Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

Various:
There's my Chippy!

Dr. Steve Brule:
What the heck you gonna do if you're on a picnic and have an ice cream and the ants crawl on the ice cream, what are you gonna do? You're gonna eat the ants because it's made out of protein.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You have smelly body parts? Smelly under your arms? In the armpits? Just... just put some vinegar on it! Why didn't you think of that?

Dr. Steve Brule:
If you're raking the leaves and it gets all over your driveway, just hose it off dummy.

Tim:
I'm just about to go to sleep; you want to do a prayer?

Eric:
Yeah, I'd love to.

Tim, Eric:
Sweet friend, we pray nothing terrible will happen to each other for now or for eternity. I love you. But not as a man loves a woman, but as a dear man friend.

Eric:
All the best.

Tim, Eric:
Amen.

Tim:
As you know, it is my birthday this week, and I'm gonna have one of the biggest parties of the year.

Eric:
It's gonna be the best party I've ever been to. Thanks- I can't wait.

Tim:
There's gonna be a mistletoe dunkie... there's gonna be a birthday present exchange... I want you to know that you're invited.

Eric:
Can't wait!

Tim:
James Quall is gonna be there...

Eric:
F*** you! I can't wait for your party!

Various:
These are jokes, so open your ears. Laughter is the cure for all your fears.

Tim:
Why don't you learn how to be a good dad?

Eric:
Why don't you leave my children alone?

Tim:
Well, f*** you!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wine was invented by the Romans... for orgies. And orgies are not too much fun if no-one wants to do it with you.

Maria the Cat Specialist:
Do you clean up after your cat? NO! And that's why we BROKE UP!

Maria the Cat Specialist:
That cat hair gets into every nook and cranny. Matt didn't get into my nook or my cranny.

Tim:
Thoan doe'n deliver luck. Mmm... This buzz't delivers luck.

Tim:
Oh my God. One hundo a day - both of us - five hundo a week... that's rich!

David Liebe Hart:
[on Tim] He's like Jesus Christ. He comes back alive all the time.

Tragg:
[as his segment begins] The doctor should know the difference between dysentery and basic diarrhea.

Tom Fredrickson:
Hey, a**hole, get up off your couch! Get a flip!

Tommy Wiseau:
I was walking on the street and one person say: "Do you have a job? Do you need a job?" And the person say... I say to them... to him: "Yeah I need a job." He say: "Can you direct here? Because our director get drunk." And we went: "Can you improvise?" That's where the career of mine start. Um, you know, the Oscar is coming.

Tim:
I didn't show it at the time, but I, uh... my eyes lit up behind my head.

Jimes Tooper:
The time it takes to get from one star to another star is... and see, you need to travel at the speed of light. And us humans can't even... fathom the concept of that kind of time because it's really really really really really really really really fun! To think about taking a speed of light ride.

Eric:
[holding Tim's "$1.19" on a fishhook] Look at this discounted price! There's no meat on it! You throw it back! Stay in the water.

[throws it down]

Eric:
I'm not gonna serve you to my family!