Inglourious Basterds

Lt. Aldo Raine:
Ten-hut! My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm puttin' together a special team; and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might've of heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doing one thing and one thing only … killing Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a f***in' air-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac, and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every sumbitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die. Now, I am the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger, and that means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us, and the Germans won't be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the Germans will be sickened by us, and the Germans will talk about us, and the Germans will fear us. And when the Germans close their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil that they've done, it will be with thoughts of us that they are tortured with. Sound good? [Soldiers yell, "Yes, sir!"] That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be-warriors: when you join my command, you take on debt, a debt you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps! And all y'all will get me one hundred Nazi scalps taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis, or you will die tryin'!

Lt. Aldo Raine:
You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin'.

Lt. Aldo Raine:
I'm gonna give you a little somethin' you can't take off.

Lt. Aldo Raine:
You know somethin', Utivich? I think this just might be my masterpiece.

Col. Hans Landa:
Tell me, Aldo- if I were sitting where you're sitting, would you show me mercy?

Col. Hans Landa:
Au revoir, Shoshanna!

Sgt. Donny Donowitz:
Teddy f***in' Williams knocks it out of the park! Fenway Park on its feet for Teddy f***in' Ballgame! He went yardo on that one, out to f***in' Lansdowne Street!

Shosanna Dreyfus:
My name is Shosanna Dreyfus and THIS is the face... of Jewish vengeance!

General Ed Fenech:
We have all our rotten eggs in one basket. The objective of the operation: blow up the basket.

Col. Hans Landa:
Now, according to these papers, all the Jewish families in this area have been accounted for, except the Dreyfuses. Somewhere in the last year it would appear they've vanished, which leads me to the conclusion that they've either made good their escape, or someone is very successfully hiding them. What have you heard about the Dreyfuses, Monsieur LaPadite?

Perrier LaPadite:
[filling his pipe] Only rumors.

Landa:
I love rumors! Facts can be so misleading, but rumors, true or false, are often revealing.

Col. Hans Landa:
The feature that makes me such an effective hunter of the Jews is, as opposed to most German soldiers, I can think like a Jew, where they can only think like a German … more precisely, German soldier. Now, if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. The Führer and Goebbels's propaganda have said pretty much the same thing, but where our conclusions differ is I don't consider the comparison an insult. Consider, for a moment, the world a rat lives in. It's a hostile world, indeed. If a rat were to scamper through your front door right now, would you greet it with hostility?

Perrier LaPadite:
I suppose I would.

Landa:
Has a rat ever done anything to you to create this animosity you feel towards them?

LaPadite:
Rats spread diseases. They bite people.

Landa:
Rats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that's some time ago. I propose to you, any disease a rat could spread, a squirrel could equally carry. Would you agree?

LaPadite:
Oui.

Landa:
Yet I assume you don't share the same animosity with squirrels that you do with rats, do you?

LaPadite:
No.

Landa:
But they're both rodents, are they not? And except for the tail, they even rather look alike, don't they?

LaPadite:
It's an interesting thought, Herr Colonel.

Landa:
Ha! However interesting as the thought may be, it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel. If a rat were to walk in here right now, as I'm talking, would you greet it with a saucer of your delicious milk?

LaPadite:
Probably not.

'Landa:
I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them; all you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere he would hide. But there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führers brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.

Col. Hans Landa:
Now, my job dictates that I must have my men enter your home and conduct a thorough search before I can officially cross your family's name off my list, and if there are any irregularities to be found, rest assured they will be. That is unless you have something to tell me that makes the conducting of a search unnecessary. [A sudden pause with both of the men staring at one another] I might add, also, that any information that makes the execution of my duties easier will not be met with punishment. Quite the contrary, actually, it will be met with reward. And that reward will be your family will cease to be harassed in any way by the German military for the duration of our occupation of your country. [stares hard at LaPadite] You are sheltering enemies of the state, are you not?

Perrier LaPadite:
[softly and slowly] Yes.

Landa:
You're sheltering them underneath your floorboards, aren't you?

LaPadite:
[tears forming in his eyes] Yes.

Landa:
Point out to me the areas where they are hiding. [LaPadite points with his pipe shakingly; Landa walks over and stands on top of that area, gesturing with his own pipe for confirmation; silence] Since I haven't heard any disturbance, I assume that while they're listening, they don't speak English.

LaPadite:
Yes.

Landa:
I'm going to switch back to French now. I want you to follow my masquerade. Is that clear?

LaPadite:
Yes.

Landa:
[in French] Monsieur LaPadite, I thank you for the milk and your hospitality. I do believe our business here is done. [gathers up his belongings, walks over and opens the door] Ah, ladies. I thank you for your time. [booted SS soldiers walk inside with MP-40s; Landa gestures them over to the spot on the floor, where they take up positions] We shan't be bothering your family any longer. So, Monsieur, Mademoiselle, I bid farewell to you and say: adieu! [The soldiers aim down and shoot up the floorboards going back and forth]

Landa:
[holds finger to lips] Shh.

Landa:
The girl [he points at Shoshanna running from the basement to the open plains]

Shoshanna:
[Crying and screaming as she runs]

Landa:
[makes a serious face that turns into an evil smirk] [He points his hand gun]

[click, the gun doesn't fire]

Landa:
Ah, au revoir Shoshanna!

[Hellstrom is trying to guess the famous person written on the card on his forehead, who is King Kong]

Major Dieter Hellstrom:
Now, gentlemen, around this time you could ask whether you're real or fictitious. I, however, think that's too easy, so I won't ask that yet. Okay, my native land is the jungle. I visited America, but the visit was not fortuitous to me, but the implication is that it was to somebody else. When I went from the jungle to America, did I go by boat?

Bridget von Hammersmark:
Yes.

Hellstrom:
Did I go against my will?

Von Hammersmark:
Yes.

Hellstrom:
On this boat ride, was I in chains?

Von Hammersmark:
Yes.

Hellstrom:
When I arrived in America, was I displayed in chains?

Von Hammersmark:
Yes!

Hellstrom:
Am I the story of the negro in America?

Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki:
No.

Hellstrom:
Well, then, I must be King Kong.

[Aldo is faking Italian with a Southern accent]

Lt. Aldo Raine:
Buongiorno.

Col. Hans Landa:
[in flawless Italian] Gentlemen, it's a pleasure; the friends of our cherished star, admired by all of us - this outright jewel of our culture - are naturally going to be under my personal protection for the duration of their stay.

Raine:
Grazie.

Landa:
[in Italian] Please, am I pronouncing it correctly?

Raine:
Sì - er, corretto.

Col. Hans Landa:
As of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in the very seats we left them in - 0023 and 0024, if my memory serves - explosives still around their ankle, still ready to explode, and your mission, some would call it terrorist plot, as of this moment is still a go.

Lt. Aldo Raine:
That's a pretty exciting story. What's next, Lies on Ice?

Landa:
However, all I have to do is pick up this phone right there, inform the cinema, and your plan's kaputt.

Raine:
If they're still there, and if they're still alive - and that's one big if - there ain't no way you gonna take them boys without setting off them bombs.

Landa:
I have no doubt. Yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night. But you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Göring, and you won't get Bormann. And you need all four to end the war. But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four. And if you get all four, you end the war … tonight. [lifts up the Chianti and fills their glasses] So, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight.

Colonel Hans Landa:
Gentlemen, I have no intention of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Göring and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal. If you want to win the war, tonight, We have to make a deal.

Lieutenant Aldo Raine:
What kinda deal?

Landa:
The kind you wouldn't have the authority to make. However, I'm sure this mission of yours, has a commanding officer? A General, I'm betting. For..... [thinking] ....O.S.S. would be my guess.

[Aldo's eyebrows reveal that was a good guess.]

Landa:
Oooh, that's a bingo. Is that the way you say it, "That's a bingo?"

Raine:
You just say, bingo.

Landa:
Bingo! How fun.

Lt. Aldo Raine:
You know, where I'm from …

Col. Hans Landa:
[interrupting] Yeah, where is that, exactly?

Raine:
Maynardville, Tennessee. I done my share of bootleggin'. Up there, if you engage in what the federal government calls illegal activity, but what we call a man just trying to earn a living for his family selling moonshine liquor, it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short, we hear a story too good to be true - it ain't.

Col. Hans Landa:
Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing. And nine nine nine point nine nine nine times out of a million you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, fate reaches out and extends its hand. [Long pause; shrugs] What shall the history books read?

Col. Hans Landa:
Hermann, uncuff them. [Hermann uncuffs Raine and Utivich, Landa hands his Walther and SS dagger to Raine] I'm officially surrendering myself over to you, Lieutenant Raine. We're your prisoners.

Lt. Aldo Raine:
How 'bout my knife? [Landa chuckles, then gives Raine his Bowie knife] Thank you very much, Colonel. Utivich, cuff the Colonel's hands behind his back.

Landa:
Oh, is that really necessary?

Raine:
I'm a slave to appearances. [Raine shoots Hermann with Landa's Walther] [to Utivich, handing him the SS dagger] Scalp Hermann.

Landa:
Are you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your general for that man's life!

Raine:
Yeah, they made that deal. But they don't give a f*** about him. They need you.

Landa:
You'll be shot for this!

Raine:
Nah, I don't think so. More like chewed out. I've been chewed out before.

Once upon a time in Nazi occupied France…

You haven't seen war until you've seen it through the eyes of Quentin Tarantino.

If You Need Heroes, Send In The Basterds

AN INGLORIOUS, UPROARIOUS THRILL-RIDE OF VENGEANCE

A basterd's work is never done.

THE NEW FILM BY QUENTIN TARANTINO

Lt. Aldo Raine:
Up the road apiece, there's an orchard. Now, besides you, we know there's another kraut patrol f***ing around there somewhere. Now if that patrol were to have any crackshots, that orchard would be a god-damn sniper's delight. If you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you gotta show me on this here map where they are, you gotta tell me how many there are, and you gotta tell me what kind of artillery they're carrying with them.

Sgt. Werner Rachtman:
You can't expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger.

Lt. Raine:
Well, now Werner, that's where you're wrong, because that's exactly what I expect. I need to know about Germans hiding in them trees, and you need to tell me, and you need to tell me right now. Now, just take that finger of yours and point out on this here map where this party's being held, how many's coming, and what they brought to play with.

Sgt. Rachtman:
I respectfully refuse, sir.

Lt. Raine:
[rapping sound] Hear that?

Sgt. Rachtman:
Yes.

Lt. Raine:
That's Sgt. Donny Donowitz. You might know him better by his nickname: the Bear Jew. Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache, you gotta have heard of the Bear Jew.

Sgt. Rachtman:
I've heard of the Bear Jew.

Lt. Raine:
What did you hear?

Sgt. Rachtman:
He beats German soldiers with a club.

Lt. Raine:
He bashes their brains in with a baseball bat, what he does. Now, Werner, I'm gonna ask you one last god-damn time. If you still respectfully refuse, I'm calling the Bear Jew over. He's gonna take that big bat of his, and he's gonna beat your ass to death with it. Now, take your wiener schnitzel lickin' finger and point out on this map what I want to know.

Sgt. Rachtman:
F*** you, and your Jew dogs! [The Basterds all laugh.]

Lt. Raine:
Actually, Werner, we're all tickled to here you say that. Quite frankly, watching Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to going to the movies. Donny!

Sgt. Donny Donowitz:
[from offscreen] Yeah?

Lt. Raine:
We got a German here who wants to die for his country! Oblige him!

Hellstrom:
[in German] I must say, I grow weary of these monkeyshines. [clicking sound] Did you hear that? That was the sound of my Walther. Pointed right at your testicles.

Lt. Archie Hicox:
Why do you have your Walther pointed at my testicles?

Hellstrom:
Because you've just given yourself away, Captain. You're no more German than that scotch.

Hicox:
Well, Major...

Bridget von Hammersmark:
Major...

Hellstrom:
Shut up, slut! You were saying?

Hicox:
I was saying that that makes two of us. I've had a gun pointed at your balls since you sat down.

Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz:
That makes three of us. And at this range, I'm a real Frederick Zoller.

Hellstrom:
Looks like we have a bit of a sticky situation here.

Hicox:
What's going to happen, Major... you're going to stand up and walk out that door with us.

Hellstrom:
No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. I'm afraid, you and I, we both know, Captain, no matter what happens to anybody else in this room the two of us aren't going anywhere. Too bad about Sergeant Wilhelm and his famous friends. If any of you expect to live, you'll have to shoot them too. Looks like little Max will grow up an orphan. How sad.

Hicox:
[In English] Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's.

Hellstrom:
[In English] By all means, Captain.

Hicox:
There's a special ring in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Seeing as how I may be rapping on the door momentarily... [drinks his scotch] I must say, damn good stuff, Sir. Now, about this pickle we find ourselves in. It would appear there's only one thing left for you to do.

Hellstrom:
And what would that be?

Hicox:
Stiglitz...

Stiglitz:
Say "Auf Wiedersehen" to your Nazi balls!

Lt. Aldo Raine:
Well, you don't gotta be Stonewall Jackson to know you don't wanna fight in a basement.

Col. Hans Landa:
But like any enterprise under new management there is always a slight duplication of efforts, most of them a complete waste of time but needs to be done nevertheless.

Shosanna Dreyfus:
I have a message for Germany. That you are all going to die. And I want you to look deep into the face of the Jew who's going to do it! Marcel, burn it down! My name is Shosanna Dreyfus, and this is the face, of Jewish vengeance!

Don't I look calm?