Yes Minister

Bernard Woolley:
That's one of those irregular verbs, isn't it? I give confidential security briefings. You leak. He has been charged under section 2a of the Official Secrets Act.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[Talking about Government reports] it could be argued that the Sermon on the Mount, were it a government report, would never have been published.

[pauses]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
All that nonsense about the meek inheriting the Earth.

[pauses]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It could do irreparable damage to the defence budget!

Betty Oldham:
Look, Sir Humphrey, whatever we ask the Minister, he says is an administrative question for you, and whatever we ask you, you say is a policy question for the Minister. How do you suggest we find out what is going on?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, yes, yes, I do see that there is a real dilemma here. In that, while it has been government policy to regard policy as a responsibility of Ministers and administration as a responsibility of Officials, the questions of administrative policy can cause confusion between the policy of administration and the administration of policy, especially when responsibility for the administration of the policy of administration conflicts, or overlaps with, responsibility for the policy of the administration of policy.

Betty Oldham:
Well, that's a load of meaningless drivel. Isn't it?

[On the 1938 Munich Agreement]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It occurred before certain important facts were known, and couldn't happen again.

James Hacker:
What important facts?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe.

James Hacker:
I thought that everybody knew that.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Not the Foreign Office.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
We write him a speech that makes him nail his trousers to the mast.

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, you mean nail his colours to the mast.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, nail his trousers to the mast. Then he can't climb down.

James Hacker:
Why is it that Ministers can't ever go anywhere without their briefs?

Bernard Woolley:
It's in case they get caught with their trousers down.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I sometimes think our minister doesn't believe that he exists unless he reads about himself in the papers. I'll bet you the first thing he says when he gets into the office is, "Any press reports on my Washington speech?"

Bernard Woolley:
How much do you bet?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
A pound.

Bernard Woolley:
Done! He won't because he's already asked. In the car on the way back from Heathrow.

[about writing speeches for the minister]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
We can't worry about entertaining people. We are not scriptwriters for a comedian. Well not a professional one, anyway.

James Hacker:
You said yourself how important these select committees are. I cannot be seen to mislead them.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
You will not be SEEN to mislead them.

James Hacker:
The committee isn't the least bit interested in the nature of truth. They're all MP's!

James Hacker:
I'm made to look like I've wasted all the money that everybody else has been saving.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, minister. Nobody else have been saving anything. You ought to know that by now!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Government policy has nothing to do with common sense.

James Hacker:
I have backed you up, Humphrey, in just the same way that you have always backed me up. Isn't that so?

[Sir Humphrey is so shocked he can only utter some unintelligible words]

James Hacker:
[to Sir Humphrey] Did you say something?

Bernard Woolley:
I think he said "Yes, minister".

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
A tiny mistake. The sort that anyone can make.

James Hacker:
A tiny mistake? 75,000 pounds? Give me an example of a big mistake.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Letting people find out about it.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, Bernard, have you enjoyed having your Minister away for a week?

Bernard Woolley:
Not very much. Makes things very difficult.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Ah, Bernard! A Minister's absence is a godsend! You can do the job properly for once. No silly questions, no bright ideas, no fussing about the papers. I think our Minister doesn't believe he exists unless he's in the papers. I'll bet the first thing he says is, "Any reports on my Washington speech?"

Bernard Woolley:
How much?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
A pound.

Bernard Woolley:
Done. He won't because he's already asked. In the car on the way back from Heathrow.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
You're learning, Bernard. Sit down. See why a Minister's absence is a good thing?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes, but so much work piles up.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
With a couple of days' briefing before he goes and debriefing after, he's out of our hair for a fortnight. If he complains of being uninformed, say it came up while he was away.

Bernard Woolley:
Hence so many summit conferences?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
That's the only way the country works! Concentrate all the power at Number 10 then send the PM away to EEC summits, NATO summits, Commonwealth summits, anywhere! Then the Cabinet Secretary can run the country properly.

Bernard Woolley:
We ought to see him now.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
What do you think of the Washington speech? [Reads] "British administration as a model of loyalty and efficiency. A ruthless war on waste, cutting bureaucracy to the bone. A lesson Britain can teach the world!"

Bernard Woolley:
Can we prove it?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
A good speech isn't one where we can prove he's telling the truth. It's one in which nobody else can prove he's lying!

Bernard Woolley:
But even so, I'm sure it was good, but I just wondered whether it might have been boring for the audience.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Of course it was boring! Bored the pants of them! Ghastly to have to sit through it, I should think! Ministers' speeches aren't written for the audience. Delivering a speech is just a formality you go through to get into the papers. We can't worry about entertaining. We're not writing for a comedian. Well, not a professional one. The point is the speech said the right things.

Bernard Woolley:
But why say it in public?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It's vital. Once it's printed, the Minister has to defend us in select committees.

Bernard Woolley:
He defends us anyway.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well... Only to a point, Bernard. Once something goes wrong, the Minister's first instinct is to rat on his department. That's why we write him a speech that nails his trousers to the mast.

Bernard Woolley:
You mean nail his colours to the mast?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, his trousers. Then he can't climb down!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It must be hard for a political adviser to understand this, but I'm merely a civil servant. I simply do as I am instructed by my master.

James Hacker:
What happens when a Minister is a woman, what'll you call her?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, that is rather interesting. We sought an answer to that point when I was Principal Private Secretary and Dr. Edith Summerskill - as she then was - was appointed Minister in 1947. I didn't quite like to refer to her as my mistress.

James Hacker:
What was the answer?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, we're still waiting for it.

[Hacker is about to ask for advice from his predecessor, a member of the Opposition party]

James Hacker:
The Opposition aren't the opposition.

Annie Hacker:
No of course not, silly of me. They're just called the opposition.

James Hacker:
They're only the opposition in exile. The Civil Service is the opposition in residence.

James Hacker:
Look Tom. You were in office for years. You know all the civil service tricks.

Tom Sargent - Opposition MP:
Oh no, not all old boy. Just a few hundred.

James Hacker:
How do you defeat them? How do you make them do something they don't want to do?

Tom Sargent - Opposition MP:
My dear fellow. If I knew that I wouldn't be in opposition.

[Hacker has just hung up after calling Sir Humphrey at 2 a.m. about a paper about the national database]

James Hacker:
Oh, damn. I meant to tell him to come and see me about it before cabinet.

Annie Hacker:
Don't ring him now!

James Hacker:
No. Perhaps you're right. It is a bit late.

Annie Hacker:
Give him another ten minutes...

[talking about honours and the abbreviations of the Order of St Michael and St George:
CMG, KCMG and GCMG]

Bernard Woolley:
Of course in the service, CMG stands for Call Me God. And KCMG for Kindly Call Me God.

James Hacker:
What does GCMG stand for?

Bernard Woolley:
God Calls Me God.

James Hacker:
When did a civil servant last refuse an honour?

Bernard Woolley:
Well I think there was somebody in the Treasury that refused a Knighthood.

James Hacker:
Good God. When?

Bernard Woolley:
I think it was 1496.

James Hacker:
Why?

Bernard Woolley:
He'd already got one.

The Master of Ballie College:
How might one set about persuading a Minister of the importance of Baillie College?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, I don't know. Why don't you get him down here to a High Table dinner?

The Master of Ballie College:
Is he of the intellectual caliber to understand our case?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh yes. Well, surely our case is intelligible to anyone with the intellectual caliber of of Winnie-the-Pooh.

The Master of Ballie College:
Quite. And Hacker *is* of the intellectual caliber of Winnie-the-Pooh?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh yes. On his day.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Minister, if you block honours pending economies, you might create a dangerous precedent.

James Hacker:
You mean that if we do the right thing this time, we might have to do the right thing again next time. It seems on that philosophy, nothing would ever get done at all.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
On the contrary, many, many things must be done...

Sir Humphrey Appleby, James Hacker:
[together] but nothing must be done for the first time.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, no, Minister. What I mean is that I am fully seized of your aims and of course I will do my utmost to see that they are put into practice.

James Hacker:
If you would.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
And to that end, I recommend that we set up an interdepartmental committee with fairly broad terms of reference so that at the end of the day we'll be in the position to think through the various implications and arrive at a decision based on long-term considerations rather than rush prematurely into precipitate and possibly ill-conceived action which might well have unforeseen repercussions.

James Hacker:
You mean no.

James Hacker:
I'm not going to approve any honour to any civil servant in this department who hasn't earned it.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
What do you mean "earned it"?

James Hacker:
I mean "earned it". "Done something to deserve it".

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[indignantly] But that's unheard of!

Bernard Woolley:
Actually, minister. Baillie College does have an outstanding record. It's filled the jails of the British Empire for many years.

James Hacker:
That is the last interview I give for a school magazine; she asked some very difficult questions.

Annie Hacker:
Not difficult, just innocent. She was assuming there was some moral basis to your activities.

James Hacker:
Well, there is.

Annie Hacker:
Oh Jim, don't be silly.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Minister, it takes time to do things 'now'.

James Hacker:
The three articles of civil service faith: it takes longer to do things quickly; it's more expensive to do them cheaply; it's more democratic to do them in secret.

[about Hacker's plan to promote more women in the civil service]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Minister. I have come to the conclusion that you were right.

James Hacker:
Are you being serious, Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes indeed, Minister. I am fully-seized of your ideas and have taken them on board and I am now positively against discrimination against women and positively in favour of positive discrimination in their favour - discriminating discrimination of course.

James Hacker:
Sarah tells me this complaint is nonsense.

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, fine. So we can CGSM it.

James Hacker:
CGSM?

Bernard Woolley:
Civil service code. It stands for Consignment of Geriatric Shoe Manufacturers. Load of old cobblers, Minister.

James Hacker:
I'm not a civil servant. I shall use my own code. I shall write "round objects".

Bernard Woolley:
Remember that letter you wrote "round objects" on? Sir Humphrey has commented on it.

James Hacker:
What's he say?

Bernard Woolley:
"Who is Round and to what does he object?"

[Sir Humphrey is interviewing a prospective appointee]

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
So it all boils down to the Industry Co-partnership Commission. Still, I find that quite acceptable.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, it is within the gift of my Minister, and you need only put in appearances once or twice a month.

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Are there lots of papers?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, but it wouldn't be awfully necessary to read them.

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Then I wouldn't have anything to say at the monthly meetings.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Splendid, I can see you're just the chap I'm looking for.

Bernard Woolley:
How was Watergate different, exactly?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Watergate happened in America, Bernard.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Bernard, Ministers should never know more than they need to know. Then they can't tell anyone. Like secret agents, they could be captured and tortured.

Bernard Woolley:
You mean by terrorists?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
By the BBC, Bernard.

Bernard Woolley:
Then the report's foresight had some insight, in the light of hindsight.

[last lines]

Frank Weisel:
What about my quango paper, then?

James Hacker:
Invaluable. Take it with you.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I'll, um, I'll keep a copy if I may. On the files.

James Hacker:
With the Solihull report?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, Minister.

[the Minister asks for a different chair for his desk]

Bernard Woolley:
It used to be said there were two kinds of chairs to go with two kinds of Ministers: one sort that folds up instantly, the other sort goes round and round in circles.

[Jim Hacker is being introduced to his new position as Minister]

James Hacker:
Who else is in this department?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well briefly, sir, I am the Permanent Under Secretary of State, known as the Permanent Secretary. Woolley here is your Principal Private Secretary, I too have a Principal Private Secretary and he is the Principal Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary. Directly responsible to me are ten Deputy Secretaries, eighty-seven Under Secretaries and two hunddred and nineteen Assistant Secretaries. Directly responsible to the Principal Private Secretaries are plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will be appointing two Parliamentary Under-Secretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.

James Hacker:
Do they all type?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
None of us can type, Minister. Mrs. McKay types. She's the secretary.

James Hacker:
You do overreact to everything so. *The telephone rings and he hurriedly reaches for it

James Hacker:
What are you looking for?

Annie Hacker:
Cigarette, I can't find any.

James Hacker:
Cigarette box.

Annie Hacker:
It's empty.

James Hacker:
Take a librium.

Annie Hacker:
I can't find the librium; that's why I'm looking for a cigarette.

Annie Hacker:
I didn't know Bill could speak French.

James Hacker:
He can hardly speak English.

James Hacker:
*There is a ringing noise Hello? Hello? Hello?

Annie Hacker:
Darling; that's the front door.

Frank Weisel:
Did you know that Martin's got the Foreign Office?

James Hacker:
Has he?

Frank Weisel:
Jack's got Health, Fred's got energy.

Annie Hacker:
Has anybody got brains?

James Hacker:
You mean Education?

Annie Hacker:
No, I know what I mean.

James Hacker:
Well what's left? I mean what have I got?

Annie Hacker:
Rhythm?

Annie Hacker:
Oh congratulations Prime Minister. Misses Hacker here. [Jim drops a pot out of nervousness]

[there has arisen the possibility of James Hacker becoming Prime Minister]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
How would you feel about your present master as the next Prime Minister?

[Bernard looks at his watch]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Are you in a hurry?

Bernard Woolley:
No, I was just checking my watch to see it wasn't April 1st!

[the Home Secretary has been forced to resign after a drink-driving incident]

James Hacker:
What will happen to him?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, I gather he was as drunk as a lord. So, after a discreet interval, they'll probably make him one.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
How are things at the Campaign for the Freedom of Information, by the way?

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Sorry, I can't talk about that.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I think they refer to it as "horizontal jogging".

Annie Hacker:
[Bernard is waiting at the Hackers' flat for the Minister to come home] He's obviously been held up. You can stamp some of these cards for me while you're waiting if you like.

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, but aren't they to constituents?

Annie Hacker:
Yes.

Bernard Woolley:
Well, that's not government business, Mrs Hacker, that's political activity. I'm not allowed to help with the Minister's political activities.

Annie Hacker:
Suppose they were all to journalists?

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, that would be alright.

Annie Hacker:
They're all to journalists.

Bernard Woolley:
Fine. I suppose licking is an essential part of relationships with the press.

Bernard Woolley, James Hacker, Annie Hacker:
Have you heard the news?

Bernard Woolley, James Hacker, Annie Hacker:
Yes!

Bernard Woolley:
So the resignation is to give time for the new leader to be run in before the next election?

Annie Hacker:
Now the Home Secretary's been run in already! [They both laugh]

Bernard Woolley:
[Discussing possible reasons for the Prime Minister's early retirement] Minister, I've heard something quite different.

James Hacker:
What?

Bernard Woolley:
That there is ?1 million worth of diamonds from South Africa in a Downing Street safe, but of course it's only a rumour.

James Hacker:
Is that true?

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, yes.

James Hacker:
So, there ARE all those diamonds in Downing Street!

Bernard Woolley:
Are there?

James Hacker:
You just said there were.

Bernard Woolley:
No, I didn't.

James Hacker:
Yes, you did! You said you'd heard this rumour, I said is it true, you said yes!

Bernard Woolley:
I said yes, it was true that it was a rumour.

James Hacker:
You said you heard it was true!

Bernard Woolley:
No, I said it was true that I heard it!

Annie Hacker:
I'm sorry to cut into this important discussion, but do you believe it?

James Hacker:
I believe I heard it. Oh, about the diamonds. No.

Annie Hacker:
Is it impossible?

James Hacker:
No, but it's never been officially denied. First rule in politics: never believe anything until it's officially denied.

Sir Mark Spencer:
[intending to dupe Hacker into taking a thankless job] But Sir Humphrey Appleby is bound to tell Hacker he'd be crazy to take it on.

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Yes. "Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes", I can hear him say. "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts", roughly translated. Though Humphrey would have put it in English for Hacker's benefit. Hacker went to the LSE, you know.

Sir Mark Spencer:
So did I.

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Oh, I *am* sorry.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Formulating policy means making choices. Once you do that, you please the people that you favour, but infuriate everybody else. One vote gained, ten lost. If you give the job to the road services, the rail board and unions will scream. Give it to the railways, the road lobby will massacre you. Cut British Airways investment plans, they'll hold a devastating press conference that same day.

James Hacker:
But I'm going to be Transport Supremo!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I believe the Civil Service vernacular is Transport Muggins!

James Hacker:
No, the Prime Minister has asked me to undertake this task, this necessary duty. After all, we must all endeavour to do our duty. Furthermore, Sir Mark thinks there may be votes in it. And if so, I don't intend to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I put it to you, Minister, that you are looking a Trojan horse in the mouth!

James Hacker:
If we look closely at this gift horse, we'll find it full of Trojans?

Bernard Woolley:
If you had looked a Trojan horse in the mouth, Minister, you'd have found Greeks inside. Well the point is, it was the Greeks who gave the Trojan horse to the Trojans, so technically, it wasn't a Trojan horse at all, it was a Greek horse. Hence the tag "Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes", which you'll recall, is usually and somewhat inaccurately translated as "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts". Or doubtless you would have recalled had you not attended the LSE.

James Hacker:
Greek tags are all very well, but can we stick to the point?

Bernard Woolley:
Sorry, Greek tags?

James Hacker:
"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts". I suppose the EEC equivalent would be, "Beware Greeks bearing an olive oil surplus"!

Bernard Woolley:
No, the point is, Minister, just as the Trojan horse was Greek, what you call a Greek tag is, in fact, Latin. It's obvious, really: The Greeks would never suggest bewaring of themselves, if one can use such a participle, and it's clearly Latin not because "Timeo" ends in "o", as the Greek first person also ends in "o". No, there is a Greek word "Timao" meaning "I honour", but the "os" ending is a nominative singular termination of a second declension in Greek and an accusative plural in Latin, though actually Danaos is not only the Greek for Greek, it's also the Latin for Greek.

Sir Arnold Robinson:
[Discussing bringing in a National Intergrated Transport System] It calls for a particular combination of talents. Lots of activity but no actual achievement.

Sir Mark Spencer:
I see. Then Hacker is the man!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[talking about nuclear fallout shelters] Well, you have the weapons, you must have the shelters.

James Hacker:
I sometimes wonder why we need the weapons.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Minister! You're not a unilateralist?

James Hacker:
I sometimes wonder, you know.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well then you must resign from the government!

James Hacker:
Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not *that* unilateralist! Anyway, the Americans will always protect us from the Russians, won't they?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Russians? Who's talking about the Russians?

James Hacker:
Well, the independent deterrent.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It's to protect us against the French!

James Hacker:
Fortunately, Bernard, most of our journalists are so incompetent they'd have the gravest difficulty in finding out that today is Wednesday.

Bernard Woolley:
It's actually Thursday.

[discussing a hospital that has 500 administrators, but no doctors, nurses, or patients]

James Hacker:
You think it's functioning now?

Mrs. Rogers:
Minister, it's one of the best run hospitals in the country. It's up for the Florence Nightingale Award.

James Hacker:
And what, pray, is that?

Mrs. Rogers:
It's won by the most hygienic hospital in the area.

[Jim Hacker has just learned about a brand new hospital with a staff of 500 administrators, but no doctors, nurses or patients from his driver]

James Hacker:
Humphrey I'm appauled!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
So am I, minister!

James Hacker:
The incompetence of it all. The stupidity!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I agree. I can't think what came over you!

Sir Ian Whitchurch:
[to Sir Humphrey] First of all you have to sort out the smooth running of the hospital. Having patients around would be no help at all.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
We are going to get some patients into St. Edwards... eventually, aren't we?

Sir Ian Whitchurch:
It's possible. Certainly our present intention. In a year or two. Probably.

Billy Fraser:
I can assure you, and I I'd like to take this opportunity to assure the general public, that every stone will be left unturned in a search for the settlement.

[last lines]

James Hacker:
Tell the press that it was *my* decision, and that everybody's happy.

Bernard Woolley:
Uh, do, do you want to give them a quote, Minister?

James Hacker:
Oh, why not. Say it was a tough decision, but a necessary one... if Britain is to retain the name of, um...

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The compassionate society, Minister?

James Hacker:
Thank you, Humphrey. The compassionate society. You got that, Bernard?

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, uh, yes, Minister.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Surveillance is an indispensable weapon in the battle against organized crime.

James Hacker:
You're not describing politicians as organized crime?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No... well, disorganized crime too of course.

[a journalist is trying to phrase Hacker's leaking of information to the press]

Walter Fowler:
How would you like to be an informed source?

James Hacker:
OK... informed source.

Walter Fowler:
It's quite a joke really, isn't it?

James Hacker:
What?

Walter Fowler:
Describing someone as informed when his Permanent Secretary is Sir Humphrey Appleby.

[a very successful petition on electronic surveillance has just become politically damaging]

Bernard Woolley:
Shall I file it?

James Hacker:
Shall you file it? Shred it!

Bernard Woolley:
Shred it?

James Hacker:
Nobody must ever be able to find it again.

Bernard Woolley:
In that case, Minister, I think it's best I file it.

James Hacker:
This can't go on, Humphrey!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I'm glad you said that, minister, because it isn't going to. We have just heard from the Special Branch that your protection is being withdrawn.

James Hacker:
Ah, now wait a minute. I... I... I didn't mean... But why?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, the police have suffered an acute personnel establishment shortfall.

James Hacker:
They what?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
They're short-staffed, so they can no longer continue protecting you.

James Hacker:
Short-staffed?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, because of the much more real and dangerous threat to the Soviet Premier at the Chequers meeting tomorrow.

James Hacker:
But he's Russian. I'm British.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, in fact, minister the special branch have reason to believe the threat to your life has been diminished.

James Hacker:
How do they know?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Surveillance. They overheard a conversation.

James Hacker:
What did it say?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, I don't think it is of any imp...

James Hacker:
Come on, Humphrey, I have a right to know!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, it was a conversation to the effect that in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of your remit and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence on the central deliberations and decisions within the political process, that there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda.

James Hacker:
They said that?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
That was the gist of it.

[discussing the EEC]

James Hacker:
The trouble with Brussels is not internationalism, it's too much bureaucracy.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
But the bureaucracy is a consequence of the internationalism. Why else would there be an English Commissioner with a French Director-General immediately below him, and an Italian Chef-du-Division reporting to the Frenchman and so on down the line.

James Hacker:
Oh, I agree.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It's like the Tower of Babel.

James Hacker:
I agree.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, it's even worse, it's like the United Nations.

James Hacker:
I agree.

Bernard Woolley:
Then perhaps, if I may interject, you are in fact in agreement.

James Hacker, Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No we're not!

James Hacker:
Speaking with my parliamentary hat on, I don't think it would be a very good idea; on the other hand, with my Cabinet hat on, I think perhaps it would be a good idea. But there again, with my Party hat on, I can see there could be arguments on both sides.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I see, and which hat are you talking through at the moment?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, Minister, I'm afraid that is the penalty we have to pay for trying to pretend that we're Europeans. Believe me, I fully understand your hostility to Europe.

James Hacker:
I'm not like you, Humphrey. I'm pro-Europe, I'm just anti-Brussels. I sometimes think you're anti-Europe and pro-Brussels.

[discussing a cabinet colleague]

James Hacker:
Don't forget, there's Basil Corbett. He's still out to get me.

Annie Hacker:
Oh, he's out to get everyone.

James Hacker:
He's a smooth-tongued, hardnosed, cold-eyed, two-faced creep.

Annie Hacker:
Why is he so successful?

James Hacker:
Because he's a smooth-tongued, hardnosed, cold-eyed, two-faced creep.

James Hacker:
But we can't stab our partners in the back and spit in their face.

Bernard Woolley:
You can't stab anyone in the back while you spit in their face.

James Hacker:
I suppose we have got rather fond of one another. In a way.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
In a way, yes.

James Hacker:
Like a terrorist and his hostage.

Bernard Woolley:
Which one of you is the terrorist?

James Hacker, Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[pointing at the other] He is!

James Hacker:
You know what they say about the average Common Market official. He has the organising ability of the Italians, the flexibility of the Germans, and the modesty of the French. And that's topped up by the imagination of the Belgians, the generosity of the Dutch and the intelligence of the Irish.

James Hacker:
Europe is a community of nations, dedicated towards one goal.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[laughs]

James Hacker:
May we share the joke, Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Minister, may I? [sits] Let's look at this objectively. It is a game played for national interests and always was. Why do you suppose we went into it?

James Hacker:
To strengthen the brotherhood of free Western nations.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, really. We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans.

James Hacker:
Well, why did the French go into it, then?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition.

James Hacker:
That certainly doesn't apply to the Germans!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, no. They went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the human race.

James Hacker:
Elbows: the most important weapon in a politician's armoury.

Annie Hacker:
Other than integrity!

James Hacker:
Integrity? [bursts out laughing]

Bernard Woolley:
[to Sir Humphrey and Sir Arnold] Wouldn't it be interesting if ministers were fixed and permanent secretaries were shuffled around?

[both Sir Humphrey and Sir Arnold look shocked that somebody could even think of such an outrageous idea]

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Then we might be able to move Corbett to Employment.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh. Why? Is Fred definitely going?

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Yes. He keeps falling asleep in Cabinet.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I thought they all did.

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Yes, but not while they are actually talking...

[Sir Humphrey is trying desperately to get an idea that will make Hacker stay and not go to Brussels]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Supposing you ignore the EEC... and then publish your own plans for word processing machines... with big, big orders for British manufacturers... starting immediately... tomorrow... well certainly before Monday... involving more jobs, investment, more export orders...

James Hacker:
More votes?

[last lines]

James Hacker:
Tell me, Humphrey. Who would have got my position here if I had gone to Brussels?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, I don't know...

Bernard Woolley:
Didn't you tell me it was Basil Corbett?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Basil Corbett... [laughs uncomfortably]

James Hacker:
Oh, I see. Basil Corbett.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[long pause] Yes, Minister.

[repeated line]

Sir Humphrey Appleby, Bernard Woolley, Annie Hacker, Sir Arnold Robinson, George - Jim's Driver:
[referring to the Minister] You've done all right.

James Hacker:
[Discussing the rumoured Cabinet reshuffle] It's difficult to tell. The PM might think I've been too much of a success. You know, a challenge to the leadership.

Annie Hacker:
[disbelievingly] You?

[Discussing property owned by the Department of Administrative Affairs]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Ladysmith House is top secret.

James Hacker:
How can a seven storey building in Walthamstow be top secret?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Where there's a will, there's a way.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Politicians like to panic. They need activity; it's their substitute for achievement!

James Hacker:
How many people have we got in this department?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Er... in this department? Oh. Very small.

James Hacker:
Small? How small?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I don't know...

James Hacker:
2,000? 3,000?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[Counts on his fingers] Um. About 23,000 I think, Minister.

James Hacker:
It is very popular with the voters, Humphrey. Gives them at chance to help us to finds ways to stop wasting government money.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The public doesn't know anything about wasting government money. We're the experts.

[Frank Weisel has told Hacker about a northwest regional controller who have managed to save 32 million pounds]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
He told you it was 32 million pounds?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes, Sir Humprhey.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I'm aghast.

Bernard Woolley:
So was I. I mean it's incredible we didn't know.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I knew about it.

Bernard Woolley:
Then why are you aghast?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I'm aghast that it got out.

James Hacker:
This is a democracy, and the people don't like it.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The people are ignorant and misguided.

James Hacker:
Humphrey, it was the people who elected me!

[Humphrey nods]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
A minister can do what he likes.

James Hacker:
It's the people's will. I am their leader. I must follow them.

James Hacker:
How does it feel, Richard, to move from the Commons to the Lords?

R A Crichton:
Like moving from animals to the vegetables.

Joan Littler:
What does "inert" mean?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Eh, it means it's not... ert.

Bernard Woolley:
Wouldn't 'urt a fly.

James Hacker:
Ministers are not experts. They are chosen expressedly because they know nothing.

[last lines]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Superb, Minister!

Bernard Woolley:
Thank you, Minister.

James Hacker:
Ah well, it was nothing. One must stick by one's friends, eh, Humphrey. And Bernard. Loyalty.

Sir Humphrey Appleby, Bernard Woolley:
Yes, Minister.

James Hacker:
Will you answer a direct question?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I strongly advise you not to ask a direct question.

James Hacker:
Why?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It might provoke a direct answer.

James Hacker:
Never has yet.

Bernard Woolley:
[Around at the Hackers' flat] Oh, there's that jar from Qumran.

Annie Hacker:
Yes, funny enough, a friend of mine was round this afternoon and was frightfully interested in it.

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, really?

Annie Hacker:
Her name's Jenny Goodwin, from "The Guardian".

Bernard Woolley:
The Guardian?

Annie Hacker:
She asked where it came from.

Bernard Woolley:
A journalist?

Annie Hacker:
Yes. Well, the Guardian, anyway. She asked what it was worth. I said about ?50.

Bernard Woolley:
You said about ?50.

Annie Hacker:
Yes, funny enough, she thought it was genuine.

Bernard Woolley:
She thought it was genuine.

Annie Hacker:
Yes. Bernard, you sound like an answering machine.

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Annie Hacker:
She asked if I mind if she rang up the Qumrany Embassy to ask what it was worth.

Bernard Woolley:
To ask what it was worth. [Annie gives him a strange look] Oh, ah, so what did you say?

Annie Hacker:
Oh, I said by all means. It is only a copy, isn't it, Bernard?

Bernard Woolley:
Well, uh, so far as I'm... so I'm... lead to... [glances at his watch] Good gracious, is that the time?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[Bernard has a problem] Tell me about it.

Bernard Woolley:
Well, you know that jar the Minister was given in Qumran? Well, the Minister's wife liked it.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I expect she did.

Bernard Woolley:
Then when I explained the rules to her, she looked terribly sad.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
They always do.

Bernard Woolley:
And then she asked was it really worth more than ?50 and she said wouldn't it be marvellous if it wasn't and she sort of... looked at me.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
But my dear Bernard, a 17th century vase...

Bernard Woolley:
Yes, I know, I know. But there was this terribly nice Qumrany businessman and we had a... a... a conversation and he valued it as a copy, not as an original. ?49.95.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
And you believed him?

Bernard Woolley:
Well, yes, he said he was an expert and he spoke Arabic awfully well. And so I accepted his valuation in good faith. After all, Islam is a jolly good faith.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Bernard, you took a grave personal risk. You're lucky nobody's been asking any questions.

Bernard Woolley:
Well, that's just it, you see, a journalist from the Guardian saw it in the Minister's house and started to ask a lot of questions. Of course, Mrs Hacker said it was a copy, but, well the Press are so... horribly suspicious of things.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Despicable.

Bernard Woolley:
So what shall I do?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The Minister must be told.

Bernard Woolley:
Minister, there's an urgent call for you in the communications room. A Mr Haig.

James Hacker:
General Haig?

Bernard Woolley:
No, MR Haig. You know, with the dimples.

James Hacker:
Yes, yes. Do excuse me. Most important.

James Hacker:
Bernard. Wanted in the communications room. A Mr John Walker.

Bernard Woolley:
Johnnie Walker?

James Hacker:
Yes, from the Scotch Office... Sorry. Scottish Office.

Annie Hacker:
Isn't there a message for me?

James Hacker:
Yes, of course. Bernard will get it for you if you give him your glass. If you... give him your glass, he'll get you some more orange juice.

James Hacker:
Bernard, any messages?

Bernard Woolley:
Well, there is one for Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, good.

Bernard Woolley:
The Soviet Embassy on the line. Mr Smirnoff.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Sorry. So sorry.

James Hacker:
Isn't there one for me?

Bernard Woolley:
There was a message from the Embassy, the school - a delegation of Teachers.

James Hacker:
Ah, I must go and greet the Teachers... before the Bells goes... bell goes!

Bernard Woolley:
Minister, can I have a private word with Sir Humphrey?

James Hacker:
You may speak freely, Bernie.

Bernard Woolley:
Yes... Oh, there was a message for you in the communications room. The VAT man, your 69 returns.

James Hacker:
What?

Bernard Woolley:
VAT 69.

James Hacker:
Oh. Ah! Yes... thanks.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that the minister has had almost as many urgent messages as he can take.

James Hacker:
Ah, Lawrence of Arabia, you're wanted in the communications room.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, good. Er, who is it?

James Hacker:
Napoleon!

James Hacker:
When am I going to do all this correspondence?

Bernard Woolley:
You do realize you don't actually have to, Minister.

James Hacker:
Don't I?

Bernard Woolley:
Not if you don't want to. We can draft an official reply.

James Hacker:
What's an official reply?

Bernard Woolley:
It just says "The Minister has asked me to thank you for your letter"; then we say something like "The matter is under consideration", or even, if we feel so inclined, "under active consideration."

James Hacker:
What's the difference?

Bernard Woolley:
Well, 'under consideration' means we've lost the file; 'under active consideration' means we're trying to find it.

[Discussing response to an inflammatory speech by a foreign diplomat]

James Hacker:
Humphrey, do you think it's a good idea to issue a statement?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, Minister, in practical terms we have the usual six options. One, do nothing. Two, issue a statement deploring the speech. Three, lodge an official protest. Four, cut off aid. Five, break off diplomatic relations; and six, declare war.

James Hacker:
Which should we do?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, if we do nothing we implicitly agree with the speech. Two: if we issue a statement we'll just look foolish. Three: if we lodge a protest it will be ignored. Four: we can't cut off aid because we don't give them any. Five: if we break off diplomatic relations we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts. And six: if we declare war it might just look as though we were over-reacting.

Martin - Foreign Secretary:
In the old days we'd have sent in a gunboat.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes.

James Hacker:
I suppose that is absolutely out of the question.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Didn't you read the Financial Times this morning?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Never do.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well you're a banker, surely you read the Financial Times?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Can't understand it. Full of economic theory.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Why do you buy it?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Oh, you know, it's part of the uniform.

[On Hacker's planned visit to a inner city farm]

Bill Pritchard:
The Sun specifically asked if you could be photographed amongst the donkeys.

James Hacker:
I'm not sure about the donkeys. What do you think, Bernard?

Bernard Woolley:
Well even if the Sun has no ulterior motive, it will be a gift for Private Eye. You with a crowd of other donkeys. I mean, that's what they would say, Minister. Or: "A meeting of the Inner Cabinet."

[talking about a bank's building plans for a new skyscraper]

James Hacker:
I see, it's just profits, isn't it, Sir Desmond?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Not just profits, it's profits.

James Hacker:
Don't you think of anything but money?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
No, why?

James Hacker:
What about beauty?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Beauty? This is a building, not an oil painting.

James Hacker:
And the environment?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Oh yes, I promise you we'll make sure it is part of the environment. It's bound to be once it's there, isn't it?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Surely once a Minister has made his decision, that's it, isn't it?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
What on earth gave you that idea?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Surely a decision is a decision.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Only if it is the decision you want. If not it's just a temporary setback.

James Hacker:
After all, Humphrey, who are you serving: God or Mammon?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I'm serving you, Minister.

James Hacker:
This is the greatest disaster of this century, Bernard!

Bernard Woolley:
There were two world wars.

James Hacker:
The department prepared this. "No loss of amenity" it says.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, Minister, not no loss of amenity; no *significant* loss of amenity.

James Hacker:
Well, same thing.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
On the contrary, there is all the difference in the world. Almost anything can be attacked as a loss of amenity, and almost anything can be defended as not a significant loss of amenity, which seems to signify that one should appreciate the significance of significant.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Minister, I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear.

James Hacker:
Why should today be any different?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the Ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations that are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position.

James Hacker:
Now, whatever made you think I wouldn't want to hear that?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, I thought it might upset you.

James Hacker:
How could it? I didn't understand a single word. Humphrey, for God's sake, for once in your life put it into plain English.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
If you insist. You are *not* here to run this Department.

James Hacker:
I beg your pardon.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
You are *not* here to run this Department.

James Hacker:
I think I am. The people think I am, too.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
With respect, Minister, you are... they are wrong

James Hacker:
And who does run this Department?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I do.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Minister, I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear.

James Hacker:
Why should today be any different?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position.

James Hacker:
I wonder what made you think I didn't want to hear that?

Lucy Hacker:
It's because badgers don't have votes, isn't it?

James Hacker:
Eh?

Lucy Hacker:
If the badgers had votes, you wouldn't be exterminating them. No, you'd be up at Haywood Spinney, shaking paws and kissing cubs, ingratiating yourself the way you always do!

Annie Hacker:
Lucy, that's not a very nice thing to say.

Lucy Hacker:
It's true, isn't it?

Annie Hacker:
Yes, but Daddy's in politics. He has to be ingratiating.

Annie Hacker:
Darling, how did you get to become a Cabinet Minister? You're such a clot.

Bernard Woolley:
[Referring to the Minister] Why shouldn't be allowed to know things if he wants to?

Sir Frederick 'Jumbo' Stewart:
Silly boy!

Annie Hacker:
Lucy, darling, that's not fair. Those Civil Servants may be always kowtowing to Daddy, but they never take any notice of him.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
If local authorities don't send us the statistics that we ask for, then government figures will be a nonsense.

James Hacker:
Why?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
They will be incomplete.

James Hacker:
But government figures are a nonsense anyway.

Bernard Woolley:
I think Sir Humphrey want to ensure they are a complete nonsense.

[Sir Humphrey has shooed Hacker out of the office of a colleague]

James Hacker:
Bernard, how did Sir Humphrey know I was with Dr. Cartwright?

Bernard Woolley:
God moves in a mysterious way.

James Hacker:
Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Humphrey is not God, OK?

Bernard Woolley:
Will you tell him or shall I?

Bernard Woolley:
Well it is understood if Ministers want to know anything it will be brought to their notice. If they go out looking for information they might... oh well, they might...

James Hacker:
...find it?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume, but, not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun.

James Hacker:
I beg your pardon?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It was... I.

Bernard Woolley:
He's coming round now.

James Hacker:
Why, did he faint?

[last lines]

James Hacker:
How am I going to explain the missing documents to "The Mail"?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, this is what we normally do in circumstnces like these.

James Hacker:
[reads memo] This file contains the complete set of papers, except for a number of secret documents, a few others which are part of still active files, some correspondence lost in the floods of 1967...

James Hacker:
Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, a marvellous winter. We lost no end of embarrassing files.

James Hacker:
[reads] Some records which went astray in the move to London and others when the War Office was incorporated in the Ministry of Defence, and the normal withdrawal of papers whose publication could give grounds for an action for libel or breach of confidence or cause embarrassment to friendly governments.

James Hacker:
That's pretty comprehensive. How many does that normally leave for them to look at?

James Hacker:
How many does it actually leave? About a hundred?... Fifty?... Ten?... Five?... Four?... Three?... Two?... One?... *Zero?*

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, Minister.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Administration is eternal.

Bernard Woolley:
Forever and ever.

Sir Humphrey Appleby, Bernard Woolley:
Amen.

Bernard Woolley:
[on the phone] Hello, Graham, it's Bernard. Tell Sir Humphrey that the Minister's just gone walkabout. Yes, yes, AWOL. Well, of course I told him, yes. I know. I think you'd better let him know right away. [hangs up]

Bernard Woolley:
One... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... TEN.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[arrives at the office] What's all this about?

Bernard Woolley:
The minister's just left the office, that's all.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
That's all? Do you mean he's loose in the building? Why didn't you warn me?

Bernard Woolley:
I did advise him, but he is the minister. There's no prohibition aga inst ministers talking to their staff.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Who's he talking to?

Bernard Woolley:
Perhaps he was just restless.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
If the minister's restless, he can feed the ducks in St James's Park!

Bernard Woolley:
Yes, Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Tell me who the minister's talking to.

Bernard Woolley:
Well, surely the minister can talk to anyone.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Bernard... I'm in the middle of writing your annual report. Now, it is not a responsibility that either of us would wish me to discharge whilst I am in a bad temper. Who's the minister talking to?

Bernard Woolley:
Perhaps you could help me. I can see that you should know if he calls on an outsider. I fail to see why you should be informed if he just wants to, to take a hypothetical example, to check a point with... Dr Cartwright...

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Thank you, Bernard. Must fly.

Bernard Woolley:
Room 4017.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I know.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
What's the matter, Bernard?

Bernard Woolley:
Oh nothing really, Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
You look unhappy.

Bernard Woolley:
Well, I was just wondering if the minister was right, actually.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Very unlikely. What about?

Bernard Woolley:
About ends and means. I mean, will I end up as a moral vacuum too?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, I hope so, Bernard. If you work hard enough.

Bernard Woolley:
I actually feel rather downcast. If it's our job to carry out government policies, shouldn't we believe in them?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Huh, what an extraordinary idea.

Bernard Woolley:
Why?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Bernard, I have served eleven governments in the past thirty years. If I had believed in all their policies, I would have been passionately committed to keeping out of the Common Market, and passionately committed to going into it. I would have been utterly convinced of the rightness of nationalising steel. And of denationalising it and renationalising it. On capital punishment, I'd have been a fervent retentionist and an ardent abolishionist. I would've been a Keynesian and a Friedmanite, a grammar school preserver and destroyer, a nationalisation freak and a privatisation maniac; but above all, I would have been a stark, staring, raving schizophrenic.

Bernard Woolley:
So what do we believe in?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
At this moment, Bernard, we believe in stopping the minister from informing the Prime Minister.

Bernard Woolley:
But why?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Because once the Prime Minister knows, there will have to be an enquiry, like Watergate. The investigation of a trivial break-in led to one ghastly revelation after another and finally the downfall of a president. The golden rule is don't lift lids off cans of worms. Everything is connected to everything else. Who said that?

Bernard Woolley:
The Cabinet Secretary?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Nearly right. Actually, it was Lenin.

Bernard Woolley:
How do you stop a Cabinet Minister talking to a Prime Minister?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Interesting question. You tell me.

Bernard Woolley:
I don't know.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Work it out. You're supposed to be a high flier. Or are you really a low-flier supported by occasional gusts of wind?

Bernard Woolley:
Well, YOU can't stop the minister seeing the PM, can you?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I can't.

Bernard Woolley:
Nor can the private office at No.10.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Correct.

Bernard Woolley:
It has to be someone high up in government.

Bernard Woolley:
Someone close to the PM. Someone who can frighten the minister... The Chief Whip?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Excellent, you've learnt a lot. So, how do you crack the whip?

Bernard Woolley:
I'm sorry?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
How do you mobilise the Chief Whip?

Bernard Woolley:
The minister's asked me to phone the PM's private office for an appointment, so if you had a word with the Cabinet Secretary, and he had a word with the diary secretary, and they all had a word with the Whip's office, then when the minister arrived, the Whip could meet him and say the PM is busy and asked him to have a word with the minister instead.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Excellent, Bernard. You should have taken a degree in engineering! [Bernard picks up the phone] What are you doing?

Bernard Woolley:
I thought you wanted the Cabinet Secretary.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I do, indeed. Now, do you, as the minister's private secretary, feel obliged to tell the minister of this conversation?

Bernard Woolley:
What conversation?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well done, Bernard. You'll be a moral vacuum yet!

James Hacker:
[Last lines] [Drunk] I'll tell you about government. You must always do the right thing. But, you must never let anybody catch you trying to do it. Because doing right's wrong, right?

Annie Hacker:
Haven't you had enough, darling?

James Hacker:
Still some left in the bottle. No, the thing about government is principle, and the principle is you mustn't rock the boat, because if you do, all the little consciences will fall out. And you must all hang together. Because if you don't hang together, you'll be hanged separately. I'm hanged if I'll be hanged! You know, politics is about helping others. Even if that means helping terrorists. Terrorists are others, aren't they? Not us, are they? No. And you must always follow your conscience, but you must always know where you're going. So you can't follow your conscience. Cause it may not be going the same way you are. [Picking up the whiskey bottle] Empty... like me. I'm a moral vacuum.

Annie Hacker:
Oh, cheer up, darling. Nothing good comes out of Whitehall. You did what you could.

James Hacker:
You don't really mean that.

Annie Hacker:
I do.

James Hacker:
No, I'm just like Humphrey and all the rest of them.

Annie Hacker:
Now that's certainly not true.

James Hacker:
No?

Annie Hacker:
He's lost his sense of right and wrong. You've still got yours.

James Hacker:
[Depressed] Have I?

Annie Hacker:
It's just that you don't use it much. You're a sort of whiskey priest. You do at least know when you've done the wrong thing.

James Hacker:
Whiskey priest?

Annie Hacker:
That's right.

James Hacker:
Good. Let's open another bottle.

Annie Hacker:
We haven't got one.

James Hacker:
That's what you think. [He opens one of the red boxes beside him and pulls out a full bottle of whiskey, much to Annie's bemusement] Who said nothing good ever came out of Whitehall? You want one?

Annie Hacker:
Yes, Minister.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Minister, Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last 500 years: to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, with the French and Italians against the Germans, and with the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now, when it's worked so well?

James Hacker:
That's all ancient history, surely.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, and current policy. We had to break the whole thing up, so we had to get inside. We tried to break it up from the outside, but that wouldn't work. Now that we're inside we can make a complete pig's breakfast of the whole thing: set the Germans against the French, the French against the Italians, the Italians against the Dutch. The Foreign Office is terribly pleased; it's just like old times.

James Hacker:
Surely we're all committed to the European ideal.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Really, Minister. [laughs]

James Hacker:
If not, why are we pushing for an increase in the membership?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, for the same reason. It's just like the United Nations, in fact. The more members it has, the more arguments it can stir up. The more futile and impotent it becomes.

James Hacker:
What appalling cynicism.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes. We call it diplomacy, Minister.

James Hacker:
So when this next comes up at Question Time, you want me to tell Parliament that it's *their* fault that the Civil Service is too big?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
But it's the truth, Minister.

James Hacker:
I don't want the truth. I want something I can tell Parliament!

[first lines]

James Hacker:
I'm still not happy with this report, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Then, Minister, we shall be happy to redraft it for you.

James Hacker:
You've redrafted it three times already.

Bernard Woolley:
That's not absolutely correct, Minister.

James Hacker:
Yes it is, Bernard. I *can* count. This is the third draft report.

Bernard Woolley:
Yes, quite so, Minister. Therefore, it's been drafted once and subsequently redrafted twice.

James Hacker:
Don't quibble, Bernard.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
But we shall be happy to redraft it a third time.

James Hacker:
And a fourth, and a fifth, and a sixth, no doubt; and it still won't say what I want it to say; it will say what you want it to say and I want it to say what I want it to say.

Bernard Woolley:
What do you want it to say, Minister?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
We want it to say what you want it to say, Minister.

Bernard Woolley:
I'm sure the Department doesn't want you to say anyting you don't want to say.

James Hacker:
Stop wittering!

James Hacker:
Will you give me a straight answer to a straight question?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, well, Minister, as long as you are not asking me to resort to crude generalisations and vulgar simplifications such as a simple yes or no, I shall do my utmost to oblige.

James Hacker:
Is that yes?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[long pause as Humphrey considers] Yunp...

James Hacker:
All we get from the civil service is delaying tactics.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, I wouldn't call civil service delays "tactics", Minister. That would be to mistake lethargy for strategy.

[last lines]

Bernard Woolley:
Can Daniel Hughes really fix this? I mean, don't Prime Ministers have minds of their own?

James Hacker:
Oh, certainly. But as President Nixon's henchman once said, when you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Right, Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, Minister.

James Hacker:
Will you give me a straight answer to a straight question?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, Minister, as long as you are not asking me to resort to crude generalizations and vulgar over-simplifications such as a simple yes or no, I shall do my utmost to oblige.

When Sir Humphrey refers to the visiting President from Burundi as an ‘enigma’...the one second look on Jim Hackers face is priceless.