Lewis Black: Taxed Beyond Belief

[on tax forms]

Professor Black:
You know what would help the instructions more? Verbs!

Professor Black:
"Take the amount in block 32A," the form says, "and move it to block 37R." And I say "Screw you! If it's so important then you move it! Are you listening, Numb Nuts? Isn't that what you get paid to do?

Professor Black:
A friend of mine recommended an income tax consultant named Ed Gerstein. Apparently he's been doing this stuff for 20 years. Imagine. I hope I get there before he jumps.

Professor Black:
As if the 10-40 form wasn't enough, there are other forms to fill out. Written in a language that has no nouns! Now because I'm self-employed, that's what they call this, 'self-employed' as opposed to 'needs psychiatric care,' I have to fill out another form. IBQ-30-kiss-my-dick!

Professor Black:
Now for the past fifteen years I've attempted to fill out this form, and there's one question and every time I read that question, I drift away. The question is 'What is your non-farm income?' What is my non-farm income? That implies I own a farm! I wonder when that happened. I know I used to do a lot of drugs but I think I'd remember the purchase of farmland! But I'd have to do a lot of drugs to buy a farm because God knows I'm not a man of the soil. It's just by the grace of God I can wipe myself!

Professor Black:
So who do we have to blame for the madness that we call our income taxes? The government, that's who! They came up with this - 6,000 pages of rules and regulations that make our country's tax code. Who do they expect to read this crap? Let me tell you something, if I want to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read 'War and Peace' four times!

Professor Black:
I took Economics. But it was taught at eight o'clock in the morning. And you can't learn anything out of one bloodshot eye.

[on refunds]

Professor Black:
All $300 does is remind people how screwed they are! $300 would've been a nice check to give somebody in 1952 when you could buy something with it!

Professor Black:
Rich people are constantly whining about how much they have to pay in taxes. And whenever I hear one of them b*tch that they're paying too much, I like to turn and say to them 'Hey! Go f*** yourself!'

Professor Black:
There were these guys in Indiana and Nebraska and they argued that Indiana and Nebraska weren't states. Which was a pretty valid argument in the late 1700s. But in 1995 and 96, well I saw a map at that time, trust me, Nebraska and Indiana are sh*t-holes, but they're states.

Professor Black:
If taxes are so important, and taxes are math, how come nobody in the history of this country has taught taxes in a math class? No! Instead they teach you stuff like Geometry which is no help at all. I still can't play pool!

Professor Black:
Just do what I do. Pour yourself a stiff drink. Get into a tub and touch yourself in all of your dirty little places. At least for once it won't be the government screwing with you.

John McCain:
Avoid your taxes, at all costs.