Grady Tripp:
She's a transvestite.

Terry Crabtree:
You're stoned.

Grady Tripp:
She's still a transvestite.

Antonia "Tony" Sloviak:
That's a nice greenhouse.

Grady Tripp:
It's Mrs. Gaskell's. Her hobby.

Terry Crabtree:
I thought you were Mrs. Gaskell's hobby, Tripp.

Grady Tripp:
Piss off, Crabs. I lost a wife today.

Terry Crabtree:
Oh, I'm sure you'll find another. You always do.

Sara Gaskell:
So. I guess we just divorce our spouses, marry each other, and have this baby, right? Simple.

James Leer:
It's just... for good luck. Some people carry rabbits' feet...

Grady Tripp:
...You carry firearms.

James Leer:
You're not like my other teachers, Professor Tripp.

Grady Tripp:
You're not like my other students, James.

James Leer:
Professor Tripp? Can I ask you a question?

Grady Tripp:
Yeah, James.

James Leer:
What are we going to do with... it?

Grady Tripp:
I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how to tell the Chancellor I murdered her husband's dog.

James Leer:
You?

Grady Tripp:
Trust me, James, when the family pet's been assassinated, the owner doesn't want to hear one of her students was the trigger man.

James Leer:
Does she want to hear it was one of her professors?

Grady Tripp:
...I've got tenure.

James Leer:
Now, that is a big trunk. It holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly.

Grady Tripp:
That's just what they used to say in the ads.

James Leer:
The doors made so much noise!

Grady Tripp:
Is he all right?

James Leer:
It was so embarrassing! He had to be carried out.

Terry Crabtree:
He's fine. He's narrating.

James Leer:
They were going to the restroom. But would they make it in time?

Vernon Hardapple:
You drivin' this car?

Grady Tripp:
Excuse me?

Vernon Hardapple:
This 1966 maroon Ford Galaxie 500. You drivin' this car?

Grady Tripp:
It's mine.

Vernon Hardapple:
Bullshit! It's mine, motherfucka!

Grady Tripp:
You must be mistaken.

Vernon Hardapple:
Bullshit!

Grady Tripp:
Well, he did say a few things that made me believe it WAS his car.

Terry Crabtree:
Like what?

Grady Tripp:
"That's my car, motherfucker."

Grady Tripp:
I'm a teacher, not a Holiday Inn.

Grady Tripp:
Where's the cake?

Terry Crabtree:
Right behind you.

Grady Tripp:
That's not what I meant.

Sara Gaskell:
Is that Cristaile?

Grady Tripp:
Mm.

Sara Gaskell:
My God, I wear the same scent as a transvestite.

Grady Tripp:
Shit, James. You shot Dr. Gaskell's dog.

James Leer:
I had to! Didn't I?

Grady Tripp:
Couldn't you have just pulled him off me?

James Leer:
No thanks. I'm fine without them.

Grady Tripp:
Right. That's why you were standing in the Chancellor's back yard twirling that little cap gun of yours tonight. You're fine, all right, you're fit as a fucking fiddle.

Grady Tripp:
Fine, just fine.

James Leer:
Yeah, fit as a fucking fiddle.

Grady Tripp:
What do we have here? This looks like... that's our old friend Mr. Codeine. That should take the old pinch out of the ankle. Want one?

James Leer:
No, thanks. I'm fine without them.

Grady Tripp:
Right. That's why you were standing in the chancellor's backyard spinning that "cap gun" of yours. You're fine. Yeah, you're just as fit as a fuckin' fiddle.

Grady Tripp:
James like it or not those people out there are your parents.

James Leer:
They're not my parents.

Grady Tripp:
What?

James Leer:
They're my grandparents... my parents are dead.

Grady Tripp:
James the man is obviously your father... you look just like him.

James Leer:
There's a reason for that.

Vernon Hardapple:
Why did you keep writing this book if you didn't even know what it was about?

Grady Tripp:
I couldn't stop.

Grady Tripp:
I hope you don't find this forward Amanda, but I wonder if I might ask: Did you ever go to Catholic school?

Amanda Leer:
Excuse me?

Grady Tripp:
Okay, James, I wish you hadn't shot my girlfriend's dog. Even though Poe and I weren't exactly what you'd call simpatico, that's no reason he should've taken two in the chest.

Oola:
I know you. Double Dickel on the rocks. I never forget a drink.

Grady Tripp:
And I never forget an Oola.

James Leer:
These are incredible. Incredible!

Grady Tripp:
Finish the rest of that joint, James, you can start chewing on the box.

James Leer:
No offence, Professor Tripp, but you look kinda crappy.

Hannah Green:
Grady, you know how in class you're always telling us that writers make choices?

Grady Tripp:
Yeah.

Hannah Green:
And even though you're book is really beautiful, I mean, amazingly beautiful, it's... it's at times... it's... very detailed. You know, with the genealogies of everyone's horses, and the dental records, and so on. And... I could be wrong, but it sort of reads in places like you didn't make any choices. At all. And I was just wondering if it might not be different if... if when you wrote you weren't always... under the influence.

Grady Tripp:
Well... thank you for the thought, but shocking as it may sound, I am not the first writer to sip a little weed. Furthermore, it might surprise you to know that one book I wrote, as you say, "under the influence," just happened to win a little something called the Pen Award. Which, by the way, I accepted under the influence.

Q:
I... am a writer.

Grady Tripp:
Besides, I'm not sure if he's, uh...

Terry Crabtree:
He is, I'm sure, take my word for it. I see myself in him.

Grady Tripp:
Oh, I'm sure you do.