The Weekenders

Tino:
Later days!

[about Lor]

Tino's Mom:
Aren't you overreacting?

Tino:
Mom, they got her wearing pink.

Tino's Mom:
Ooh, that is serious.

Tish:
If I'm a winter, how about this?

[Comes out of dressing room dressed in a white faux fur coat that covers all but her face]

Tino:
Stand absolutely still.

Carver:
What if it tracks by scent?

Tish:
Ha, ha. Very funny.

Tino:
Aah! It's seen us! Run!

Carver:
I am going to be CARP!

Tino:
Did you say Carp?

Carver:
That stands for what I want to be. Cool And Radically Popular.

Tino:
It's a good thing you don't want to be Cool RICH And Popular.

Carver:
Why?

[repeated line]

Tish's Mom:
Is what I say!

Tino:
If you try to make everyone follow your plan, you're really no better than a gym teacher.

Tish:
Maybe you're confusing us with your imaginary friends.

[Tino turns to the camera and addresses the audience]

Tino:
She thinks I have imaginary friends. Ha!

[about his mother's vegetarian Halloween candy]

Tino:
That's so healthy, its un-American...

Lor McQuarrie:
On our planet we call that a golf course.

Tino:
If a game doesn't have rules, it's not a game is it?

Carver:
No, it's politics.

Carver:
You have a point there, Lor.

[Frantically checking her chest]

Lor McQuarrie:
Where?

Tino:
We may not be as interesting as the people on Teen Canyon, but at least we aren't made up characters on T.V... or are we?

Tino:
Want me to leave so you can say bad words?

Tino's Mom:
Yeah that would be nice...

Tino:
Why can't you be one of those nice moms who just say "Yes Dear"

Tino's Mom:
Yes dear.

Tino:
Well it's a little too late for that now.

Tino's Mom:
Yes dear

Tino:
No talking!

[Tish is forcing her friends to do a radio play]

Carver:
I can't work under these conditions! I'll be in my trailer! [Walks into a closet and closes it]

Tino:
Err... that's my closet.

[a girl who humiliated Carver is waving at him at the beach]

Carver:
SHE'S WAVING AT ME? Isn't there a law against that?

Tino:
[Sarcastic] Yeeah, you're enforced by the Federal Bureau of Waving.

[Tino is poking his dinner with a fork, but not eating it]

Tino's Mom:
It isn't going to bite you.

Tino:
That works out nicely, because I don't plan to bite it.

Carver:
Do you have a compass in there?

Tino:
Yup!

Carver:
Maybe you can use it to find your way BACK TO REALITY!

Carver:
Do you have a compass in there?

Tino:
Why, yes I do!

Carver:
Well, maybe you could use it to find your way back to *reality*!

Tino:
They're coming to get me! Mutant clowns from the Hollow Earth! They're real! It's the clown-pocalypse! Aaah!

Carver:
I think he's getting better.

Mrs Duong:
Thank you for helping Helpers Helping the Helpless. Your help was very... helpful! And if anyone finds my thesaurus please let me know.

Tish:
Me? JEALOUS? I haven't got a jealous bone in my body!

Carver:
Do you have any jealous internal organs?

Carver:
Excuse me while I spend the rest of my life in the attic.

[Carver walks off]

Lor McQuarrie:
Wow! That must be a pretty nice attic! Er... what?

Tish:
Lor, don't you think you're being a tad paranoid?

Carver:
A tad? More like 5 tads and 18 smidgens.

Carver:
Ugh, I think my stomach just resigned in disgust.

Tino:
I think your cooking may have military applications.

Tino's Mom:
Watch it...

[Tino is upset because he didn't win a mock election]

Tino:
I'm just a fat, ugly, loser.

Lor McQuarrie:
You're not fat!

Francis:
[dressed as scissors for Halloween] Pointy, pointy.

[repeated line]

Francis:
[snickers] I like pointy things... [snickers again]

Dixon:
[playing ball] Try to keep your eye on the ball this time, it won't bite.

Tino:
It's not so much biting I'm worried about as bone-shattering impact.

Tino's Mom:
[Tino refuses to leave his room] He said he won't come out until the city's been cleared of its un-holy clown infestation.

Lor McQuarrie:
Have you seen the World's Funniest Medical Blunders?

Carver:
Once. This guy swallowed his dentures and when the doctors gave him an x-ray, his lungs were smiling back at him.

Tino:
Hello, could you at least knock before you enter my mind?

Lor McQuarrie:
[watching Tino ride his scooter] Huh,you have pretty good posture for someone without a backbone.

Tish:
If you need an idea, use your imagination.

Lor McQuarrie:
I think I sprained mine.

Tino:
Could you give me a map to that sentence?

Lor McQuarrie:
[Mowing Tino's lawn] Was that a rosebush?

Tino:
Not anymore.

Tino:
Tish has lost her dignity.

Lor McQuarrie:
Look under the sofa cushion. I find all sorts of stuff under there.

Tino:
How long have we been here?

Lor McQuarrie:
Somewhere between an hour... and a hundred thousand years.

Tish:
Don't you want to broaden your minds?

Lor McQuarrie:
Our minds are already broad enough.

Carver:
Yea I already have trouble finding hats that fit.

Carver:
How do you spell beautiful?

Girl:
M-e-l G-i-b-s-o-n

Tino:
[Carver is wearing a latex suit and helmet] You look like a roll-on deodorant.

Carver:
Interesting. And how did you obtain your data?

Tino:
Made it up.

Carver:
I see.

Carver:
Geeks... Geeks? Those geeks are my friends!

Tino:
did he just say geeks?

Tino's Mom:
You know, a kite flies on a string, not a stick.

Tino:
[pause] I could see your lips moving, but all I heard was "blah, blah-blah".

Lor McQuarrie:
It's like an upside down universe.

Tino:
Where up is down and boy bands play instruments.

Tino:
The cliff-dwellers didn't have skateboards! Cliffs plus wheels equals BAD!

Lor McQuarrie:
It's the crazy backwards universe again.

Tino:
Where cats chase dogs and sitcoms are funny.

Lor McQuarrie:
If that counts as dancing then it counts as singing when I burp.

Tino:
Mom, which one of these shirts projects a mysterious, vulnerable, dangerous, lost puppy quality?

Tino's Mom:
Come here. Let me feel your forehead.

Tish:
I have here plans for a twelve-foot granite pyramid with twenty thousand miniature workers dragging stone blocks.

Tino:
Uh-huh? And I have *here* cardboard, glue, sticks and paint.

Tish:
Okay. How about a one-foot pyramid with two miniature workers dragging a sugar cube.

Tino:
I know you spent a lot of time on those plans, Tish. I'm sorry you had to compromise your artistic vision.

Tish:
And *I'm* sorry you had to sit on a tube of paint.

Tino:
Oh great. Looks like I sat on a leprechaun.

Carver:
You guys are toast.

Tino:
Well you're double toast.

Lor McQuarrie:
You're triple toast.

Tish:
You're *French* toast.

Tino:
*French* toast?

Tish:
[sighs] It's been a long day.

Lor McQuarrie:
Go fish.

Carver:
We're playing Crazy Eights.

Tino:
You're going to be combing pudding out of your hair!

Carver:
You can't comb dreds!

Chum Bukkit singer:
We'd like to give a shout out to our new friends, Tina, Carlos, Winkle, and Slappy!

Carver:
I've got fists of iron! [Does fake karate moves]

Tino:
Oh, that reminds me. I don't know you.

Tish:
Grape soda. NOW!

Carver Descartes:
[Carver thinks Lor is in love with him] There's only one thing to do.

Tino Tonitini:
Sit down and discuss it like mature adults?

Carver Descartes:
Ignore it and hope it goes away.

Tino Tonitini:
Of course. [Tino and Carver walk away to the table next to Lor and Tish]

Carver Descartes:
My, what fine weather we are having.

Lor McQuarrie:
Mmh. Whatever-Carver I need you.

Carver Descartes:
Aah! [Drops his tray and runs away]

Lor McQuarrie:
Okay... what's up with him?

Tino Tonitini:
Uh, he had to run home suddenly for a... reason... and... so do I!

Tino Tonitini:
[Tino is pointing to a chart describing how if Lor continues to moon over Carver, their fun will increase] As you can see, it indicates how in three weeks our fun levels will plunge to record lows.

Carver Descartes:
Interesting, and how did you obtain your data?

Tino Tonitini:
Made it up.

Carver Descartes:
I see.

Carver Descartes:
Okay, it's not even nine yet and Lor has left two messages telling me how she wants to go to the mall with me! I'm in a panic spiral!

Tino Tonitini:
Did you just say "panic spiral"?

Tish Katsufrakus:
[Lor's getting a makeover from Tish] Well? What do you think? Too classy?

Lor McQuarrie:
Tish, i'm dressed exactly like you.

Tish Katsufrakus:
You're right, it's too classy.

Tino's Mom:
[Carver and Tino are asking Ms. Tonitini to replace Lor so Carver doesn't have to confront her] All this, so you won't have to talk to Lor?

Carver Descartes:
Umm... pretty much.

Tino's Mom:
You know what? I don't want to hear it! You can't ruin your friendship with Lor just because you don't want to discuss feelings. If you do, I'll-I'll-Ugh! I'll have you arrested! [She walks into the house]

Carver Descartes:
Wow, your mom's mad.

Dixon:
Oh look! It's Martin Van Buren.

Martin Van Buren:
Down with the cotton gin! Down with the cotton gin!

Mrs. Duong:
Thank you helpful assistants! Your aid has been very... useful! Today. And an extra thanks to Dixon for finding my thesaurus. That was a really big... easement.

Tino:
after finding out that his mom made burgurs out of asturach meat : AAHH! JIMMY!

Lor's Brothers:
[Yelling, shouting, fighting] [Lor enters house, wearing actual female clothing, all sound stops]

Brother in blue sweater:
What happened to her?

Brother in referee shirt:
I dunno. Who was that?

Dot Cardigan:
Mmn, brain freeze! Owie, owie, owie...

Carver:
Those geeks... Those geeks... Those geeks are my friends!

Tino:
Did he just say geeks?

Tino:
Hi, I'm Tino. Okay, so, you know how, like, everyone wants to be one of the cool kids? Well, you might think you want it, but, my friend Carver super wants it. My theory is that a tiny part of your brain does nothing but try to be cool, and in Carver this part has swollen way up and squashed all the other parts like cockroaches, it's like, like, squish! It's like, myow-yow-yow! And there's like this one leg twitching and it's like ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-anyway, point is, Carver has been trying to become one of the cool kids for his whole life, and... you know, sucessory rate: zero. But, maybe, this weekend, you never know, right? [Runs off, runs back in frame] Well, hi, what're you waiting for, come on!

Carver:
[Carver is going to stand next to the cool kids for the class photo] Oh yeah, I'm going to do it, I'm going to become, C.A.R.P.

Tino:
Did you jusy say... C.A.R.P.?

Carver:
Yeah, it satnds for what I want to be-Cool And Radically Popular.

Tino:
[Tino laughs] Too bad you don't want to be Cool Rich And Popular.

Carver:
Why?

Tino:
These special glasses allow us to see the world the way Bree and Colbie see it. Pleas note that Carver, Lor, Tish and I have disappeared, but Lor's frozen yogurt is still plainly visible.

Tino:
Um, hey, Carver's trying to become one of the cool kids.

Tino's Mom:
Mmh, uh, yawn, old news.

Tish Katsufrakus:
You need something to get their attention, something flashy, something with style, something like...

Carver:
Shoes!

Tish Katsufrakus:
Well, I was thinking something more like a big purple wig.

Carver:
Hose me down baby, because I am hot!

Tish's Dad:
Papi understands, clear as toast!