Just Like Heaven

Elizabeth Masterson:
[during her first appearance as a spirit] Is that a ring? Have you ever heard of a coaster? Or a trash can, for that matter?

Elizabeth Masterson:
Oh, I get it. You were dumped. Probably for some guy who doesn't have a couch fused to his ass.

Elizabeth Masterson:
Opium addicts are more alert than you, David.

Elizabeth Masterson:
[referring to Katrina] I mean, I guess she's sexy if you're into that whole tall, big b*obs, long legs, model-y sort of thing. I guess if you wanna be that guy.

Elizabeth Masterson:
Oh, my God. Maybe I was a slut. A lonely, home-wrecking slut.

Elizabeth Masterson:
[after remembering she's a doctor] I may have been a lonely, home-wrecking whore, but I saved lives!

Elizabeth Masterson:
If you could ever really touch me.... I think I might wake up from all this.

David Abbot:
Okay, I was wasted. But I still shouldn't be seeing some little blonde control freak running around my apartment.

David Abbot:
Go away! You don't exist!

David Abbot:
Look, there are five other units here and not one person even remembers what you look like. Talk about being disconnected.

David Abbot:
You're like an A.M. radio that someone shoved into my head and I can't turn off!

David Abbot:
Uh, I don't think your sister's a very spiritual person.

David Abbot:
I'm just… I just wanted you to have your garden.

Jack Houriskey:
God gave us alcohol as a social lubricant. Make men brave, make women loose.

Jack Houriskey:
Look around you, see this? This is the world, join it! Stop swimming around in your own mind. That is a dangerous neighborhood that you should not go into alone.

Jack Houriskey:
Did your imaginary friend come out to play?

Jack Houriskey:
Oh God, David, the felonies just keep piling up!

Darryl:
UFOlogy. It's not even a real science.

Darryl:
Can't you feel that, man? There's, like, this cancer-causing ray of spirit hate searing right towards your body.

Darryl:
I agree with her, dude. She's not dead.

Darryl:
Do you have a diet anything, I'm like, 99.9 % parched, here. I could really use a cola.

Darryl:
Whoa, major red aura! Somebody's embarrassed.

Darryl:
Righteous. [multiple times]

Katrina:
Kinda like a cat lady, but without any cats. Right?

Katrina:
It's like every time I meet a cute guy - lesbian.

Katrina:
I'd be on the phone and I'd be like, "Hello, Osama? Communism is so over. Like, give your people toilet paper!"

Katrina:
If I had to choose, if I had to choose, wow, I guess I'd have to go out with a midget.

Katrina:
Do you wanna take some kind of medication first? It's cool if you do.

Katrina:
This is so retro...But I've got a window I can't get open...

Abby:
Who put SpongeBob in the pasta?!

Abby:
[while wielding a meat cleaver] I will chop you! I swear, I will chop you!

Dr. Walsh:
Unlike some others, you spend more time being concerned with what's best for the patient than kissing my ass. A risky move, but I like it.

Dry cleaner:
I think of her, I think of...sadness. Loneliness.

Brett:
We sometimes find it's best to just ask God's forgiveness and not prolong the inevitable.

Fran:
It would have been so awful if she'd gone through her whole life not knowing what it was all about.

[Elizabeth treats an elderly hospital patient.]

Elizabeth:
Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable today?

Mr. Clarke:
Marry me?

Elizabeth:
Wow.

Mr. Clarke:
No - I have my own bus pass.

Elizabeth:
Well, then how could I refuse? Let me just call my sister and see if I can borrow her dress, okay? You sit tight. [to nurse Jenny] Keep an eye on my fiancé. And let's decrease his morphine drip.

[Elizabeth's sister has set up a blind date for her.]

Abby:
I'm doing you this huge favor here. Beggars can't be choosers, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth:
Abby, I am completely capable of meeting men on my own.

Abby:
I know, honey. I'd just like you to meet one who's not bleeding.

David:
[on the phone with his realtor Grace] Grace, this is David. The people who rented me this apartment, do you have their number?

Grace:
Why, is something wrong?

David:
No, I was just wondering about the previous tenant, that's all.

Grace:
Well, the woman I was dealing with didn't really want to talk about it. Some family matter.

David:
So you think the tenant died?

Grace:
You'd better hope so, that's the only way to get off this month by month thing and get a real lease.

David:
Well, that's not exactly what I meant.

Grace:
Come on, David, grow up, it's got a view, it's got a fireplace, people would kill their grandmothers for a lot less in this city.

[The clerk at a new age bookstore helps David navigate the spiritualism section.]

David:
Do you believe in this stuff?

Darryl:
Well, you don't...until you do.

Darryl:
So what kind of encounter have you had?

David:
Encounter?

Darryl:
Ectoplasm? Soniferous ether? I have a killer séance book if you're into communication.

David:
Communicating is not her problem.

David:
Are-are-are you here? Come on, I think you're here. [waits] Okay. I've got a hot, moist cup of coffee in my hand, there it is. There is no coaster on this table. I'm going to set it down on this lovely mahogany-

Elizabeth:
[appearing from nowhere] Don't you dare!

David:
Ah! We-we need to talk.

David:
Let me ask you, has anything, uh, dramatic happened to you recently?

Elizabeth:
Like what?

David:
I don't know, like... dying, maybe?

David:
I'm trying to help you face the fact that you are-

Elizabeth:
I'm not dead!

David:
Look around you. There should be a bright light nearby.

Elizabeth:
There's no light.

David:
Walk into the light, Elizabeth!

Elizabeth:
There is no light! I am not dead. I think I would know if I was dead. [looks down and notices a table bisecting her at the waist] What's happening to me?!

David:
You're DEAD!

Elizabeth:
[marches up to him] STOP saying that!

[She tries to slap him but her hand only phases through his face.]

David:
[smirking] Missed.

Elizabeth:
All I know is-is when I'm not with you it's like I don't... exist. Oh, my God. Maybe I am dead.

David:
Oh, come on now. I'm, I'm sorry I said you were dead. Maybe you're not dead. Maybe you're just very...light.

Elizabeth:
Look, you have two realities to choose from. First one being that a woman has come into your life in a very unconventional way, and she happens to need your assistance.

David:
Right.

Elizabeth:
The second one is that you're an insane person, and you're sitting on a park bench right now talking to yourself.

David:
I think I prefer the first one.

Father Flanagan:
(while splashing holy water on the wood floor) The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Elizabeth:
(to David) You're mopping that up.

[After downstairs neighbor Katrina flirts outrageously with David.]

Elizabeth:
You don't think she was completely un-classy and predatory?

David:
Those happen to be two of men's favorite things.

[An invisible Elizabeth coaches David in helping a collapsed restaurant patron.]

Manager:
What's wrong with him?

Elizabeth:
It's a tension pneumothorax.

David:
I think it's a tension nemothaxer.

Elizabeth:
Pneumothorax.

David:
Pneumothaxer.

Elizabeth:
Pneumothorax.

David:
Pneuma... pneumathurman!

Elizabeth:
Never mind.

David:
Never mind!

[The pair has located Elizabeth's comatose body in a hospital.]

David:
Oh, my God, it's you. It's you, it's really you. You're, you're not dead, you're alive.

Elizabeth:
I know, David, but I'm in a coma. This is not good.

David:
Well, it's way better than dead!

[David has just ducked out of a tryst with Katrina.]

Elizabeth:
That was quick.

David:
Come on, nothing happened.

Elizabeth:
What did you say to her?

David:
Um...that I was seeing someone.

Elizabeth:
Honestly?

David:
Well, I didn't mention that, uh, I was the only one who could.

[David's Mobile phone rings]

David:
Oh wow, who would want to call me? [answers it] Hello?

Grace:
David, it's Grace. Well, you are the luckiest man in San Francisco.

David:
Thank you, why do you say that?

Grace:
You know the apartment you are renting, they are now willing to give you a nice long lease.

David:
How long a lease?

Grace:
Really long and I am going to bring it over and I will talk to you tomorrow.

David:
Wait, why now?

Grace:
Well it's a real sad story, you know the tenant is in some kind of coma or something, and it is what it is, so they are going to pull the plug, but get this, they are going to throw in that couch you like. David?

[David hangs up on Grace, shocked.]

[Elizabeth's life support is due to be terminated shortly.]

David:
Suddenly I know what I'm supposed to do. Because this time I can do something.

Elizabeth:
What are you talking about?

David:
Lizzie, when we first met, I kept saying you were dead. But it was me that was dead, and you brought me back. You saved me. And now it's my turn to save you.

Elizabeth:
How?

David:
I'm gonna steal your body!

[David's trying to convince Jack that an invisible Elizabeth is with them.]

Jack:
Fine, fine. If she is really there, tell me, tell me what I have behind my back. Rock, paper, or scissor.

Elizabeth:
Rock!

David:
Rock!

Elizabeth:
Scissors!

David:
Scissors!

Elizabeth:
Paper!

David:
Paper!

Elizabeth:
Rock, again!

David:
Rock,again!

[Jack puts up the middle finger behind his back.]

Elizabeth:
He's flipping me off.

David:
[angrily] Are you flipping her off?

[Jack, slightly creeped out, nervously checks behind him.]

[Despite his doubts, Jack is helping to remove Elizabeth's body from the hospital.]

Elizabeth:
David, tell him thank you.

David:
Jack? We're really grateful.

Jack:
I'm not doing it for you.

David:
Well, then why are you doing it?

Jack:
Because someday, trust me, I'm gonna need help moving a body, and when that day comes, I don't wanna hear any sh*t from you.

Elizabeth:
Okay, get my body on the gurney, quick.

Jack:
Oh my God.

David:
Yeah, she's pretty, right?

Elizabeth:
That's really sweet, but we have to go now.

Jack:
No, that's not it, this is the girl I set you up with, this is the one.

David:
[surprised] I was supposed to meet Elizabeth?

Elizabeth:
[also surprised] I was supposed to meet you.

David:
How do you know her?

Jack:
I knew her sister, we were in college together.

Elizabeth:
I thought I recognised him, that's JJ.

David:
Jack is JJ?

Jack:
What did you just- I haven't been called JJ since college.

Elizabeth:
He's older and hairier, but it's him.

David:
He's the one who toungued Abby at the wedding?

Jack:
How do you know that? Nobody knows that.

David:
It's Elizabeth!

Jack:
Then let's get her body on the gurney, I don't want them killing Abby's little sister!

It's a wonderful afterlife.

Love will bring you back.

[David is trying to convince Jack that Elizabeth is with them]

Jack:
If your friend's really behind me, ask her what I'm doing with my hand. Rock, paper, or scissors.

Elizabeth:
Rock!

David:
Rock!

Elizabeth:
Scissors!

David:
Scissors!

Elizabeth:
Paper!

David:
Paper!

Elizabeth:
Rock, again!

David:
Rock, again!

[Jack puts up the middle finger behind his back.]

Elizabeth:
He's flipping me off.

David:
Are you flipping her off? [angrily] You're flipping her off!

[Jack, slightly creeped out, nervously checks behind him.]

Jack:
([nervously) What? How did you - okay, okay, sometimes people with mental or emotional disturbances can have psychic moments, all right? But even if she was real, do you know what you're risking for this woman?

David:
Yes!

Jack:
WHY?

David:
BECAUSE I LOVE HER! (Calms down) I love her. (faces Elizabeth) I do. I love you.

Elizabeth:
(stunned) No one's ever said that to me before.

[Despite his doubts, Jack is helping to remove Elizabeth’s body from the hospital.]

Elizabeth:
David, tell him thank you.

David:
Jack? We're really grateful.

Jack:
I'm not doing it for you.

David:
Well, then why are you doing it?

Jack:
Because someday, trust me, I'm gonna need help moving a body, and when that day comes, I don't wanna hear any sh*t from you.

[They enter Elizabeth's hospital room.]

Elizabeth:
Okay, get me on the gurney, quick.

Jack:
Oh my God. David -

David:
Yeah, she’s pretty, right?

Elizabeth:
That’s really sweet, but we have to go now.

Jack:
No, that’s not it, this is her. This is the woman I set you up with, this is the woman you stood up that night!

David:
[surprised] I was gonna meet Elizabeth?

Jack:
And she didn't make it either, because she had an accident...[David turns to face Elizabeth]

David:
[surprised] It was you? Is that it? Is that why?

Elizabeth:
[also surprised] I was supposed to meet you.

David:
How do you know her?

Jack:
I'm friends with her sister, Abby, we went out years ago.

Elizabeth:
I knew I'd seen him before...That’s J.J.!

David:
Jack is J.J.?

Jack:
What did you just — No one's called me J.J. since college.

Elizabeth:
He’s older and hairier, but it’s him.

David:
He’s the one who tongued Abby at the wedding?

Jack:
How the hell do you know that? Nobody knows that.

David:
It’s Elizabeth!

Jack:
Oh-oh my god. She really is here, isn't she?

David:
I told you!

Jack:
Well, let’s get her on the gurney, I don’t want them killing Abby’s little sister!