Ashley:
Peter Callahan is engaged to me. I object to this wedding!

Priest:
Get in line.

Ashley's husband:
And I object to your objection.

Mary Callaghan:
Who's that?

Peter:
Ashley's husband.

Midge Callaghan:
You proposed to a married woman?

Peter:
Yes. And I'm in a coma when my brother makes a play for my- sort of my fiancée

Joe Jr.:
O.K., Lucy, it's either me or him!

Lucy:
Him.

Joe Jr.:
You don't have to answer right away.

Elsie:
I don't drink anymore... I don't drink any less, either!

Elsie:
I like Mass better in Latin. It's nicer when you don't know what they're saying.

Jerry:
You're born into a family. You do not join them like you do the Marines.

Lucy:
Doesn't anybody use a phone anymore?

Joe Jr.:
I do.

Lucy:
I'm not talking about 900 numbers.

Joe Jr.:
Who told you?

Jack:
You suck!

Peter:
I suck, or the outfit sucks?

Jack:
It's a toss-up.

Lucy:
...and what are you, the Happiness Guru, Jack? Are you happy? Because I don't remember you having had a conversation with your father. I mean, you *do* want to leave the business don't you, or is this just like another *miscommunication* that we're having here?

Peter:
Remember the squirrels?

Jack:
Don't.

Peter:
First I knocked them out of their nest with a rock. Then I saved them.

Elsie:
Look at the bright side. He has more room in his jockey shorts.

Lucy:
It's just... I never met anyone I could laugh with. You know?

Lucy:
The truth was that I fell in love with you.

Ox Callahan:
You fell in love with me?

Lucy:
No, N-o, yes. All of you. I went from being all alone to being a fiancee, a daughter a granddaughter, a sister and a friend.

Lucy:
Peter once asked me when I fell in love with Jack. And I told him, "It was while you were sleeping."

Saul:
I couldn't love you any more if you were my own son. But the fact of the matter is, you're... well you're a putz.

Peter:
Is there a point to this?

Lucy:
Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah, I betcha don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person *really* knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that YOU were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven't even talked to? Have you ever been so alone you spend the night confusing a man in a coma?

Lucy:
You don't have to walk me home.

Jack:
You block the wind.

Lucy:
I'm a lot like my dad: brown hair, flat chest.

Lucy:
If you fit into my pants I think I'll kill myself.

Lucy:
You're sick.

Jerry:
Oh, I'm sick? You're cheating on a vegetable.

Priest:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to...

Lucy:
I object.

Saul:
Oh, geez.

Priest:
I didn't get to that part yet.

Jack:
I would have to object too.

Priest:
What about you?

Peter:
I'm thinking!

Lucy:
Celeste, you have to have sex to be pregnant.

Celeste:
But I thought you said you were engaged.

Lucy:
He would get these far-off looks in his eyes and he would say 'Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan'. I just wish I'd realized at the time, he was talking about MY life.

Man at Church:
Will you please pipe down?

Ox Callahan:
Hey, be nice pal-ly, we're in Church!

Man at Church:
You're disrupting the Mass!

Ox Callahan:
Who made you the Pope?

Lucy:
Wh-why did you say that?

Nurse Wanda:
Say what?

Lucy:
I'm not his fiancee.

Nurse Wanda:
Why did you tell me that you were?

Lucy:
I'm not engaged. I've never even spoken to the guy.

Nurse Wanda:
What? Well, do-, downstairs, you said, you said you were gonna marry him.

Lucy:
Oh, geez, I was talking to myself.

Nurse Wanda:
Well, next time you talk to yourself, tell yourself you're single and end the conversation.

Lucy:
I've had a really lousy Christmas, you've *just* managed to kill my New Year's, if you come back on Easter- you can burn down my apartment.

Jack:
I want you... not to be unhappy...

Midge Callaghan:
These potatoes are so creamy. Mary mashed them.

Jack:
What do you know about my family? Spending a week with them does *not* make you an expert!

Lucy:
Spending a *lifetime* with them, hasn't make you one, either!

Lucy:
You give up your seat every day in the train.

Peter:
Well... But that's not heroic.

Lucy:
It is to the person who sits in it.

Joe Jr:
Hey Pop. Can I give that bottle of Blue Nun you got from Cousin Ornello to my probation officer?

Lucy:
You're trying on my shoes?

Mr. Fusco:
"Nature of claim: Christmas tree through window". How am I gonna put that on my insurance claim? They're still pissed about the fire we had when Joe Jr. barbecued in the stairwell.

Lucy:
I missed that.

Mr. Fusco:
Great sausage.

Lucy:
Listen, I'll pay for this.

Mr. Fusco:
Don't worry about it, my brother Giuli's in the glass business.

Lucy:
Who is it?

Joe Jr.:
Joe Jr.

Lucy:
I'm not here.

Joe Jr.:
I know that trick!

Jerry:
Lucy?

Lucy:
Yeah?

Jerry:
They have *doctors* for this sort of thing!