Comic Book: The Movie

Stan Lee:
Everybody was talking about Jackson Whitney and Commander Courage. And I'm sorry I wasn't here for that time, but you know, I was off saving America and freedom and making the world safe for comic books.

Donald Swan:
When I sat through Pearl Harbor, I just loved that movie. But can you imagine if Ben Affleck was able to fly up, break the planes in half and dump the Japanese into the ocean?

Anita Levine:
This Botox is fabulous. I wanna do it every month. Maybe around my cycle. Cheer me up.

Anita Levine:
Alright, so we're filming this thing. Everybody mind their Ps and Qs.

Donald Swan:
There's something about you that I think not a lot of people know, and that is that you wanted to be a cartoonist.

Hugh M. Hefner:
That's true, yes.

Ricky:
You went the right way though, man. You did.

Hugh M. Hefner:
Because you grew up with this...

[gestures with Commander book]

Hugh M. Hefner:
...you have problems with this.

[gestures with Codename book]

Donald Swan:
Well, if it were a separate thing, I don't care. But that it's based on this bothers me because I don't think these guys... this doesn't bother me.

Hugh M. Hefner:
It doesn't? Schoolteacher and his nephew. That doesn't bother you at all?

Ricky:
Hef, you're really, like, my favorite superhero. 'Cause you were talking about how everything was, like, buttoned-down in the 50s, Don. Well, Hef kinda came along and crashed through that wall and broke down all the taboos. You're like Pajama Man, and I could be your sidekick, like I could be Chick... Chick Boy.

Derek Sprang:
The first time I ran into Don, it's like "Wow, another mouth-breather with astigmatism and bad posture that digs comic books and weird old records and stuff!" It's like "You know the secret handshake too!"

Ricky:
Are there gonna be chicks there dressed like Vampirella?

Taylor Donohue:
Is that all you think about?

Ricky:
Yep.

Taylor Donohue:
Good man.

Kevin Smith:
The studio - they said they liked it, but they didn't like it. They kept pushing the giant spider in the third act. They wanted Commander Courage to fight a giant spider in the third act.

Donald Swan:
Literally?

Kevin Smith:
Literally! A giant spider. And I didn't get it at the time because I still lived in Jersey. Now I live in Los Angeles, I get it. Spider's a good idea. Wasn't then. But I was young... and straight.

Donald Swan:
Do you ever have to sell someone on an idea and they go, "Gee, I don't know..."

Kevin Smith:
Yes, there was this, um, this tranny hooker the other day. I was really trying to sell her on the idea of a three-way.

Donald Swan:
Tranny... what's a tranny?

Kevin Smith:
A tranny is... oh, Don.

Taylor Donohue:
'Deflect', okay? That's your word.

Donald Swan:
Okay, 'deflect'. I don't know what it means, but I'm writing it down.

[looking at a picture of a steam-engine train]

Donald Swan:
Now, y'see, to me, that's a train. It looks like a train, it's old, it's~

Ricky:
I think to everyone that's a train, 'cause it is.

Taylor Donohue:
Uh, so, basically, you don't know anything about show business or anything. You're like a babe in the woods, is that right?

Leo Matuzik:
Like I said, I just wanna be honest with you - I don't know a lot of all this kind of stuff.

Donald Swan:
And just keep in mind, we don't know anything about sheet-metal work, so, you know, it all balances out.

Leo Matuzik:
You stand there for 30 years of your life grinding the same goddamn holes all day.

Leo Matuzik:
Little do you know, you know? Maybe that's why they say that - because you know very little. You don't know a lot.

Paul Dini:
They did put him in Vietnam and they tried to put a more whimsical skew on his adversaries. There was a character called Ho-Ho-Ho Chi Minh who was sort of a combination, like a gagster version of a Vietnamese madman.

Comic-Con Patron:
This place is so much like my dreams, it's scary.

Ricky:
Hey, Jenny, is there anybody dressed as the Hulk?

Debby Newman:
You know what, I did see Darth Vader!

Ricky:
Okay. Is he the Hulk?

Devin T. Quin:
I'm going to explain to you, in five words or less, what the American dream is all about: Buy my comic book, please!

Donald Swan:
The Beatles or the Stones? The Munsters or the Addams Family? Betty or Veronica?

Leo Matuzik:
Betty. She was the one.

Donald Swan:
She's the one for you because she's not so complicated, she's not so needy. Some guys like the Veronicas 'cause they love the challenge, and they think she should be spanked.

Derek Sprang:
You're Commander Courage! You're like Daniel Boone that was bitten by a radioactive Davy Crockett!

[about Bruce's over-endowed Commander Courage costume]

Anita Levine:
I was not ready for Fellini's Satyricon in spandex.

Taylor Donohue:
This is, also, Leo Matusik.

Anita Levine:
You're the reason I came down here. Little dwarf boy, little strange man, do you even know who your great-grandfather was? Do you even know what you're doing here?

Leo Matuzik:
[confused] Yeah.

Anita Levine:
Do you know your name?

Leo Matuzik:
Sure.

Anita Levine:
Okay, what day is it? [pushes him aside] Get outta here.

Donald Swan:
By ignoring the Commander's past history, you're really missing out on a huge portion of people that like and acknowledge the old one and would come to see your new version.

Taylor Donohue:
[not listening] Mm-hm.

Donald Swan:
That's what I want - just some acknowledgement. I mean, if you get a feeling for how the fans really are passionate in a way that you can't get in these focus groups, um, I think it might, you know, set the project on the right trajectory.

Taylor Donohue:
You... are verbiage. You are verbiage.

[Ricky is giving advice to Leo on meeting girls]

Ricky:
And don't, like, get all touchy-feely and stuff. That's grabbin', and it makes 'em uncomfortable. Save it for later, after you get 'em liquored up.

Ricky:
Tell her about her lips. She's got beautiful lips.

Leo Matuzik:
You've got great lips. They're almost like - they look like beautiful... red worms kinda, like, touching each other. You know what I mean?

Laura Nativo:
[smiles innocently] Is that supposed to be a compliment?

Donald Swan:
Hey, look! There's Superman!

Taylor Donohue:
I don't want to upset you, Don, but that's a guy in a Superman outfit.

Donald Swan:
Yeah, but it's a darn good one!

Donald Swan:
I couldn't bring myself to go to the signing. Not when he turned the character into some stupid acronym: Covert Operations Unit Reconnaissance And Guerilla Enforcement. [pause] Actually, that sounds kinda neat.

Ricky:
I notice that a lot of these comic books you're selling are old, and I think maybe you'd do more business if you got some brand-new ones, because people like to have new stuff more than old.

[Taylor is teaching Leo to act like a movie exec]

Taylor Donohue:
[hands Leo his cell phone] It's Ricky.

Leo Matuzik:
[into phone] Deflect. D-Deflect.

Taylor Donohue:
That's good. Does he feel the moment? Ask him if he feels the moment.

Leo Matuzik:
Do you feel the moment? Deflect, man. I'm deflecting. I'm, uh - I'm in charge. I'm in control. I'm gonna go away and you're gonna feel good about talking to me.

Taylor Donohue:
[takes phone] Don't spit on my phone. You're good.

Anita Levine:
Guys, I want you to meet my fabulous friend from college. Her name is Papaya Smith.

Taylor Donohue:
Hi.

Liberty Lass:
You know, papaya is a fruit in Hawaii.

Taylor Donohue:
Who knew?

Liberty Lass:
[to herself] Oprah, Oprah, Oprah... Hart!

Phil Morris:
You talked about black superheroes. I have yet to see one. Look at me! How come I can't be a superhero?

Taylor Donohue:
It's not that.

Phil Morris:
You didn't take the meeting, and now you're here. Are you in my face now over this?

Taylor Donohue:
I'm not in your face. No, you ~

Ricky:
[interrupting] You are kinda in his face.

Taylor Donohue:
Now, with a new movie, there are no walls for you, but ~

Ricky:
Keep going, you're doing good.

Phil Morris:
So there was a movie you had with a role you didn't see me for, and now you have a movie that has no role and now you're seeing me.

Taylor Donohue:
What you just said, but double it and bring it back.

Jill Sprang:
I can't believe we're spending our anniversary here.

Derek Sprang:
San Diego's a great town, you know? You have the museums, you got zoos here, it's ~

Jill Sprang:
How would you know? We haven't left this convention!

Mac Sprang:
Daddy, I'm tired.

Derek Sprang:
No, you're not tired. We're having a good time! We're at the convention! Just a couple more panels you gotta go to.

Derek Sprang:
[whisper] I'll buy you more toys, buddy. I'll buy you more toys. You gotta work with me here.

Jill Sprang:
Mac, if you're too tired, just say. Are you too tired?

Derek Sprang:
He's not tired. He's wired!

Jill Sprang:
Did Daddy promise you some toys or something?

Derek Sprang:
Don't put ideas in his head, honey.

Mac Sprang:
Yes.

Jill Sprang:
What? What did he say to you?

Mac Sprang:
He said, if you work with me... if you work with me, I will give you some more toys.

Derek Sprang:
[coughs violently]

Jill Sprang:
It's like an hour past his bedtime. Bribing him with toys? I think he should go to sleep.

Derek Sprang:
No, I said, "There's so much more *joy* to be had at the... convention." I didn't say I'd buy him more toys.

Woman at Party:
You know, I didn't get your name, though.

Ice Tray:
My name, yeah. Ice.

Woman at Party:
Oh, you mean like Ice Cube or ~

Ice Tray:
No, no, no. No, like Ice Tray. There's a whole lot of me, baby.

Drunken Party Guest:
He's retranslating the Code of Hammurabi from the ancient Persian to the ancient Greek to the ancient Roman to the ancient Gaelic right to English.

Leo Matuzik:
Wow.

Drunken Party Guest:
He wants to know..."the know".

Leo Matuzik:
[nodding] "The know."

[the party guest is extolling the virtues of his hallucinogenic drink]

Drunken Party Guest:
You know you're there when you've seen the green fairy.

Ricky:
The Hulk? What, is the green fairy the Hulk? Dude, I'm way into the Hulk. Is that him?

Drunken Party Guest:
[rubbing his temples] Give me strength. No, no.

Ricky:
I'm curious, because if drinking that would get me hooked up with the Hulk, I'd be into it.

Drunken Party Guest:
That is when you know that you are in touch with your inner brain stem.

Ricky:
When the Hulk is hanging with you?

Drunken Party Guest:
That is when you know that you are in the place occupied by Poe.

Ricky:
And Bill Bixby.

Donald Swan:
Please, I did this for you - all of us. I am you. I'm a fan, but I don't think I feel like a good one anymore. I've lied, deceived people. Leo. Leo down there. The grandson of the man we're honoring, and he's a wonderful man, but he's never read a comic book in his life. He's not one of us. And the movie people: I know they're just doing their jobs, but they don't care about us, either. They only care about our wallets. Commander Courage is about idealism. I mean, not just in his body, but his mind, his morals, his hopes for people less fortunate than him. You can believe that. You can go back to that part of your childhood... when everything was ahead of you, everything was new, candy tasted better, everything was possible. It's more than just a guy in a bodysuit with Uzis. It's more than a girl in skintight Spandex. I'm wearing this outfit, but I don't deserve... to wear the outfit. But you know what? These people don't even know what it means.

Bruce Easley:
A contest? You're on.

Papaya Smith:
Yeah, totally.

Bruce Easley:
Alright, you have to be a beaver, and I have to be an orangutan.

Papaya Smith:
You have to... become it, though.

Bruce Easley:
Well, yes, you'll have to become it. If you don't become it, it's worthless!

[Anita runs afoul the orangutan/beaver contest]

Anita Levine:
What is going on here? You know something, you were supposed to come in with your wardrobe today. Do you not care about this job? You know what? You are fired! Why are you acting like a beaver? You're fired!

Papaya Smith:
Oh my god! She guessed I was a beaver! I did it!

Bruce Easley:
You broke! You broke! You broke character! I win! I win the contest! I win the contest, everyone!

Army Buddy #2:
We're taking ammo to begin with. Getting a lot of money, yes.

Army Buddy #1:
Not that much money.

Army Buddy #2:
Not that much, right. Enough to get us ashore and meet a lady, you know? Or a small boy.

Leo Matuzik:
Knowing my grandfather the way I did - which was I didn't - he'd probably say, "Look, you snooze, you lose." Something like that.

Army Buddy #2:
[singsong voice] I don't remember Grandaddy. I was only five. [normal voice] He's a retard. Come on, man. We want our money. Don't give us that crap about a basket of fruit and assorted cheese and four bottles of wine. We don't drink... anymore.

Taylor Donohue:
Yeah, well, he's out. That's his swan song, and ~

Ricky:
Yeah, speaking of swan songs, dude, where is Don Swan? You know, he wouldn't have missed that meeting. He loves old guys. And comic books.

Leo Matuzik:
That is the message. A new Golden Age. Yes! A new Golden Age - Codename: Courage! Liberty Lass! Because... without a new Golden Age, you can't have old Golden Ages. Without a new Manganese Age, you couldn't have an old Manganese Age. Same is true for Strontium, or Mercury, or Tin.

Anita Levine:
You know what? This documentary? You're fired.

Taylor Donohue:
You're fired.

Anita Levine:
You are fired.

Taylor Donohue:
You're fired.

Donald Swan:
[laughing] You can't fire the human spirit.

Anita Levine:
Oh yes, I can.