Peep World

[first lines]

Narrator:
Henry Meyerwitz had never wanted any children. But when he had his first, he remembered an old proverb. Commit a sin twice and it will not seem a crime. So he had more. And once a year, his sins, all grown up, gathered to celebrate his birthday. He didn't want to be there. They didn't want to be there. This year however, a book came out that made it even worse.

Meg:
So that's why men write. To get women?

Nathan Meyerwitz:
That's why men do *everything*.

Narrator:
To his children, Henry Meyerwitz was more a face on a billboard than a father. He was like the Marlboro Man. But shorter. And Jewish.

Joel Meyerwitz:
Look, I'm am going to have a good life.

Jack Meyerwitz:
Well I really hope so, Joel.

Joel Meyerwitz:
And I'm gonna retire at 40.

Jack Meyerwitz:
You're 38, Joel. You're broke.

Joel Meyerwitz:
See, that's negative. How do you expect me to be positive with all the negativity raining down on me all the time?

Doctor:
Relax. Calm down. Okay?

Jack Meyerwitz:
Relax? You know what, we'll drain your penis and we'll see how calm you'll be.

Henry Meyerwitz:
[to Jack] I'm surprised you're even having a kid. Because as far back as I can recall, you never had any balls at all.

Henry Meyerwitz:
I didn't raise my kids to be quitters!

Jack Meyerwitz:
You didn't raise us at all, dad.

Cheri Meyerwitz:
[in hospital waiting room] What are we going to do if he dies?

Jack Meyerwitz:
We'll live.

[last lines]

Narrator:
Even though it never was his intention. Henry Meyerwitz finally brought his family together. It nearly killed him.

Cheri Meyerwitz:
Your brother is supposed to protect you, your brother isn't supposed to betray you.

Ephraim:
Christ was betrayed too.

Nathan Meyerwitz:
The world isn't always polite, or didn't they teach that to you over at UCLA?

Meg:
I must have missed that class. You obviously didn't miss the one on condescension.

Nathan Meyerwitz:
I actually majored in that.

Meg:
The world isn't always polite, or didn't they teach that to you at Berkeley?

Mary:
All this over a book? I have cousins who shot each other and they got over it.

Cheri Meyerwitz:
My dad is f*cking the actress who plays his daughter?

Ephraim:
That's what it looks like.

Nathan Meyerwitz:
You didn't read your own son's novel?

Cheri Meyerwitz:
I'm saying it's karma, Nate. You caused a lot of pain and you caused a lot of suffering and now there's a price.

Henry Meyerwitz:
Excuse me, mentor, would you pass the bread please?

Mary:
You live here?

Joel Meyerwitz:
It's just temporary, until I move.