Futurama: Bender's Big Score

Al Gore:
Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly laser blasts instead of deadly slide shows!

Leela:
What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?

Fry:
It was bound to be somewhere!

Nibbler:
Everyone, out of the universe!

Amy Wong:
Look at us, living like trash-eating bums in an alley now.

Zoidberg:
Yes... Now...

Hermes Conrad:
And that's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.

Bender:
I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.

Lars:
Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.

[last lines]

Bender:
Well, we're boned.

[Nibbler finishes removing the timecode from Fry's butt with a laser]

Nibbler:
Finished. I've managed to save the universe and forty percent of your rectum.

[everyone cheers]

Bubblegum Tate:
That's all you need.

Al Gore:
Dang. That hundred dollars could have gotten me... one gallon of gas!

[dramatic chord]

Bender:
You know its funny...

Fry:
What?

Bender:
Your wiener! haha

[Leela and Lars share an intimate kiss in the Hall of Screaming Skulls]

Leela:
Let's go to my place.

[cut to an outside shot of Leela's apartment building. A wrecking ball razes the building]

Lars:
I... like what you've done with it.

[everyone is huddled in a giant rock igloo on Neptune after the scammer aliens have taken over the Earth]

Bender:
Rrrrr... it's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency!

Leela:
What are you, a whining machine? If you want to worry about something, worry about the Yetis.

Zoidberg:
Jedis?

[a chorus of howling Yetis is heard from a distance]

Zoidberg:
Oh... YETIS!

Professor Farnsworth:
Amy - you speak Yeti - what are they saying?

Amy Wong:
I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... assaulting the interlopers!

[a trio of giant Yetis smashes through the side of the rock igloo; everyone screams and scatters while Leela runs towards them]

Leela:
Yeee-ah! Don't mess with me you ice-crapping snow honkys. I just got dumped!

[the Yetis flee in terror as Leela chases after them with a primitive spear]

Hermes Conrad:
Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti! She's gone crazy Eddie in the heady!

Bender:
I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do.

[Hermes realizes that Zoidberg attached his head to his body backwards]

Hermes Conrad:
You incompetent crab!

Zoidberg:
I thought you were happy. Your tail is wagging.

Hermes Conrad:
Kiss my front-butt!

Professor Farnsworth:
I can wire anything directly into anything! I am the Professor!

Nudar:
You've got no code, no porn, and you're ugly. Let's dance!

Lars:
Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying.

Nudar, Shlump, Fleb:
[singing] Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na! Hey, hey, hey! We took your stuff!

Barbados Slim:
Cruel runnings, man. Hahahaha!

Bubblegum Tate:
Man, that cube-root was a real buzzlebeater Clyde!

Professor Farnsworth:
If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all!

Hermes Conrad:
I am here.

Professor Farnsworth:
Quiet, you!

Bender:
Not so neutral now, are you, Sweden?

Nudar:
Nice attack, doodoo heads!

Barbados Slim:
You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now goodbye forever!

Professor Farnsworth:
Yes? I see. [hangs up phone] Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.

[the crew cheers]

Professor Farnsworth:
And not just fired, but beaten up, too... and pretty badly.

[the crew cheers doubtfully]

Professor Farnsworth:
In fact, most of them died from their injuries.

[the crew remains silent while Bender laughs evilly]

Professor Farnsworth:
And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.

Fry:
Why?

Professor Farnsworth:
Oh, it's got a million and one uses. [Takes some Torgo's Powder and sprinkles it in his pants] Aw, that soothes the fire.

Leela:
[referring to both the numerous air conditioners and the admirers of Futurama] So what does this mean for us and our many fans?

Professor Farnsworth:
It means we're back on the air!

[the crew is still silent]

Professor Farnsworth:
Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!

[the crew cheers wildly]

Bender:
We're back, baby!

Professor Farnsworth:
I'm sciencing as fast as I can!

[Bender's time paradox duplicate prepares to terminate Fry]

Bender:
Hasta la vista, meatbag!

Nudar:
You, Booger-Bot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy!

Bender:
Who the hell is he?

Scruffy:
I'm Scruffy... the janitor.

Bender:
Hang on, Scruffy!

Hermes Conrad:
Without my body, I'm a nobody!

Leela:
[Bender returns from time travel and steals... ] The Mona Lisa!

Bender:
Sorry, it's not quite finished.

Shlump:
Da Vinci give you any trouble?

Bender:
Let's just say he might not make it to "The Last Supper".

Professor Farnsworth:
Time travel is impossible!

Fry:
But Professor, you time traveled yourself. Remember? When we went back to Roswell?

Professor Farnsworth:
That proves nothing! And furthermore, you'd think I could remember a thing like that! Plus, who are you anyway?

Amy Wong:
Ahh, don't blame yourself, Bender.

Bender:
I don't blame myself. I blame all of you!

Amy Wong:
Us? How could you possibly blame us?

Bender:
It ain't easy. It just proves how great I am.

Zapp Brannigan:
We fight this battle not for ourselves, but for our children, and our children's children, which is why I'm forming a children's brigade.

Lars:
[to Zapp Brannigan] Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point? Or is this one of those phony bologna feel-good wars like the War on Drugs?

Bender:
Here's your Guttenberg Bible, masters, plus the Colonel's secret recipe: "Chicken, grease, salt".

Nibbler:
Alas our kitten-class attack ships were no use for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed! Doomed!

Fry:
Can I pull up my pants now?

Nibbler:
Dooooooooooooooooooooomed!

Fry:
So my copy lived 12 years longer before Bender killed him? I wonder what his life was like.

Scruffy:
Hmm, I guess we'll never know.

Zoidberg:
Or *will* we?

[pause]

Scruffy:
Nope.

Narrator:
[to audience] *They* won't know! But you *will*! Lucky you!

Bender:
[Bender falls out of sky, get's up, looks around] Awww, I lost him, people will call me a failure.

Bender:
[notices Fry in the upstairs window of Panucci's Pizza] Others however will call me the World's Sexiest Killing Machine, that's fun at parties.

Turanga Munda:
Our little girl is finally getting married, and to a normal two-eyed human.

Turanga Morris:
Eh, he's not good enough for her. Leela deserves a guy with a dozen eyes.

Turanga Munda:
Quit trying to fix her up with Fly Mutant!

Bender:
Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.

Dr. Shlavinowitz:
Leelu is a rare toothed female narwhal who got disoriented and washed up in Atlantic City, as we all do from time to time.

Fry:
That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse

Bender:
We could sing.

Professor Farnsworth:
I'd rather kill myself.

Amy Wong:
Why not do both?

Professor Farnsworth:
Oh, very well.

Bender:
[the Professor displays an equaution] What do ya got there, numbers?

Bender:
[entering a cab, driven by Al Gore] Follow that guy. Ther's an extra hundred in it for you, if you follow him that close that you run him over.

Bender:
I accept this Nobel Peace Prize not just for myself, but for crime robots everywhere. Skoal!