Number One with a Bullet

Det. Barzak:
[Chasing a gunman through the streets] Freeze! Police! FREEZE! I don't know why I tell 'em to freeze - they never freeze. [Gunman gets hit by cab; goes thru windshield]

Det. Hazeltine:
He shoulda froze.

Det. Barzak:
Well, it's not like we didn't tell him, man.

Bobby Sweet:
[the 2 cops are leading him to an abandoned construction site] Hey, what is this, man?

Det. Barzak:
Riding around with you all night kinda stunk up our car, pal.

Det. Hazeltine:
We need a little fresh air. Someplace quiet.

Det. Barzak:
Yeah, someplace you can scream.

Bobby Sweet:
Oh, that's funny!

Det. Barzak:
[All 3 are climbing the stairs of an empty building under construction] Some people told us you like to talk when you get high. Are we high enough yet, Bobby?

Bobby Sweet:
I don't know. I swear, I don't know.

Det. Hazeltine:
Ah, he'll never make a good lawyer, Nick. He can't lie for sh*t. Come on - MOVE IT! You can go back down. All you have to do is tell us who killed Charles Boudreaux.

Det. Barzak:
All that sh*t you been mainlining f***ed up your leg muscles, didn't it? COME ON! [They reach the highest accessible floor & approach the edge] Aw, man, Bobby. You can see EVERYTHING from up here, man. You can even see the ground from up here. Check this out: come here, man. [Shoves Bobby towards the edge of the floor]

Bobby Sweet:
Wait... Wait... Don't push. Okay! OKAY, OKAY!

Det. Barzak:
Whaddaya think of that sh*t, huh?

Bobby Sweet:
[Looking down through the open structure] Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! Oh, God!

Det. Barzak:
I wouldn't have figured you to be the religious type, Bobby.

Det. Hazeltine:
It must be because we're so close to God up here.

Det. Barzak:
What the f*** is that sh*t?

Det. Hazeltine:
Yogurt, yeast paste, lecithin; all the things you ought to be eating. Want some?

Det. Barzak:
No way, man. I'm on a low-mucous diet - you know that.

Det. Hazeltine:
Yeah.

Det. Barzak:
I been thinking, Frank.

Det. Hazeltine:
It's DeCosta again, isnt' it?

Det. Barzak:
No, Frank. It's not about DeCosta again. I think we ought to go after the guys that hit Boudreaux. I figure they're local.

Det. Hazeltine:
Yeah, how do you figure that?

Det. Barzak:
'Cause they're workin' for DeCosta.

Det. Hazeltine:
There's that name again...

Det. Barzak:
Look, Frank: they made us look REAL bad. The entire squad thinks we're screw-ups.

Det. Hazeltine:
So now, you wanna screw up real big and remove all doubt. Right?

Det. Barzak:
No, I don't wanna do that. I'm just an agile guy, Frank. I can get my foot it my mouth; I can even work with my nose to the grindstone. But my ass doesn't fit under a desk - neither does yours.

Det. Hazeltine:
No! No! No!

Casey:
[Three loud knocks are heard on an apartment door. The apartment walls are stacked with electronics boxes] Who is it?

Det. Barzak:
[Muffled voice heard through locked door] What's happening, man? Some brothers downtown said you got VCRs for sale.

Casey:
Get outta here, man! You got the wrong house! I'm a lawyer!

Det. Barzak:
I got cash, motherf***er! I need twenty of 'em!

Casey:
Whoooooo! [Casey begins to unlock the door, realizes who it is, tries to re-lock it, and Nick breaks it down] Hey. I was just on the toilet thinking 'bout yall, man. Ain't life a b*tch?

Det. Barzak:
[singing Gimme Some Lovin by the Spencer Davis Group, badly, while playing a guitar in the zoo] We're so glad you made it - we're so glad you made it. Gimme some lovin'; GIMME SOME A-LOVIN'! [an elephant trumpets]

Casey:
You could make animals sick with that sh*t. You should cool out. [Climbs onto a bike to leave]

Det. Hazeltine:
Hey, how about that, man. You got any more room on that bicycle?

Det. Barzak:
Hey, hey, hey! I been working on this a LONG time, man.

Coroner:
[Coroner is leading a group of cops through the morgue to a drawer] Visitors, Mendez. Rise & shine!

Det. Hazeltine:
[Obviously nauseated] I hate morgues.

Lt. Kaminski:
Yeah, that's him. Joseph Mendez, professional hit-man, worked free-lance.

Det. Barzak:
Didn't like women or kids, either. This guy was a bad-ass.

Coroner:
Really, because, I mean; he hasn't given me a bit of trouble. [Slaps the corpse gently on the cheek as if to antagonize him]

Det. Hazeltine:
Yeah, well... I guess we'd better be going.

Coroner:
[Noticing Frank's nausea] Really, I was in the middle of ordering lunch before you guys came up here, uuh... [Grabs up a phone & pretends to be ordering] Hi, yeah, uuh... Make it a pastrami & a small Sprite. You sure I can't interest you guys in anything?

Det. Barzak:
No, thanks anyway, man.

Capt. Ferris:
Goddammit.

Det. Barzak:
Old MacDonald had a shotgun.

Lt. Kaminski:
Shut up.

Det. Barzak:
[Nick has talked his way into his old house, where his ex-wife still lives] Where's my walleye?

Teresa Barzak:
What?

Det. Barzak:
[Pointing to an empty shelf] My walleye?

Teresa Barzak:
I... threw it back.

Det. Barzak:
You threw out my walleye? That was the biggest walleye caught in Bay Lake, Minnesota. That was a record!

Teresa Barzak:
Then why didn't you take it to YOUR place.

Det. Barzak:
'Cause I'm not settled in yet.

Teresa Barzak:
Oh, geez, Nick. It's only been TWO YEARS!

Det. Barzak:
Yeah, well: I'm slow to adjust to psychological upheaval.

Det. Barzak:
[Malcolm is walking through a cemetery stealing flowers, then places them in front of an urn & begins to pray as he opens the urn] Ashes to ashes; dust to dust, huh man?

Malcolm:
Aww, man... You guys ain't got no respect for the dead.

Det. Hazeltine:
All right, come on out of there, Malcolm.

Det. Barzak:
[Nick begins pulling bags of white powder from the urn, and tasting them] What do we got here? A little blow? A LOTTA blow. Hey, this is that black tar, isn't it?

Malcolm:
Yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about getting into the roofing business.

Det. Barzak:
[Nick opens a larger bag of yellowish powder & tastes it] What's this? This sh*t - what is it?

Malcolm:
Actually, that's my mother.

Det. Barzak:
[Spits the ashes back into the bag]

Det. Barzak:
You know, I cannot figure out why it is every time I talk to that woman I say the wrong thing. Why is that?

Det. Hazeltine:
You always shoot your mouth off before your brain is loaded. That's why.

Det. Hazeltine:
So DeCosta represents your father, and you scarf all of this junk food to fulfill an oral longing for your mother's breasts, which incidentally are 70% fat.

Det. Barzak:
Oh, that's great, Frank. First, you ruin food for me; now you gotta ruin tits.

Det. Barzak:
[Nick & Frank have hung Bobby upside-down from a tall building to scare him into telling them who killed a witness] See, it increase blood flow to the brain, Bobby. How's your memory?

Bobby Sweet:
Oh, God, I'm gonna throw up.

Det. Hazeltine:
Technically, you'll be throwing DOWN, Bobby.

Bobby Sweet:
Oh, God, please. Oh, God.

Det. Barzak:
God's got an alibi, chief. Try somebody else.

Boudreau:
I killed a LOTTA guys with a shotgun. I always wondered what it felt like... It SUCKS! [Dies]

Lt. Kaminski:
Are you guys getting close to something?

Det. Hazeltine:
Yeah: DEATH.

Mrs. Barzak:
Now, I get to see that sweet face! I'm gonna give you a 'niner'.

Mrs. Barzak:
[She kisses him on the cheek nine times in quick succession] Ooh, that was fun.

Det. Barzak:
Yeah. [Wipes face] Frank sends his love.

Mrs. Barzak:
He's a sweetheart. I bet he saves your life.

Det. Barzak:
Not that often.

Det. Hazeltine:
You are a very sick man. You know that?

Det. Barzak:
Yea-a-a-h!

Priest:
[to 2 men in drag] Ladies, PLEASE! This is a house of God!

Det. Hazeltine:
[looking at stacks of identical VCR boxes] All this yours, brother?

Casey:
Uh, yeah brother. Well, see; I'm 'bout to get married. You know how everybody gives you the same present?

Det. Hazeltine:
Oh, ye- yeah!

Det. Barzak:
Oh, yeah - that's right. That's right. What - you get this $8,000 Rolex for, uh, Christmas, right?

Casey:
Yeah, I got that from my lady.

Det. Barzak:
[removes Casey's watch, examines the back, & shows it to him] So: how come it's engraved "With Love, to Dr. Ira Kettlebaum"? Check it out.

Casey:
[thinking briefly] That's what the b*tch calls me, man. Yeah.

Det. Barzak:
Oh, it's like a pet name, right? Yeah. [imitating a woman's shrill voice] "Stick it to me Doctor Kettlebaum!" Oooh-oooh! She's a real squealer & sh*t?

Casey:
Yeah, she's a freak.

Det. Barzak:
Squealer, right? Yeah.

Det. Barzak:
You're new around here. What's your name?

Malcolm:
Malcolm.

Det. Barzak:
Malcolm?

Malcolm:
Yeah. What are you - welcome wagon?

Det. Barzak:
Yeah. I've seen you oozing around the street. What is your scam?

Malcolm:
Who me? Uh, I sell Amway products. Ha ha...

Det. Barzak:
Yeah, ha ha. I catch you dealing any soap flakes in this neighborhood, I will cripple you.

Malcolm:
I ain't afraid of no jive-ass cop, man. I KNOW my rights. [turns to leave]

Det. Barzak:
[puts him in a painful wrist lock] Malcolm: I am NOT your normal jive-ass cop, all right? And around here, you GOT no rights!

Malcolm:
Oww! You must be 'Berzerk'!

Det. Barzak:
You don't know the half of it, baby. [throws him into a garbage pile]

Malcolm:
[grunting in pain & cluthching his wrist] Aah...

Det. Barzak:
Hey! Malcolm: have a nice day.

Repeated Lines:
[Repeated Lines] Hi, Speed. How they hangin'?

Det. Hazeltine:
[approaching a seedy mud-wrestling bar] I gotta be honest with ya, Nick. I got an aversion to MUD!

Det. Barzak:
That's probly because it resembles that health-food crap you been scarfin'. Didn't ya ever make mud pies when you were a kid?

Det. Hazeltine:
[entering the bar & pausing in the doorway to take in the atmosphere] Nice ambiance. Of course, once the yuppies discover this place, it's gonna be SWAMPED!

Det. Barzak:
[noticing 2 bikini-clad women wrestling in a mud pit] Wouldn't you like to get in there with 'em?

Det. Hazeltine:
You've got no respect for the human body.

Det. Barzak:
Sure I do!

Malcolm:
[Attempting to intimidate Det. Barzak into stopping an interrogation and letting him go] On the homicide hit-parade, YOU are number one WID' A BULLET, Jack!