Shining Time Station: Queen for a Day

Mr. Conductor:
Oh, what a morning, what a day. Just look at those trees, those flowers. Just look at the queen... [watches as The Queen walks up a nearby hill] The queen?

Mr. Conductor:
Well, it appears that we've been dealt a pair of knaves to go with our queen.

Hitt:
Nice suitcase, pal.

Schemer:
[shutting the handbag on his finger] Ow!

Hitt:
I said I like your suitcase.

Schemer:
[Gets up nervously, trying to hide the suitcase] Uh... yes, thank you. It's very nice.

Bull:
Just hand it over, mac.

Schemer:
[Falls over to the ground] I... um...

Hitt:
What it is see, we're detectives. You know, Private I's. And we're on the trail of some hot rocks!

Schemer:
[Nervously] Hot... hot rocks?

Hitt:
Stolen diamonds, jewelry, stuff like that. We're on the trail of a lady with an English accent. She stole 'em, see. She's what we call... the perp. Seen her around?

Schemer:
[nervously] No, I have not! I swear, I don't know any English perp! I'd like to help you, but there's just no can do, fellas. [the theives try to steal the handbag] Stacy! Stacy, help!

Stacy Jones:
[runs over] What is going on here? Can I help you, gentlemen?

Hitt:
[They stop trying to take the handbag] Ah, good e'ening, man. Uh, we're detectives.

Bull:
Yeah, Private I's.

Hitt:
And your friend here took something that belongs to us, and well, we'd like it back.

Stacy Jones:
Schemer?

Schemer:
[Gets up and points at the theives] Bad men! Bad men!

Stacy Jones:
Do you have anything to prove that you're real detectives? A badge, some identification, something like that?

Bull:
Uh... identification...

Hitt:
A badge, huh? What it is, see, we don't have to tell you who we are, because we are undercover.

Stacy Jones:
Oh, well, this is my station. And, unless you can prove that you're real detectives...

Bull:
No, no, no, no, no. Like he said, see, we're under the covers.

Stacy Jones:
Oh, well, I suggest that you leave.

Bull:
[laughing] W-who's gonna make us leave, huh? What, you?

Stacy Jones:
[holding up the baseball bat in her hand and inching towards the theives] That's right. Now, this happens to be my station, I am the station master, and I'm not gonna ask you one more time... to LEAVE THIS STATION!

Hitt:
We'll be back, pal! We'll be back! [He and Bull run away]

Schemer:
[Mocking the theives] We'll be back, pal! We'll be back! [normal voice] Run, run, run, you little chickens, run! [laughing] Good work, Jonesy!

Stacy Jones:
Schemer, what were they talking about? What's an English perp?

Schemer:
No, no, no, no, no. A Schemer burp. [Belches loudly in Stacy's face] Excuse me, Miss Jones! [Apologetically] I mean, excuse me, Miss Jones. Excuse me. [Runs away with the handbag]

Stacy Jones:
[frustrated] Oh, Schemer.

Lead Barber:
[Hangs up the phone while Schemer sneaks in] Well, that's it. Jim missed his train. So much for the talent show! I mean, who ever heard of a three-man barbershop quartet?

Schemer:
Uh... Jim schmim. Hey forget about Jim, fellas. I am the lead singer that you're lookin' for. So, listen, we'll do the show tonight, huh, guys? And then we'll go on tour, travel all around the world, and never have to visit this dump again. *Ever!* Huh? What do you say? The four of us?

Lead Barber:
Well, if you're that good... Hellooo!

Second Barber:
[joining in] Hellooooo!

Third Barber:
[joining in] Hellooooooo!

Schemer:
[the Jukebox, which Schemer has his hand on, shorts out] Helloooooooooooooooo- [takes deep breath] -oooooooooo!

Lead Barber:
You got some set o' pipes on you there, friend. You're in!

Schemer:
[Yelling and jumping for joy] Yes! I'm in! I'm in!

Lead Barber:
[Confused] What's that clinking sound?

Schemer:
[calming down] Uh... you mean the sound as if my mommy had sown some jewels into my jacket so that I could turn them in for a reward? Just sounds like that. Nothing to do with it. [the three barbers shake their heads and leave. Sung very out of tune] Goodbye, goodbyeee, goodbyeeeeee!

Schemer:
[trying on the queen's jewels] And so, my loyal subjects, it is I, King Schemer. [sings] Not Duke, not Prince, but King!