Van Wilder:
Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.

Van Wilder:
But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.

Suicidal Freshman:
I don't have a pen.

Van Wilder:
Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.

Van Wilder:
Write that down.

Van Wilder:
All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down.

Van Wilder:
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Van Wilder:
The first day of spring semester. A time to say goodbye to the parents once again, and say hello to a few new student bodies.

Van Wilder:
Don't be a fool, stay in school!

Taj:
I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.

Van Wilder:
Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.

Taj:
Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

Vance Wilder, Sr.:
Van is still in school?

Campus Cop:
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to back away from Van's vehicle!

Vance Wilder, Sr.:
Sweet Joesph, my son's a fairy.

Van Wilder:
Take your clothes off.

Gwen:
I'm not taking off my clothes.

Van Wilder:
Well it is the naked mile run, everybody else is in their birthday suit.

Van Wilder:
Except that guy.

Van Wilder:
Congratulations Taj, your first blow job!

Van Wilder:
Don't be a fool and wrap you're tool.

Van Wilder:
Crazy kids with their crazy VDs.

Hutch:
I've got a plan. Let's go get fucked up.

Van Wilder:
Sounds good.

Van Wilder:
I know Ms. Pac-Man is special. She's fun. She's cute. She swallows.

Panos Patakos:
Nobody even knows we're here.

Van Wilder:
Au contraire, mon freres.

Van Wilder:
I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's.

Van Wilder:
Her name's Naomi. That's "I moan" backwards.

Richard:
You're going to miss the biggest party of the year!

Jeannie:
This party so rocks, Richard!

Richard:
This party sucks rectum, Jeannie!

Panos Patakos:
How do you put a price on dignity?

Van Wilder:
Whoa, trick or treat. What's going on?

Richard:
This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party.

Van Wilder:
Graphic.

Richard:
Gwen, what are you doing here?

Van Wilder:
You two know each other?

Richard:
That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti.

Van Wilder:
You shouldn't take life to seriously. You'll never get out alive.

Van Wilder:
if you're always thinking about the future, then you kinda forget about the present.

Van Wilder:
He's here, who is running hell?

Van Wilder:
Blue. It brings out your eyes. The kid has killer eyes not unlike yourself.

Van Wilder:
Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK!

Van Wilder:
Not that you had to.

Van Wilder:
Wow, If he's here, who's running hell?

Van Wilder:
Well just take a look at this... ya... doodles... I attend class today just about stayed the whole time too!

Gwen:
I'm glad you went to all your classes today.

Van Wilder:
And a few that weren't mine, I stepped in the wrong room, liked what I heard... stayed.

Gwen:
That's great!

Gwen:
I'm doing a human interest piece... on you.

Van Wilder:
I'm flattered, I'd love for your piece to be on me.

Van Wilder:
... But sadly I don't do interviews, never have, never will. Do lunch though.

Richard:
Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. He's in his, what? sixth year?

Van Wilder:
Actually, its lucky number seven.

Gwen:
Well I think it takes a lot more then the kind of underwear one wears to define them as a person.

Van Wilder:
Like what?

Campus Cop:
We've got a jumper!

Stoner Freshman:
I see a rabbi, and he's performing a circumcision... on himself though.

Van Wilder:
Well, you haven't lived until you've shot-putted blitzed on Jager!"

Van Wilder:
I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake!

Van Wilder:
Gwen, good of you to come. Now take off your clothes. It is the naked mile run.

Taj:
Is that all you people think about? Getting fucked up?

Van Wilder:
All this time I thought I was more to you than a flaccid story.

Van Wilder:
It's a date.

Gwen:
It's an interview.

Van Wilder:
First dates are interviews.

Van Wilder:
Dinner for two. Clothing optional.

Van Wilder:
You think about the future too much and you kinda forget about the present. Obviously.

Van Wilder:
Hey look. I read the damn article all right. But don't tell anyone because if word gets out that I read my reputation shot to hell.

Taj:
Doesn't she have a boyfriend?

Van Wilder:
Details. Only details.

McDoogle:
Ok, Wilder. Let's dance.

Van Wilder:
It's a good day to die, McDoogle.

Van Wilder:
If Milty Mingleton can shove himself into that weenie bikini, then you don't need to be shy about making your donations to the swim team.

Van Wilder:
We'll be accepting donations in the form of cash, visa, and full frontal nudity.

Richard:
P.S. Shut the fuck up!

McDoogle:
This is some pad Wilder... Decorated in early fuck!

Richard:
You do not call her bitch, Gonad!

Vance Wilder, Sr.:
Where Can I find Van Wilder?

Wasted Guy:
In the Guinness Book of World Fucking Records... man, under Raddest Fucking Dude Alive.

Vance Wilder, Sr.:
He's three doors down, grandpa!

Van Wilder:
What's that intoxicating aroma you have on Doris?

Ms. Doris Haver:
I have a lot of cats

Van Wilder:
Meow!