Brian Madison:
Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? Rock: r-o-k?

Billy Madison:
Yeah, so what's your point?

Brian Madison:
r-o-C-k!

Billy Madison:
Ohhh yeh! The c is silent.

Billy Madison:
No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

Juanita:
Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.

Lunch Lady:
Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.

Billy Madison:
Lady, you're scaring us.

Frank:
I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo.

Jack:
Maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco.

Frank:
Polo. Man, that was a great game.

Frank:
Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Billy Madison:
Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?

Frank:
1974.

Billy Madison:
Meg Ryan.

Principal:
Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Principal:
Okay, a simple no would've done just fine.

Billy Madison:
I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.

Juanita:
If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.

Billy Madison:
Oh my God. I'll go to school.

Billy Madison:
Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.

Billy Madison:
Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

Frank:
When I graduated from first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.

Billy Madison:
Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.

Frank:
Shh, here he comes.

Old Man Clemens:
Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.

Old Man Clemens:
Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control.

Old Man Clemens:
Eck, poop again.

Billy Madison:
He called the shit "poop".

Frank:
This is the best night of my life.

Old Man Clemens:
I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die.

Veronica Vaughn:
No milk will ever be our milk.

Knibb High Principal:
Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, and I am just gonna snap.

Carl:
I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.

Eric:
Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.

Carl:
I'm sorry.

Eric:
Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?

Brian Madison:
Oh, Billy Billy boy. When are you gonna find what ever it is you're looking for?

Billy Madison:
Here's a nice piece of shit.

Billy Madison:
Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

Billy Madison:
YES. You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.

Billy Madison:
OOH. That is the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go.

Billy Madison:
Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.

Billy Madison:
Stop looking at me, swan.

Bus Driver:
That Veronica Vaughn is one hot piece of ass, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.

Billy Madison:
No, you don't.

Bus Driver:
Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her GOT IT ON. WOOO-EEEE.

Billy Madison:
No they didn't.

Bus Driver:
No, No, they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they, eh, eh... everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful, NO YELLING ON THE BUS.

Clown:
Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head. HA HA HA.

Billy Madison:
Billy-Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.

O'Doyle (Grade 12):
O'Doyle rules.

Billy Madison:
O'Doyle, I've got a feeling your whole family's going down.

Juanita:
I thought I was your snack pack.

Billy Madison:
No!

Billy Madison:
Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?

Billy Madison:
Couch. C-O-U-C-H!

Billy Madison:
I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!

Bus Driver:
HEY! Who thew that? I'll turn this damn bus around. That'll end your PRECIOUS little field trip pretty damn quick, eh?

Billy Madison:
Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a bluse duck before and I wanted to see one.

Miss Lippy:
Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.

Billy Madison:
Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great. What do you think of the Mr. Blue Duck?

Billy Madison:
That's quacktastic.

Billy Madison:
I guess that snack pack is pretty good huh?

Billy Madison:
Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana?

Billy Madison:
You know how how hard I could beat you?

Billy Madison:
Oh Veronica Vaughn! So hot! Want to touch the hiney! Arrroooooooo!

Billy Madison:
Kid can't even read

Ernie:
Cut it out dude your gonna get us in trouble.

Billy Madison:
T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!

Brian Madison:
Billy, I've got some important news for you.

Billy Madison:
ERIC, IS PREGNANT?