Driving Lessons

Ben:
I'm not gay!

Evie Walton:
Not gay apparently.

Evie Walton:
I'm as regular as clockwork.

Ben:
My mother's gonna kill me. You don't understand. She said I wasn't to come. I asked and she said no. You don't say yes when my mother says no, you don't do it!

Evie Walton:
My dear boy, the key will be back with us in the morning! I'm regular as clock work.

Sarah:
You're very angry, aren't you? Don't be. You're still God's gift. Every day God gives us is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

Ben:
F*** off, Sarah.

Ben:
[about Evie swallowing the key] Choke! Bring it back! You can't do that! You have to bring it back!

Evie Walton:
No, I don't.

Ben:
[desperate] Yes, you do!

Evie Walton:
No, I don't.

Ben:
Sh*t! There's the spare one! Where's the spare?

Evie Walton:
Haven't got one.

Ben:
How could you do that?

Evie Walton:
Felt like it.

Ben:
I'm not going back!

Evie Walton:
Then, I'll walk!

Ben:
You can't! You're dying!

Evie Walton:
I am not dying.

Ben:
You mustn't be afraid of death.

Evie Walton:
I am not dying!

Ben:
God embraces all who believe in him, for they will have everlasting life.

Evie Walton:
I AM NOT DYING! I MADE IT UP! [Evie starts walking away from the car]

Ben:
[gets out of the car] I forgive you!

Ben:
God gave you your talent for a reason.

Evie Walton:
There's no God, you pompous little cretin!

Ben:
God forgives you for that too.

Evie Walton:
Let's get one thing clear, sunny boy! I do the forgiving, not God!

Ben:
That's a terrible thing to say!

Robert Marshall:
[talking about Laura] I think it's better this way.

Ben:
How can you say that? After all the sh*t she put you through, how can you say that to me? You're my dad! You're meant to stand up for yourself! You should've divorced her! You should've told her to bloody well f*** off!

Robert Marshall:
I did. It was me who asked for the divorce.

[falling asleep]

Ben:
God. Is. love.

[after having sex]

Ben:
Thank you for having me.

Ben:
Oh my god! You swallowed the key!

Evie Walton:
What a relief, he swears.

Ben:
You swallowed the f***ing key!

Evie Walton:
Even better!

Evie Walton:
[to Ben] You see an attractive woman, living on her own, you wonder: Is she a roaring lesbian? Answer, no! For your information I was married three times. Once to an actor, once to an English lord and once to a Californian. All work things... My mistake, You on the other hand, might well be gay.

Ben:
[about Evie to Laura] She needs me, She's my friend...

Ben:
Remember I'm a poet too Evie, I understand the power of words

Bryony:
Fancy a drink?

Ben:
I should be in bed... [Bryony chuckles]

Evie Walton:
Explain please the meaning of "He is not in his room!"

Ben:
[Evie locked him out] Evie! I know you are there! I need you! You're my best friend!

Laura Marshall:
Where the hell have you been? It's six o' clock.

Ben:
I got held up.

Laura Marshall:
Got held up? We had a driving lesson at four. You should've let me know.

Ben:
There was nowhere to call from, if I had a mobile...

Laura Marshall:
Mobiles give you cancer!

Laura Marshall:
You may have noticed that Mr. Fincham has started dressing in my clothes. We must assume that this is part of his recovery.

Laura Marshall:
Camping? Why on earth would anyone want to go camping?

Robert Marshall:
...to escape.

Laura Marshall:
You don't have to tell me what happened. I know already. Some people are wicked. That's all there is to it.

Ben:
She isn't wicked.

Laura Marshall:
She's an actress! I think that says enough.

Bryony:
How old are you?

Ben:
I'm eighteen and a half.

Bryony:
If you don't mind me asking, why are you working for an old lady? Are there no other jobs?

Ben:
She's my grandmother.

Bryony:
Hello. I made you some tea. Do you take sugar?

Ben:
No.

Bryony:
It's okay. I'm not gonna eat you. I don't have to be anywhere until after lunch. How about you? Do you fancy staying in a bit? [Ben starts dressing] I take it that's a no then.

Ben:
It's eleven thirty.

Bryony:
So?

Ben:
I promised Evie I'd be there by eleven.

Ben:
[about Evie] I have to be there before she goes on or she can't remember her lines!

Bryony:
Ben, she's reading from a book!

Ben:
Makes a difference! She's completely helpless unless I'm in the same room.

Bryony:
Isn't that a bit weird?

Ben:
She's not weird!... she's just... nervous...

Bryony:
Relax! She's having you on!

Ben:
No, she isn't! I promised her I'd be there! Once you've made a promise you should keep it!... [silence]... Sorry...

Evie Walton:
[looks out car window] Look at all that green! Just look at it. All so... f***ing green!

Robert Marshall:
Ask yourselves this question; How is a person truly free until they can think and act for themselves? God gave us free will so that we could choose His love. You see, He wanted us to understand our commitment. To be grown up about it. If you ask me, "Am I Christian?", I say to you, if you strive to do good, then you're a Christian. If you don't seek to hurt or betray others, you're a Christian. If you're true to yourself and treat others as you'd have them treat you, you're a Christian. The more a person parades their Christianity for the benefit of other, the less I'm inclined to trust the Christianity they claim to bring. God tells us, true faith is the freedom to choose truth. Now, how you express that, the way, the manner, the means at your disposal, these things are of no consequence, be you Christian or Atheist - unless in your heart you are true.

Evie Walton:
Have a drink!

Ben:
I don't drink.

Evie Walton:
Go on! It'll make you feel better.

Ben:
No, it won't.

Evie Walton:
[annoyed] It was a key. I swallowed it. Frankly, you should be flattered! Now... I insist you have a drink.

Ben:
I'm underage!

Evie Walton:
Well... how old are you?

Ben:
Seventeen and a half.

Evie Walton:
So young and so pedantic... One glass. You can tell God I forced you.

Evie Walton:
To wit, I leave you with this quote penned by my dear friend, William Shakespeare: "When the sh*t hits the fan... get a tent."

Evie Walton:
[stuck on the rock-climbing display] Ben... Can you- ca- can y-... Can you put your shoulder under my arse?

Ben:
I think it's best I stop working for you.

Evie Walton:
Oh, why? So you can take up being pompous professionally?

Evie Walton:
[to Ben] I will not be bullied, even by an emotional cripple!

Laura Marshall:
[after being hit by a car] The doctor said the only reason I survived is because I drive an economy car. God truly is a friend to the thrifty.

Evie Walton:
You never read the bloody thing anyway!

Ben:
[indignant] I read my Bible every night!

Evie Walton:
Liar!

Ben:
[shocked] Liar?

Ben:
[shouting] You're telling me I'm a liar? I've never met anyone who lied so much in all my life! You make up whole people out of thin air! You make up conversations! You make up money!

Evie Walton:
[at the same time Ben's talking] You said you'd be there at eleven and you weren't. The one time I really needed you and you let me down. The one time! Who were you with that was so bloody important you couldn't even be bothered to show up? Who was it?

Ben:
[abashed whisper] Briney.

Laura Marshall:
[to her son, Ben] When you went with that actress, you left God's house!

Evie Walton:
[At a pawnshop in Edinburgh, Evie has just sold her ring for cash] Jewelry on a woman my age is frankly rather vulgar.

Ben:
[Ben has written a poem for Evie, and reads it to her] Some mysteries I'll never understand: the way the Earth rotates around the sun, three minutes shorter every day. Or the way the dead are gone. Or putting down the phone or turning a corner. The future: that's another whopper. We can never know what we can never know, except, that whoever you are, and whoever I am, you made it allright to be me.

Ben:
[Shrugging modestly] It's not Shakespeare...

Evie Walton:
[Moved by Ben's somewhat odd poem] Oh, dear. But it's lovely. And it's you.

Evie Walton:
[Repeating a line from a TV series she did long ago] I'm a woman, Leland, not an oil tanker.