Outing Riley

Bobby Riley:
[narrating] That's my eldest brother, Father Jack. The nice thing about having a brother that's a priest is no matter how much of a jackass I am, I'm a lock to get into heaven.

Bobby Riley:
[narrating] That's my 2nd oldest brother, Connor. If we were the Corleone's, he'd be Fredo.

Bobby Riley:
[narrating] That's Maggie. She's the youngest and only girl among four boys. When we were kids, Maggie & I went on expeditions in search of her lost penis. We never found it.

Bobby Riley:
[narrating] That's my older brother Luke. Luke's that rare oddity in an Irish family. He can go out in the sun with something lower than SPF 45 and not burn. If gay marriage were legal in Chicago - about as likely as the Cubs winning the World Series - Luke would be my best man.

Bobby Riley:
[stopping nephews and nieces as they run throught the house] Got a little joke for ya.

Nephew:
Your jokes always get us in trouble!

Nephews & Nieces:
[other kids agree] Mm hm!

Bobby Riley:
This one is a clean one. What kind of bees make milk?

Nephews & Nieces:
I don't know.

Bobby Riley:
Boobies!

Connor Riley:
[addressing brothers] We still going on the fishing trip?

Luke Riley:
Hell, yeah, we're still going on the fishing trip, Connor. Dad would want us to.

Jack Riley:
It's not like it's the seventh game of the World Series.

Luke Riley:
Well a fishing trip's a nice way to honor Father. [turns to Jack] My brother the father, can you get away from your flock? [continues as if he's Jack, using a bottle of beer as a phone] "Ah, Father Dreary. Father Jack here. Can you cover for me this weekend? Those altar boys are wearing me out!"

Connor Riley:
[Connor picks up from Luke] "Especially that Hugo, he's got the tightest little ass!" [everyone goes silent]

Connor Riley:
Oh, come on guys! [referring to Luke] He made an altar-boy joke and he's a funny man. I make one and I'm an a**hole?

Maggie Riley:
[sitting down at cafe bar with Bobby and Andy] So how are you two big gay fag homos doing?

Bobby Riley:
I think, uh, one gay slur should cover it.

Andy:
Uh, and we're still incognito.

Maggie Riley:
Oh, I don't know about you Andy, but I think it's time.

Bobby Riley:
I think all parties have been heard from now.

Maggie Riley:
Bobby, I love you like the sister I never had really, but if you do not come out to the boys up north this weekend, I'm going to come up there and out you myself. Out, damn spot, out!

Bobby Riley:
Yeah, if you can tell me how to do it naturally. We're going to be sitting there watching the Cubs game. Sosa hits one out of the park, and as we're cheering, I'm supposed to go, "oh, you guys - hold on a second, um, I love to suck cock."

Andy:
[Maggie laughs] Actually, "love" is a little strong.

Maggie Riley:
So how did you tell your family?

Andy:
Actually, I didn't have to. I did musical theater in high school.

Maggie Riley:
Ah.

Bobby Riley:
Andy's therapist would tell me that my life isn't a movie, that everybody doesn't love me, I don't save the day, I don't get the guy and I most definitely don't ride off into the sun set... Andy's therapist? He can go f*** himself.