Rock Monster

Jason:
Let her go, Dimitar. This is between you and me.

Dimitar:
[pointing to the rock monster] No - this is between you... and him.

Jason:
Let Cassandra go and you can do whatever you want to me.

Dimitar:
Tempting, Jason, but you're not my type.

Toni:
If I have to listen to Warren b*tch about his kidneys being jostled by the bus or his feet swelling up from walking or his allergies acting up from the trees, I am going to hurt him - badly!

Jason:
Have you ever taken a deep, dark look at yourself, your hostility towards the opposite sex? Are you sure you're not into... girls?

Toni:
Oh, you wish.

[Warren cuts himself on a rusty sword]

Jason:
How bad is it?

Warren:
It bloody hurts! I'm going to get lockjaw, aren't I?

Toni:
Pah! We can only hope.

[Jason glares at her]

Toni:
What? I just think it would be a nice reprieve from his constant prattling.

Dimitar:
My people are simple and superstitious, but they are loyal once you get to know them.

Jason:
I'm not sure I want to!

[silent villagers menacingly approach the young Americans]

Toni:
Ahh, pod people - ten o'clock.

Toni:
Forgive them. They're monosyllabic on a good day, but on others - nothing.

[the boys admire the lovely Cassandra]

Benny:
Dude - she's a ten!

Warren:
Eleven.

Jason:
*Twelve.*

Toni:
Congratulations, boys, you can count.

Cassandra:
Are you all Americans? I love America! I've seen every American movie since 1984. I read every American newspaper and magazine I can find.

Jason:
Wow, that's great! I'm an American and so are my friends - except for Warren. He's British.

Warren:
It's not my fault.

[on The Colonel's basement arsenal]

Toni:
Eclectic... post-Soviet Martha Stewart crossed with supply sergeant.

Jason:
I need a weapon.

The Colonel:
You have one.

Jason:
But you don't expect me to fight with this, do you?

The Colonel:
You have a sword. You learn how to use it.

Jason:
It's just a sword!

The Colonel:
No, it is not just a sword. That sword killed the monster once and it can do it again. Study it. Learn how it works and we will all be saved. Now hurry!

Jason:
I'm nobody's hero, Cassandra. This is not my destiny. I'm just a college student. I go to Cal Poly. I've been going there for seven years; I've had ten majors. I only came to this place to claim a free house.

Jason:
Hey, Benny, what was your major, anyway?

Benny:
Quantum physics - string theory.

Jason:
[to himself] String theory? Benny? More like G-string theory.

[Benny has accidentally shot a squirrel]

Benny:
I just killed Rocky.

Dimitar:
Earth, wind, fire and water may all come apart, but the rock will crush them all.

The Colonel:
Dimitar has warned that the creature will come back and kill every living song in Ivanova until he has the sword... and you are dead.

Jason:
He's really starting to get on my nerves.

Dimitar:
At dawn the sun shall shine through the sword and connect me and the creature in a bond of pure energy. The creature's spirit - the spirit of the omnipotent wizard Allas - shall be transferred to me and I shall become the most powerful man that has ever walked the earth... and I shall walk the earth for a thousand years!

Jason:
Sounds like a party... I'll bring the beer.

Cassandra:
You're despicable.

Mayor:
I'm practical.

Farm Boy:
[holding a wedding ring] Be my wife... Well?

[Toni and the Farm Boy kiss passionately]

Toni:
Let's just live in sin.

Dimitar:
I'll kill you!

[Jason rams his sword through Dimitar's chest]

Jason:
You first.