Hot Tub Time Machine

Jacob:
[from trailer] Do I really gotta be the a**hole who says we got in this thing and went back in time?

Blaine:
America!

Lou:
Outta my way stool

Jacob:
For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends. Hot ones.

Lou:
You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.

Lou:
[to Jacob, while Lou is shocked that the former does not have ritalin] Don't f***in' lie to me, every one of you people have ritalin.

Jacob:
[to Lou] I have some Ativan but it's different.

Lou:
Well, let's stick it up our asses!

Jacob:
It's not a suppository!

Lou:
It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!

Lou:
I wanna f*** something!

Jacob:
[Refferring to Lou] Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me.

Adam:
Yeah, but you had that coming.

Nick, Lou, Adam:
[Repeated line, whispered] Great White Buffalo.

Lou:
It's called male bonding okay. Haven't you even seen 'Wild Hogs'?

Jacob:
[about Blaine] Hey look, it's the douchbag from Karate Kid 3.

Adam:
One little change has a ripple effect and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes or there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere.

Jacob:
Yes exactly. You step on the bug and the f***ing internet is never invented.

Lou:
Oh then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth.

Jacob:
Yeah. No. I was more concerned about bigger consequences like not being born.

Lou:
Yeah. No. I don't care about that.

Lou:
It's the f***ing 80's guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love!

Jacob:
That's the 60's, dipshit.

Adam:
We had like Reagan and AIDS. Let's get the f*** outta here, okay? Do the right thing, Violator!

Lou:
God. Relax. It's like you've haven't seen a little cum on your friends face before.

Jacob:
I'm kinda right in the middle of a thing right now, but can I text you later?

Girl at Club:
Can you what?

Jacob:
Are you online at all?

Girl at Club:
I have no idea what you're talking about.

Jacob:
How do I get a hold of you?

Girl at Club:
You come find me.

Jacob:
That sounds... exhausting.

Lou:
Okay lay down. We got a stupid baby to make.

Lou:
[Trying to disclaim rumors of his impotence] I can't believe I'm f***ing Adam's sister! I'm doing it! Oh God! I'm gonna cum! Shia Lebeouf! Dropping loads! So much f***ing semen. Little Tiny Jacobs!

Adam:
[to Lou] You are the patron saint of the totally f***ed. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the f***ing Violator!

Lou:
Here's a question. Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future for personal financial gain? Perhaps. Here's another question. Do I give a f***?

April:
What happened to your...

Adam:
I got stabbed in the face with a fork, I saw it coming, I avoided it, I didn't avoid it, it happened to me in a different way.

Jacob:
[ To Lou] I knew I hated you for a reason, I'm gonna tell everyone in prison I went back in time to kill my own father!

Lou:
[to Adam and Nick] Oh, man, what the f***'s he doing here?

Jacob:
Nice to see you too, Lou.

Lou:
[mimicking] Nice to see you too, Lou. F*** you, Jacob! You suck and you know it! You just ruined my f***ing weekend.

Adam:
Why don't you do something out of the house this weekend?

Jacob:
What should I do out of the house this weekend Uncle Adam?

Adam:
Something in the course of reality, get a job, go to college.

Jacob:
That all sounds overrated.

Nick:
[Nick is having sex with Tara in the bathtub in order to keep the events of the past unchanged. Nick is crying about cheating on his wife] Courtney.

Tara:
Tara.

Nick:
Courtney.

Tara:
Tara.

Nick:
Courtney.

Tara:
No seriously my name is Tara.

Nick:
Not you, my wife.

Tara:
You're married?

Nick:
No, not yet, she's nine.

Adam:
Why do you waste your time with that second-life bullshit? Look at you. You're still in jail. You were in jail last week.

Jacob:
Yeah, I'm a prisoner. It's called "doing hard time".

Adam:
Can't you be like a warrior or shaman or orc or some sh*t like that?

Lou:
[On his knees] Oh, wow, good for you.

Nick:
[Eyes closed, crying] I know, right?

Lou:
It's like Gary Coleman's f***ing forearm. It's so black, so impossibly black. Oh God, I love you buddy.

Nick:
Don't say that!

Lou:
I'm sorry, I do!

Lou:
Why don't you shut your slut mouth, and mind your own f***ing business?

Nick:
Excuse me Miss, what color is Michael Jackson?

Girl At Bar:
...black?

Nick:
AAHHH!

Nick:
It must be some kind of hot tub time machine... [deadpans into camera]

Lou:
Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way.

Jacob:
Yeah not with another f***ing guy!

Lou:
It's still a three-way!

Repairman:
Maybe what you need isn't in here. Maybe what you need, has been in here all along.

Jacob:
Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet, marked "Cincinatti" ?

Lou:
If I wanted to kill myself, I'd f***ing kill myself. I'd be awesome at it. A shotgun to the dick.

Lou:
F***in' Russian energy drink, Chernobly. Its got this sh*t in it, not even legal here.

Adam:
Whats in it?

Lou:
How the f*** am I supposed to know dude, but it's illegal.

Receptionist:
I do have a reservation here for a Nick Webber-Agnew.

Lou:
[overhears Nick's name]... Webber-Agnew?, Webber *f***ing* Agnew?, you took your wife's last name?

Nick:
It's progressive, a lot of dudes are doing it.

Nick:
Lou, why would he do this?

Adam:
Why? I mean make a list. He's an alcoholic, he's divorced, his wife ran off with that Jamaican guy.

Nick:
He's failed at every jived ass money hustle he's ever tried.

Adam:
He has a mountain of debt.

Nick:
He hates his mother.

Adam:
Hates himself, hates everybody.

Nick:
He has erectile dysfunction.

Adam:
He's got halitosis.

Nick:
He's got that right ball! One less ball, shriveled up

Adam:
Oh yeah!

Nick:
...like a... spoiled grape.

Adam:
I don't know. It's just like an accumulation of punishment.

Lou:
[Throws a pillow] F*** YOU GUYS!

Jacob:
She dumped you... and you still got stabbed in the eye!

Lou:
If that guy doesn't lose his arm soon, I'm gonna f***ing take it from him myself.

Nick:
Just like Cincinatti.

Lou:
What?

Adam:
You're gonna bring that up?

Lou:
We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinatti ever, okay?

Jacob:
Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinatti"?

Adam:
Yeah!

Lou:
What? That's f***ing admissible!

Nick:
You keep it in the closet?

Adam:
What was I supposed to do with it? You can't bury those things.

Nick:
You wrote "Cincinatti" on it?

Adam:
How do I know which one it's supposed to be?

Jacob:
Is it a fetus?

Nick:
My friends are ridiculous.

Jacob:
The taxidermist is stuffing my mother.

Nick:
[upon seeing their hotel for the first time in years] Muthaf***a.

Adam, Nick:
Ko... di... ak...

Lou:
...Valley! F***in' K-Vals!

Nick:
[on being stuck in the 80's] How am I supposed to get a job?

April:
Maybe the universe will bring us together again...

Phil:
Are you raping?

Lou:
We could combine Twitter and Viagra... Twitagra

Rick:
Get him a body bag, Blaine!

Adam:
Listen to me, man. That guy, that guy has pummeled you again and again.

Nick:
He made you his little b*tch!

Adam:
He's humiliated you, emasculated you. The wheel of fate has stopped and dumped you here again, utterly defeated.

Lou:
None of this is helping me at all.

Adam:
I know, it's coming. It's coming right now.

Nick:
Patience.

Adam:
Maybe you're supposed to do something different...

Blaine:
What is this, girl talk? Let's go here, come on.

Adam:
You're better than him!

Blaine:
America!

Adam:
Maybe not by a lot, but a little. You're the patron saint of the totally f***ed. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the f***ing Violator!

Blaine:
The moment's over. Let's go!

Adam:
You can do this! You can get us the f*** out of here! You can be the hero!

Nick:
Enrique'-f***ing'-lglesias.

Adam:
You love that song, don't you?

Lou:
I love that f***ing song!

[Lou gets up, launches himself one-footed off of the couch at Blaine. Blaine moves out of the way and punches Lou twice, knocking him back to the ground]

Adam:
Sh*t.

Lou:
God damn it! None of what you said worked at all!