Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat

[the Cat is looking at a photo]

The Cat:
Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?

Conrad:
That's my mom.

[pause]

The Cat:
Awkward.

The Fish:
Stop this right now!

Conrad:
Who said that?

The Fish:
Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then *nothing*!

Sally:
The fish is talking.

The Cat:
Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.

Conrad:
I'm not going to military school.

Lawrence Quinn:
Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.

Sally:
You need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.

The Cat:
Alright, I'll try.

Sally:
[grabs the Cat in the Hat by his bowtie] You don't try, you do!

The Cat:
[showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.

Sally:
S-L-O-W?

The Cat:
Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.

Conrad:
Oh, you mean...

The Cat:
No! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!

[repeated line]

The Cat:
Oh yeah!

The Fish:
This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!

Sally:
[jumping on the couch] Like being in the circus!

The Cat:
Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.

The Cat:
[sinister voice] There is a third option!

[Vaudeville keyboard music]

Sally:
There is?

The Cat:
Yes. It involves... murder!

[More vaudeville keyboard music]

Conrad:
That's your option?

The Cat:
[normal voice] No. You guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.

The Cat:
[back to sinister] Or did I?

[More vaudeville keyboard music]

Sally:
Cat, you're not helping!

The Cat:
[English accent] I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.

The Cat:
Scream and run.

[after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver]

The Cat:
Son of a (beep)!

Sally:
Where did you come from?

The Cat:
Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...

Conrad:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from?

The Cat:
My place, what do you think?

The Cat:
You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. I'd do it for nothing.

The Cat:
C'mon kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!

The Cat:
[closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Condax... you probably don't wanna do that.

Conrad:
Why not? It's just a crate.

The Cat:
This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.

Conrad:
But it says "Made in the Philippines".

The Cat:
Yes, but not *this* Philippines.

Lawrence Quinn:
Why am I sneezing?

The Cat:
[tapping on Quinn's shoulder] That'd be me. BOO!

The Cat:
[as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.

The Cat:
[as a cooking show host] Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!

The Cat:
[as the cook] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.

The Cat:
[as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute...

The Cat:
[as the cook] And you're ugly, just like your mum.

[to a hoe]

The Cat:
Dirty Hoe... I'm sorry, baby. I love you.

The Fish:
Oh my Cod!

Sally:
Who are you?

The Cat:
Who, Me? Why I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"..."key lime"..."turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!

Mom:
Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules; Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone: "City Morgue".

Sally:
Mommy, can't I have some rules?

Mom:
No chewing tobacco.

The Fish:
Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother's rules!

[the phone rings, and The Cat answers it]

The Cat:
City Morgue!

The Fish:
[losing it] Eighteen!

Lawrence Quinn:
Anything for my little Princess.

Sally:
Oh, I don't wanna be a princess, in a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the real power.

The Cat:
Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.

[Sally, Conrad and Mrs. Kwan are watching TV. It shows a scene of Taiwanese Parliament Members fighting]

Conrad, Sally:
Taiwanese Parliament.

Mrs. Kwan:
You tell them, Kwi-Chang. No more big government! Rip his heart out!

The Fish:
[on the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!

The Fish:
Someone else should drive!

The Cat:
Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive. [gives Conrad the wheel]

Conrad:
Are you serious?

The Cat:
I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.

Conrad:
This is awesome!

Sally:
I want to drive.

The Cat:
I think that's a great idea. [gives Sally another wheel]

Conrad:
Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.

The Cat:
You're right. We should all drive. [gets his own wheel]

Mom:
[on phone] What do you mean you're leaving? You're a baby sitter. Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave.

Mr. Humberfloob:
First, I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan.

[McFinnigan shakes Humberfloob's hand, to everyone else's shock]

Jim McFinnigan:
Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you...

Mr. Humberfloob:
Fired.

Jim McFinnigan:
I beg your pardon?

Mr. Humberfloob:
Fired.

Jim McFinnigan:
But I...

Mr. Humberfloob:
[shouting] Fireeeee-dah!

[McFinnigan runs away crying]

The Cat:
Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.

Mr. Humberfloob:
[speaking to Joan] If your house is as messy as last time, you're FIRRRRRRRE-DUH!

Conrad:
So, what do we do?

The Cat:
Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me me me me-ow!

Sally:
How many shots?

The Fish:
A dog goes, "Woof woof," and everybody knows that little Timmy's trapped under a log. But a fish speaks in plain English...

Thing Two:
Don't belittle me.

The Cat:
Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.

Thing Two:
And all of the above.

The Cat:
He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.

Thing Two:
Ben.

[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]

The Cat:
Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.

The Cat:
Uh, I'm uncomfortable with the "d" word. I just think it's wrong. [starts singing] How much is that canine American in the window.

The Cat:
Listen kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change.

Sally:
Stop! That's...

Sally, Conrad:
Mom's dress!

The Cat:
This filthy thing?

Sally:
She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it.

The Cat:
Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. [snaps, snaps] Mmm-mmm-hmm yeah. [snaps, snaps] Mmm-hmm.

The Cat:
If this were my house, I'd be furious.