Gun Town

[first lines]

[Michelle is tied to a chair in an abandoned house]

Michelle:
Let me go. Let me go! Let me go, you son-of-a-b*tch, let me go!

[Michelle's abductor moves menacingly towards her]

Michelle:
Ah, please, please, just let me go, please. No! No! Please, no.

Kevin:
Dude, you're busted.

Matt:
I may be busted, but I'm out of school, baby.

Kevin, Matt:
The beer is good, the sex is fine, we're the Class of 2009!

Shelly:
You guys are full of sh*t.

[Matt and Kevin propose a road trip]

Matt:
Anyways, we came up with this idea when we leave here we have no idea where we're going.

Tracy:
And that's different from any other time how?

Kevin:
No, see that's the fun part. Just get in the car and go - it don't matter where. That's what makes it fun.

Tracy:
Hey, guess where we're going!

[Shelly shakes her head]

Tracy:
We don't know.

Kevin:
Sounds good, huh?

[the gang finds Michelle's car abandoned on the side of the road]

Tracy:
What are we going to do? We don't know where she is.

Matt:
We don't know where *we* are.

[Jerry finds an old but servicable vehicle under a tarp in the "abandoned" western town]

Kevin:
Awesome, dude! Let's go for help.

Matt:
Awesome, dude! Let's go to jail for grand theft auto.

Kevin:
Dude, it's a clunker. Who's going to care?

Shelly:
The owner?

Frank Bailey Jr.:
Hey! What the hell are you doin' playin' my damn piano?

Kevin:
Who are you?

Frank Bailey Jr.:
The damn piano player, dumbass.

Frank Bailey Jr.:
Hey! I never got y'all's admission. This place ain't free, you know.

[Kevin has just lost a quick draw contest with "the sheriff"]

Matt:
He's dead.

Tracy:
What?

Matt:
He's bleeding. He's really f***ing dead!

Shelly:
I thought you said that they were just... blanks.

Victoria Bailey:
Honey, your friend did have blanks, but my husband uses real bullets.

Dr. Sawbones:
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up; come this way. Hurry, hurry, hurry! Ain't no use in takin' all day - Dr. Sawbones ain't got all day. Come right over and have a seat, little lady. Tell you what I'm about to do. I'm about to introduce to you one of the most amusing, abusing and interestin' demonstrations of Hinduism tricksterism in these here United States of America. Yes sir, ladies and gentlemen, from the far corners of the Far East, from the land of the pharaohs comes the magic elixir that was the power behind the pyramids. What do you think it was that put the smile on the Mona Lisa? Why did Napoleon have his hand in his pocket? Yes sir, ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you right now it was this bottle right here - Dr. Sawbones' Magical Kaleidoscope Elixir. Yes sir, ladies and gentlemen, this little bottle will shine shoes, remove spots, warts, scars, unwanted pests like aunts and uncles. It cures burns, sores, freckles, double chins and even grows hair. It makes cows give more milk, bees make more honey and butterflies make more butter.

Shelly:
Hey, a**hole! It's your turn to die.

[last lines]

Dr. Sawbones:
That Frank Bailey, Sr. - he's a real mean one.