My Last Five Girlfriends

[first lines]

Duncan:
[writing] Dear Wendy, Olive, Rhona, Natalie and Gemma. I hope you're happy. If that sounds sarcastic, it was meant to. What you've collectively done to me... [gets a new pen]

Duncan:
What you've collectively done to me... [gets another pen]

Duncan:
What you've collectively done to me is quite an achievement. Four years ago, I was happy to believe in a very simple concept. You might have heard of it, it's called LOVE. But thanks to the five of you, I now know that love is a lie, a myth specifically concocted to bring me as much pain and misery as possible. Wendy: were you ever really that interested in me, or was I merely a holiday while you and him went through a dull patch? Olive: almost everything I told you was a lie. Sorry about that. Rhona: who'd you think I was? If I was that wrong for you, then you really should have paid more attention at the start. Natalie: okay, so I know I've had enough of this one, but did you really want ME, or just someone? And Gemma: what should I say to you? I suppose I should forgive you. This is a suicide note, after all. Okay, I forgive you. But I don't want that to make you feel any better... I'm sure you'll all find someone. You might even think you're in love, but don't kid yourselves: we're all just playing out scenes we've seen in films, the only difference is that our stories have depressing endings. When real people walk towards a sunset, no music swells, no credits roll - they just get to the end of the beach, have a row, and walk back to the car. And that's depressing! In fact after reading this, you might feel your only option is to join me! And that's the one thing I wouldn't blame you for. Bye then: Duncan.

Duncan:
[about his fading relationship with Wendy] Maybe I was too clingy... or too laid back... or maybe I never really stood any bloody chance in the first place!

Duncan:
[about Olive] Did she like any of the place we'd been together? Did she like ME? I had no idea what she wanted!

Duncan:
As my next girlfriend's influence spread across my flat, one thing was clear: Rhona and I were very different. And to begin with, I rather liked the exotic additions she made to my life. But at some point, we would have to deal with the fact that our tastes were not the same.

[Making out with Natalie, Duncan sees her toy elephant Guppy staring at her]

Duncan:
WHAT?

Guppy:
[talking] What's wrong?

Duncan:
Well, what d'you mean?

Guppy:
Ah, you're not into it. What's up?

Duncan:
I can't help thinking...

Guppy:
Don't THINK, just get on with it!

Duncan:
I'm trying to, but all sorts of stuff's spinning around my head!

Guppy:
Look, mate, take my advice: you just got to switch THIS off!

[points at his head]

Guppy:
D'you think I would be able to do this if I thought about it? Huh? Do you, huh?

[walks on air, then thinks about what he just did and falls with a holler]

Duncan:
I know, but it's all a bit...

Guppy:
[climbing on the bed] A bit quick, yeah! Yeah, a little bit too easy?

Duncan:
I suppose.

Guppy:
Then this was so easy for you, and EVERY OTHER...

Duncan:
I don't want to think about THAT, but I can't help it!

Guppy:
Well then, you've got to stop!

Duncan:
What?

Guppy:
Yeah, yeah, just stop immediately! Tell her that you respect her far too much to continue having sex with her!

Duncan:
Really?

Guppy:
COURSE NOT, YOU MUPPET! Just enjoy it!

Duncan:
Okay. Thanks, Guppy.

Guppy:
Don't mention it.

[Duncan takes Gemma to Paris]

Duncan:
I had planned the perfect weekend: a first-class trip to Paris; our own chauffeur on standby for three days; an executive suite in a five-star hotel with comforts and amenities you couldn't possibly imagine, it even had a balcony with stunning views across the city. I pulled every string I could to get a window seat at a three-star Michelin restaurant. I somehow managed to get two tickets to her favourite opera. I even bought a twilight trip down the Seine with music, champagne, the works!... And you know what? The minute we arrived I knew it was going to be a f***ing disaster.

[Gemma grieves for Duncan after hearing he committed suicide]

Duncan:
All right, so it didn't end like that... [the film rewinds]

Duncan:
I'd actually only taken twenty amphetamine Vitamin C tablets, which was lucky because it suddenly dawned upon me how unsatisfying suicide is. All I wanted to do was make a point, but why make such a scene if you're not around to witness the result? If you don't get to see the reactions of those you try to affect, commit suicide and you're too dead to get pleasure from it!

Duncan:
I threw myself into work. How refreshing to think about just ME for once, about what I wanted. No longer did I have to worry about whether she'd like this film, or what time she wanted to be wherever in the morning. In fact, who needed this love thing anyway? Hadn't it just brought me anguish and pain? After all, I'm not the first one to try and make sense of love. There's been centuries of analysts, preachers, gurus and writers who've tried, and did they find a solution, an answer to the mystery of most peoples' emotional lives?

[last lines]

Duncan:
So one day I decided, I wasn't going to play this game anymore. I didn't understand the rules, and the injuries were just too painful. [while watching TV with his new stereo system, Duncan is interrupted by his downstairs neighbor]

Duncan:
And then I met Angela.