The United States Steel Hour

[first lines]

Will Stockdale:
[to the audience] Howdy, I'm Will Stockdale. I'm fixin' to tell you some of the things that happened to me in the draft.

Will Stockdale:
He *is* sick, Ben. I heard Lucky say it. Irving had ROTC. For a whole year he had it!

Sergeant King:
I joined up for security, gentlemen. And the first man that makes me feel insecure gets his neck broke.

Will Stockdale:
It's just that the Infantry is the real soldiers, and the Air Force ain't nothin' but helpers.

Will Stockdale:
[to the captain] I spend most of my time in the latrines, because Sgt. King said he never seen a man so interested in latrines as you are. You go in there and look at them faucets. I polished 'em so hard they don't say Hot and Cold no more.

Will Stockdale:
[entering the major's office] Major Psychiatrist?

Major:
Georgia? Not much of a state, is it?

Will Stockdale:
Well, I don't live all over the state. I just live in this one little place in it.

Major:
How was your childhood?

Will Stockdale:
Well, I was kinda young...

Major:
He whipped you frequently?

Will Stockdale:
There can't nobody beat like my pa can.

Major:
You hate him!

Will Stockdale:
No. I got a uncle I hate, though. Every time he comes out to the house he's always wantin' to rassle the mule. And the mule gets all wore out and he gets all wore out. I don't really hate him, though. It's just that I ain't exactly partial to him.

Major:
Did I ask you about your uncle?

Will Stockdale:
I thought you liked to talk about hatin' people.

Ben Whitledge:
Ain't you never heard of the Women's Air Force?

Will Stockdale:
You mean they got one, too?

Ben Whitledge:
Shore they do.

Will Stockdale:
Against our'n?

Will Stockdale:
[toasting] To Sgt. King, the best dang sergeant in the whole danged Air Force, dang it.

Sergeant King:
I'm 40 years old. I'm a private. And I'm going to gunnery school. And I'm happy, do you hear me? I'm happy, happy, happy!

[last lines]

Will Stockdale:
[to the camera] Good night! Good night, pa!

[runs to catch up with Pvt. King and Ben]

Will Stockdale:
Hey, wait for me, fellas!