Parlor, Bedroom and Bath

Angelica Embrey:
I'm sorry Bertie, but I've decided that I can't marry you.

Bertie:
Oh, but why? Uh, why the sudden change? I mean to say, dash it.

Angelica Embrey:
You don't come up to specifications.

Bertie:
Specifications? Uuh, what am I, a horse or a silly ass?

Angelica Embrey:
Oh, well I wouldn't say that you were silly.

Bertie:
But my dear, you know, you can't judge a husband in a bathing suit.

Angelica Embrey:
No, but you can get a rough idea.

Bertie:
Ooh.

Angelica Embrey:
The more I see of men, the more I love my dog.

[Questioning Reginald Irving]

Jeffrey Haywood:
Have you ever had anything to do with women?

Reginald Irving:
Oh, I used to sell vacuum cleaners.

Jeffrey Haywood:
No no, I mean, have you ever had a love affair with a woman?

Reginald Irving:
Oh, gosh no.

Jeffrey Haywood:
Well, you're going to have.

Reginald Irving:
Oh, I can't. I don't get paid until Saturday.

Leila Crofton:
Well, I should think she'd be able to take one look at you and realize that if you were left alone with a woman... why...

Reginald Irving:
We'd both be safe.

[pause]

Reginald Irving:
I-I was in a house one time, aaall alone with the most beautiful French maid... and she tried to kiss me. She was baking a pie...

Leila Crofton:
And what did you do?

Reginald Irving:
...I ate the pie.

Jeffrey Haywood:
Now, when you first get to your room, order some... uh, champagne and broiled lobster.

Reginald Irving:
Champ... Ch... Can't you make it beer?

Jeffrey Haywood:
Beer? Certainly not. Champagne!

[pause]

Jeffrey Haywood:
C, H, A, M, P, A, uh... oh, well, make it wine. W, I, N, E.

Reginald Irving:
Oh well, what do I call her?

Jeffrey Haywood:
Oh, call her... kid, sweetheart, baby...

Reginald Irving:
Kid, sweetheart, baby.

Jeffrey Haywood:
Uh huh. And then when you're helping her to take off her...

Reginald Irving:
Take off her what?

Jeffrey Haywood:
Wrap!

Reginald Irving:
R, A, P.

Jeffrey Haywood:
No, WRAP! *W*, R, A, P.

Reginald Irving:
Wap?

Jeffrey Haywood:
Wap?... Well, make it coat.

Reginald Irving:
K, O, T, E.

Polly Hathaway:
You're just as safe with me as you would be in jail.

Polly Hathaway:
You're dead and you won't lay down.

Polly Hathaway:
You have all the passion of an infuriated clam.