Eating Out: All You Can Eat

Tiffani von der Sloot:
If you think going out on a fake gay date will make me jealous, you're dumber than a flock of Palins.

Ryan:
I don't wanna make you jealous, I just wanna piss you off!

Tiffani von der Sloot:
Children are just abortions that eat.

Candy:
[in Vietnamese] Ooh, Casey has a straight boyfriend!

Casey:
[in Vietnamese] It's better than a gay husband!

Helen:
According to the autopsy report, "As Mark began to bust a nut, Celine Dion's tour bus appeared, going in the wrong direction."

Helen:
So when DID you finally get your man-cherry popped?

Casey:
Aunt Helen! You don't want to hear about THAT!

Helen:
Of course I do. I wouldn't be a good aunt if I didn't.

Helen:
[having given Casey's phone number to Tiffani] Kyle adored her and, well, I thought you might need some new friends - even if they are loser whores.

Casey:
We should, like, form a club, ha-ha.

Tandy:
Excuse me, I gotta go take a sh*t.

Zack:
What are some of your skills?

Casey:
Huh?

Zack:
Things you can do to help with the auction since we can't sell you?

Lionel:
Ah, you can cling onto that anytime you like, Snugglebear.

Zack:
That's it. We're through. Get out.

Lionel:
Can't I at least cum first?

Tandy:
I just threw up a little bit in my p*ssy.

Zack:
You can say THAT again.

Ryan:
Mind if I don't?

Casey:
That drink was strong - like drinking blood straight from Amy Winehouse's wrist.

Ernesto:
I want to make many children.

Tiffani von der Sloot:
Yes, children. Put children in me now!

Tiffani von der Sloot:
[in the throws of passion] So help me God, if you stop, I'll rip off your dick and shove it in there myself!

Ernesto:
Tiffany, we're in a coffin!

Tiffani von der Sloot:
Shut up! You're ruining my fantasy!

Tiffani von der Sloot:
Compliments will get you nowhere unless you're straight and hung like Mr. T.

Casey:
Damn and damn.

Tiffani von der Sloot:
[in Vietnamese] Pam, Candy, this is the fag who will clean for us and attract gay customers.

Candy:
[in Vietnamese] He's too skinny. The gays want more meat on the bone.

Pam:
[in Vietnamese] No. Some like to take a twig boy, spread his legs reeeeal wide and snap him in two.

Candy:
Oh-ho.

Tiffani von der Sloot:
[to Casey, in English] They just said they can't wait to get to know you.

Casey:
Oh, cool. Uh, tell 'em I feel the same way.

Tiffani von der Sloot:
[in Vietnamese to Pam and Candy] He says treat him nice or he'll call immigration on your asses.

Tiffani von der Sloot:
He's never volunteered before.

Harry:
Oh, a virgin.

Tiffani von der Sloot:
Only if you don't count anal.

Zack:
It's been six months and I still feel like you're pulling away.

Lionel:
Because you're always clingin' onto me like that f***ing detergent bear.

[Casey questions the necessity of creating a fake Internet identity using pictures of Tiffani's sensuous ex-boyfriend Ryan]

Casey:
Why would I want Zack to talk to someone way hotter than I am?

Tiffani von der Sloot:
When's the last time you opened up to an ugly stranger? Besides, you just find out what you need to know then Ryan will disappear. A fake profile is the perfect wingman.

Casey:
What kinda straight guy goes on a date with another man?

Tiffani von der Sloot:
He was a stripper at a gay bar. He'd clean a toilet with his dick for a dollar.

Tandy:
I smell a rat... with fake tits.

Zack:
He's lucky to have you - except for the raping part.

Casey:
[to himself in a mirror, wearing Ryan's policeman props] You're been a very bad boy. You have a right to remain sexy. Anything you touch will be held against you in a court of my...

Zack:
I hate the Internet.

Tandy:
You can use it for things other than sex.

Zack:
Like what?

Tandy:
[thinking] Well, maybe gay people can't.

Helen:
Don't p*ssy out on the youth center just because someone hurt your dick's feelings.

Tiffani von der Sloot:
[watching Casey and Zack after locking them in a house together] Are they f***ing yet?

Ryan:
Not even close. Is this gonna work?

Tiffani von der Sloot:
Trust me. It's science. If you leave two d*cks together, eventually one of them's going to need sucking... like prison.

Casey:
You're straight?

Ryan:
We're just three dudes, havin' some fun, now PULL.

Zack:
[to Casey] Ryan1989, you're way hotter than your pic.

Casey:
I'm so glad I stalked you.