The Kentucky Fried Movie

Narrator:
Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited!

Narrator:
Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion!

Dr. Klahn:
[after decapitating a prisoner] Now take him to be tortured!

Dr. Klahn:
We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors. You have our gratitude.

Dr. Klahn:
[telephone rings, answering machine picks up] Herro. This is Dr. Klahn. I'm not home right now. Leave a message when you hear the beyep. You have our gratitude. [gong sound]

Dr. Klahn:
No! Not water! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ohhh! I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude!

Henry Gibson:
Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness.

Henry Gibson:
In the past year, over 800,000 millions have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer.

Henry Gibson:
It is also important to know what to do you when you die. 1) Don't try to drive a car. 2) Do not operate heavy machinery. 3) Do not talk.

Newscaster:
The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in, film at eleven.

Newscaster:
I'm not wearing any pants, film at eleven.

Newscaster:
Moscow in flames, missiles headed to New York, film at eleven.

Newscaster:
Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles, film at eleven.

Argon Spokesman:
Here at our multi-billion dollar refinery in Fairbanks, we're extracting 2.5 billion barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers' faces.

Argon Spokesman:
At Argon, we're working to keep your money!

A.M. Newscaster:
It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature The Astrological Hour. A quick reminder these reports are not intended to foster belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives.

Loo:
What was that? This is not a chawade. We need total concentwation.

Announcer:
It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how he performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker!

Game Show Announcer:
Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!

Pennington:
Klahn has been connected with every sort of nefarious activity. You name it - opium, weapons traffic, assassination, motion picture distribution...

Mrs. Hefsteder:
Three years ago our Johnny died. We thought there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap, he could still be a useful member of our family and the community. Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives.

PA Announcement:
This is not a drill - drills go Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker...

The Architect:
What are you saying?

The Nurse:
Leave her... come back to Montana with me.

The Architect:
I could no sooner run away from her than myself.

The Nurse:
I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality!

The Architect:
Whose reality, yours or mine?

The Nurse:
My reality AND yours, that's whose!

The Architect:
What are you saying?

The Nurse:
Leave her! Come back to Montana with me!

The Architect:
I could no sooner run away from her than myself!

The Nurse:
I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality!

The Architect:
Whose reality, yours or mine?

The Nurse:
My reality AND yours, that's whose!

The Architect:
What are you saying?

1st guest:
Fish for dinner last night?

2nd guest:
Phewww... Harvey still smoking those cigars?

3rd guest:
CHRIST! Did a cow sh*t in here?

Newscaster:
Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles. Film at eleven.

Narrator:
If you were thrilled by "The Towering Inferno," if you were terrified by "Earthquake," Then you will be SCARED SHITLESS at the Samuel L. Bronkowitz production of "That's Armageddon!"

Game Show Host:
If I were asleep, and you were my alarm clock, how would you wake me up?

Guard #2:
I wouldn't - I'm no ding-a-ling.

Claude LaMont:
I live ze unknown, I love ze unknown, I am ze unknown.

Paul Burmaster:
Claude, where are you living now?

Claude LaMont:
Zat... is unknown. I don't know.

Pennington:
These are the Hartz Mountains of Asia. A terrain so rugged, so treacherous, no country will claim it.

Asquith:
Worse then Detroit?

Pennington:
I'm afraid so.

Loo:
And who are they?

Dr. Klahn:
Refuse, found in waterfront bars.

Loo:
Shanghaied?

Dr. Klahn:
Just lost drunken men who don't know where they are and no longer care.

Prisoner #1:
Where are we?

Prisoner #2:
I don't care!

Loo:
And these?

Dr. Klahn:
These are lost drunken men who don't know where they are, but do care! And these are men who know where they are and care, but don't drink.

Prisoner #3:
I don't know who I am?

Prisoner #4:
And I don't drink!

Dr. Klahn:
Guards! [to prisoner] Do you care?

Prisoner #5:
No.

Dr. Klahn:
Put this man in cell #1, and give him a drink.

Guard:
What do you drink?

Prisoner #5:
I don't care.

Dr. Klahn:
Now, bring me the prisoners!

Dr. Klahn:
Now, take him to be tortured!

Dr. Klahn:
And as for my American friend, the CIA thinks they can infiltrate the Mountain of Dr. Klahn!

CIA Agent:
You can't scare me, you slant-eyed yellow bastard.

Dr. Klahn:
Take him to Detroit!

CIA Agent:
No! No, not Detroit! No! No, please! Anything but that! No! No!

Husband:
Well, what's our little skeptic doing today?

Housewife:
She's frying the cat in pure Nesson oil. [cat screams]

A.M. Newscaster:
In the meantime this is A.M. Today. It's 18 minutes after the hour and time for our daily feature of debate: Count/Pointercount. Once again here are John Fitzsimmons and Sheila Hamilton.

John Fitzsimmons:
[alternately to Sheila and camera] Well Sheila, I guess even you and your liberal cronies have found the light at the end of the tunnel of love with our beloved president. The intellectuals have been much agitated and now, having gotten the presidency by exploiting the problems they themselves have manufactured, he has done his best to fuel their anxieties about him. Sheila. Will you and your pack of bleeding heart liberals never learn that expanding welfare roles only accelerate inflation and inevitably hurt most those they purport to help?

Sheila Hamilton:
Why John, you old stick in the mud. [to camera] I've been listening to that horse sh*t of yours for months, and you can take that crap and blow it out your ass. And for good measure, sit on THIS [flips the bird] John.

Dr. Klahn:
What is important is that my guards have accepted bribes and failed in their duties! Now, they must prove themselves worthy to remain among us! Let us meet our guards!

Voiceover:
Guard #1 is a senior on Klahn's mountain and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well!

Voiceover:
Guard #2 is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang!

Voiceover:
Traveling comes naturally to Guard #3, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!

Game Show Host:
Guard #1, you are out on your first date. It is too late to see a movie. What do you propose to do?

Guard #1:
Well, uh, first, we walk along the beach in the moonlight. Then, I'll play love songs on my guitar. And the next morning...

Dr. Klahn:
Bulkus!

Game Show Host:
How about you, #3? The same question.

Guard #3:
We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the same tradition as our ancestors. Dr. Klahn is a magnificent leader. He has our gratitude. Let's all give Dr. Klahn a great big hand!

Dr. Klahn:
Bulkus!