Austin Millbarge:
They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
It got me through high school.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Was that me?

Russian Interregator #1:
Why are you here?

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said... how do you spell spell Sartre?

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Owww... and let that be a lesson to you.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
What was that?

Austin Millbarge:
It was a dickfor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
What's a dickfor?

Austin Millbarge:
To pee with.

Russian Interregator #2:
Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Mine or yours?

Russian Interregator #2:
Yours.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Damn!

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?

Test Monitor:
Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
What do you think?

Austin Millbarge:
They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're on our side! WE'RE AMERICANS!

Col. Rhumbus:
Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
If you let us go, I'll bring back the sun.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Here's a picture of my sister. If you let us go you can have her. I hear she's quite good.

Austin Millbarge:
We need a plan.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Let's play dead.

Austin Millbarge:
For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.

Austin Millbarge:
Show some balls, man!

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
I think it's too late to try and impress them.

Austin Millbarge:
We mock what we don't understand.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
What's she saying?

Austin Millbarge:
H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Jesus, where did you learn your Russian, J.C. Penny?

Austin Millbarge:
Find a rock! Go the the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
It's broken.

Austin Millbarge:
Bring it here.

Austin Millbarge:
Not the rock.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
I'm Sorry I'm late, I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end and I found out I received nothing...

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Are there any Paraguyans here?

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Well of course their requests for subsidies was not paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?

Keyes:
By your actions, sir, you are risking the future of the human race!

General Sline:
To guarantee the American way of life? I'm willing to take that risk.

General Sline:
When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon.

Alice, Fitz-Hume's Supervisor:
You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
No... not now.