- CIA Agent Mr. Young: There are two things I know to be true. There's no difference between good flan and bad flan, and there is no war." »
- CIA Agent Mr. Young: When the fit hits the shan somebody's going to have to stay behind after school. »
- Conrad 'Connie' Brean: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. »
- Conrad 'Connie' Brean: All combat takes place at night, in the rain, and at the junction of four map segments. »
- Conrad 'Connie' Brean: I'm in show business, why come to me?
Stanley Motss: War is show business, that's why we're here. »
- Conrad 'Connie' Brean: I'm working on it. »
- Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Stanley, don't do this. You're playing with your life here.
Stanley Motss: Fuck my life. I want the credit. »
- Conrad 'Connie' Brean: What's the thing people remember about the Gulf War? A bomb falling down a chimney. Let me tell you something: I was in the building where we filmed that with a 10-inch model made out of Legos.
Stanley Motss: Is that true?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Who the hell's to say? »
- Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Would you go to war to do that?
CIA Agent Mr. Young: I have.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Well, I have, too. Would you do it again...? Isn't that why you're here? I guess so. And if you go to war again, who is it going to be against? Your "ability to fight a Two-ocean War" against who? Sweden and Togo? Who you sitting here to Go To War Against? That time has passed. It's passed. It's over. The war of the future is nuclear terrorism. It is and it will be against a small group of dissidents who, unbeknownst, perhaps, to their own governments, have blah blah blah. And to go to that war, you've got to be prepared. You have to be alert, and the public has to be alert. Cause that is the war of the future, and if you're not gearing up, to fight that war, eventually the axe will fall. And you're gonna be out in the street. And you can call this a "drill," or you can call it "job security," or you can call it anything you like. But I got one for you: you said, "Go to war to protect your Way of Life," well, Chuck, this is your way of life. Isn't it? And if there ain't no war, you can punch out, go home, and take up oil painting. And there ain't no war but ours. »
- Conrad 'Connie' Brean: You can't tell anyone about this.
Tracy Lime: It is like a union thing? »
- Johnny Dean: Albania's hard to rhyme. »
- Johnny Dean: I was just on my way to get drunk. »
- Stanley Motss: As long as he gets his medications, he's fine.
Winifred Ames: What if he doesn't get them?
Stanley Motss: He's not fine. »
- Stanley Motss: I bet you're great at chess.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: I would be if I could remember how all the pieces moved. »
- Stanley Motss: It's like a plumber: if you do it OK, nobody notices, if you fuck up, it gets full of shit. »
- Stanley Motss: It's okay, he's not dead.
Stanley Motss: Uh, strike that. »
- Stanley Motss: That's right. During the filming of 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,' three of the horsemen died two weeks before the ending of principle photography. This is nothing, this is nothing. This is... this is... this is act one- The War. »
- Stanley Motss: The President will be a hero. He brought peace.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: But there was never a war.
Stanley Motss: All the greater accomplishment. »
- Stanley Motss: This is NOTHING. »
- Stanley Motss: We're not gonna have a war, we're gonna have the appearance of a war. »
- Stanley Motss: What did television ever do to you?
Winifred Ames: It destroyed the electoral process. »
- Stanley Motss: What difference does it make if it's true? If it's a story and it breaks, they're gonna run with it. »
- Stanley Motss: When it's cooking, it's cooking. »
- Stanley Motss: Why Albania?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Why not?
Stanley Motss: What have they done to us?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: What have they done FOR us? What do you know about them?
Stanley Motss: Nothing.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: See? They keep to themselves. Shifty. Untrustable. »
- Tracy Lime: What would they do if I did tell someone?
Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Come to your house and kill you. »
- Winifred Ames: This is all your fault you liberal commie convict hiring fuck. »
- Winifred Ames: This is all your fault you liberal, commie, convict-hiring fuck. We're stranded miles from nowhere, no idea where we are, so what are we gonna do now you so-sure, twinkle-toed, Hollywood shit-head? Huh? What now?
Stanley Motss: This is nothing. This is nothing. Piece of cake, walk in the park. This is nothing. »
- Winifred Ames: What did he do?
Stanley Motss: He raped a nun...
Winifred Ames: Oh, God. Oh, God. Jes - Oh, God!
Stanley Motss: And...
Winifred Ames: "And"? I don't want to know an "and". Why is there an "and"?
Stanley Motss: Look, look, look, look, look. He's fine as long as he gets his medication...
Winifred Ames: And if he doesn't get his medications?
Stanley Motss: He's not fine. »
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