Small Town Kevin

[Kevin, Kane and Julie are at the theater]

Kevin:
Bella should choose Jacob, not that fairy Edward. The stupid girl.

Julie:
You have got to be kidding me...

Kane:
This film makes me feel empty.

Theater Dude:
I know how you feel.

[Kevin and Kane are at the grocery store counter]

Stan:
Hello. My name is Stan. Can I help you with anything?

Kevin:
Yes. I can't seem to find any bologna.

Stan:
Bologna? Yeah, uh, I sold the last pack five minutes ago. Uh, sorry, dude.

Kevin:
What? Really? Well, I can't have that now, can I? Kane, you know what to do.

Kane:
Affirmative, sir.

[Kane holds a gun in his hand. Stan sees it]

Stan:
Dude! Like, no! I wasn't even supposed to be here today!

Kane:
Tell it to my gun.

[while waiting for the subway to arrive]

Kane:
Do I really need to be with you to get groceries?

Kevin:
You're my bodyguard. It's your job to guard me at all times.

Kane:
What will you be getting at the store?

Kevin:
Not entirely sure. Bologna is a must though.

Kane:
I agree. I will make sure no one takes your processed meat.

Kevin:
Good. You protect my meat like you've never protected meat before.

[Subway train pulls up, coming to a screeching stop]

Kane:
Train is here.

Kevin:
Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Kane:
But sir, my name is Kane.

Kevin:
No sh*t, Sherlock.

Kane:
If I'm Sherlock, wouldn't that make you Watson?

Kevin:
What the hell are you talking about?

Kane:
You called me Sherlock. Sherlock Holmes has a sidekick - Dr. Watson. Therefore, in your sense, that would make you Watson; making you the sidekick.

[Kevin sighs]

Kevin:
Just get on the goddamn train.