Housebound

Dennis:
But anyone who says there's no such thing as a bad egg obviously hasn't worked in social services.

Amos:
Ghosts have a lower body temperature than humans.

Kylie Bucknell:
[in funny voice] Do dey?

Kylie Bucknell:
You honestly think this house is haunted?

Miriam Bucknell:
I do not want to get into this with you, Kylie. Obviously, you are just going to make fun of me.

Kylie Bucknell:
There is nothing funny about having a mother with dementia. You realise they put me on house arrrest to get some stability.

Miriam Bucknell:
Well, obviously, you have got a very selective memory.

Kylie Bucknell:
What is that supposed to mean?

Miriam Bucknell:
I am not the only one who thought there was a ghost in this house, Kylie. I fact, you used to be so terrified you could not sleep.

Kylie Bucknell:
Yeah, I also used to think the Moon was made of cheese. It is called childhood.

Amos:
You know, the closed mind is the worst defense against the paranormal, Kylie. What are you gonna do against a hostile spirit? You just gonna crack jokes?

Kylie Bucknell:
No, I am going to smash it in the face.

Amos:
You cannot punch ectoplasm.

Dennis:
I realise how difficult this is for you. But if you can just imagine for a moment that the danger you think you are in may not be as real as it seems. Are you familiar with the term dissociative identity disorder?

Kylie Bucknell:
Oh, get f***ed.

Dennis:
Do you ever lose track of time?

Kylie Bucknell:
No, I do not.

Dennis:
Do you sometimes hear voices?

Kylie Bucknell:
This is ridiculous.

Dennis:
What about your menstruating pattern?

Kylie Bucknell:
I beg your pardon?

Dennis:
A hallmark of the disorder in women is that each personality has its own menstrual cycle. This would mean that your periods are more frequent than usual.

Miriam Bucknell:
Well, that explains a lot.

Officer Grayson:
All right, all right. First thing we need to do is to make a statement.Now, what exactly is this in relation to?

Kylie Bucknell:
I was vacuuming in the house, and then I put the vacuum back in the cupboard, and I saw that there was this recess and it led to a secret room. And there was this guy in the walls. And he was pale. He has got black lips and a bung eye, and he is f***ing crazy. I swear to God, he tried to kill me and that is why I took off. And then I could not...

Officer Grayson:
Hold on, hold on. You are going too fast here. Okay. Put vacuum cleaner back in cupboard. And the rest is a blur. What did you say?

Dennis:
Kylie, it is the drugs you have not taken that concern me the most.

Kylie Bucknell:
What are you talking about?

Dennis:
A year ago you were diagnosed as bipolar.

Kylie Bucknell:
Yeah, to get in the sickness benefit. Everyone does it.

Dennis:
Going off your medication can be very dangerous.

Kylie Bucknell:
Dennis, I think you will find my mental state is pretty sound compared to the maniac that is living in our f***ing walls!