Helen Lawson:
The only hit that comes out of a Helen Lawson show is Helen Lawson, and that's ME, baby, remember?

Neely O'Hara:
I didn't have dough handed to me because of my good cheekbones, I had to earn it.

Helen Lawson:
They drummed you out of Hollywood, so you come crawling back to Broadway. But Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope. Now get out of my way, I've got a man waiting for me.

Neely O'Hara:
Who are ya hiding from, Helen? The notices couldn't have been that bad.

Helen Lawson:
The show just needs a little fine tuning.

Neely O'Hara:
Don't worry, sweetheart. If the show folds I can always get a part as understudy for my grandmother.

Helen Lawson:
Thanks. I already turned down the part you're playing.

Neely O'Hara:
Bull! Merrick isn't that crazy.

Helen Lawson:
You oughta know, honey, you just came out of the nuthouse.

Neely O'Hara:
It was not a nuthouse!

Helen Lawson:
Look. They drummed you right outta Hollywood! So ya come crawlin' back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope. Now you get outta my way, I got a guy waitin' for me.

Neely O'Hara:
That's a switch from the fags you're usually stuck with!

Helen Lawson:
At least I never had to MARRY one!

Neely O'Hara:
YOU TAKE THAT BACK...

Neely O'Hara:
... oh my God, it's a wig! HER HAIR'S AS PHONY AS SHE IS!

Helen Lawson:
Get your hands off of me... GIMMIE BACK MY HAIR!

Jennifer North:
I wouldn't pay any attention to that. You know how bitchy fags can be!

Ted Casablanca:
You've got your new deal, and I've got my sanity back.

Neely O'Hara:
With that little whore?

Ted Casablanca:
That little whore makes me feel nine feet tall!

Neely O'Hara:
All right, faggot! Start explaining!

Ted Casablanca:
You need glasses, Neely. She's hardly built like a boy.

Neely O'Hara:
Boobies, boobies, boobies. Nothin' but boobies. Who needs em?

Mel:
You're spending a lot more time than necessary with that fag.

Neely O'Hara:
Ted Casablanca is NOT a fag... and I'm the dame who can prove it.

Anne Welles:
Neely, you know it's bad to take liquor with those pills.

Neely O'Hara:
They work faster.

Jennifer North:
You told me Gramp's been sick, Mother, and I know about the oil burner. Okay, I'll pawn the mink. He'll give me a couple hundred for it. Mother, I know I don't have any talent, and I know I all I have is a body, and I am doing my bust exercise. Goodbye, Mother. I'll wire you the money first thing in the morning. Goodbye.

Jennifer North:
Oh, to hell with them! Let 'em droop!

Neely O'Hara:
"I have to get up at five o'clock in the morning and SPARKLE, Neely, SPARKLE!"

Anne Welles:
You've got to climb Mount Everest to reach the Valley of the Dolls.

Jennifer North:
That old witch oughta to be boiled in oil.

Neely O'Hara:
I want a doll! I want a doll!

Lyon Burke:
Do you realize, Miss Wells, that you are the most beautiful girl that ever left lipstick in my office?

Anne Welles:
You like women, don't you?

Lyon Burke:
I like career girls. We're compatible.

Anne Welles:
There's a rumor they don't make very good wives.

Lyon Burke:
Well, I'm not looking for a wife.

Anne Welles:
You're fortunate you know yourself. I don't know who I am, or what I want.

Henry Bellamy:
Take these papers to Helen Lawson, and don't give her any of that "I loved you when I was a child" crap, or she'll stab you in the back.

Tony Polar:
Jen! I can't feel my legs!

Neely O'Hara:
Having FUN kiddies?

Jennifer North:
The sanitarium was very expensive!

Neely O'Hara:
Mel? God? Neely?... NEEEEEEELYYY O'HARAAAAAAAA!

Mel:
Is a rotten business!

Neely O'Hara:
I know. But I love it!