White Collar

[Neal sits at a Pai Gow table with an elderly, Oriental dealer]

Neal Caffrey:
"Don't get him wet; don't feed him after midnight." Right?

Neal Caffrey:
[having a gun pulled on him for a second time] I am really tired of guns being pointed at me tonight.

Neal Caffrey:
[Walking into a very busy White Collar office] Is this what it looked like when I escaped?

Lauren Cruz:
I don't know. I was working important cases then.

Elizabeth Burke:
[Moz is sweeping the Burke's house for bugs] So, um, you sure he won't try anything?

Neal Caffrey:
Do you have any rare paintings or coins?

Elizabeth Burke:
No.

Neal Caffrey:
Then you'll be okay.

Mozzie:
[offscreen] Is this Gorham silverware? It's rather unique.

Neal Caffrey:
Maybe you should keep an eye on him.

Elizabeth Burke:
Yeah.

Mobster Joseph Barelli:
[to FBI agents] Please. Please, help me find my goddamn Bible.

Neal Caffrey:
[Maria has pulled a gun on him] You know, I had a feeling all that lovey-dovey stuff last night was BS.

Maria Fiametta:
Next time, you should trust your instincts.

Neal Caffrey:
Oh, I did.

[Neal shows Maria the clip to her gun]

Neal Caffrey:
Clip. Lifted it when I patted you down.

Maria Fiametta:
You forgot about the one in the chamber.

Neal Caffrey:
Damn it. I've never been a gun guy.

Peter Burke:
Manuel Campos just died in ICU. His wife's a mess. Says she didn't see the driver. NYPD's out of leads. Tell me who's responsible for this.

Neal Caffrey:
His name's Matthew Keller. He's the blue-collar version of me.

Peter Burke:
This can't be good.

Reese Hughes:
Why does everyone say that when I walk into their office?

Peter Burke:
Do you have good news?

Reese Hughes:
No.

Mozzie:
Neal...

Clinton Jones:
Peter...

Neal Caffrey:
Mozz...

Peter Burke:
Jones!

Peter Burke:
Fortunately, I keep a secret key-logger on my computer.

Neal Caffrey:
I have never appreciated your distrust of me more.

Neal Caffrey:
Because of your... situation...

Peter Burke:
You make it sound like I'm dying.

Neal Caffrey:
Welcome to the other side.

Elizabeth Burke:
Good luck with your little con.

Peter Burke:
It's not a con.

Neal Caffrey:
Technically it is a con.

Peter Burke:
It's a sting.

Neal Caffrey:
But sting's another word for a - [Peter glares] Okay, let's start the sting.

Matthew Keller:
No beer? Caffrey, you're a terrible host.

Neal Caffrey:
That's 'cause I don't want you here to begin with.

Neal Caffrey:
If you want a happy ending, it depends on where you stop the story.

[last lines]

Peter Burke:
This is a letter from the U.S. Probation Office. "It is to inform you that a hearing has been scheduled concerning your probation. Because of your outstanding service, including recovering the treasure and catching Keller, the U.S. Probation Office is convening a hearing to discuss the commutation of your sentence."

Neal Caffrey:
What does that mean?

Peter Burke:
It means no anklet. No nothing. In three months, you could be a free man.

Neal Caffrey:
You want to use Jessica as bait?

Peter Burke:
I'm meeting Kent in the afternoon. Maybe I can hint to him that she knows something.

Neal Caffrey:
He'll come after her.

Peter Burke:
And when he does, we take him down. Think she's up to it?

Neal Caffrey:
Well, she's certainly driven.

Peter Burke:
Yeah, that's what worries me. I'm not sure if she wants revenge or justice.

Neal Caffrey:
I can't blame her either way.

Peter Burke:
You have empathy for that woman.

Neal Caffrey:
What if I do?

Peter Burke:
There's a right way to do things and a wrong way. Revenge is the wrong way. It's short-sighted and it's dangerous.

Neal Caffrey:
What's justice, then?

Peter Burke:
It's restoring order, not furthering chaos.

Peter Burke:
What are you, a party clown?

Neal Caffrey:
I'm embezzling your quarter. There's a crime in progress. Solve it.

Peter Burke:
You think you can land the job?

Neal Caffrey:
Marketing? I could do marketing.

Neal Caffrey:
I think you missed your calling. Tiny cup, big office, expensive suits?

Peter Burke:
Ugly mugs are fine.

Neal Caffrey:
Don't fight your instincts, Peter. Embrace your true self.

Peter Burke:
You done?

Neal Caffrey:
I can keep going.

Peter Burke:
You're done.

Trent:
So, uh, what's with the hat?

Neal Caffrey:
Oh, that's just my humble assault on the commonplace.

Neal Caffrey:
I know how we can take Bryson's blackmail photos out of play.

Peter Burke:
I'm all ears.

Neal Caffrey:
How would you feel about sleeping with Sara Ellis?

Neal Caffrey:
We've got a problem.

Mozzie:
I think we should maybe copyright that phrase.

Neal Caffrey:
Hey. Is Peter around?

Diana Barrigan:
Nope.

Neal Caffrey:
I need a favor.

Diana Barrigan:
Neal, what did I say last time you asked me for a favor?

Neal Caffrey:
I should think long and hard before trying to pull anything over on you.

Diana Barrigan:
And?

Neal Caffrey:
And that if I ever did try, you'd break one or both of my arms.

Diana Barrigan:
You know I hate to repeat myself.

[being asked to identify a forged driver's license]

Neal Caffrey:
They're all fake. The hologram on the Alabama license is cemented with the wrong base. Nuveen should be mixed at a five to one ratio; this looks like three to one. Laminate on the California's too thick. And last time I checked, Illinois is spelled with two Ls, not one.

Neal Caffrey:
Peter, what's up?

Peter Burke:
It looks like Ganz is pulling together a crew.

Neal Caffrey:
What kind of crew?

Peter Burke:
Mmm, not for rowing. Looks like muscle for hire.

Neal Caffrey:
He's planning another heist.

Peter Burke:
Yeah. I want to talk to Ford. Bring him in the office tomorrow.

Neal Caffrey:
No, he's smart, Peter. You won't be able to sweat it out of him.

Peter Burke:
You got a better idea?

Neal Caffrey:
How do you feel about dinner parties?

Peter Burke:
I hope that's a non sequitur.

Neal Caffrey:
I'm having dinner with Ford and June tonight. You and Elizabeth should join us.

Peter Burke:
You want me to bring my wife to a covert interrogation?

Neal Caffrey:
It's perfect. He won't suspect you're a fed.

Peter Burke:
Then who am I?

Neal Caffrey:
Coworker.

Peter Burke:
And what kind of cowork would that be?

Neal Caffrey:
I may have implied that you're not exactly a noble citizen.

Peter Burke:
No.

Neal Caffrey:
Peter...

Peter Burke:
I said no. Find another way.

Mozzie:
Get a room!

Sara Ellis:
We are in a room!

Neal Caffrey:
MY room!

Elizabeth Burke:
Honey, you know Neal doesn't want you looking into the key.

Peter Burke:
Neal doesn't lie to me. He hides the truth, he withholds it, but he... doesn't lie to me. And if he is, there's got to be a reason for it.

Mozzie:
[picking Neal up in a cab] Hey. Where to?

Neal Caffrey:
Ellen once mentioned she liked to watch the tugboats from Brooklyn Bridge Park.

Mozzie:
Hmm, tugboats. Seriously?

Neal Caffrey:
I know I'm grasping at straws.

[Mozzie sets the cab meter]

Neal Caffrey:
Moz, I'm not paying you for the ride.

Mozzie:
Oh, you are if we're going to Brooklyn.

Peter Burke:
You're James Bennett.

James Bennett:
I understand you have every reason not to trust me right now, Burke.

Peter Burke:
You told us you were Sam Phelps.

James Bennett:
No, you assumed I was Sam Phelps. I didn't correct you.

Neal Caffrey:
Stop... staring. You're hurting my head.

Neal Caffrey:
[seeing a new face at FBI HQ] Who's that?

Peter Burke:
Kimberly Rice. Rising star in the Bureau.

Neal Caffrey:
You're not a fan.

Peter Burke:
Nope. She works in Kidnapping and Missing Persons.

Neal Caffrey:
What's she doing in White Collar?

Peter Burke:
She's here to see you.

Neal Caffrey:
Whatever I did, I have proof I didn't do it.

Mozzie:
Okay. So. Fowler wants the music box, let's give it to him. Where is it?

Neal Caffrey:
I don't have it.

Mozzie:
What? You told everyone you had it.

Neal Caffrey:
I never told anyone. Everyone assumed I took it and I never corrected them.

Mozzie:
It did make you appear... superhuman.

Neal Caffrey:
Image is everything.

Neal Caffrey:
Just because I don't like guns doesn't mean I can't use one.

[Peter is planning to stay in a hotel while his power is out]

Neal Caffrey:
Peter, mi casa is su casa.

Peter Burke:
Su casa is not *even* su casa.

Mozzie:
[to Neal and Peter] Somebody's trying to kill me.

Peter Burke:
What? Why am I not surprised?

Peter Burke:
You always told me working with Caffrey would put me dangerously close to the line.

Reese Hughes:
Sometimes you have to redraw those lines to stay within them.

James Bennett:
[entering Neal's apartment] Hey, Neal, you awake?

Neal Caffrey:
What are you doing here so early?

James Bennett:
Guess you didn't get Peter's call.

Neal Caffrey:
Uh, no. I was sleeping. What's going on?

James Bennett:
He didn't get into specifics. Just said we ought to meet here right away.

[Sara enters from the bedroom]

James Bennett:
Didn't know you had company.

Neal Caffrey:
I've got company.

James Bennett:
I'm Neal's dad. You must be Kate.

Sara Ellis:
Uh, Neal?

Neal Caffrey:
I haven't told him everything.

James Bennett:
Oh, sorry. Alex.

Sara Ellis:
It's Sara.

James Bennett:
The insurance investigator.

Sara Ellis:
He shoots, he scores.

James Bennett:
I should've brought more coffee.

Sara Ellis:
Are more people coming?

Mozzie:
[entering the apartment] Greetings, fellow conspirators.

Sara Ellis:
Of course.

Mozzie:
Who called Sara?

Sara Ellis:
No one called me.

Mozzie:
[taking a coffee cup from James] Well, here, take this. It's too late for caffeine.

Peter Burke:
[entering the apartment] Oh, good, you're all here. Who called Sara?

Neal Caffrey:
Okay, how is it possible that three grown men don't understand what's going on here?

Neal Caffrey:
Is that frown a family thing?

James Bennett:
Oh, you recognize this look, do you?

Neal Caffrey:
Occasionally.

James Bennett:
Hey, you know, you inherited your old man's impatience. You just got a little bit more self-control.

Neal Caffrey:
Okay... What else did I get from my old man?

James Bennett:
Well, you got my height my extraordinary good looks. Everybody said you got my eyes.

Neal Caffrey:
When I was 5, mom told me that you were the blue in my eyes. And I'd run upstairs and crawl right up next to the bathroom mirror and look so hard for you.

James Bennett:
Hey.

Neal Caffrey:
Hmm?

James Bennett:
You know, I just realized why you want that box so bad.

Neal Caffrey:
Oh, yeah, Detective Bennett? Why is that?

James Bennett:
You think that what's in there will tell you who I am.

Neal Caffrey:
And if it does?

James Bennett:
Then you will finally know who you are. You know, you're not me, Neal.

Neal Caffrey:
No. But you are the blue in my eyes.

Peter Burke:
You once told me you never lied to me and you never will. So I need to know something. The first time Kramer and I went after you for the Degas, how did you switch the paintings?

Neal Caffrey:
I snuck up to the penthouse, pulled the swap, then base-jumped off the building and landed on Wall Street.

Peter Burke:
[laughing it off] Fine. Don't tell me.

Peter Burke:
When did you stop putting faith in people?

Agent Kramer:
When they stopped deserving it.

Mozzie:
Behind every worst case scenario there is a worse, worst case scenario.

Neal Caffrey:
Is there a child somewhere whose balloon you need to pop?

Neal Cafferty:
Gary Jennings, state senator.

Peter Burke:
You've heard of him?

Neal Cafferty:
I am politically aware. He's popular. Even Mozzie voted for him.

Peter Burke:
Mozzie votes?

Neal Cafferty:
More often than you'd think. Or would approve of.

Peter Burke:
This could work.

Neal Cafferty:
All we need is a bad cop.

Peter Burke:
I can do bad cop.

Neal Cafferty:
I've seen you do mildly irritated cop.

Peter Burke:
Diana? Come here a minute.

Peter Burke:
[to Neal] You going to tell her?

Neal Cafferty:
I'm not telling her.

Peter Burke:
You're the one who made her a hooker.

Neal Cafferty:
You're the one who's sleeping with her.

Peter Burke:
You've got a point.

Peter Burke:
[to Diana] Neal told Jennings you're a hooker. You and I are having an affair. You're going to go meet with an escort service.

Diana:
Ok. Anything else?

Peter Burke:
No.

Neal Cafferty:
[after Diana walks away] It's good to have her back.

Peter Burke:
That's a bright eyeshadow. What colour would you call that?

Neal Caffrey:
Kingfisher?

Peter Burke:
Made yourself right at home at the Stardust.

Neal Caffrey:
Well, when you do a rubbing at a strip club, your options are limited.

Peter Burke:
Oh I'm tempted to make a "rubbing at a strip club" joke.

Neal Caffrey:
Put it right across the plate for you.

Peter Burke:
You did.

Neal Caffrey:
Glad you're above it.

Peter Burke:
I am.

Neal Caffrey:
The last person who mixed these paints was Picasso. Taking from the masters.

Mozzie:
Ah, Picasso was a communist, he'd be happy to share.

Peter Burke:
Okay, so I rushed to judgment.

Neal Caffrey:
You had judgment on speed dial.

Mozzie:
Your timing is impeccable, J. Edgar.

Peter Burke:
Sorry, Amelia.

Mozzie:
I hear she's spicy.

Neal Caffrey:
What does that mean?

Mozzie:
I don't know. Not all of my advice is helpful.

Peter Burke:
No dusting off, no smiling. Don't come in here with a grin on your face.

Neal Caffrey:
But I'm in.

Peter Burke:
Yeah, but the plan was for me to haul you and her in to the FBI.

Neal Caffrey:
I was good with that plan.

Peter Burke:
And yet you yelled "FBI raid".

Neal Caffrey:
Look, she had an artifact on her. Raquel wasn't about to turn herself in.

Peter Burke:
Oh, "Raquel", huh? Hmm...

Neal Caffrey:
What?

Peter Burke:
Mysterious, gorgeous, she wears a hat. She's an expert in a certain subject that you find particularly sexy.

Neal Caffrey:
What are you talking about?

Peter Burke:
Just wondering why you ditched me.

Neal Caffrey:
I told you, Peter, she's a thief.

Peter Burke:
And you are...?

Neal Caffrey:
Someone who escaped your capture in a crowded restaurant by saying two words: "FBI raid".

Peter Burke:
Don't get cocky.

Neal Caffrey:
There's something I wanted to ask you.

Elizabeth Burke:
Yeah!

Neal Caffrey:
You and Peter. How'd you know?

Elizabeth Burke:
Well, I think there's a difference between loving the idea of someone [pause] and actually loving who they really are.

Peter Burke:
You said goodbye to everyone but me. Why?

Neal Caffrey:
I dunno.

Peter Burke:
Yeah, you do. Tell me.

Neal Caffrey:
I don't know. Okay?

Peter Burke:
Why?

Neal Caffrey:
You know why.

Peter Burke:
Tell me!

Neal Caffrey:
[pause] 'Cause you're the only one who could change my mind.

David Siegel:
[holding Mozzie at gunpoint] Get your hands up. You're not going anywhere.

Mozzie:
Uh, tell that to Emil Berliner. [remotely activates a gramophone, distracting Siegel, and runs off]

Neal Caffrey:
I can't con a widow.

Peter Burke:
You can if it's to save her.

Mozzie:
Widows fall into two categories; the bereaved and the relieved.

Neal Caffrey:
Neal Armstrong?

Peter Burke:
Arms... arms. All those prosthetics in the evidence warehouse. At, at least it's better than Neal Handleman.

Neal Caffrey:
No, it's not. I like Neal Handleman.

Peter Burke:
Should have gone with Eisenhower.

Peter Burke:
When we first got married, I used to say, "I love you, honey." Then it became, "love you, honey," then "honey." Now all we need to say is, "hon."

Neal Caffrey:
Very efficient.

Diana Barrigan:
Who is this guy?

Peter Burke:
He's an old rival of Neal's. They were bacarrat partners in Morroco.

Neal Caffrey:
Backgammon in Monaco. Close. And we were never partners!

Elizabeth Burke:
See! Now you scared the dog!

Peter Burke:
[about Keller] He's a little bit more Ratso Rizzo than Cary Grant.

Neal Caffrey:
I'm Cary Grant?

Peter Burke:
Only in comparison to Ratso Rizzo.

Matthew Keller:
[Neal and Peter visit him in prison] Is this business or pleasure?

Neal Caffrey:
It's always a pleasure seeing you behind bars.

Neal Caffrey:
[Peter insults Neal then wants more relationship advice] No more relationship advice from this side of the car. Call doctor Phil.

Neal Caffrey:
[pouting after finding out an attractive agent is a lesbian] Doesn't the FBI have a policy about that?

Peter Burke:
That's the military. We don't ask. We don't care.

Peter Burke:
[Peter runs down the stairs, after getting a call that Neal's GPS anklet was set off, only to find Neal chatting with his wife on the couch] You're on my couch.

Neal Caffrey:
Yeah, I came to talk to you. And Peter, I have to say, you have such an amazing wife.

Peter Burke:
Yeah, I like her. Get off my couch.

Neal Caffrey:
Did you really put Elizabeth under surveillance before you asked her out? Peter, I underestimated you.

Peter Burke:
You told him?

Elizabeth Burke:
Oh, he said he wanted to make sure I wasn't seeing anybody else. Honey, it's cute.

Neal Caffrey:
I think it's adorable.

Peter Burke:
I'm putting you back in prison.

Mozzie:
You know the worst thing about art forgery? You can't take credit for your work.

Neal Caffrey:
[Neal and FBI Agent Burke enter a church under restoration. The priest asks them to leave, so Neal has to convince him to let them stay] Please father, my best friend is having a crisis of the soul. He is a married man and he has the most devastatingly beautiful assistant at work. A very provocative woman. He's been tempted. More than tempted. I have details.

Priest:
It's very common with men his age. Unfortunately, very common.

Neal Caffrey:
And I want to confront him about this before he tears apart his life. He has a lot of faults. I mean, don't get me started, he's a mess, but he's very spiritual. I know this is the place where my words will have the most effect.

Priest:
This is the City of Churches. We're closed. Surely there's another place...

Neal Caffrey:
This is where he was married.

Priest:
Five minutes.

Neal Caffrey:
Sorry about that. We got five.

Peter Burke:
Did you just lie to a priest?

Neal Caffrey:
Do you find Diana attractive?

Peter Burke:
Sure.

Neal Caffrey:
Then we're good.

Peter Burke:
You are way out of your league.

Neal Caffrey:
Ah, harmless flirting. It's like a dance.

Peter Burke:
Naa, there is no dance. You're not even on her dance card. No dancing for you.

Neal Caffrey:
Umm, she digs the hat.

Peter Burke:
Mmm, she'd rather be wearing the hat. [Neal, at first, has a confused look on his face, then he opens his mouth as he gets it]

Neal Caffrey:
You said, if I found a nicer place for the same price, I should take it.

Peter Burke:
I did say that.

Neal Caffrey:
I watch her granddaughter from time to time.

Peter Burke:
She's got you babysitting?

Cindy:
[June's gorgeous granddaughter walks in] Hi, Neal.

Peter Burke:
Granddaughter?

Neal Caffrey:
She's an art student.

Peter Burke:
Unbelievable.

Peter Burke:
That's not jewelry on his ankle you know, he's a felon.

June:
So was Byron.

Peter Burke:
You look like a cartoon.

Neal Caffrey:
This is classic Rat Pack. This is a Devore.

Peter Burke:
Oh, sorry Dino.

Peter Burke:
[referring to Diana] You are way out of your league.

Neal Caffrey:
Oh it's harmless flirting, it's like a dance.

Peter Burke:
No, there is no dance. You're not even on her dance card, no dancing for you.

Neal Caffrey:
Um, she digs the hat.

Peter Burke:
Um, she'd rather be wearing the hat.

Clinton Jones:
Apparently he knew we were coming.

Peter Burke:
You think so Copernicus?

Diana Barrigan:
Neal Caffrey escaped.

Peter Burke:
What's this?

Diana Barrigan:
U.S. Marshal's are requesting your help?

Peter Burke:
My help?

Diana Barrigan:
Director Thompson asked for you personally.

Peter Burke:
Me? Why would he want me?

Diana Barrigan:
Probably because you're the only one who ever caught him.

Peter Burke:
We're not gonna catch Caffrey using road blocks and wanted posters.

Peter Burke:
You carrying?

Neal Caffrey:
You know I don't like guns.

Peter Burke:
Still, it only took you a month and a half to escape a super max... damn impressive.

Neal Caffrey:
That's the same suit you were wearing last time you arrested me.

Peter Burke:
Classics never go out of style.

Peter Burke:
Neal just bought himself 4 more years in prison, for what?

Elizabeth Burke:
For what? If you were Neal, you wouldn't have run for me?

Peter Burke:
Let me see it [referring to Neal's ankle monitor] . You understand how this works?

Neal Caffrey:
I"m being released into the custody of the FBI under your supervision and this thing chafing my leg. Anything I'm missing?

Peter Burke:
Yeah, if you run and I catch you, which I will because I'm 2-0, you're not back here for 4 years, you're back here for good. You're gonna be tempted to look for Kate. Don't.

Vincent:
This has been here since 1952.

Neal Caffrey:
It's been here less than a week.

Peter Burke:
Oh no, you don't get to lecture me on relationships. My wife didn't change her identity and flee the country to get away from me.

Peter Burke:
Neal's smart and you know how much I like smart.

Peter Burke:
You're in my house? On my couch? With my wife?

Neal Caffrey:
Oh, hi Satchmo! [petting Burke's dog]

Peter Burke:
And you're petting my dog...

Neal Caffrey:
Did you really put Elizabeth under surveillance before you asked her out? Peter... I underestimated you.

Peter Burke:
You moved?

Neal Caffrey:
[Looking around Park Avenue manson] Yeah, it's nicer than the other place don't you think?

Peter Burke:
Yeah, I don't remember the other place having a view.

Mozzie:
Suit, we have a code red.

Peter Burke:
Now is not the time, Mozzie.

Mozzie:
It's a dark day when I turn towards the system instead of recoiling.

Peter Burke:
Just spit it out.

Mozzie:
Remember when you asked me to tell you if Neal was gonna do something stupid? Well, I regretfully report that... he's out of his anklet.

Peter Burke:
Damn it!

Mozzie:
But that's not the stupid part. He's got a gun.

Neal Caffrey:
I don't need a warrant to break in.

Peter Burke:
But this Neal Caffrey does.

Brooke:
[as Peter approaches] I thought we were just gonna be speaking with your husband.

Elizabeth Burke:
Oh, we were, but actually this is, um, Neal Caffrey. [Neal winces]

Brooke:
Are you an agent too?

Peter Burke:
[posing as Neal] No. No, I wish I was. I'm just a consultant.

Brooke:
So how does that work?

Peter Burke:
[as Neal] Actually, I'm a criminal.

Brooke:
A criminal?

Peter Burke:
[as Neal] I've made a lot of really bad life choices which landed me in prison. But now I assist the FBI.

Brooke:
Oh, okay, good. [starts to leave with Neal]

Peter Burke:
[as Neal] As a matter of fact, had it not been for Agent Burke here, I'd still be in prison. Rotting.

Neal Caffrey:
[posing as Peter] You're giving me way more credit than I deserve.

Peter Burke:
[as Neal] No, no, no, don't be modest, Peter. You caught me. Twice. And you can send me back anytime you want.

Brooke:
[to Neal, who is posing as Burke] Um, is there any way you and I could speak, just the two of us?

Neal Caffrey:
[as Peter] I know Neal seems intimidating, but he's very useful in cases like yours. [glances at Peter] In fact, I think he's the single most valuable asset we have here at the Bureau.

Brooke:
Please?

Neal Caffrey:
[considers, as Peter] On second thought, Neal [raises coffee mug] cream, no sugar.

Peter Burke:
[as Neal] We have agents for that.

Neal Caffrey:
[as Peter] I have something better. I have you.

Peter Burke:
Moz, the US government is Not conducting mind control experiments

Mozzie:
Hah! That's what they Made you think

Peter Burke:
[entering FBI HQ] Bancroft's here.

Neal Caffrey:
Your boss' boss.

Peter Burke:
This can't be good.

[Bancroft points at Peter and waves him closer]

Neal Caffrey:
Do all the higher-ups do double finger point?

Peter Burke:
They teach it at Quantico. Wait here.

Peter Burke:
Neal, this is John Deckard from the Marshals' office.

John Deckard:
Are you sure it's necessary to bring him in?

Peter Burke:
Neal, how long did you evade the U.S. Marshals?

Neal Caffrey:
Well, technically, they never found me. You did.

Kyle Bancroft:
As I heard it, you had the Marshals searching for you along the Mexican Riviera.

[Neal chuckles]

Peter Burke:
If anyone knows about evading arrest, it's Neal Caffrey.

Clinton Jones:
[with Neal, realizing Jill is Peter's ex] All right, you know, I heard he had a pretty serious relationship with with a female agent down at Quantico. She joined SSG.

Neal Caffrey:
The CIA of the FBI?

Peter Burke:
[discussing their newest case] This guy's a skilled forger, safe cracker, lots of panache, and he's only twenty years old. Think we might be looking at the next Neal Caffrey.

Neal Caffrey:
Mm-hmm. He's a hacker. I don't hack.

Peter Burke:
You're right. A Neal Caffrey for the new millennia, then.

Neal Caffrey:
When I was twenty, I didn't get caught.

Thomas Carlisle:
Have you ever had a hundred thousand dollars between your legs?

Mozzie:
[Neal is picking up Satchmo to dog-sit] Wait, the suit actually gave you access to his house?

Neal Caffrey:
Yes, Moz.

Mozzie:
Unwise. We should teach him a lesson. I'm thinking micro-cam in a lampshade. He'll find it, of course, but that's the point.

Neal Caffrey:
We're picking up Satchmo and we're leaving, all right?

Mozzie:
Fine. I don't see why you'd want to pass up a prime opportunity such as this, but whatever. Whoa! Seriously? Boxed wine? We got to get out of here.

Neal Caffrey:
Did you mention the Empire State Building in your file on Pratt?

Peter Burke:
No. I left it out of the report. You're worried Callaway might be connected to the senator?

Neal Caffrey:
Well, she was nice to me. When people are nice, they're usually working an angle.

Neal Caffrey:
[James has unexpectedly shown back up in New York] Look, it's too risky for you to be here.

James Bennett:
I can't take Mozzie's safe house anymore.

Neal Caffrey:
Why?

James Bennett:
He's a very weird dude.

Neal Caffrey:
You asked me why I don't have original art? I've had three different names and a dozen different aliases because of you. And to be an artist, you have to know who you are.

James Bennett:
You're my son. And I'm very proud of that.

[Elizabeth has invited Peter out to lunch]

Elizabeth Burke:
Honey, relax. You're not in trouble.

Peter Burke:
[relieved] Oh, thank God.

Mozzie:
Suit.

Mozzie:
Le Suit.

Peter Burke:
What we have today is a chance to take down one of the most notorious white-collar criminals in New York: Vincent Adler. As you know, Adler ran a Ponzi scheme about a half a decade ago that rivaled Bernie Madoff's.

Neal Caffrey:
[trying to disarm a bomb] Beige is usually a neutral or bluff wire.

Peter Burke:
"Usually"?

Neal Caffrey:
I don't know if they bluffed with wire sixty years ago.

Mozzie:
I'm not comfortable with this.

Clinton Jones, Diana Barrigan, Sara Ellis:
We know.

Diana Barrigan:
We're not abducting you.

Mozzie:
Well, can I get out?

Clinton Jones:
No.

Mozzie:
Well, then it feels like an abduction.

Neal Caffrey:
Morning, Peter.

Peter Burke:
I see your quest for Manhattan's best brew continues.

Neal Caffrey:
One's for you.

Peter Burke:
Oh. Yankee tickets. Versus the Red Sox.

Neal Caffrey:
Yeah, I got 'em from Frankie Whispers. I'm not gonna use 'em.

Peter Burke:
They're behind home plate.

Neal Caffrey:
Oh? I hear that's good.

Peter Burke:
Uh-huh. You bought coffee, Yankee tickets. This is not your most subtle con.

Neal Caffrey:
Con? Peter, I am hurt that you...

Peter Burke:
You're trying to get back on my good side.

Neal Caffrey:
Is that a crime?

Neal Caffrey:
[seeing a prep school student in the FBI office] Did Hogwarts book a field trip?

Peter Burke:
Looks like it.

[Peter and Elizabeth are renewing their wedding vows]

Neal Caffrey:
Preacher's here.

Peter Burke:
That was fast.

Mozzie:
Sorry I'm late.

Peter Burke:
Don't tell me he's been ordained.

Neal Caffrey:
Twice.

Peter Burke:
Tax dodge?

Mozzie:
[sarcastically] Oh, yeah, like I pay taxes.

Peter Burke:
You ever wonder what would've happened if I hadn't made you my C.I.?

Neal Caffrey:
I'd still be in jail and your arrest rate would be in the low 70s.

Peter Burke:
High 80s.

Mozzie:
I brought a corkscrew to a gun fight.

Mozzie:
[about the charity representative Neal is meeting] Already I don't trust this woman.

Neal Caffrey:
Why, because she drove here?

Mozzie:
A New Yorker who does not take the subway is not a New Yorker you can trust.

Neal Caffrey:
I don't take the subway.

Mozzie:
Precisely.

Neal Caffrey:
She left her briefcase in the back. All right, Mozz, I need a favor. Break into her car.

Mozzie:
That's not so much a favor as a truly horrible idea. It's one o'clock in the afternoon. There's a reason most crimes happen at night: people can't see you!

Elizabeth Burke:
[finding a business card in Peter's pocket] Honey?

Peter Burke:
Yeah?

Elizabeth Burke:
What is this?

Peter Burke:
I was gonna talk to you about that. That is part of an undercover job I was working. And part of the cover was that I had to talk to another woman.

Elizabeth Burke:
[flipping the card over] You must've been quite the conversationalist.

[shows Peter the personal cell number on the back]

Peter Burke:
I had to flirt with her so Neal could get closer to the target.

Elizabeth Burke:
Isn't it usually the other way around?

Peter Burke:
Hmm. She chose me.

Elizabeth Burke:
You had to seduce another woman?

Peter Burke:
No. No. I had... just had drinks with her. Nothing happened, El. I swear.

[Elizabeth covers her mouth]

Peter Burke:
Are you laughing?

[Elizabeth bursts into laughter]

Peter Burke:
You're laughing. You're laughing.

Elizabeth Burke:
[still laughing] You had to flirt? You hate flirting.

Peter Burke:
I know. And now I remember why.

Elizabeth Burke:
What did you say to her?

Peter Burke:
I said that she looked thirsty.

[Elizabeth cracks up again]

Peter Burke:
It worked.

Elizabeth Burke:
[still laughing] Oh, please tell me there's surveillance video of this. I gotta see this.

[In order to break into a hospital, Neal is pretending to be a doctor bringing in Mozzie, a mental patient]

Mozzie:
I promise, I will never even think about going up in a tall building again. Oh God. Please don't let me die.

Neal Caffrey:
Hi, I'm here to drop off a patient.

Mozzie:
Fists with your toes.

Registered Nurse:
Uh, mental health services doesn't have anyone scheduled to come in today.

Mozzie:
Let's see you take this under advisement, Jerkweed!

Neal Caffrey:
Right, they wouldn't have said anything. Um... this is a bit sensitive. The mayor asked for it to be done quietly. It's his nephew. I can't exactly give you his name, but he thinks he's...

Mozzie:
YIPPEE KAI-YAI, MOTHER...

Neal Caffrey:
BRUCE! Bruce!

Mozzie:
Just a fly in the ointment, Hans.

Neal Caffrey:
You've gotta get him in to see Dr. Westlake right away.

Registered Nurse:
I'll ring him now. [reaches for phone]

Neal Caffrey:
Oh! Wait, wait, hold on. If my patient sees you making a call, he might get upset, he might think you're alerting the bad guys. I'll just take him to Dr. Westlake myself. It's [looks at list on wall] room 207, right?

Registered Nurse:
Right.

Neal Caffrey:
Right. [to Mozzie] On your feet, Bruce. [to nurse] Thank you.

Mozzie:
[to nurse] Welcome to the party, pal!

Peter Burke:
I really need to kiss you right now.

Neal Caffrey:
Peter, you just burned a perfectly good alias!

Peter Burke:
And you named me after my dog.

Neal Caffrey:
Touche.

Clinton Jones:
You just know these things.

Neal Caffrey:
Yeah, that's why they keep me around. You'd need some muscle, a cargo plane, and a few grand in bribe money just to get started.

Peter Burke:
You would.

Neal Caffrey:
And who knows what else, because I have NEVER considered stealing gems in Burma.

Neal Caffrey:
This is Nancy's brother, Mr. Satchmo.

Neal Caffrey:
We're not rewriting history. Let's keep it simple.

Mozzie:
Note my immediate boredom.

Peter Burke:
Alright, look. Obviously, there's more to the story with your dad. I don't know how badly it messed with your head.

Neal Caffrey:
You're right. You don't.

Neal Caffrey:
If I'm not my father's son, who am I?

Peter Burke:
Tell me about your mother.

Neal Caffrey:
Not a chance.

Peter Burke:
C'mon.

Neal Caffrey:
Nope.

Peter Burke:
Did she wear hats?

Investigative Committee Chair:
Neal Caffrey is a felon. Will you explain the deal you had with him?

Peter Burke:
He was serving the remainder of a four-year sentence under my supervision.

Investigative Committee Chair:
He was wearing an electronic monitoring anklet with... a two *mile* range?

Peter Burke:
Yes.

Investigative Committee Chair:
But he wasn't wearing it at the time the plane exploded?

Peter Burke:
No.

Investigative Committee Chair:
Do you believe that Mr. Caffrey was attempting to flee the country?

Peter Burke:
No. He cut a deal with the Office of Professional Responsibility. That allowed him...

[the Chair holds up his hand to stop Peter]

Investigative Committee Chair:
Do you believe Mr. Caffrey wanted to kill Kate Moreau?

Peter Burke:
That's ridiculous. No.

Investigative Committee Chair:
Do you believe someone wanted Caffrey dead?

Peter Burke:
[scoffs] Neal was a felon. He was convicted of bond forgery. And as you can see in those files, he was suspected of doing a hell of a lot of other things. Yeah, Neal was a pain in the ass. So did somebody from that past want him dead? Maybe. But he also helped me clear a 93% conviction rate. And that makes enemies, too.

Peter Burke:
[visiting Neal in prison] How are you holding up?

Neal Caffrey:
They don't let me wear ties.

Peter Burke:
Overrated.

Neal Caffrey:
Food's as bad as I remember.

Peter Burke:
Coffee?

Neal Caffrey:
Instant.

Peter Burke:
[groans sympathetically] Cruel and unusual.

[explaining the flaws in a group of bank security systems]

Neal Caffrey:
Basement access let me bypass the metal detectors at the entrances. The teller cages are nicely protected, but your employees need to be more vigilant. Also, the staff should wear their access badges around their neck, not clipped to their waist. It makes 'em too easy to lift. And the old dye packs you're using are way too easy to spot. And guys, the passcodes need to change daily, not weekly.

Peter Burke:
I'm Special Agent Peter Burke. This is my consultant, Neal Caffrey.

Edward Walker:
What do you consult on, Mr. Caffrey?

Neal Caffrey:
Investigations that involve my areas of expertise.

Edward Walker:
What areas are those?

Peter Burke:
It's a long list.

Peter Burke:
[showing Walker the Architect's calling card] You recognize this?

Edward Walker:
Oh, I'm not an architect.

Peter Burke:
No, you're just a hedge fund manager with too much time on his hands.

Edward Walker:
Well, having a hobby is not illegal, is it?

Peter Burke:
Depends on the hobby.

Edward Walker:
[having noticed Neal's monitoring anklet] Mr. Caffrey, a suggestion for the next time you commit a crime: don't get caught.