John Winger:
You can't go. All the plants are gonna die.

John Winger:
Ma'am, I'm sure there are a lot of ways I've gone that you haven't.

John Winger:
My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of boots.

John Winger:
Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.

John Winger:
I don't think I've ever been this happy.

Captain Stillman:
Have that removed.

Dewey Oxburger:
Well, my name's Dewey Oxburger. My friends call me Ox. I dont know if you've noticed, but I got a slight weight problem.

John Winger:
We're all very different people. We're not Watusi, we're not Spartans, we're Americans. With a capital "A", huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts.

Russell Ziskey:
John, do you think I'm officer material?

John Winger:
God, I'm worried about you.

Russell Ziskey:
Come on! I'm in good shape, I'm walking tall, I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe.

John Winger:
Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar... guarding a truck!

Russell Ziskey:
We've got each other.

Sergeant Hulka:
Okay, Mr. Push-ups, let's hear your story.

John Winger:
Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.

John Winger:
Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka is always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Sergeant Hulka.

Sergeant Hulka:
Well, okay, hotshot. We're gonna see what kind of soldier you are.

General Barnicke:
Where is your drill sergeant, men?

John Winger:
Blown up sir.

General Barnicke:
Where have you been soldier?

John Winger:
Training, sir.

General Barnicke:
What kind of training?

John Winger:
Army training, sir.

General Barnicke:
Are you telling me that you men finished your training on your own?

John Winger:
That's a fact, Jack.

John Winger:
Don't order the Schnitzel, they're using Schnauzer.

John Winger:
Y'know, one day, Tito Puente will be dead, and you'll say, "Oh, yes, I've been listening to his work for years."

John Winger:
I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.

Russell Ziskey:
You still have your health.

Sergeant Hulka:
Soldier, I've noticed that you're always last.

John Winger:
I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.

Cruiser:
I guess we're going after John and Russell. I can't believe they're Russian spies. Can you?

Psycho:
All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.

John Winger:
C'mon, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like we're going into *Wisconsin*.

Cruiser:
I joined the army 'cause my father and my brother were in the army. I figured I better join before I got drafted.

Sergeant Hulka:
Son, there ain't no draft no more.

Cruiser:
There was one?

Psycho:
The name's Francis Sawyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you.

Leon:
Ooooooh.

Psycho:
You just made the list, buddy. Also, I don't like no one touching my stuff. So just keep your meathooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. And I don't like nobody touching me. Any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you.

Sergeant Hulka:
Lighten up, Francis.

Russell Ziskey:
I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.

Russell Ziskey:
You could join a monastery.

John Winger:
Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls?

Russell Ziskey:
Never.

John Winger:
So much for the monastery.

Captain Stillman:
Where the fuck's my truck? Where - ? WHERE'S MY TRUCK? Hey, where's the EM-50?

Soldier Outside Motor Pool:
A couple of soldiers took it to get it washed sir.

Sergeant Hulka:
You better hit those bunks, my little darlins, or Sergeant Hulka with the BIG TOE is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass.

Russell Ziskey:
I once got my ass kicked in Wisconsin.

Recruiter:
Now, are either of you homosexuals?

John Winger:
You mean like flaming? Or part time?

Recruiter:
Well, it's a question we have to ask of all our new recruits.

Russell Ziskey:
No, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn.

John Winger:
We're so damned lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?

Captain Stillman:
Well, explain yourselves.

Dewey Oxburger:
Well sir, we were going to this bingo parlor at the YMCA, well one after another things got all fouled up and we ended up...

Captain Stillman:
Shut up.

Dewey Oxburger:
Okay, Sir.

Captain Stillman:
You men are a disgrace, maybe a few days in the stockade will help you change your rotten attitudes.

Cruiser:
But um, were supposed to graduate tomorrow sir.

Captain Stillman:
That's even better, tomorrow you're going to be on parade in front of General Barneque, to show what a bunch of total fuck ups you really are! And I will personally recommend that the whole platoon will repeat the entire course of basic training.

Sergeant Hulka:
We got a full day ahead of us. We're gonna start out with a five-mile run.

John Winger:
I know that I'm speaking for the entire platoon when I say this run should be postponed until this platoon is better rested.

Sergeant Hulka:
Well, I'll tell you what, soldier. Let's make it ten miles.

Sergeant Hulka:
Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.

John Winger:
Uncle Hulka?

Sergeant Hulka:
When I tell you move, you'll move fast. When I tell you to jump, you're gonna say, "How high?" And make no mistake. I don't care where you come from, I don't care what color you are, I don't care how smart you are, I don't care how dumb you are, 'cause I'm gonna teach every last one of you how to eat, sleep, walk, talk, shoot, shit like a United States soldier. Understand?

Cruiser:
Yes, sir.

Sergeant Hulka:
You don't say "sir" to me, I'm a sergeant, I work for a living.

Sergeant Hulka:
I didn't hear you!

Sergeant Hulka:
*That's* what I wanna hear.

John Winger:
Do you think this guy's over-doing it a bit?

Sergeant Hulka:
Now, since nobody else has got the guts...

Sergeant Hulka:
...to admit it, the rest of this platoon... will do the next two weekends on KP.

Sergeant Hulka:
How's that sound to you, mister?

John Winger:
I think it sucks.

Dewey Oxburger:
Sergeant, does this mean we're through for the day?

John Winger:
And then depression set in.