The Cable Guy

Chip Douglas:
I learned the facts of life by watching The Facts of Life.

Chip Douglas:
You know, the problem with real life is there's no danger music. [begins humming]

Chip Douglas:
I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

Chip Douglas:
Time to take a ride on the information superhighway.

Chip Douglas:
Yeah, I was taking a shower and I heard the phone ring. Has that ever happened to you? Call me back later, we'll talk about it.

Chip Douglas:
You can watch the Louvre on one channel or watch female mud-wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home or play Mortal Kombat with a friend in Vietnam.

Chip Douglas:
He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.

Cop:
Play us a song!

Chip:
Oh, no! I couldn't... all right, already. I fought the law, and the law won. You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called Gimme Shelter, about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

Steven:
Can I get a knife?

Melinda:
There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils at Medieval Times. Now, would you like a refill on that Pepsi?

Steven:
There were no utensils, but there was Pepsi?

Melinda:
Dude, I've got a lot of tables.

Chip:
Doth thou have a mug of ale for me and me mate? He has been pitched in battle for a fortnight, and has a king's thirst for the frosty brew that doth might brow for doth!

He Can Be Your Best Friend Or Your Worst Enemy.

For Steven Kovacs, The Price Of Cable...Just Went Up.

There's No Such Thing as Free Cable.

Once You're Hooked...You're His.

Chip Douglas:
Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?

Chip Douglas:
(during Steven's nightmare)I just wanna hang out! NO BIG DEEEEEAAAALLL!!!