lilian:
Yeah... But... Is it acceptable to refer to *it*, as your "beaver"?

Janet:
I don't see why you have to refer to it at all!

Barry:
That reminds me, there's a programme with David Attenborough I want to see tonight, he's going to Canada to look at beavers.

Lilian:
The animal?

Barry:
I would have thought so...

Robin:
Yeah, um, this this the thing, actually, Sharon... I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles, if you have them, can become quite inflamed, if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.

Barry:
You want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands...

Sharon:
Barry... Let's not have the saga of your broken thumb *again*!

Sharon:
You know, I should come down here more often.

Sally:
Ooh, Sharon, when you've got that lovely balcony to stand out on?

Sharon:
I don't want to seem remote. I mean, when all's said and done, we're just co-workers... According to Head Office. In fact, I'm told there was quite a get-together at the... At the, erm?

Janet:
Nag's Head.

Sharon:
The Nag's Head! On Friday? I'm told?

Lilian:
[anxiously] What else were you told?

Sharon:
Just that it was a really good, crazy, exciting thing?

Lilian:
That's all?

Sharon:
Yes?

Len:
Yeah, we was bolloxed!

Sharon:
[sarcastically] Oh, good!

Len:
Lilian was up on the pool table, showin' us all her...

Lilian:
I don't think anyone needs to know about that, Len! [off Sharon's look] Oh, God, it wasn't me beaver, if that's what you're thinking!

Robin:
Yeah, on second thoughts, Lils, beaver *is* quite strong, in context...

Len:
[grieving for a colleague who has suddenly died] I haven't felt like this since Diana died.

Lilian:
Ah yeah - Diana. Had to go so young.

Len:
Yeah.

Lilian:
And those poor boys losing their Mum.

Len:
Yeah.

Lilian:
I know people said she stole money and was living it up with Elton John but she did a-lot of good. People with aids ... one legged kiddy, that sort of crowd.

Len:
I'm talking about my wife Diana - not the Princess of f***ing Wales!