Bon Cop, Bad Cop

[a dead body has been impaled by a Qu?bec-Ontario border sign. There is a dispute concerning jurisdiction]

Martin Ward:
His heart is in Qu?bec.

David Bouchard:
But his ass belongs to you.

Martin Ward:
His heart is in Qu?bec.

David Bouchard:
Ya l'Ontario dans l'cul aussi!

Martin Ward:
What ?

David Bouchard:
But his ass belongs to you.

David Bouchard:
You have an accent in both languages. Who was your teacher? Jean Chr?tien?

David Bouchard:
[surprised] You speak French?

Martin Ward:
No, not really. I had a small gadget installed in my brain and I see subtitles under people when they speak.

Iris Ward:
What are you doing here?

Johnathan Ward:
I just saved my dad.

David Bouchard:
From what? Heart attack by watching curling on TV?

Tattoo Killer:
[Tattoo Killer is running, and a beep sound like a bomb is heard] You've got to be f***ing kidding me [he explodes]

Martin Ward:
[Ward is angry about their car exploding] Merde de sh*t de merde de f*** de TABERNAC!

[Luc, wearing the mascot costume, tries to walk down stairs but his feet are too big]

Luc Therrien:
Oh for f***'s sake...

[Luc, wearing the mascot costume, realizes his hands are too big to press the elevator button]

Luc Therrien:
Goddammit...

Luc Therrien:
[in front of a mirror wearing mascot costume] Are you talkin' to me? Huh? Are you talkin' to me?

[Luc tries to leave the bathroom but runs head on into a wall]

Harry Buttman:
[Buttman is bound and lying in a car trunk] Don't you know who I am? We'll sue your asses. You can't put me in the trunk of a car.

Martin Ward:
Yes we can. It's Quebec tradition. [Ward closes the car trunk]

David Bouchard:
[reffering to Martin Ward] I know he looks like a gay accountant, but don't trust appearances, he's not an accountant.

David Bouchard:
[in English] You could lose your job for this.

Martin Ward:
[in French] I don't give a damn!

David Bouchard:
[in French] Chief, it's okay - I understand English.

Capt. Le Boeuf:
[French] Ah, sh*t. [to MacDuff, in English] It's okay. David... can English.

Brian MacDuff:
[doesn't understand]

Capt. Le Boeuf:
He can English. He can...

Brian MacDuff:
[gets it] Oh! Okay!

Capt. Le Boeuf:
[continues in broken English] So, uh - we thought it would be good, uh - hopititit... it was a good...

Brian MacDuff:
Opportunity.

Capt. Le Boeuf:
It was a good... hopportunity to...

Martin Ward:
[in French] You may speak French, Captain.

Capt. Le Boeuf:
[French] Ah, for f***'s sake...

[the car explodes with Therrien supposedly inside]

Martin Ward:
The suspect!

David Bouchard:
Mon char!

Martin Ward:
How are we going to explain this?

David Bouchard:
[French] For the moment, we say nothing.

Martin Ward:
Quoi? Are you crazy? The suspect just died in your car - we have to report this!

David Bouchard:
[French] You're the nut case! What do you think your bosses will say when they find out this happened as a result of your negligence?

Martin Ward:
My negligence? I told you that we should bring him to headquarters, but you couldn't stand the thought of not being able to sit around showing off in front of your pals!

David Bouchard:
[French] Well, if your f***ing procedures were so important, how come *you* didn't stay with the car instead of coming inside and sucking up for a free meal, and flirting with my ex-wife in front of our child?

Martin Ward:
That's it - you're crazy! I'm going to write my report detailing exactly what happened, and I don't care what you do but I'm not letting you drag me down in this sh*t with you!

David Bouchard:
[French] It's too late, because you're already in sh*t! If you want to keep your job and be able to feed our kids, then the only way we can get through this is by shutting up and finding the sick that did this! [English] That's the only way out!

Martin Ward:
Sh*t de merde de sh*t de f*** de TABARNAC!

David Bouchard:
[French] 24 hours. Give me 24 hours. If we can't find anything, I'll explain what happened.

Martin Ward:
Not one hour more!

David Bouchard:
[French] Well, the investigation is moving forward. [nods to the car] At least we know it wasn't him.