Kickassia

[first lines]

Narrator:
There is a nation called Molossia - a micronation, to be precise - located just outside of Reno in Dayton, Nevada. It is a small speck of land - 1.3 acres to be exact - but through a strange loophole, it is technically considered a nation. It is run by a man named Kevin Baugh, who has declared himself the proud president of this land. He has been called one Curly short of The Three Stooges, but he does manage to keep order in his humble country. For the most part, Molossia is a quiet, simple, genlte land that has yet to subject itself to any intense, hostile violence. That is where the Nostalgia Critic comes in.

Nostalgia Critic:
Why do they always want to do it the hard way?

[repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
It's time.

Nostalgia Critic:
[over the phone] Hello?

The Spoony One:
Yeah, it's 3:22 PM.

Nostalgia Critic:
What?

The Spoony One:
I thought you were asking what time it was.

Nostalgia Critic:
No, I'm telling you it is time!

The Spoony One:
Yeah, and that time is 3:22 PM.

Linkara:
I got 3:24 here, but I think Spoony's watch is more accurate.

Nostalgia Critic:
[over the phone] Cinema Snob?

Cinema Snob:
Guilty as charged.

Nostalgia Critic:
Any chance you got Sean's number?

Cinema Snob:
Your mom has Sean's number.

Nostalgia Critic:
Shut up.

That Chick With The Goggles:
[over the phone] Hello. That Chick With The Goggles.

Nostalgia Critic:
Goggles? It's time.

That Chick With The Goggles:
It is?

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes. We are taking over Molossia!

That Chick With The Goggles:
We're taking over Molossia?

Nostalgia Critic:
I know, right? So get your stuff together and come down to...

That Chick With The Goggles:
Oh, by the way, this has been an answering machine the whole time. Leave your message after the beep.

Nostalgia Critic:
[over the phone] Can you hear me?

Angry Joe:
Yes.

Nostalgia Chick:
Yes.

Phelous:
Yes.

Cinema Snob:
No. I mean yes.

Linkara:
But it's only an acre of land! What can we do with an acre of land?

Nostalgia Critic:
What can't we do with an acre of land?

Nostalgia Critic:
What started as just an acre of land will blossom into something more than an acre of land!

Linkara:
Yeah, like two acres of land!

MarzGurl:
This is balls.

Nostalgia Critic:
Alright people, this is the moment you've been waiting for! Bravery will be rewarded! Destinies will be revealed! And the honor of a new nation will be born! A nation which I will declare: KICKASSIA!

Angry Joe:
[shooting a wire fence] It's no use! The bullets are just going through the holes!

Nostalgia Critic:
Don't make us review you.

Nostalgia Critic:
Is it just me or does this tea smell a little, um... poison-y?

Bennett the Sage:
Boy, it's so great to be back here in this crowded, cramped hotel room again. I wonder if it's still impossible for me to stretch my arms.

[attempts to move his arms and hits Phelous and Paw]

Bennett the Sage:
I can't! Happy birthday to me!

8-Bit Mickey:
He's mad I tell you, mad!

[Handsome Tom slaps him]

8-Bit Mickey:
Mad!

[Handsome Tom slaps him]

8-Bit Mickey:
Okay, I'm good.

Nostalgia Critic:
I've wanted this place for a long time and now that I got it, I'm not going to let anyone take it away from me. I discovered that the world is filled with nasty-wasties, and a lot of those nasty-wasties want what I got. So, if any of them try to take away what I have, I'm not afraid to go down with the ship and take everybody with me. But that's just if one of those nasty-wasties shows up. Or if someone in this beloved nation of mine is a nasty-wasty. What do you say, Cinema Snob? You're not one of those nasty-wasties, are you?

Cinema Snob:
No, of course not.

Nostalgia Critic:
Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Take care.

Bennett the Sage:
I say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus and play pi?ata with his entrails!

[beat]

Bennett the Sage:
What?

Benzaie:
You were just so fast to say that.

Cinema Snob:
You're out of order, they're out of order! The whole system is out of order!

Nostalgia Critic:
I am the system!

Cinema Snob:
I know you're the system! That's my point!

Nostalgia Critic:
I know it's your point! It's just when you say that I'm out of order and the system's out of order it's kind of redundant!

Cinema Snob:
The point I'm trying to get across is f*** you!

Nostalgia Critic:
F*** you!

Cinema Snob:
F*** YOU!

Nostalgia Critic:
F*** YOU!

JewWario:
Oh, won't somebody think of the children?

Nostalgia Critic:
Can I get some cream in my tea?

Nostalgia Chick:
Cream just makes your penis smaller. Now drink your tea.

Cinema Snob:
Look, I'll have a talk with the Critic, see if any of this is true.

Paw:
What if he suspects us going behind his back?

Cinema Snob:
He won't suspect us. I'll put it very delicately.

[scene cuts to Snob talking to Critic]

Cinema Snob:
Everybody thinks you're nuts.

Nostalgia Critic:
And so, it is the ruling of this court that you be found guilty for the crimes against our government. All in favor, say 'aye'. Aye. All opposed?

The Spoony One, Linkara, Angry Joe, Nostalgia Chick, Phelous, MarzGurl, Bennett the Sage, 8-Bit Mickey, Benzaie:
Nay!

Nostalgia Critic:
[sing-songy] Too bad I'm in charge! Guilty!

Nostalgia Critic:
Cinema Snob, do you have anything to say before I sentence you to your... sentence?

Cinema Snob:
Oh, I got something to say.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well make it quick, I don't want to miss Gilligan.

Cinema Snob:
When I helped build Kickassia, I had a dream of freedom, justice and honor. But now I see it has been shattered by the dumbass cock-face that sits across from me. You really know how to put the 'dick' in dictatorship.

Nostalgia Critic:
May your honor be stricken forever. May your name always be associated with douchebaggery. And may you walk, until you walk no more. Go! And never return.

Cinema Snob:
Okay, I'm going to catch a cab. If anyone needs me, I'll be at the hotel down the street.

Ma-Ti:
Yes, it is I, Ma-Ti... from Captain Planet.

Ma-Ti:
You're a fool, Critic! A damn fool! You cannot change your destiny! You can only choose to meet it... and you will fail.

Benzaie:
Sh*t! Cinema Snob is gone, now what do we do?

Linkara:
I suggest an attack. A full-frontal assault by all of us. I'll orchestrate it myself.

Angry Joe:
Damn it, man! He'll have plenty of time to set off the detonator! He'll kill us all!

Linkara:
I can do this Joe! I've seen "Patton" over a hundred times!

Angry Joe:
A stupid plan for a stupid man!

Linkara:
Are you high?

Angry Joe:
[flashes a big grin]

Dr. Insano:
Ahahahahaha!

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, hey! You gave into the madness. That's awesome.

Dr. Insano:
Whatever happened to the purity of unarmed combat?

Nostalgia Critic:
This is just superconductory electromagnetism. Certainly you've heard of it. It levitates bullet trains from Tokyo to Osaka. It will levitate my rocket chair once it finally arrives. And it also levitates... me.

Nostalgia Critic:
[levitates]

Dr. Insano:
You do realize you're just standing on your tippy toes, don't you?

[beat]

Nostalgia Critic:
[zaps Dr. Insano]

Dr. Insano:
Your superconductory electromagnetism is no match for my science!

Nostalgia Critic:
It is science!

Dr. Insano:
But I'm science-ier!

Dr. Insano:
I would also like my own flag made for me, one with the evolution of man, except with me at the end of the line! Oh, and I would also like my own ice cream parlor. There's never an ice cream stand around when you really need one. Oh! And it better goddamn well have chocolate chocolate chip! God help you if you don't have chocolate chocolate chip!

Nostalgia Critic:
Knock knock.

Dr. Insano:
Who's there?

Nostalgia Critic:
GUN!

Dr. Insano:
Surrender!

Nostalgia Critic:
No!

Dr. Insano:
Alright, I just thought I'd give it a shot.

Linkara:
You just killed Santa Christ!

Nostalgia Critic:
You all saw it. He came at me with a chainsaw.

Handsome Tom:
This is a sad day for Handsome Tom.

8-Bit Mickey:
And 8-Bit Mickey!

Angry Joe:
At least he died a good, strong man.

Lee:
And three-dimensionally.

Sean, Mike J, Guru Larry, That Chick With The Goggles, Coldguy, Little Miss Gamer, Lanipator, KaiserNeko, Dominic, The Last Angry Geek:
I believe in Santa Christ!

Dena, Cat, Guy Lynor, Takahata101, Y Ruler of Time, MasakoX:
I believe in Santa Christ!

That Jewish Guy:
I believe in... wait, you want me to say what?

Nostalgia Critic:
Et tu, Film Brain?

Film Brain:
Sorry, Critic, but you killed one Santa Christ too many.

Linkara:
Good shooting, Joe, except for the fact that you missed.

Nostalgia Critic:
Do I have to start paying you so I can cut your wages?

Nostalgia Critic:
You know, I expected Kickassia to kick a little more ass than this.

Cinema Snob:
Weren't you Dr. Insano?

The Spoony One:
Eh, I got better.

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Hold it!

MarzGurl:
What do you want?

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Oh nothing, just wanted to make my cameo. Bye.

Nostalgia Critic:
Wait! I have an idea!

Phelous:
Really? What is it?

Nostalgia Critic:
The idea... involves...

Phelous:
You.

Nostalgia Critic:
Me... um...

Phelous:
Getting.

Nostalgia Critic:
Getting... I... uh...

Phelous:
Your ass kicked.

Nostalgia Critic:
My ass kicked. Me getting my ass kicked. Oh, wait.

Phelous:
Too late.

Nostalgia Chick:
Wait, how come it took you three days to come back? Why couldn't you just do it right away?

Santa Christ:
I'm sorry, have you ever been dead before?

Nostalgia Chick:
No.

Santa Christ:
Have you ever risen from the grave?

Nostalgia Chick:
Guess not.

Nostalgia Critic:
Cinema Snob, how dare you return from your banishmentdome.

Cinema Snob:
That was the old order. This is the new order.

Nostalgia Critic:
New order?

Cinema Snob:
Yes, one that's been coming to you for a long time.

Nostalgia Chick:
[Nostalgia Critic is beaten senseless] Well done, everyone, well done. Now, since I am next in line for the presidency, it's only fitting that I should wear the crown. [takes Critic's hat] You will refer to me as Madame President from now on.

Bennett the Sage:
Wait a minute, so this whole cutesy, naive thing was just an act?

Nostalgia Chick:
Yep.

JewWario:
You're not really that nice?

Nostalgia Chick:
Nope.

Benzaie:
You're not really that stupid?

Nostalgia Chick:
Uh-uh.

Nostalgia Chick:
I am the new ruler of Kickassia, and there's gonna be some new rules around here. [laughs maniacally]

Cinema Snob:
[takes hat from her] Excuse me, but it was my insight that overthrew this government. So I think it should be I taking over as acting president. [laughs maniacally]

Linkara:
[takes hat from him] Bad news, I'm afraid. Since I'm the one who orchestrated this operation, it's obviously I who should be president. [laughs maniacally]

Nostalgia Critic:
Joe and Linkara have gone crazy with violence. Destroy them until they're nothing but rubble!

Linkara:
Critic, you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BOOK!

Nostalgia Critic:
Hello, um, because my team cannot run a nation [is bumped] I mean, *I* can't run a nation, we've decided to give the nation back to you. So you can... own Molossia again.

Baron Fritz von Baugh:
Wasn't mine to begin with.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh Christ, well when you "see" the president, like when he shows up, can you tell him that Molossia is his again?

Baron Fritz von Baugh:
I will relay the message.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, you do that, you twat.

Rollo T:
[interviewing The Nostalgia Critic who is dressed like M. Bison] Mr. Critic, would you say your diabolical plan is to... take over the world?

Nostalgia Critic:
Naturally!

Rollo T:
Well, then, would your say your plan is to one day conquer the galaxy?

Nostalgia Critic:
Eventually!

Rollo T:
Oh, Mr. Critic, do you some day plan on being bigger than God?

Nostalgia Critic:
Of... That question you can definitely say yes to.

Rollo T:
Say, Critic... Do you get a lot of p*ssy with that outfit?

Nostalgia Critic:
Of course!

Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One, Linkara, Angry Joe, Nostalgia Chick, Phelous, MarzGurl, Bennett the Sage, Benzaie, JewWario:
I believe in Santa Christ.

8-Bit Mickey, Lee, Handsome Tom, Paw, Film Brain, LordKat, Rollo T:
I believe in Santa Christ.

Phelous:
I think our last option after our last option is Linkara.

Angry Joe:
Yeah, you might have a point. [Looks over at Linkara who is cleaning his magic gun] What do you say Linkara? Why don't you try out some of that strategic mumbo-jumbo?

Linkara:
[Puts the gun away and gets up, throwing an arm over Joe's shoulder as he talks] Joe, Joe, Joe. I know we've had our differences in the past.

Angry Joe:
We have?

Linkara:
Yes; I don't like you very much.

Angry Joe:
Oh. [Pouts]

Linkara:
[while walking away] But your live of destruction mixed with my love of planning destruction might serve us well.

Angry Joe:
So you'll do it?

Linkara:
[Looks dramatically over his shoulder] Its my job to do it.

Linkara:
[Spins around dramatically, shedding his coat to reveal a TNG Star Trek uniform and knocking off his fedora to replace it with a helmet before pushing Joe aside and imitating Patton] Alright troops, here's how its gonna work...

Cinema Snob:
[re: the Critic] He does nothing. It's like the job of a president is to be removed from reality while everyone else does the work.

Benzaie:
Um... yeah, imagine that.

[repeated line]

Nostalgia Critic:
Dammit, Ma-Ti.

Nostalgia Critic:
[getting beaten] I never even got... my rocket chair.

Nostalgia Critic:
[answering phone] Hello?

Angry Joe:
I'm behind you one hundred and ten percent, Critic! Any Chik-Fil-A's refusing to serve us delicious nuggets on Sundays from here on out shall be blown sky high!

Nostalgia Critic:
What are you talking about?

Angry Joe:
Wait, what are YOU talking about?

Nostalgia Critic:
The invasion of Molossia!

Angry Joe:
...What is Molossia?

Nostalgia Critic:
I mean, haven't you ever wanted to rule your own nation?

JewWario:
Does Sim City count?

8-Bit Mickey:
We could use Handsome Tom's head for a battering ram.

Handsome Tom:
Hey!

Nostalgia Critic:
Nah, his head's too soft.

Handsome Tom:
Hey!

MarzGurl:
Did you punch them yet?

Linkara:
After lunch.

[repeated line]

JewWario:
I like it!

Lee:
Have you ever felt the motion of water being poured into your three dimensional organs? I have, and it is miraculous.

Dr. Insano:
I feel like a puppy that's been raped by a bulldozer.

MarzGurl:
We heard gunshots!

JewWario:
Did it come from a gun?

LordKat:
You look me in the eye and tell me he's not stupid enough to do something that crazy. [Dramatic music builds as the Snob gears up with his answer]

Cinema Snob:
[Deep breath] Okay, you have a point.

Santa Christ:
On the third day, I rise again, in fulfillment of the awesomeness.

Nostalgia Critic:
And I shall be elevated above you in a rocket chair! In a magnificent rocket chair, so I can look down on all of you and see just how equal we all are!

Chester A. Bum:
Long live Kickassia! [cannon shell explodes at his feet] Okay, I'm goin'. [turns around and runs away]

MarzGurl:
DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

8-Bit Mickey:
Oh God, no! I'm deathly afraid of you!

Beary:
Listen, do you think you have it rough. I had a time bomb strapped to my body and got blown into two different pieces. There is not enough stitches in the world that would help me recover from the emotional pain I am going through. [slams phone down] Prick.

Rollo T:
But Marz Gurl is a woman too.

Nostalgia Chick:
[chuckles] Sure she is, and I'm the tooth fairy.

Nostalgia Critic:
A gentleman never tells. But I can give you a hint. It involves... killing.

Film Brain:
Well, I kinda got carried away with the second half, but the first half was completely true!

Cinema Snob:
God, shoot me. [Film Brain moves the gun] NO!

Dr. Insano:
I am altering the deal, pray I don't alter it further. Oh wait, here's another alteration. You didn't pray hard enough!

Linkara:
This is ridiculous! There is no strategy here! Plus, he's my archnemesis! It's... annoying!

Benzaie:
No, they're right. We've got to fight madness with madness. And he's the craziest we got. [to Insano] Are you ready?

Dr. Insano:
[Evil laugh] I was BORN ready! [Linkara facepalms]

Nostalgia Critic:
So, you like being 3D?

Lee:
Oh, yes. I do.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, tell me how these feel. [knees Lee in the groin]

Nostalgia Critic:
Do you dare leave now in your moment of victory?

Film Brain:
[spacey, adoring grin] I would never leave you, Critic!

Nostalgia Critic:
[mildly creeped out] I know that Film Brain. [Awkwardly pushes him away]

Nostalgia Critic:
It's okay, I booked everybody a hotel room. [Cut to a shot of everyone crammed inside a hotel room]

Phelous:
Well gee, I didn't see that one coming.

Nostalgia Critic:
Pain is just God's way of telling you to try harder!

8-Bit Mickey:
Are you saying you want vengeance for Santa Christ?

Film Brain:
I want his freakin' HEAD!

Angry Joe:
How about we gut them open and wear their organs as hairnets?

Dr. Insano:
Help me, Santa! Help me, Jesus Christ! Help me... Santa Christ!

Nostalgia Critic:
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I get a feeling that none of you are gonna have a hard time remembering this

[last lines]

Narrator:
Did they not learn that it was theirs to suffer the slings and arrows of of outrageous fortune? Did they not discover that Diamonds Are Forever but Tomorrow Never Dies? Did they not recall the old Klingon proverb, that revenge is a dish Best Served Cold? Did they not learn as conquerers once before that all is fair in love and war? [Nostalgia Critic draw his gun and shoots the narrator] Ow...

Nostalgia Critic:
No.

Nostalgia Critic:
[to Nostalgia Chick] You're the only one that can keep the Nostalgia name alive... mostly because it's in your name.

Nostalgia Critic:
Certainly you've heard of it? It levitates bullet trains from Tokyo to Osaka. It will levitate my rocket chair... once it finally arrives. And it also levitates... ME.

Phelous:
Hey guys, uh, I got a idea. This might seem like a shot in the dark, but what if we'd just used weapons?

Nostalgia Critic:
Nah, nah, it's a terrible idea. [beat] Wait! I have an idea!

Phelous:
Gee, does it involve using weapons?

Nostalgia Critic:
It involves using weapons!

Benzaie:
If not the team, then do it for us! The team!

Angry Joe:
It's no use! The bullets are just going right through the hooooollleeess!

Nostalgia Critic:
My friends, this is indeed a great day. We have given birth to a new nation!

Everyone:
Yay!

Nostalgia Critic:
And there will be government. Rules. And a new democracy to live by!

Linkara:
Why a democracy?

Nostalgia Critic:
Because I say so. And I will be your president!

Everyone:
Yay!

Nostalgia Critic:
Nostalgia Chick will be vice president!

Everyone:
Yay!

Nostalgia Critic:
And the rest we'll figure out at another time!

Film Brain:
Another time!

Nostalgia Critic:
And as my first order as your president. I shall build a table. A round table so that everyone can look at each other in the eye.

Nostalgia Chick:
Hmm. That's a good idea. It's like everyone's equal.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes! And I shall be elevated above you in a rocket chair! A magnificent rocket chair so I can look down on all of you and see just how equal we all are!

Everyone:
[unenthusiastically] Yay.

Nostalgia Critic:
Make yourselves comfortable, everybody, for we have given birth to the greatest nation ever known! We have given birth TO KICKASSIA!

Phelous:
Well, *that* didn't work.

Bennett the Sage:
Didn't you have any other strategy outside of going, "Aaaaaaahhhhh!"

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, I didn't think that far ahead.

Cinema Snob:
No, you just thought up to where everyone was in charge, and *you* were ruling the f***ing world.

Nostalgia Critic:
Yes.

Paw:
You can't just do that, Critic. You have to plan these things out. You have to have a strategy for God's sake!

Nostalgia Critic:
Yeah, but that takes hard work. Hard work that we do not have!

Nostalgia Critic:
People. What may start as just a small acre of land, will blossom into something larger than any of us can possibly imagine!

Linkara:
[sarcastically] Yeah, like *two* acres of land!

Nostalgia Critic:
You know, there's another group of people that thought like you, Linkara. There were called Nazis! They were close-minded, hate filled people who just wanted everything their way! Are you a Nazi, Linkara?

Linkara:
No.

Nostalgia Critic:
Are you a Nazi, Linkara?

Linkara:
No!

Nostalgia Critic:
Cause I don't want any Nazis around here!

Linkara:
No! I'm not a Nazi! [Everyone stares at him accusingly] I'm not! I'm not! I'm not a Nazi!

Nostalgia Critic:
Good. Now let me tell you about a group of people that didn't give up. They were called Nazis! They had a crazy plan, too. Everybody thought they were nuts. But you know what? They got pretty far, didn't they? Cause they were dedicated.

Everyone:
Yeah!

Nostalgia Critic:
And strong!

Everyone:
Yeah!

Nostalgia Critic:
A lot of people said they were crazy!

Everyone:
Ehhhhh.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, everybody says that we're crazy, so that gives us a better advantage, doesn't it?

Everyone:
YEAH!

Nostalgia Critic:
First we take Molossia, and then... the neighbors down the street. And then their neighbors, and then their neighbors, and then their neighbors! Until we build a military force so gigantic that *nobody* would be able to stop us! And then we go global! First we start with Texas. Then Canada. Then France! And then whatever other nation stands in our way! And then...

JewWario:
Pudding?

Nostalgia Critic:
The world!

[the Reviewers are marching on Molossia. Kevin Baugh comes outside to confront them]

8-Bit Mickey:
He seems much smaller in person.

Handsome Tom:
That's because you're far away from him, jackass.

Dr. Insano:
Sorry, Critic. But your reign of terror is at an end. Now, a *new* reign of terror begins! *My* reign of terror!

[he laughs maniacally]

Nostalgia Critic:
Alright, you beaker-sucking bozo. You want a piece of me? Well, you've got it.

Dr. Insano:
Your superconductor electromagnetism is nothing compared to *science*!

Nostalgia Critic:
But it *is* science!

Dr. Insano:
Well, I'm sciencier!

Paw:
That's a game of Risk.

Linkara Patton:
Yes, and it's also gonna serve as our battle plan. Now then, just assume that Northern Europe here is the Government House, and Greenland is the Back Yard. Angry Joe and I will be stationed here! [points at the United Kingdom] Handsome Tom and 8 Bit Mickey will travel in through the back, then Monty will come in through Messina

Bennett the Sage:
Wait, wait! You can't travel that way, the countries have to be connected!

Linkara Patton:
No they don't.

Bennett the Sage:
Yes they do! See? See those dotted lines? They connect!

Linkara Patton:
They do?

Bennett the Sage:
Well, I thought so.

Paw:
I thought you needed dice for this.

Linkara Patton:
Do you?

JewWario:
How *do* you play this game anyway?

Board James:
Well guys... [He picks up box of Risk] Glad you asked. You got your deck of 56 risk cards, 3 red dice, 2 white dice, 6 sets of colored armies, and, of course, your game board because every board game has a game BOARD! The first step is to claim all the territories. Each player rolls 1 die. Whoever rolls the highest number gets to place one of their armies on the territory of your choice. After all territories are claimed, game play begins. At the beginning of every turn, count the number of territories you already own, then divide the number by 3. Then add that number of armies. You can also get armies by trading in certain combination of cards. You get the cards from capturing a territory. The attacker rolls the red dice based off the number of armies on the territory which is attacking. The winner is the first greedy bastard to take over the whole world. And that's... all there is to it

Linkara Patton:
Hey, that's good to know! Thanks, Board James!

Board James:
Well, thank *you* for the, uh... obligatory cameo.

Linkara Patton:
What are we doing playing a game? We're planning a strategy!

JewWario:
But this game is so much more fun, though!

Linkara Patton:
We're planning a TAKEOVER!

JewWario:
Alright, already!