Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters

Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters



 
IMDB:
7.2
TV-PG
Year:
2012
80
1,253 Views

Jeff Dunham:
[relating a story from his childhood when cars had no seat belts] I would run around back there, and when my mother was driving, she would not pay any attention to me. My mother, still to this day, has a big, giant beehive hairdo. Pretty much Marge Simpson hair, but not the same color, you know what I'm saying? Looks like that. She also has these giant curlers she uses, and she put them all over her hair. And I remember standing in the backseat, and I would look at her hair, this big, giant beehive of hairdo, all held together with AquaNet. And these big, giant curlers would make these holes, which looked like caves to me. I imagined they were a maze of caves in her hair like this. I remember standing back there, staring at the hair, and then I looked over on the seat of the car and, oh, there's a little rubber, plastic spider, a black spider. This is all true. I took that black spider, and I put it right on the edge of one of the curls. Fantastic, looked great. I'm sitting there, looking at it, and I thought, nah, that's not good enough. I found a pencil. I took the pencil. She's not paying any attention. This is all true. Didn't know I was doing this. And I took that pencil and ever so gently pushed it back to the back of the curl, deep into the caves of curls. Gone! Four days later... I'm not kidding. Four days later, my bedroom was right next to my parents' bathroom. My mother would comb out of her hair about once a month. It was four days later, she's in the bathroom, combing out her hair. The bloodcurdling scream that came when that spider fell onto her lap was worth the beating I took later that night.

Jeff Dunham:
As I grew up, I learned to appreciate all those monster things, and then when I had children, I taught my children that scaring and being scared was a great thing. My youngest daughter, Kenna, when she was a little kid, she was a master at scaring people. And when you're scared, there's one of two things that happens to you. You have one of two emotions usually, and it's either fight or flight. And you don't know which one you're gonna do until you're actually really, really scared, and I've never actually been really, really scared until my daughter started scaring me! This little twerp can jump out of nowhere in the middle of the darkness and... [mimics child making a startling sound]... and I was like, "WAH!" And I wasn't a flight; I didn't scream like a girl and run away. I started punching! The worst was when I was upstairs in the master bathroom, I was cleaning a toilet, I had the plunger, I was plunging the toilet, I got finished, I was walking down the hall, middle of the night like this. [walks across the stage] She jumped out of nowhere. My first reaction was, like, "Whoa-oh-oh!" [pretends to swing a stick] And she's like, "Yay! Dad almost killed me with a plunger! Whoo!" She's laughing. That little kid would hide underneath my desk in my office. I had a desk that was fully enclosed. When you'd sit underneath it, it was a little cave under there. She learned to hide under there, and she would sit there patiently. That's what's so evil about it. She would wait for ten minutes and then reach out and grab my legs. I'd be like... [grunts] She eventually learned to take a pillow with her. You'd be like, "Aah!" [makes kicking motion] What the...? Oh.


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