Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

Bob Redding:
I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.

Elvira:
Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.

Chastity Pariah:
I don't know who you are or where you came from but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.

Elvira:
Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

Elvira:
Bloody Mary.

Bartender:
No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?

Elvira:
Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.

Mrs. Morissey:
Oh Mister Talbot, your sister was like a mother to me.

Vincent Talbot:
She was a mother to me too, dear. Well, now that we've dispensed with the obligatory display of bereavement, you may begin the proceedings, Mister Bigelow.

Patty:
Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.

Elvira:
Cheap. Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, catch of the day?

Vincent Talbot:
I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.

Elvira:
It's OK. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.

Elvira:
Revenge is better than Christmas.

Bob Redding:
How's your head?

Elvira:
I haven't had any complaints yet.

Chastity Pariah:
Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed?

Mr. Clotter:
I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.

Elvira:
I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.

Elvira:
Grab a tool and start banging.

Elvira:
And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing the head with two things... I mean the thing with two heads.

Elvira:
Yeah, I'll do it for fifty bucks.

Bob Redding:
No, you didn't.

Elvira:
Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot they're gonna need all the luck they can get.

Chastity Pariah:
Boy am I a horn dog. Is this face taken?

Elvira:
And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of b*obs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words. [Stops to think] Any two, as long as they're simple. [breaks down crying]

Bob Redding:
Well, at least you still have the ring.

Elvira:
Yeah, but now all I can make it do is look cheap.

Elvira:
What is there to do for fun around here?

Robin Meeker:
This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.

Elvira:
Gee, I think I can handle it.

Mrs. Meeker:
Ok, but I want payment up front. I know what you heavy metal weirdos do to hotel rooms. I read all about it in the Star.

Earl Hooter:
The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.

Elvira:
Gee, I dont know, does it have anything to do with your breath?

Mrs. Meeker:
Leslie was the one covering people in apple butter. I was just an innocent on-licker.

Chastity Pariah:
He had his way with me in broad daylight.

Calvin Cobb:
Me? You could have worn out a mechanical bull.

Bob Redding:
You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah.

Elvira:
Oh. I thought that cleared up.

Anchorwoman:
Is there anything that could possibly shame you?

Elvira:
Yeah, [flicks anchorwoman's scarf] wearing this out in public might do it.

Manny:
If you don't cough up the money the only showroom you'll be seeing will have Toyotas in it.

Elvira:
I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one.

Cop:
Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone?

Elvira:
No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it.

Lesley Meeker:
We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday?

Elvira:
I hope you changed the sheets.

Elvira:
My name's Elvira but you can call me 'tonight'.

Chastity Pariah:
Well, I never.

Elvira:
Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head.

Vincent Talbot:
The charge, my fellow council members, is witchcraft.

Vincent Talbot:
He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all its light, will then be ruler of the night, Master of the Dark.

Vincent Talbot:
I'll get you and your little dog, too.

Chastity Pariah:
Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore.

Patty:
Trash does not compete with class.

Billy:
I am so sure. They're gonna kill Spider-Man with plutonium? He's GOT radioactive blood!

Bob Redding:
I run the movie house.

Elvira:
Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?

Bob Redding:
No...

Elvira:
How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?

[Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will]

Elvira:
Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt.

Earl Hooter:
Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired little lady.

Elvira:
Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror!

Elvira:
Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?

Earl Hooter:
[Grabbing Elvira's breasts] It's milkin' time!

Bob Redding:
Patty... you're not a very nice person!

Elvira:
Just wait until I get my hands on that Patty. I'm going to rip out every bleach blonde hair out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs, then use her head for a bowling ball!

Bob Redding:
Whats that perfume your wearing?

Elvira:
Supper Unleaded... Don't smoke!

Cop:
Do you smoke? [Offering a cigarette]

Elvira:
Guess we'll find out soon enough.

Elvira:
I'd bend over backwards. I'd bend over forwards.

Do you know why I pulled you over? "No but if you hum a few lines I'll fake it"

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