Raising the Stakes

Maxwell Selwyn:
[while telling them of a vampire antidote] Well, there are some side effects

Steve:
What kind?

Maxwell Selwyn:
[holds up a poorly carved vampire stake] Death.

Bob:
Thank God, I thought you were going to say stick. I'd rather die than be a stick.

Ding Dong Ditch Victim:
Holy sh*t, the vampires are here!

Steve:
I thought vampires were supposed to be all hardcore, we ended up being pussies!

Bob:
F*** you, dude, I'm not a p*ssy. You're a p*ssy.

Steve:
You're a p*ssy!

Bob:
You're a p*ssy!

Steve:
Oh, what's this? [pretends to pull a letter from his pocket] It's a letter from the PUSS-R.S., you didn't pay your p*ssy taxes!

Bob:
Is that a knock at the door? [walks up to the door and opens it] Holy sh*t! It's Ed McMahon! You just won a million dollars from the PUSSinghouse Clearing!

Floyd Faukman:
The police are not sure whether these are genuine vampires or just people who are mimicking vampires... or Theresa Heinz.

Bob:
[a blind man has pulled a gun] Holy sh*t! It's like Ben Affleck!

Blind Guy:
Aw, hell no! [starts firing random rounds]

Steve:
Just look at Tom Cruise: you know, first he played Lestat and then he got to bang Penelope Cruz.

Bob:
You know, if they would've got married, do you think she would've been Penelope Cruz-Cruise?