Eating Out: Drama Camp

[first lines]

Roger:
Have you played around with the head?

Roger:
You can't kill me now! I'm gonna cum!

Roger:
I look like Ricky Martin's a**hole.

Zack:
You need a lot more blood for that.

Aunt Helen:
I haven't been this wet since Reagan was shot.

Aunt Helen:
Oh, this is Andy. I found him on my face.

Aunt Helen:
Well, it's not like I haven't corked my onion in here before.

Genevieve:
Never judge a book by its haircut.

Dick Dickey:
You didn't think you were gonna get by with nothing but talent and moxie, did you?

Dick Dickey:
No one ever gave ME a handout. Hm. Paid my dues tracking down deadbeat cancer survivors with unpaid medical bills. Sold my hair, my blood, my semen - anything to scrape together enough money to build Dick Dickie's Drama Camp.

Casey:
I can't sh*t in public toilets.

Lilly:
Seems ya got a long summer for YOU.

Zack:
If y'all wanna talk about b*tches and guns and football, I can feel it, yo.

Jason:
I'm straight, not brain-dead.

Benji:
Just because you're gay, it doesn't mean you should be hating on women.

Zack:
I got a hunch you're gonna start feeling human real soon.

Dick Dickey:
"You will never be an actor." Yeah, that's what they said to me and Donnie Kindle. It was career day at first grade. They said, "Be a fireman, or a policeman - something more realistic and meaningful." Well, Donnie Kindle listened to their advice; he gave up on his dream and he became a cop. Last month I went to his memorial service after he got shot in the face! Now, not everyone here is going to become a star, or open his own drama camp, but I will tell you this: If you give up on your dreams, even if you don't end up with a face full of metal, you may as well be dead!

Dick Dickey:
I don't like sycophants.

Genevieve:
I'm just a serious actress.

Dick Dickey:
I'll be the judge of that.

Casey:
God, I think you just scared a fart out of me.

Penny:
I get that a lot.

Dick Dickey:
Penny! Someone crapped in the urinal! Take care of it!

Penny:
Right away! Duty calls. Get it? "Duty." How do I come up with these things?

Beau:
Wow, Casey, you're like the cutest red-head I've ever seen.

Casey:
Thanks, but, um, I... I'm-I'm blonde.

Beau:
Oh, whatever it is, you're smokin'.

Jason:
Why are you telling everyone you're straight?

Benji:
Because I am.

Jason:
Come on. Ray Charles can see you lookin' at that ass like it was Sea Biscuit.

Lilly:
Holy teenage werewolf!

Tiffani:
Now, I have a very loose throat, which is important in acting to get the good roles, if you know what I mean. No, I'm kidding. The only thing sucking off a casting director is gonna get you is a trip to the free clinic. I mean, if it worked, Brittany Murphy and I would star in everything.

Genevieve:
Brittany Murphy is dead.

Tiffani:
Really? That's hilarious. Girl knew how to suck a dick. She was like... the cock whisperer. All right, now everyone find a throat partner.

Jason:
Aren't they pretty? You know, those are actually weeds.

Lilly:
Does knowing that make them any less pretty?

Penny:
Why would anyone pretend to be straight these days? I thought Neil Patrick Harris changed all that.

Genevieve:
[interrupting Lilly's audition] Hi. Um, director guy, you DO realize what you just saw was a man auditioning for the role of a woman?

Lilly:
Are you here for the role of a b*tch who's about to get punched.

Dick Dickey:
Now, as much as I abhor sex, there's nothing I enjoy more than the tender caress of a kissing scene. As an actor you must be prepared to make out with anyone or anything at any given moment. It's a secret I learned in Hollywood on the Internet. Ah! Can I get a volunteer?

Genevieve:
I'll kiss you, Dick.

Penny:
I read a scientific study once. To see if a guy's gay, they got him to look at a hot naked man and checked if he had a boner.

Casey:
They did a study on that?

Penny:
Yeah.

Zack:
You've ever had to kiss a guy before?

Benji:
How bad could it be?

Lilly:
You are a weird little creature.

Casey:
I'm a terrible person.

Lilly:
Only on the inside.

Zack:
He has his name sewn into his underwear. There's nothing to be jealous about.

Dick Dickey:
[over loudspeakers] Today's forecast: Sunny with 100% chance of drama. Competition's near, so remember - second place just means you're the best at losing.

Zack:
[infected with poison oak] It's like my whole body is a circumcision wound.

Dick Dickey:
[following a "spontaneous" musical number] Well, that felt totally rehearsed.

Penny:
But Benji's not even gay, maybe.

Casey:
He had a frozen turkey leg when we kissed.

Casey:
Okay, look, I'm pretty cool, but I'm NOT gonna stick his dick in your mouth for you.

Benji:
I'm close.

Zack:
Me, too.

Benji:
I love theater.

Dick Dickey:
Shakespeare did not have cum shots.

Zack:
Do you like any of the girls here, bro?

Benji:
Bro?

Zack:
I don't know. Isn't that what guys say to each other?

Benji:
In gay pornos, maybe, or the south.

Jason:
Now, Petruchio, I want you to lean in and kiss Hortensio and get your first kiss ever.

Casey:
Um... for realsies?

Penny:
[having groped a fellow camper] I can't tell if Benji's dick was big because it was hard or big because it was just a big dick.

Casey:
Well, how dense was it?

Penny:
Normal dense?

Casey:
Okay, like grabbing a frozen turkey leg dense or like grabbing a giant marshmallow dense?

Penny:
I don't know - somewhere in between? - but it could have been his iphone or a shoe for all I know.

Casey:
A shoe? When's the last time you touched a dick, anyway?

Penny:
That was my first.

Conor:
Has it really been seven years since you had sex?

Dick Dickey:
Seven and a half.

Conor:
Mm, I'm seven and a half. Solved.