Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt

Adam West:
[after driving all night to the Arizona border in the search for the Batmobile] I think the clue is in our past, somewhere...

Burt Ward:
What's this? [removes flyer from under the car's windshield wiper]

Adam West:
...we still have to find it.

Burt Ward:
[reads flyer] Hey Adam, look. The Highway to Arizona Bar is having a Happy Hour. Great place. Just down the street from the car museum.

Adam West:
[grabs flyer and reads it with stunned disbelief] You... you... you *knew* about that place?

Burt Ward:
[not getting it] Yeah. Why?

Adam West:
[aggravated] Oh!

Burt Ward:
[thinks about it and realizes they've driven all night for nothing] Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Adam West:
[after meeting on the set for the first time] Why don't we take some time and discuss our approaches to the role?

Burt Ward:
Well, I just plan on saying my lines. [sees looks of surprise on faces of West and director] Is there more to it than that?

Adam West:
[trying to put it delicately] Uhhh, well, yeah. Maybe a little

Adam West:
[reading an invitation left on his front door] Alfred! I need you! [opens closet] Ah, what to wear? [sees one suit] Eh, too flashy. [sees another one] Too stuffy. [sees another one] Too formal. [comes across his old Batman costume] Too retro.

Jerry the Butler:
[patiently after coming into the room] It's not Alfred, Mister West. It's Jerry. Alfred was the guy on the tv-show.

Adam West:
There's a charity event at the car museum tonight. It seems I'm expected.

Jerry the Butler:
[reads invitation] A little last minute, isn't it?

Adam West:
Charity doesn't punch a clock, my friend.

Jerry the Butler:
I guess you'll be needing your tuxedo.

Adam West:
Nooo. I think something a little more in keeping with the times. Something a little less formal. Something... Clooneyish.

[Adam and Burt are sitting in the Batmobile at the charity event]

Burt Ward:
Wow. You know, it seems like almost yesterday.

Adam West:
Almost thirty-five years Burt. Time tumbles by.

Burt Ward:
You know I forget what some of these buttons do.

Adam West:
I wouldn't touch those if I were...

[Burt presses a button and oil slick sprays out onto the crowd]

Burt Ward:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Sorry, I didn't know it was loaded.

Adam West:
That's why they usually left the driving to me.

Valet parker:
Hey, if you're looking for the Batmobile, it went that way.

Adam West:
[noticing he's wearing an eye patch] You have a sharp eye, my friend.

[Adam and Burt are about to fight four henchman at the Arizona Bar]

Burt Ward:
Well?

Adam West:
I say we fight our way out like we always did.

Burt Ward:
We had stuntmen then. Even if mine was always on a coffee break.

Sexy fan:
Can I get an autograph, too?

[exposes a portion of her left breast for Adam to sign on]

Adam West:
You know this is a... permanent marker.

Sexy fan:
Good. I hope it lasts forever.

[after Adam disarms a bomb]

Burt Ward:
Good thing that bomb was a fake.

[the bomb explodes and Burt is sent flying out of the cave by the blast, Adam walks out unharmed]

Burt Ward:
How come you didn't get burned?

Adam West:
Stuntman.

Burt Ward:
[disgusted] Dang!

[Adam and Burt are at a diner. Burt reads a menu]

Burt Ward:
Holy lunch specials! Look at this.

Adam West:
It appears to be a menu, Burt. Not an unusual thing in a place like this.

Burt Ward:
But look what's *on* the menu, or rather *who*. A "Burgess Burger... "

Adam West:
What?

Burt Ward:
"Gorshin Franks and Beans... " "Cesar Romero Salad... " "Vincent Fries... " They even have drinks. Look, a "Julie New-Martini." [Burt hands Adam the menu and Adam reads it]

Adam West:
"Art Chili Con Carney... " "Zsa Zsa Gabor... " "Liberace... " All these people disguised as daily specials!

Burt Ward:
Almost every actor who played a villain our characters battled.

Adam West:
Battled? Yes, and triumphed over. Any one of them could still be harboring a grudge.

Burt Ward:
Adam, they're only actors.

Adam West:
I'm sure they'd like us to think so, Burt. But there's more here than meets the eye. [Adam and Burt look around suspiciously] Very odd.

Burt Ward:
What's that?

Adam West:
[checking his watch] It's time for an act break, but that voice is strangely absent.

Burt Ward:
*He* must be on a break.

Adam West:
Possibly. But now that he's not here, I miss him.

[after the Batmobile's been stolen and leaves fire-tire tracks]

Charity Event Host:
The Batmobile's been stolen.

Adam West:
[holding up his car key] Using my key.

Burt Ward:
Holy tire tracks! Look, they go from two to one. It went out on two wheels. That fiend.

Adam West:
He may be a fiend, but he's an excellent driver.

Fan boy:
My brother said the show's No.1. Is that true?

Burt Ward:
Well, as long were No.1 with fans like you, we've done our job.

[Burt's auditionin for the part of Robin]

Burt Ward:
Uh, Robin?

Casting Director:
Yeah, Batman's sidekick. You know the comic book character?

Burt Ward:
You're kidding? I used to pretend I was Superboy when I was three. I'd be speeding around on my tricycle.

Burt Ward:
Good guys don't lurk!

Adam West:
We've entered the mind of a madman.

Jerry the Butler:
My mind and welcome to it.

Adam West:
Alfred?

Jerry the Butler:
Jerry! How many times do I have to tell you? It's Jerry!

Burt Ward:
The butler did it. We should've seen this coming a mile away.

Adam West:
Diabolical!

Jerry the Butler:
Even more than you think, Mr. West.

[Jerry unmasks himself and it is Frank Gorshin]

Burt Ward:
Holy plot twist! Your butler is... Frank Gorshin?

Adam West:
Has anybody seen my bat suit?

Burt Ward:
Holy Props Department, Batman!

Adam West:
Hold it! Freeze that memory.