How I Got Into College

Coach Evans:
We got Ronnie "Sure Hands" Paulson, goddamn it!

Marlon Browne:
The interview is going to be key for me, since I'm the type that comes across much better in person than on paper.

Jessica Kailo:
Oh, you do?

Leo Whitman:
Girls like her are a dime a dozen. She's state school material at best.

Marlon Browne:
[the mailman has dropped off a letter in the mailbox, while a dog bites at his leg] Would you do me a favor and open it, please? I'm too nervous.

Mailman:
I'd love to. [he opens the letter and reads it]

Mailman:
Marlon Browne? Congratulations.

Marlon Browne:
I did it! I got into Ramsey! It's from Ramsey?

Mailman:
No, it's from Ed McMahon. You may have already won ten million dollars.

Kip Hammett:
At Ramsey, we're looking beyond the numbers.

Arcadia Bible Academy Recruiter:
[inside a booth at a college recruiting fair] Welcome to the Arcadia Bible Academy! Last night, Jesus Christ came down to me on a vision in a flaming pie! He said, I want... what's your name?

Marlon Browne:
Marlon.

Arcadia Bible Academy Recruiter:
Marlon! I want Marlon to attend the Arcadia Bible Academy. Paying full tuition, of course. Son... Jesus *loves* you.

Marlon Browne:
He might not if he saw my SAT scores.

Arcadia Bible Academy Recruiter:
They're low?

Marlon Browne:
Yeah.

Arcadia Bible Academy Recruiter:
All right.

[he pats Marlon on the shoulder, Marlon leaves the booth]

Arcadia Bible Academy Recruiter:
Jesus!

Leo Whitman:
I wish they'd tattoo their SAT scores across their forehead. At least that would make my decision easier.

Marlon Browne:
People choose colleges for all kinds of idiotic reasons, like fraternities and Slavic language departments.

Bennedict, SAT Coach:
That's the beauty of the Bauer/Bennedict method. You see, you don't have to understand us... just trust us!

George Kailo:
Why should I spend $10,000 for you to go to Ramsey when you can go to Michigan for five? What, is the football team five times cuter? You'll get an education that's five times better?

Jessica Kailo:
I'll get a job and I've already investigated student loans.

George Kailo:
There's been a big change with student loans. They want to get paid back!

Francine Bauer, SAT Coach:
[about the SAT test] Guessing cannot hurt you. You have the B&B guarantee on that. Just close your eyes and point.

Bill Browne:
Marlon's a great kid, really. He just needs time to develop. Like a fine wine.

Marlon Browne:
Two men, A and B, are trapped inside my mailbox chained to 200,000 pounds of explosives.

B:
This isn't funny!

A:
What test is this?

Marlon Browne:
If their chains are three inches thick and they have thirty seconds to escape, sawing at one inch per second, what are their chances for survival?

B:
Skip it! Go to the next problem!

A:
Come on, man! Get us out of here!

Marlon Browne:
Who cares? I already got into college.

Kip Hammett:
[about Marlon's video] Now I know this kid seems hopeless. But you've gotta look at this video. I've seen it and I think he's really got something.

Leo Whitman:
Better be a union card.

Oliver:
Forget this "go to college" crap!

[last lines]

A:
There's always graduate school!

Jessica Kailo:
I can't believe we're breaking and entering into the college we want to get into.

Marlon Browne:
The thing about Ramsey, Dad, is that they actually consider people like me.

Sharon Browne:
What does that mean? They're looking for someone with a definitive collection of Silver Surfer comic books?