Xavier: Renegade Angel

Farmer:
If we only had rain!

Xavier:
Rain... It's just God's tears. I know a shamanic Navaho rain dance, that hasn't just blown MINDS. Its's blown ducks. 'Tear ducks'.

Farmer:
I'm willin' to try any precipitation boogie you've got.

Xavier:
Heeya-haa-heeyaaawww shucks. I forgot it! But we can jog my memory, with the Lakota memory-joggin' dance.

Farmer:
You show me, how?

Xavier:
Aya-hu! Ay... Can't remember the memory-joggin' dance. I know the irony is rich, so all we have to do is the Iroquoi irony-melting dance and we'll be golden.

Farmer:
Do you remember that one?

Xavier:
Of course! This noodle is a steel cage! But only God can do that dance, and it has to be raining... That's the 'irony' part.

Xavier:
Well, I'm a good farmhand, and I don't need much. Just five hots. And a cot. And a queen-size lazy bread bed. And a flatscreen iTV. And a WiFi hotspot. And a breakfast nook... A sauna. Conversation nook. Some o' them crazy cookies.

Farmer:
We're in a drought. I can give you a plate of weevils every day...

Xavier:
Deal!

Xavier:
[thinking] Sucker, I would've settled for every OTHER day.

Xavier:
Society is about to end, girl. And it's up to us to start repopulating the planet.

Farmer's daughter:
I suppose...

Xavier:
Really? OH! I just repopulated my pants.

The Judge:
I sentence thee to three glimpses into your own soul!

Xavier:
Pfft, I could do that with my third eye tied behind my back.

The Judge:
Very well. *Seven* glimpses!

Xavier:
Nooooooooooo!

Xavier:
I know what your butt did to that boy!

Xavier:
If these be my last words, then I'd like to leave this world with one final thought: Me no wanna die, mommy! Waaahhh!

Goldern B. Taintnun:
My name is Goldern B. Taintnun, as in "T'ain't none of yer goldern beeswax!"

The Judge:
Laws? Laws are illegal here!

The Judge:
You are not on trial for shooting the mayor. You are on trial for being on trial!

Xavier:
But I swear, I'm innocent!

The Judge:
By proclaiming your innocence, you admit that you are on trial!

Starving Woman:
This is how starving people cry.

Xavier:
A crying lady! I'll help you. I'm a feminist. I'll make sexism my b*tch. Sexism will be all like, "Oh Xavier! You're so strong! Kissy kissy! You can hit me. I like it."

Xavier:
[after he angers the Aztec sun god] You people have angered the Gods! Why?

Xavier:
Please get my mommy, so I can tell on you!

Xavier:
What *is* this place and who *am* I? I don't remember my name. All I remember is that I don't know my name, and that I can't remember if I do know my, uh, um.

Xavier:
I have the strange feeling that I've forgotten all of this before.

Xavier:
This must mean I've saved a life. I'm some sort of life-savior? Wonder where's my reward.

Xavier:
[enters a realm where the world unfolds in reverse, sees a man hit by a car] I'm too late. If I had been at this poor meat in time, he'd still be a delicious man.

Xavier:
In this odd dominion, driving backwards over people can mend them!

[gets in a car and drives backwards down the street]

Xavier:
People, hurry, get *in* the way! I'm committing vehicular manburger helper, and it tastes like pure liquid relief. Best part is, I'm helping the earth, getting negative thirty miles to the gallon! Oh, the cops wanna hone in on my heal-deal. I'll let them co-bask in my reflective glory!

Xavier:
[Walking back into the room he just walked out of] Smells like a real creep been in this room.

Kid on Chili Slide:
You'll jalape?o pants!

Barcode Man:
[shooting a line of animal-headed people execution style] Do you believe in God?

Sheep:
Yes.

[gets shot; hummingbirds fly out of his head]

Barcode Man:
Do you believe in God?

Hummingbird:
Yes.

[gets shot; sheep jump out of his head]

Barcode Man:
[points gun at Xavier] Do you believe in God?

Xavier:
That's a complicated question. It depends on what you mean by "God". You see, I...

Barcode Man:
Yes or no?

Xavier:
It helps no one to be reductive. I believe that that we are here implies to some degree that there are forces larger than us. Now, we can get into the semanticalities...

Barcode Man:
*Yes* or *no*?

Xavier:
[smokes a pipe] The very notion of belief itself can be rhetorically whittled to the bare nub of its meaning.

[attempts to hand the man a pamphlet]

Xavier:
I'd like to talk to you a lot more about this. Would you be interested in reading some of my literature?

Barcode Man:
NO!

[Barcode Man shoots himself]

Xavier:
[Xavier is returned to the room of doors in Barcode Man's clothing] So, it was me all along! Now I understand what's happening here, I just need to go through the black door.

Woman's Voice:
Congratulations. You may now begin to play the game...

Xavier:
Of life... ["life" echoes]

Xavier:
God has put me through his reamer, but I've come out the other side with his calling ["calling" echoes] in my ear!

Xavier:
Does anyone know how to get to the lake... the lake?

Xavier:
I just needed a hand - to tame the beast.

Xavier:
I'm a thought-ocoster. I'm a conundrummer in a band called Life Puzzler.

Xavier:
[thinking] What Doth Life? Are we just fleshy blips in some meaningless tew of cosmic oblivion? Or is it vice-reversa? Is our every trollop through fate's garden infused with a mystic-- [gets hit by a bottle]

Clip:
Hey, bunghole, cease that inner yapping.

Xavier:
I don't want no trouble, mister.

Clip:
Freak! If you didn't want trouble, you shouldn't have wandered into Burbury Connecticut.

Xavier:
Please, I'm just a simple seeker on a spirit quest to discover... What Doth Life?

Clip:
We don't got no freaks here in Burbury, and we's done hate freaks with open, unquenchable cans of philosophical thirst-worms.

Xavier:
You shattered my shakashuri.

Bully:
I hope y'all can play it 3 feet up your ass.

Xavier:
Don't know. But I'd sure like to try.

Clip:
What you gonna do, bird-beast, fly away on your cuddle bone?

Bully #2:
Yeah, cuddle this b-b-b-b-b-bone.

[throws the bone from his private area]

Bully:
Best stay away from that weirdo. You'll catch the feline aids.

Bully #2:
Yeah, from me. M-m-m-meow.

Bully #2:
What's the matter, Ch-Ch-Chicken? Frightened? Or do you prefer, What's the matter, Chicken? F-F-Frightened?

Burbury Visitor Info:
Welcome to Burbury. What are looking for?

Xavier:
Well, Ma'am, I suppose I'm seeking a deep strata of truth. Perhaps you can answer the one question that has plagued thinkers for all time. [typing] What Doth Life?

Burbury Visitor Info:
One moment, please. Processing. Processing. Processing. Processing. [distorted] Processing. Processing. Depth Overload. Depth Overload.

Xavier:
I'm a survivor. We're a dying breed.

Xavier:
[echoes] Life. You could say it started when I was a kid.

Xavier:
Like most folks, I've always been different, but not like the others.

Xavier:
Other kids could be cruel. They'd call me names -- Dweeb, Chimp, Honky, Dweeby Chimp, Honky Dweeb, And, worst of all, Chompsky Honk.

Xavier:
Did you know there's over 87 combinations of those soul-scalding words? I found out the hard way. [echoes] Life.

Xavier:
Went to the prom with a model, but she left with some jock. Dyke. But then I felt something in my gut -- The palpable suspicion that I had a deeper calling in life.

Xavier:
I was groping enlightenment in my bedroom, and before you could scream "murder by arson," our house was on fire. Couldn't save my parents.

Xavier:
Powers are for the weak. I have no powers. I mean, unless you count the power to blow MINDS with my weapons-grade philosophical insights.

Xavier:
Hell, I flipped more lids than a soup kitchen of the MIND.

Bully #2:
Is that f-f-freak h-harassing you? Or would you prefer "her ass in" you?

Xavier:
Let me write that down.

[attempts to literally write the same words he said]

Xavier:
"write that down."

Chief Master Guru:
You must love the earth like you love your mother. Kiss your mother, youngling. Go on. Harder. She wants it harder.

Xavier:
It hurts.

Woman:
You gave me a nasty gash.

Xavier:
I better take a look at you stat. I'm a certified wahockamana healer.

Chief Master Guru:
In order to heal this wound, you must play a shakhashirisk wind trance.

[Xavier plays the instrument horribly]

[rainbow ignited randomly]

Chief Master Guru:
Your failure is merely a portent of dissapointments to come.

Young Xavier:
Wow, that's me years from now. I look cut. Hey, that's a nice chunk of chicken on my arm.

Xavier:
Look, we're in his vision -- my vision. Hey, shake hands with your future, old friend.

[Young Xavier's hand get burned from reaching]

Xavier:
Ooh, Frittata. Later, chompsky honk.

Xavier:
Yeah, tricked the trickster. See still got the scar the prove it.

Xavier:
look at the two of us. We can be like Beauty and the Beast. What do you say? Will you be my beast?

Xavier:
I'm watching a woman washing. I wish I could see myself watching washing.

Xavier:
If the computer virus is infecting people, then I need to get a human virus to infecticide the computer.

Xavier:
I need some of that disease you guys invented.

U.S. Army Man:
Crack?

Xavier:
The other one.

U.S. Army Man:
AIDS?

Xavier:
That's the spice.

Xavier:
Just got to dump this load in that dirty 'puter's floppy slot and collect my kudos.

Xavier:
You can all fret not. I have the cure right here.

Clip:
Cure? Give me that.

Xavier:
You don't want to drink that.

[Clip drinks the aids]

Clip:
Ahh. Cure-alicious.

[starts to get aids]

Clip:
Is it working?

Bully #3:
Yeah, Clip, it's working. Just go towards the light.

Clip:
is that you Grandmama. Oh come here.

[Clip and Grandmama starts kissing each other like lesbians]

Grandmama:
Oh, Clipple.

Xavier:
Now's not the time, but your brother died of shameful lifestyle choice.

Chief Master Guru:
Youngling, you must tame the beast with soul-soothing song.

Xavier:
No time to gab. I've got to cobble together a makeshift Shakhashiri to tame a certain beast. See yourself out.

Burbury Visitor Info:
That music -- so soothing. It's notes he's not playing.

Xavier:
Here's a new philosophical query for you to chomp on.

Man:
Oh my god! What a thought. It's intense!

Xavier:
You and I both knew what we had couldn't last. I do love you. But the love of my life is a lady named "Ramblin' On."

Xavier:
[thinking] So maybe we are just blips in a void of nothingness. And now it's time for me to walk away. [echoing] Walk away, walk away.

Man:
Hey, where you headed, mister?

Xavier:
Whichever path frau destiny sets beneath this seeker, this pupil of the universe is as good as any.

Man:
Cool. Check this out.

[shows his penis, then spurts out blood]

Xavier:
They say 'tis often the tiniest among us hath the biggest need. You hear that? Of course I do. I'm the one who asked.

Xavier:
Easy, stranger. Your leg looks dislocated pretty bad. I'll pop it back in, but it's gonna hurt. Ready? Inhale. Hold. Hold. Hale. Always glad to help my brethren in the kingdom of life.

Man:
What in the human intimates you doing, freak? Bestial-ulating that skeeter?

Man:
You see what this weirdo here is saying?

Man #2:
Wait, which weirdo?

Xavier:
I believe that we are all one. By helping this tiny mosquito, in a way, I'm helping your mother.

Man:
He's comparing the universal oneness of all life to your mama!

Xavier:
Take that! Taste the pain!

Man #2:
My eye! My visual connection to this beautiful world has been severed!

Xavier:
What's wrong? You're flying all funny. Did he clip you?

Mosquito:
Twas my only chance to save these younglings. Forgive mmm... [unintelligible buzzing]

Xavier:
To be a hero, you have to go looking for trouble. Wherever there is suffering, I was there. Wherever there is injustice, I was there. And where there is crying... I'm right here.

Xavier:
What's wrong, kid?

Percy:
These guys -- they were Mexican, they were gang members, and they smashed my mascot costume.

Xavier:
You need to slow it down. Relax. Inhale. Hold. Hold.

[Xavier randomly drink in front of him]

Xavier:
Ahh. Hold. Hold. Little longer. Hold.

[Percy gets in a coma for inhaling]

Xavier:
Hale.

Xavier:
Now, who did this to you?

Percy:
These guys -- these Mexicans -- they carved their tag on me, and I was supposed to be the new mascot of the team, and they we're Mexicans, and they ruined my costume --

Xavier:
I could be your costume. Do you think you can fit inside me?

Percy:
No, but you could tell people I'm inside you and go put on a show as the mascot and make everyone love me, 'cause they think it's me, not you.

Announcer:
Hey there, ho there, ladies and gentlemen. Your crazies have a brand-new mascot who's played by Percy Handfisher, A sophomore whose parents were recently killed in a thresher.

Announcer:
Troubled High, give a warm, troubled, hey there, ho there to your trouble cra-a-zy!

Dance Music:
Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment?

Xavier:
Frittata.

Announcer:
Hey there, ho there, ladies and gentlemen, the opposing team is so intimidated by your troubled crazy mascot, they are forfeiting the game thanks to Percival Handfisher.

Fan:
Percy, I want to be your girlfriend! I want you, Percy!

Mexican Gang Leader:
You did good, Percy. Sorry for beating you up before.

Xavier:
I can take it. I'm tough enough to join your little gang.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Nobody has ever survived out initiation. Come give it a try. Here's my card. It's got embossed-gold 12-point courier font on bone-white semigloss stock.

Mocho:
Bone white? I thought we all agreed to get eggshell white. Absurdity!

Mexican Gang Leader:
I'm the leader! I say bone white! [thinking] Its haunting elegance is so restrained.

Xavier:
Chief Master Guru, You have so many wisdoms left to teach me. Years of you and I together.

Chief Master Guru:
Of course, youngling. Uh, what's that behind you?

Xavier:
I don't see any-- [Xavier turns back to see the Chief dead] Chief Master Guru! I vow to ramble these worlds and find the evil ones who did this to avenge your death.

Chief Master Guru:
That gets rid of that headache. [teasing] Yes, avenge me. [laughs]

Xavier:
Chief?

[Chief Master Guru proceeds to play dead again]

Xavier:
I did it. You're a hit. Everyone loves you now. You even have a girlfriend.

Percy:
Really? Is he disabled?

Xavier:
Stay hidden for while. I want to infiltrate the gang. I just may have some avenging chief beef to queef.

Percy:
No, I can't stay down here.

Xavier:
Calm it down. Close your eyes. Inhale. [pulls up a portable radio by saying "hold" to distract Percy for a while] Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold.

Man:
I don't have your money, man.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Then I'm taking back what's mine. Now boil his blood and get our drugs back. Charge him a recycling fee.

Mexican Gang Leader:
I'm surprised you showed up,

Xavier:
Well, I'm not surprised about how much I like to do crime.

Mexican Gang Leader:
You just passed the first test.

Mexican Gang Leader:
We just ordered a pizza, and when it comes, you have to kill the deliveryman.

Xavier:
Okay, but I want to kill him outside, alone, in the dark.

Mexican Gang Member #3:
It's okay. We all have our own way of killing. Me, I like to kill on the beach.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
I like to kill to music.

Mocho:
It's kind of embarrassing, but I like to kill on the toilet. I think it's because, when I was a kid...

Police Officer:
Kid, your mother just died.

Mexican Gang Member #3:
Mocho, that's not why you like to kill on the toilet. That's why you don't like cereal.

Mocho:
Oh, yeah.

[throws the bowl of cereal that randomly appear out of nowhere]

Xavier:
You are supposed to be dead right now, but here -- 20 bucks. Get out of town and start a new life.

Deliverymen:
Hey, thanks, mister. Thanks for the shot.

Xavier:
I killed him hard. Pulled out his heart and showed it to him, and he was like, "Nice."

Mexican Gang Leader:
Now phase two. You have to watch us eat the pizza with nary a slice for yourself.

Mocho:
Hey, he forgot our cuckoo-bread.

Deliveryman:
Uh, I know I'm dead, but I forgot to give you your cuckoo-bread.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
A g-g-ghost!

Mocho:
You got a ghost to bring us cuckoo-bread.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Percy! You have shown true loco spirit. I think you are a prime candidate for our annual Pauper-to-Prince program.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
I thought this was my year.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Once a year, we let one novice member sit in as gang leader for a week. I benefit, as I get to see the gang from a novice perspective, and then you benefit by experiencing the hardships that come with the administrative role that I play.

Xavier:
I'm game.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Percy, I crown thee temporary leader of the Local Locos.

Xavier:
What's on the docket for today?

Mocho:
Well, Wednesday night is Tag Tuesday, where we paint our tag all over town.

Xavier:
I propose a new loco tag -- solid white.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Ooh, Minimalista.

[hours later spraying the walls white]

Mocho:
I can think so cleary without all the visual clutter.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Now everyone will know the Locos are crazy about postmodernist aesthetic contextual reframing.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Okay, Thursday night is Mailroom Monday. We just got our new shipment.

Xavier:
What do you do if the cops come knocking?

Mexican Gang Leader:
We toilet flush the drugs.

Xavier:
Let's stay one step ahead of the cops. Flush them now.

Mexican Gang Leader:
I like. One step ahead of the policia.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Friday night is Taco Tuesday.

Xavier:
This week, instead of eating tacos, let's just talk...oh.

All:
Oh.

Xavier:
So, who wants to spill it first? What do your heart spirits have to say to your mind-sacs?

Mocho:
I guess I tend to use my switchblade as a defense mechanism.

Mexican Gang Member #5:
You guys are the only family I have -- Maybe because you guys killed my family.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
Before tonight, I could never express myself with words. I always did it like this. ["La Cucaracha" plays]

Mexican Gang Member #5:
[crying]

Mexican Gang leader:
You're right -- Rape is not an excuse. It's a reason, and tonight, everything seems so reasonable.

Mocho:
I'm big now, but I recently dropped 230 pounds. Yeah, I dumped your wife! I guess I told that joke as a way to avoid the real issue. I love your wife. She dumped me.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
How do they expect me to stay out of jail? That's where all my stuff is.

Mocho:
Here's why I never take off my shirt when we go swimming. [shows his belly that drawed himself showing another belly as poop]

Mexican Gang Leader:
So she says, "Oh, that puppy is the cutest thing in the world." And it's like, I'm standing right here, Mom. I'm standing right here.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
Maybe I do have more issues than a magazine stand, but all those magazines are puro fancy. I wanted to be a vato. I just want to groom and train poodles.

Mocho:
I secretly groom and train poodles.

Mexican Gang Leader:
Are you guys messing with me? Whenever you turn your back, I secretly groom and train poodles. Watch. Turn you back. I'm doing it. I'm doing it!

Mexican Gang Member:
I can't see. My back is turned.

Xavier:
Passion -- This is what gangbanging ought to be about.

Mocho:
Oh, no. Shiny's coming to town, and he wants his drug shipment. We just flushed ourselves a death sentence.

Xavier:
Who's Shiny?

Mexican Gang Leader:
He's only the biggest drug dealer since Truman.

Mexican Gang Member #4:
He's so rich, he had every cell in his body platinumed.

Xavier:
Well, you just had every cell in your body passioned.

Xavier:
From now on, "L.L." stands for "Supportive Community of Connected Spirits."

Shiny:
You give up your game, and I'll get you a job at the Jobby Job Center.

Mexican Gang Leader:
I don't want Percy to be our leader anymore.

Mexican Gang Member:
You should have picked me.

Shiny:
[punches Xavier while talking] Give...Me...Back...My...Son! Wait...Sorry...I...Mean...Drugs!

Skeeter-Beast:
That'll give you time to reflect.

[throws Shiny into a boil of lava]

Shiny:
I accept Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior! Yes made it! [groans]

Xavier:
You were so sexy out there, Skeeter-Beast. You're my passion.

Skeeter-Beast:
Sorry, but I'm with someone who doesn't lie about who they are on the inside. Come on, Percy, lend me some sugar.

Xavier:
And now I ramble forth on my endless journey to be the greatest aid-spreader of all time.

Xavier:
They say when you die, you sh*t your pants. But not me, I'm gonna sh*t my heart.

Xavier:
You may have gotten checkmate, but we're playing Chinese checkers.

Xavier:
Fate. Destiny. Fatestiny. People toss those words around like tennis balls. Well I eat balls for breakfast.

Xavier:
I'm not violent at all, Look.

[Xavier violates the people]

Ink Blot:
You killed those people.

Xavier:
Did I? What he doesn't know is that I'm using reverse psychology on him.

Ink Blot:
I can tell you're trying to use reverse psychology on me.

Xavier:
That proves he doesn't know.

Xavier's Dad:
Son, it was you who killed me.

Xavier:
What kind of stupid name is yoohoo?

Man:
What are you, a Chinaman?

Xavier:
I wish I knew myself.

Xavier:
TV, the devil's dream box.

Six Hours ($435.25) Later

Xavier:
Yeah, TV, really rots your nut.

Xavier:
Pain is never the fault of the feeler, it's just the fault of your actions you consciously chose to make.

Xavier:
But I am hot on your trail, sicko. You can feel my hot breath on your neck.

[invisible breathing]

Xavier:
The hunter has become the hunter-ed. The chaser has become the choste. Dame Fortuna has had her franking privileges revoked. It seems the portrait has painted the artist, sketching the reverser, who has become the reversed. But this time, The suffixed will become the sufferer, and it appears the baby killer is about to kill a baby. [vomits] Which reminds me. I got to go feed my babies.

Ever-Child:
You, Paul, When you were 6 and you killed that spider monkey with that claw hammer, you really just squashed your heart with that hammer, and that's why you became a dirty pig cop.

Paul:
He's right!

[gunshot himself]

Police Civilian:
Just hit the switch, Rodney.

Rodney:
You weren't supposed to say my name! I'm wearing the hood! You promised! [sobs]

Xavier:
I dream hard of helping people. Oh, yeah. Helping people... [strained] Helping people... [groaning] Oh, god. I'm gonna pop... [echoing] pop, pop, pop...

Commercial Narrator:
"Darfur Doodle" will be right black!

Clumso:
Whoopsie Doodle! There was a mix-up at the cookie factory! We made these cookies way too big, and the chocolate chips b-b-b-b-blue?!

Xavier:
My god. no one deserves a mixed up that bad. I've got to help those poor bastards.

Clumso:
Clumso the Cookie Chef really popped a boner into these yummy snacks! Blue Chocolate Whoopsie Doodles! Availible for a limited time only!

Xavier:
Damn you, Clumso! How many times am I going to have to clean up your messes?! For this is my destiny...

Clumso:
Uh-oh! Now there was a factory mix-up! We accidentally mixed up the cookie factory with the tampon factory! Now our cookies absorb up to 2 pints of flavor!

Boy:
Yummy! And the light floral scent keeps me feeling fresh all day!

Clumso:
These blue-chocolate-chip tampons are goo-ably, chewably huge! So huge, it hurts! Just slice and insert!

Woman:
They make it safe to wear white pants, and they're nice and huge!

Woman 2:
I gobble them while they gobble my filth.

Man:
What do I care? [flips off the camera while driving away]

Woman 3:
It's my time for my yummy -- Period.

Clumso:
Exclamation point!

Xavier:
Question mark?

Xavier:
It's the drumbeat to which our spirits dance. It's only the size of a fist, but it packs a lot more punch. Some folks say its every beat is the sound of god kicking an angel in the face.

Xavier:
Life is just death in drag.

Xavier:
My heart's beating to heal the suffering. I want to spread that beating around to those less fortunate than...

[an XRA logo appears out of thin air]

Robby:
...and so the Rabbi said, "No, you have chicken mouth."

Xavier:
Hey, you ruffians, leave that poor gimp alone.

Kid #1:
Who you calling "gimp," weirdo?

Xavier:
He probably can't tell you're mocking him. He's obviously slow.

Kid #2:
Robby's not slow. He's a genius.

Xavier:
Well, he's got a funny way of showing it.

[Xavier kicks Robby's wheelchair]

Xavier:
Look. I'm not 'tarded like Robby here, so I know that a group of strapping bucks as cool as you would never waste your time with a boy whose legs are as dead as a Thanksgiving turkey with all the trimmings.

Kid #1:
You apologize right now.

Xavier:
I'll never apologize for defending the weak, the meek, and the useless. Plus I'm a board-certified Wahakamana healer, and the winds of fate sent me here to...

[Xavier does the Indian chant enhancing Robby]

Kid #2:
Get your hand off his leg, you perv!

[Take that. Taste the pain. Take that. Taste the pain.]

[Robby taste the food from his leg]

Robby:
It's cranberry sauce.

Xavier:
I'm the answer to all your prayers, blown into your dead lap by the winds of fortune to be your life crutch.

Robby:
Let me get those facial abrasions sutured.

Xavier:
Cute. You want to help me. The pupil emulates the master.

Robby:
Come on. My dad's a doctor. His office is right over here.

Xavier:
This is your pop's chop shop, huh?

Robby:
I got to go make water.

Xavier:
Spray it. Don't say it. Poor kid's nervous around his new life mystic.

[button ringing]

Xavier:
Peep show.

Robby's Dad:
Okay, this is gonna be a routine double bypass. Bow your heads, please. Dear Lord, We just want to thank you for your guiding touch. Let's get on with it.

Robby's Dad:
Scalpel, Lord. And oh, Lord, we just pray you can make a lateral incision in the "chestical" cavity.

Robby's Dad:
And in this time of need, oh, Lord, we just pray you replace the arterial valice with a synthetic flange grappler. I said arterial valice, Lord. What, did you switch to decaf? Come on!

Xavier:
[thinking] I'd like to see this guy pray an abortion.

Robby's Dad:
Wipe, Lord? Hoagie, Lord?

Xavier:
This guy's pretty good. Of course, I would have gone with the grinder.

Robby's Dad:
You're gonna live. Stay off that knee for a week.

[following after they did the man's chest surgery]

Robby:
How much did you see?

Xavier:
How much did YOU see?

Robby:
It's just Christian science. That's all. Okay, you caught me.

Robby:
Daddy can't ever know about my lab. He thinks science is evil, and the Lord heals all.

Xavier:
How does he explain the fact that his own son's legs make me want to puke all over them?

Robby:
Um, he never says that.

Robby:
This is spreadable bread. And it's self-eating.

Xavier:
Amazing. I feel so full. I got to use the bathroom.

Robby:
I got that covered.

[presses the self-portable toilet button]

Xavier:
Don't do any weird stuff like that. [tastes the inert chemicals]

Robby:
That's dangerous.

Xavier:
Needs coconut.

Robby:
What?

Xavier:
Tastes a little bitter. It could use some coconut.

Robby:
Maybe a fibrous protein is just what it needs. A coconut wouldn't work. But coco-nut, my artificial coconut spread, might.

Xavier:
One time I created something, called a "thurrito." It's a burrito within a burrito within the heart of that same burrito.

Xavier:
It's a total mind-blinder, but you don't hear me bragging about it all over your face.

Robby:
I just think this is pretty significant.

Xavier:
You're not better than me, okay?! Just 'cause you created life doesn't make you some kind of God. There's more to life than life.

Robby:
I didn't mean to make you jealous, I just --

Xavier:
Condescension -- The last refuge of the different abled. "Crypical."

Xavier:
Don't talk down to me from down there on your sparkling high horse.

Xavier:
You are just as ugly on the inside as you are on the outside.

Robby:
I feel I'm reasonably attractive.

Xavier:
Oh, yeah? Stand up and say that to my face. Oh, yeah, I forgot. You can't stand. So maybe I have a memory problem, but at least I can --

Xavier:
Uh, I can do the...

Robby:
Stand?

Xavier:
No, thanks, guy. I'm beat. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, I was walking out of here. Your thurrito-hating ego-tude just turned your guardian angel into your guardian enemy.

Unknown Voice:
Your heart feels like exploding.

Xavier:
It's not just my heart that's hardening.

Robby's Dad:
I'd swim through a "lake full of water" for these cakes.

Robby's Dad:
That's the only thing that would put out the "raging fire in my belly" for these cakes.

Bakery Woman:
That's an "ODD" thing to say.

[Xavier runs in]

Xavier:
Doc, your son showed me his private places, and now I'm going to show them to you.

Robby's Dad:
So, Robby was controlling everything. It's all lies!

Xavier:
Now he's playing the ultimate liar. He's playing God right underneath your nose.

[shows the close up to Robby's nose]

Xavier:
Good hang, but I got to motor. Got to take a float on a gloat boat in lake just desserts.

Robby's Dad:
All that is real is annihilation!

Robby:
If my dad found out I was using science to help him with his Christian Science, he'd be crushed.

Xavier:
You need to move on from losing your father back there. You need closure.

Robby:
Closure?! The explosion hasn't even ended yet!

Old Man:
Would you mind taking a photo of me and my wife with the ever-explosion?

T-Shirts Seller:
T-shirts! Get your ever-explosion t-shirts!

Onion Seller:
Red-hot ever-booming exploding-onion on a stick!

Chili Corn Egg Seller:
Chili corn cone egg! Ever-explosion of flavor!

Chili Cone Egg Seller:
Don't get a chili corn cone egg! Get a chili cone corn egg!

Xavier:
Listen up. This is not an ordinary explosion. It's alive.

Citizen #1:
That weirdo's got a hard-on for the explosion!

Xavier:
Please. You're making it angry. Your making its soul angry.

Citizen #2:
Angry? Explosion's too stupid to get angry.

Citizens:
[laughs]

Citizen #1:
That thing has no more soul than an exploding monkey!

[The everlasting explosion starts to grow angrier]

Citizen #1:
[laughs then realizes] Oh, my god. It's alive!

Citizen #2:
I knew it!