Hot Water

Hubby:
Marriage is like dandruff - it falls heavily upon your shoulders - you get a lot of free advice about it - but up to date nothing has been found to cure it.

Hubby:
[gets hit with a spit wad] Bobby's here, isn't he? [sees smoke coming from his chair] And Charley's here too, isn't he? [sees his pipe in the trash] And Mother is here too, isn't she?

Boy:
[to the motorcycle cop coming out of the pond] Hey, don't you know swimming ain't allowed in there?

Hubby:
[thinking he overdosed his mother-in-law on chloroform] Mother, please don't die! Don't-don't make me a murderer!