Seffy D

Himself - Host:
The only person worthy of the title, "number one human-being", is him.

Himself - Host:
Nick "Seffy D" Sefiddashti. Many people will tell you he was born in the town of Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin, including he himself, but is it possible he was born on Mount Olympus among the gods? Yes.

Aaron Butalla:
Back in the day when I was hangin' ten, Seffy D could hang twelve!

Himself - Goonie:
Really, I don't, uh, I don't think Seffy D even surfs, actually. Um...

Aaron Butalla:
Wait a minute... I don't even know who Seffy D is. He sounds like a pretty cool dude though!

Himself - Goonie:
He is.

Himself - Host:
From a young age, he's been above average in every way. Rumors include his first word being contentious, doing eight, EIGHT pull-ups on his first try in gym class, and even as an infant, that son of a b*tch was changin' his own goddamn diaper.

Seffy D's Dad:
Actually, Nick used to sing in the shower and I would say to myself, hey, what's Usher doin' in my bathroom?

Mike Pinkepenk:
Seffy D, he always rewinds.

Himself - Host:
With all these great qualities it's no secret as to why Seffy D has inspired an estimated - one thousand people.

Gina Hightdudis:
We may have priority mail, but nothing takes priority over Seffy Delivery.

Maurice Adams:
We got a play named after Steffy D. Steffy is our defense plan 'cause Steffy is our man-to-man defense. He's our man, defense is our plan. Game time, ROOF!

Basketball Team:
One, two, three, SEFFY D!

Tom Shannon:
I actually feel healthier when Seffy D's around. The guy just brings out the best in me. In fact, there's times, my other patients might not want to know this, but he'll come in at nine o'clock and I'll clear my schedule for the rest of the day, 'cause quite frankly, it's Seffy D we're talkin' about.

Russ Montney:
One time I was digging through Seffy D's trash and I found this rough draft of an essay he wrote in high school about the Supreme Court. My god. I must have read that thing over a hundred times. It's easily the most brilliant thing I've ever read. He's a genius, and one of the greatest writers of our time.

Himself - Goonie:
What if Seffy D was alive in the 1700s? Would he have been one of America's founding fathers? I think so. You know, just imagine how different America would have been today. Instead of giving your "John Hancock" you'd be giving your "Seffy D".

Himself - Host:
I know, it's nearly impossible to imagine, but it's Seffy D. It's Seffy D. Seffy D. Seffy D... Seffy D.

Various:
Seffy D!