Couples Retreat

Therapist #2:
It's like a little kid gets a puppy for the first time, just hugs it so much, snaps it's neck. It's puppy cradle death syndrome. All that love is gonna snap that puppy.

Dave:
The Code?Asstastic... Yes, Asstastic. A-S-S-TASTIC did you get that? Are we good? Good.

Dave:
[Referring to Twitter] I call it twatting.

Kevin:
[First line while lying in his parents' bed] I peed!

Sctanley:
My name is Sctanley, spelled with a C.

Dave:
Is his junk literally out of his pants?

Ronnie:
Yes.

Dave:
Now it's a party.

Jason:
You have kids, you have guns, you have grandpas.

Dave:
Take the French out of your mouth and tell me what to do.

Dave:
Please don't pee in that, it's not a real toilet.

Dave:
I am going to be the biggest ass ever.

Kevin:
Help me get my shirt off!

Joey:
Please take the bikini pictures off of your facebook page.

Joey:
You know what kind of guy you attract like that?

Joey:
You attract the guy with his pants around his ass at the mall.

Salvadore:
Please, allow me to put on something more proper.

Dave:
Hi, I'm Dave.

Ronnie:
Ronnie.

Dave:
Ronnie. That's a great name.

Ronnie:
Thank you.

Dave:
Do you have a cell phone I can use?

Ronnie:
Why?

Dave:
Someone's got to call God and let him know one of his angels are missing.

Ronnie:
Wow, that is the worst lines I've ever heard.

Dave:
Well what do you want from me? I've been out of the game for a while. I've been slumming it with a really hot redhead.

Dave:
I don't want to see a video about ball cancer.

Dave:
What we need to do now is get focused and stop pointing fingers. You're a problem. You're a real, real problem.

Dave:
Come on, let's go glass house!

Salvadore:
Encouragement, Yes!

Dave:
You got a pose called yoga guy gets his ass kicked? Cause that's my favorite one.

Dave:
You own a zebra, I own a goat, what the hell does that have to do with cheating on your wife?

Jason:
What if someone put a gun to your head right now and said, "You have to answer this second or I'II shoot. "Are they going to make it?" What do you say? What would you say?

Therapist #2:
Whoa! Okay, no one has a gun to my head, Mr. Smith.

Jason:
It's hypothetical.

Therapist #2:
It's not a place for inappropriate behavior. And you definitely don't pull a hypothetical gun on your therapist!

Therapist #1:
David, how did that make you feel?

Dave:
I know my truth.

Therapist #1:
Excuse me?

Dave:
I know my truth.

Therapist #1:
Did you say,"I know my truth"? Oh, boy.

Therapist #2:
[During Jason & Cynthia's therapy session, talking to Jason] It's like a little kid who gets a puppy for the first time,just hugs it so much,snaps its neck. Cynthia's your puppy. It's puppy-cradle death syndrome. All that love is going to snap that puppy.

Joey:
What are... What are you wearing?

Lacey:
Shorts.

Joey:
Shorts? That's... That's a Maxi Pad.

Lacey:
Dad, they're designer shorts. They're French. Goodbye.

Joey:
When you're living in my house, you're a Taliban! Okay? You keep your body a secret. Except you get to, you know, go to school and read books.

Joey:
Holy sh*t, it's like a screensaver!