Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Anthony Cooper:
Mom, do you mind?... Please

Kelly Cooper:
What? Because of this morning? It's not the first time I've seen your penis, Anthony!

Emily Cooper:
Mom saw your penis?

Kelly Cooper:
Yep! I've seen yours too, Alexander. I've seen every penis in this car!

Ben Cooper:
Every penis.

Video game dev:
Is that a pirate blouse?

Ben Cooper:
Yarrr!

Philip Parker:
Hey Paul!

Paul Dumphy:
Phillip my man!

Philip Parker:
Nice b*obs Alexander.

High School Teacher:
Let's go Wreck it Ralph. Principal's office now!

Paul Dumphy:
Dude i've been looking everywhere for you. Have you heard about Phillip Parker?

Alexander Cooper:
I don't want to hear anything more about his amazing party.

Paul Dumphy:
No it's cancelled.

Alexander Cooper:
What?

Paul Dumphy:
Yeah he woke up with chicken pox. He texted me this picture these things are everywhere.

Alexander Cooper:
Oh.

Paul Dumphy:
They're even in his butt crack.

Anthony Cooper:
Where's bumble bee?

Kelly Cooper:
Alexander murdered it so now he's going to cry all night.

Alexander Cooper:
Hi Becky

Becky Gibson:
Hey Alexander

Emily Cooper:
I think i broke Captain Hook's nose.

Ben Cooper:
Whoa honey are you okay?

Emily Cooper:
No i'm not Peter Pan can't have a cold Dad.

Ben Cooper:
Honey bumble bee is gone.

Alexander Cooper:
It's 12:01 Melvin. It's my birthday. Do you feel alone in the world? I just wish they understood! I just wish they knew what it felt like to have a terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Kelly Cooper:
If you hadn't left the battery out of my car all night Dick van Dyke wouldn't be mad at me Chim Chimminy wants to kill me. Can you imagine?

Anthony Cooper:
Bro i gotta take a shower. I gotta get to school or Celia won't call me back. Oh no. No way not today. Get out dude. Get out!

Alexander Cooper:
Why are you here?

Anthony Cooper:
Shut up.

Emily Cooper:
What a to-do to die today at a minute or two to two. A thing distinctly hard to say but harder still to do. We'll beat a tattoo at a minute or two and a rat tat tat tat tat tattoo. And the dragon will come to the beat of the drum. At a minute or two to two today. At a minute or two to two... A big black bug bit a big black bear.

Alexander Cooper:
So his party's not on?

Paul Dumphy:
No so everyone's coming to yours again.

Alexander Cooper:
Really?

Paul Dumphy:
Great right? His pox is your gain.

High School Teacher:
This isn't Gossip Girl you two. Get back inside Celia.

Kelly Cooper:
How much cough syrup did she have?

Ben Cooper:
Clearly way too much.

Alexander:
Good morning.

Emily:
Speak for yourself.

Anthony:
YES! [jumps and hits a banner, which causes two trophy cases to fall and smash]

Teacher:
Let's go, Wreck-It Ralph! Principal's office, NOW!

Ms. Suggs:
Tell me something, Anthony. Are you a senior citizen?

Anthony:
No, ma'am.

Ms. Suggs:
Good. Then why're you driving 15 miles an hour in a 25-mile zone? C'mon, speed it up. [Anthony speeds up the minivan] That's right. That is right. Boy. Change lanes. [Anthony does so] Now, I want you to take a right up here. [Anthony turns right. Just then, his cell phone vibrates] Celia's calling.

Anthony:
It's my girlfriend. Probably wants to talk prom plans. Tonight's the prom. Well, I'll just ignore that.

Ms. Suggs:
Seems like she's very anxious to talk to you.

Anthony:
No, no, no, I'm driving. I would never answer the phone when I'm driving. No, no matter what circumstance.

Ms. Suggs:
But, y'know, proms don't happen every day.

Anthony:
That's true. You sure? It'll just be like super quick. It's not...

Ms. Suggs:
What's important to you is important to me.

Anthony:
[answers his phone] Hey, Celia. I can't really talk right now, but...

Ms. Suggs:
Put! The phone! Down!

Anthony:
[turns to Miss Suggs] What?

Ms. Suggs:
[in a demanding tone] Put that mobile device down, NOW! HEY, EYES ON THE ROAD!

Anthony:
[nearly hits another car and swerves off the road] AAAH!! NO, NO!!! [hits several parking meters while screaming]

Ms. Suggs:
YOU'RE GONNA KILL US!! AAAAH!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! [Anthony pulls back into the DMV and stops] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU FOOL?!

Anthony:
[angrily] You tricked me!

Ms. Suggs:
Get outta this car. [stamps "FAIL" on the clipboard] You get out of this car!

Anthony:
You're EVIL!

Ms. Suggs:
You prom creep!

Ben:
I don't think he passed.

Ms. Suggs:
Get out! GET OUT!

[Anthony swings open the door, only to get a literal door prize from a passing Impala. The door slides right to the Coopers]

Ben Cooper:
I still have me arms!