President Grant:
Mr. West, not every situation requires your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two.

Artemus Gordon:
She's a breath of fresh ass.

Capt. James West:
You know what you just said? You just said "ass."

Artemus Gordon:
No I didn't. No, I said "it's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air."

Dr. Arliss Loveless:
Mister West! How nice of you to join us tonight and add COLOR to these monochromatic proceedings!

Capt. James West:
Well when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to STAND UP and be counted!

Dr. Arliss Loveless:
Miss East informs me that you were expectin' to see General McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a COON's age!

Capt. James West:
Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even HALF the people you know.

Dr. Arliss Loveless:
Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a SLAVE to your disappointment!

Capt. James West:
Well, you know beautiful women; they encourage you one minute, and CUT THE LEGS OUT from under you the next!

Capt. James West:
Loveless has kidnapped metallurgists, so whatever he's building is going to have armor. He's kidnapped chemists, so it'll have explosives. And you've said that Rita's father is the biggest expert on hydraulics in the world, so it's going to move. What could he be building that will make the president surrender the U.S. Goverment?

Artemus Gordon:
A bedside heater.

Capt. James West:
What?

Artemus Gordon:
Rita. She could use a bedside heater. It gets rather cold back there.

Dr. Arliss Loveless:
We may have lost the war, but we haven't lost our sense of humor. Even when we lose a lung, a spleen, a bladder, thirty-five feet of small intestine, two legs, and our ability to reproduce all in the name of the south, do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR?

Capt. James West:
Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to tell that you weren't a woman.

Artemus Gordon:
I was propositioned by three men!

Capt. James West:
You know, you could put a gun on that.

Artemus Gordon:
Then where would I keep my pencil?

Capt. James West:
I thought I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McGrath.

Artemus Gordon:
An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize.

Artemus Gordon:
The collars are what's attracting them! They contain powerful magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine!

Capt. James West:
Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power?

Artemus Gordon:
About four hundred years!

Capt. James West:
Damn!

Artemus Gordon:
I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the "Master of the Mechanical Stuff"! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF!

Capt. James West:
Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out.

Artemus Gordon:
Don't worry.

Artemus Gordon:
Oh, look. My auxiliary tool kit, I forgot all about it. It must have fallen out of my pocket.

Capt. James West:
Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass?

Artemus Gordon:
That's the first place Loveless would have looked.

Coleman:
President thought you boys could use a little looking-after. But I draw the line at defying gravity, so good luck.

Capt. James West:
I have a telegram for a Dr. Loveless. It's from his mother, Irene. She's telling him to come on home, stop all this foolishness.

Dr. Arliss Loveless:
We may not have a woodshed on board, but that boy is gonna get a whuppin' anyway!

Dr. Arliss Loveless:
Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost? It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive, anyway. We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No, not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, thirty-five feet of small intestine, and our ability to reproduce - all in the name of the South! - do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!

Capt. James West:
Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a redneck dance.

Artemus Gordon:
Jim?

Capt. James West:
What now, Artie?

Artemus Gordon:
Mind if I ask you a question?

Capt. James West:
Actually, I do, Artie.

Capt. James West:
That's it, no more Mr. Knife guy.

Artemus Gordon:
I only have one request: that you aim for my heart, my heart which has loved this country so much.

Dr. Arliss Loveless:
Shoot him in the head.

Artemus Gordon:
We have the element of surprise. What does Loveless have?

Artemus Gordon:
He has his own city.

Capt. James West:
He has an 80-foot tarantula.

Artemus Gordon:
I was just coming to that.

Capt. James West:
Let's break it down into two words. First, red. Red is like, fire, passion. Neck is - I can't think of anything for neck right now.

Dr. Arliss Loveless:
Rita, my dear. Not that I'm ungrateful to providence for bringing you back, but I have to confess - I'm just a little bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them.

Rita Escobar:
Well, they seemed so sure that they could find you, I thought if I stayed with them, they'd bring me back to all my friends.

Rita Escobar:
Not to give you a big head, but, I kind of missed you.

Dr. Arliss Loveless:
Well, isn't that a coincidence? Cos, I kinda miss me too!

Rita Escobar:
He's so impetuous.

Artemus Gordon:
Yes, he's an idiot.

Arliss Loveless:
Well now, Mr. West how did we arrive in this DARK situation?

Capt. James West:
I don't know Dr. Loveless. I'm just as STUMPED as you are.

Capt. James West:
Well, Dr. Loveless. I bet you thought that was pretty funny, dancing on my head and all. Now, if you ask me, someone owes someone else here an apology.